The problem with engagements is that it puts your relationship in a sort of limbo – you’re more than a boyfriend/girlfriend but less than a spouse. While cramming for my Anthropology final on Monday, I learned that stage is called “liminality.” You’re not quite “married” but you’re not quite “single” either. Teenage years are other form of liminality, you not quite an adult yet, but you are no longer a child, either.
A couple months ago, I was at Friday dinner with a group of friends (acquaintances). Since a group of them were going clubbing downtown after dinner, they were asking around to see if anyone wanted to join. When she asked me, before I could worm out with an excuse (I have work tomorrow morning, my head hurts, I’m not dressed slutty enough, I illegally parked my bike, etc), another friend interjected “Oh Grace isn’t interested. She’s engaged.”
Yes, I was engaged, but that has nothing to do with my social life. Clubbing isn’t my thing anymore. I wouldn’t have wanted to go, regardless of my relationship status… right?
The more I thought about it, the more I wondered: is my relationship killing my social life?
Short answer: yes
I’ve been engaged for 13 months now and am getting married tomorrow. The engagement was just long enough to have doubts (hey wait, I’m only 21, am I really old enough to be making such an important decision) and absolute clarity (wow, what did I do before I had Ryosuke to talk to. He’s so cool).
But there is one thing I have never doubted – since I started dating Ryosuke, I started spending much less time with my other friends.
I know. I hate it when friends do that to me. They get a new significant other and BANG, it’s like I don’t exist anymore. They ditch me for their new boy-toy, who rarely lasts for more than a couple months (I swear I’m not bitter). But for the first time ever… I get it.
In the words of that one song from the Juno Soundtrack “I don’t see what anyone sees in anyone else but you [Ryosuke].”
I think Ryosuke is the bee’s knees. I think he can walk on clouds. I think he makes the world a brighter place. He’s funny, he’s smart, he’s never boring, and his smile – his smile is probably the most heartwarming thing in the entire world.
So yes, my social life died when I started dating Ryosuke. I used to go to parties looking for “the one” – usually either a (new) best friend or a potential date. Now that I have both, I don’t see the point in going to parties and events trying to meet other people my age. Which is kind of sad, now that I’m writing it down.
This reflects in my photos on Facebook and my social media “social life”
I used to have an over-active social life. I did a lot of things (dates, travelling, parties, work) but was lonely most of the time. A lot of what I did was because I was so lonely and trying to take my mind off the fact.
Now? Not so much. My pictures on facebook went from wild and overachieving to tame and couple-y. Yes, my social life probably died when I got into a relationship… but I wouldn’t have it any other day.
Quite a few friends from middle school and high school are married. Just for fun, I Facebook stalked six of them, trying to see if my case study held true. It did. Each of them seemed more outgoing and “carefree” before their relationship (or in the early stages of their relationship).
As time progressed, the fewer pictures on Facebook they appeared in. Pretty soon they were exactly like me – mostly appearing with their significant other (or alone, in pictures their significant other took). They do more “sophisticated” things like hiking, going to museums, cooking, and hanging around the house. By the time they got married, friends only showed up in scattering pictures.
Some people think this is sad; I don’t. Every day I spend with Ryosuke is my new favorite day (except the days we fight, because those days suck). Ironically enough, the smaller my social life is, the fewer parties I go to, the less “group events” I participate, the happier I am. I kind of wish someone had told me that my freshman year of college. It would have saved me quite a few tears.
I’ve been jokingly called a housewife a lot this year, not because I’m particularly good at housework (confession: I’m awful at it), but because I’m “chill and uninterested in what the group is doing.”
Whatever that means.
I’m ok being called a housewife.
I’m ok if my social life dies.
I’m ok if people on Facebook think I’m lame.
I’m ok because I’m happy. I’m really happy – and I don’t see that changing in the near future. Sorry Facebook. You’re no longer the center of my life.
Also, Happy New Year!
Add me on Google Plus: +Grace Buchele