Dating and Facebook: The Effects of a Serious Relationship on your Facebook

The problem with engagements is that it puts your relationship in a sort of limbo – you’re more than a boyfriend/girlfriend but less than a spouse. While cramming for my Anthropology final on Monday, I learned that stage is called “liminality.” You’re not quite “married” but you’re not quite “single” either. Teenage years are other form of liminality, you not quite an adult yet, but you are no longer a child, either.

A couple months ago, I was at Friday dinner with a group of friends (acquaintances). Since a group of them were going clubbing downtown after dinner, they were asking around to see if anyone wanted to join. When she asked me, before I could worm out with an excuse (I have work tomorrow morning, my head hurts, I’m not dressed slutty enough, I illegally parked my bike, etc), another friend interjected “Oh Grace isn’t interested. She’s engaged.”

Wait… what?

Yes, I was engaged, but that has nothing to do with my social life. Clubbing isn’t my thing anymore. I wouldn’t have wanted to go, regardless of my relationship status… right?

The more I thought about it, the more I wondered: is my relationship killing my social life?

Short answer: yes

I’ve been engaged for 13 months now and am getting married tomorrow. The engagement was just long enough to have doubts (hey wait, I’m only 21, am I really old enough to be making such an important decision) and absolute clarity (wow, what did I do before I had Ryosuke to talk to. He’s so cool).

Wedding Ursinus College Grace and Ryosuke amwf wedding amww couple

But there is one thing I have never doubted – since I started dating Ryosuke, I started spending much less time with my other friends.

I know. I hate it when friends do that to me. They get a new significant other and BANG, it’s like I don’t exist anymore. They ditch me for their new boy-toy, who rarely lasts for more than a couple months (I swear I’m not bitter). But for the first time ever… I get it.

In the words of that one song from the Juno Soundtrack “I don’t see what anyone sees in anyone else but you [Ryosuke].”

I think Ryosuke is the bee’s knees. I think he can walk on clouds. I think he makes the world a brighter place. He’s funny, he’s smart, he’s never boring, and his smile – his smile is probably the most heartwarming thing in the entire world.

So yes, my social life died when I started dating Ryosuke. I used to go to parties looking for “the one” – usually either a (new) best friend or a potential date. Now that I have both, I don’t see the point in going to parties and events trying to meet other people my age. Which is kind of sad, now that I’m writing it down.

This reflects in my photos on Facebook and my social media “social life”

I used to have an over-active social life. I did a lot of things (dates, travelling, parties, work) but was lonely most of the time. A lot of what I did was because I was so lonely and trying to take my mind off the fact.

Now? Not so much. My pictures on facebook went from wild and overachieving to tame and couple-y. Yes, my social life probably died when I got into a relationship… but I wouldn’t have it any other day.

Quite a few friends from middle school and high school are married. Just for fun, I Facebook stalked six of them, trying to see if my case study held true. It did. Each of them seemed more outgoing and “carefree” before their relationship (or in the early stages of their relationship).

As time progressed, the fewer pictures on Facebook they appeared in. Pretty soon they were exactly like me – mostly appearing with their significant other (or alone, in pictures their significant other took). They do more “sophisticated” things like hiking, going to museums, cooking, and hanging around the house. By the time they got married, friends only showed up in scattering pictures.

Some people think this is sad; I don’t. Every day I spend with Ryosuke is my new favorite day (except the days we fight, because those days suck). Ironically enough, the smaller my social life is, the fewer parties I go to, the less “group events” I participate, the happier I am. I kind of wish someone had told me that my freshman year of college. It would have saved me quite a few tears.

I’ve been jokingly called a housewife a lot this year, not because I’m particularly good at housework (confession: I’m awful at it), but because I’m “chill and uninterested in what the group is doing.”

Whatever that means.

I’m ok being called a housewife.

I’m ok if my social life dies.

I’m ok if people on Facebook think I’m lame.

I’m ok because I’m happy. I’m really happy – and I don’t see that changing in the near future. Sorry Facebook. You’re no longer the center of my life.

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Also, Happy New Year!




Add me on Google Plus: +Grace Buchele

About Grace Buchele Mineta

I got into the writing business by accident. Now I live in the countryside near Tokyo with my husband, Ryosuke, where I draw comics, blog, and make videos about our daily life. Contact: Website | More Posts

11 Comments on Dating and Facebook: The Effects of a Serious Relationship on your Facebook

  1. I need a serious relationship please inbox me

  2. For me, it is the opposite: I grew up in a low-income family, so before I met my Asian guy I hadn’t really been far or done much, I loved visitng my best friends though–and I escaped my mundane life via video games and my imagination. My friend, who I thought was serious about going to Japan with me, didn’t save a penny(spending it, basically)…and I had to contemplate “Now what?”

    Now I can say I’ve been to Taiwan twice as of this year, and I’ve gone hiking more than I ever have done–gone camping again after many years…it feels like I’m actually having a life now.

    ntegrating with the foreign family though, I totally agree. They often complain about me not prioritizing Mandarin over anything else in my life, and expect us to just up and move to Taiwan (but let’s face it, ALL family does this! Our family are spread out in 2 countries, and all of them try to rationalize why we are better off in their province or country–never let it get to you, as often they never did much with us even when we were visiting.I think it is more of some kind of ego thing).

  3. First of all, I found your blog via ‘Speaking of China’. Second, congrats on getting married!

    I know what you mean. My facebook also consists of many photos of my husband and I as well as some of my dear friends whom I have met in Taiwan and family photos. However, like you, the majority document the things my husband and I do together. I think it depends on what point of you life you are in and what you value the most.

    Look forward to reading more of your entries!

    • Thanks so much :)
      I really admire all the stuff Jocelyn writes on Speaking of China – so I’m glad you found my blog through her!
      And, although I complain, I really don’t mind the fact most of my Facebook features my husband :) It’s nice.

  4. Aunt Sheron // 4 March, 2014 at 7:49 pm //

    I have to say I am so grateful that my “wild-child” years were decades before Facebook.

    I can’t even imagine how it would be to have those years documented for all to see.

  5. YOU GOT MARRIED CONGRATULATIONS GRACE!! That’s so wonderful :)) My younger sister asked me just today actually about what Japanese marriage was like – what did you have to promise? What are their traditions/luck symbols? And I realised I didn’t know! Would you be able to shine some light? Thanks!

    • Thank you :)
      Sadly, the marriage was an “American” ceremony rather than a Japanese one, so I’m still in the dark on what a “real” Japanese ceremony looks like. Since his family does not speak English/do not own passports/had no desire to get on a plane, they requested we do an additional, traditional Japanese ceremony sometime next year in his hometown. I will probably blog all about it – i’m so excited to find out what a real Japanese wedding ceremony looks like!

  6. This is so true–not just with you but about most couples, I think. I’ve never thought so much about this, so it’s good to read, and I know it’s true in my experience. As ‘lame’ as it may seem now, you’ll adjust to this new way of life. Whenever my husband and I have been apart, our social lives somehow pick up again and we make new friends and go out more. When we’re together, we’re such home-bodies–or we go out with each other. But…we still try to get together with friends, it’s just not as often. I’m glad you are comfortable with this new phase of your social life. It’s not that you don’t have a social life, it’s just that you prefer to spend your social times with the love of your life. And it’s time well spent. I’ve been together and apart from my husband throughout our marriage, and I can honestly say I prefer to have him to come home to, him to go out and do things with, and to still have friends outside of my husband so I don’t become a total recluse. :) Another benefit is that his friends and their significant others become your friends, so you gain a whole new group of friends (if you haven’t already). And maybe your FB will look lame to your single friends, but not to your married friends. As you get older, most of your friends will become married, and then all the couple and family photos won’t be lame at all. :)

  7. Touche. You must expand your life rather stayed at home while you’re an outgoing woman. If he love you more than everything in this world he will let you do things that you like without too much restraining on you. For he would love to have you smile rather to see you sad within.

  8. I think you will be having even more friends after you have family and kids (I assume you guys want to have kids) – becuase you will have topics to talk to those who have the same experiences. You want to spend as much time as possible with the one you love, which is the best decision. Life is short.

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