Don’t Blame the Distance: 6 Tips for Skyping during a Long Distance Relationship

It takes a certain type of person to keep a long distance relationship going. You can’t just jump into it – assuming it will be the same as a “normal” relationship and expect everything to work out. There will be ups. There will be downs. There will be fears, tears, frustrations, and lonely nights.

But Long Distance Relationships are NOT impossible.

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And, when done right, they are the most rewarding thing in the world.

Thankfully we live in the day and age where video chats on Skype are free, easy, and readily available. Just because you live across the world (in a different country, time zone, or culture) doesn’t mean you can’t still have a close, loving relationship… fostered by Skype calls.

After two years of Long Distance Relationships – these are the things that work for me. They might not work for you, though; each couple is different. And by “worked for me,” I mean that my husband and I survived the distance; we’re happily married now, living in Japan.

For couples “new” to the whole long distance relationship thing, I highly recommend Chris Bell’s Book: The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide

Or, of course, my own book (written right after my husband and I moved to Tokyo and our LDR ended) My Japanese Husband Thinks I’m Crazy: The Comic Book

He lays out a good way to approach LDRs – regardless of whether you expect to be in an LDR for a couple of months or a couple of years. The book is chalk-full of the stories of other couples who have successfully gone the distance.

So here is my advice for long distance relationship Skype date ideas (that keep the romance burning)

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1. Skype as often as YOU need to

I know what you’re about to say. No one has time for that. No one has time to Skype every day. Between school, work, friends, and studying – it is hard enough to block out 20 minutes for your favorite trashy reality television show, never mind an hour to chat with your significant other.

But I need to Skype every day.

And if you need to Skype every day. Or every other day. Or twice a week – find some way to do it.

It took us a couple months of long distance to figure this one out. I noticed that if it has been more than 12 hours, I forgot to tell Ryosuke things about my day. If we only Skyped twice a week, I had a hard time prioritizing what was important and what could be left out. And we missed a lot of important things.

Skyping Japan Skype during Long distance relationship

Our new rule: Skype twice a day. It’s hard – and it is a lot of work. Because of the time difference (14 hours) we Skype every morning and every evening for AT LEAST 15 minutes. Since we get to chat every day, we rarely Skype for more than an hour at a time. Having a regular Skype schedule has helped me fix my sleep and work schedules. I have much better time management skills, because the only constant thing in my life are my Skype dates.

I’ve noticed as soon as we starting Skype once a day, the number of (and the magnitude of) our fights decreased drastically.

[For more, check out: The Hardest Part of a Long-Distance Relationship – 12 steps for making it work]


2. Turn off ALL distractions

Don’t check email, Facebook stalk, or work on homework while you Skype. That’s just disrespectful to your significant other – and you won’t be able to get much work done anyways. Think of all the times you tried to “study” together when you lived together (or think back on previous relationships).

How much “studying” really got done?

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I’m guilty of checking email and Facebook stalking during Skype calls. I get distracted easily – I can’t stare at the computer screen for too long. I get bored. I need to flip through things. Ryosuke hates it. So much.

To ease my “fidgeting,” I change positions every ten minutes on Skype. I sit in a chair, lay on the bed, spread out of the floor, or walk around the room with the laptop.

Just remember: 20 minutes of quality Skype time + 20 minutes of quality study time is MUCH better than a crappy hour of Skyping and “studying” where nothing much gets done.

3. Mix it up – try a group chat every once and a while

I’ve found the best way to keep Skyping new and fresh (even after 13 months of it) is to not always do one-on-one chats. Mix it up a little bit.

My sister, Ryosuke, his niece, his nephew, and I on Skype

My sister, Ryosuke, his niece, his nephew, and I on Skype

We are fortunate – both of us met at Ursinus College when Ryosuke studied abroad. As a result, we share lots of friends. I like to pass the laptop with Ryosuke around to other friends once a month, so he still feels like an integral part of my life here. Sometimes if I have to go the bathroom or buy a drink, I will drop my laptop off with a friend to keep him company.

I’ve met most of his friends in Japan; when they have “boy’s nights out” they will typically Skype me before they leave. It makes me feel like a part of his life. They ask my permission to “take Ryosuke out” somewhere fun.

We don’t Skype with friends for long, maybe five to ten minutes max – once or twice a month. It’s a great way to keep Skype interesting.

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4. Watch movies and tv shows together

Ryosuke doesn’t watch TV. How I Met Your Mother is one of the few shows he will actually watch – so we try to watch an episode once a week (during the season). It’s fun. We open Skype in one window, the episode in another window, and chat throughout the episode.

Those are my favorite times. He feels close. For those 20 minutes, I forget about the distance. It’s a great feeling. Then, you know, we have something to chat about for the next couple days.

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5. Send Skype Video Messages throughout the day

I suffer from panic attacks. They can be brought on by anything – a missed deadline, homework piling up, or getting sick. The hardest part about being in a long distance relationship (aside from, you know the normal horrible parts of a relationship) is the fact they can’t always be there. Ryosuke lives in Japan; I live in America. Even when we both DID live in Japan, we still lived a 13 hour bus ride away from each other (Akita to Tokyo).

He physically can’t be here for me when I need him – which is a depressing, but unfortunate, barrier in our relationship. We have a 14 hour time difference, if I have an attack at 1pm, it is 3am for him. I have no way to call.

So I leave video messages.

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Not long messages – just the short, standard 3 minute video that Skype lets you send. It calms me down. When Ryosuke wakes up (or gets back from work) he can watch the video to check up on me.

Even when we don’t have problems, I try to send a couple video messages a day. I love waking up in the morning to find videos of Ryosuke awkwardly lip-syncing to something by Maroon 5, chatting about his day, or dancing around his room. It is Ryosuke-on-demand. I love it.

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6. Try skype sex

A necessary part of any relationship. I have a lot of friends in long distance relationships – half of which (on average) cheat on their significant other without meaning to. Of course Skype can’t fill the void you miss by cuddling, falling asleep in each other’s arms, or kissing – but there is no reason to make yourself sexually frustrated.

Find what works for you and do it as often as possible.

Some couples love skype sex; some hate it. I’m on the fence… but every once and a while it is nice.

7. Try to eat meals together once or twice a week

My favorite part about doing long distance in Japan was eating dinner together. We were both in the same time zone; when we got back to our respective apartments at night, we would launch Skype, chat about our day, and unwind over a can of beer or glass of wine.

When we got hungry, we cooked together. I would put my laptop next to the stove while I made stir fry, cut vegetables, and fried meat. Then we would “eat dinner” together – with a plate of food on the table in between us and the laptops.

Ryosuke has my "soccer playing cards" from when I was younger

Ryosuke has my “soccer playing cards” from when I was younger

Most of my friends laughed when I told them about my Skype dinner dates. I’m sure to single people it doesn’t make sense – but to me it was the favorite part of my day. I grew up in a family where we chatted about our day around the dinner table. We always ate dinner together. Ryosuke and I keep that tradition going. Granted – it’s a bit harder to manage because of the Long Distance Relationship aspect – but long distances do not have to be painful and lonely.

[For more, check out: The Four Stages of a Long-Distance Relationship – Surviving the Separation]

Certainly, it takes a certain type of person to keep a long distance relationship going. You can’t just jump into it – assuming it will be the same as a “normal” relationship and expect everything to work out. There will be ups. There will be downs. There will be fears, tears, frustrations, and lonely nights.

But Long Distance Relationships are NOT impossible.

And, when done right, they are the most rewarding thing in the world.

Wedding Ursinus College Grace and Ryosuke amwf wedding amww couple

[Add me on Google Plus: +Grace Buchele]

About Grace Buchele Mineta

I got into the writing business by accident. Now I live in the countryside near Tokyo with my husband, Ryosuke, where I draw comics, blog, and make videos about our daily life. Contact: Website | More Posts

128 Comments on Don’t Blame the Distance: 6 Tips for Skyping during a Long Distance Relationship

  1. Roseberry // 26 May, 2016 at 10:05 am //

    This really makes me feel better about my LDR. Currently my boyfriend lives in Canada and I live in Texas but he’s planning on moving over to Hong Kong for a new job and honestly I freaked out over that because of the time zone and stuff. But I see that many people have been able to overcome the time zones and were able to make it work out. The issue I have is that he doesn’t think he’s ready for a serious relationship, which is quite funny to me when we’ve been together for a year and just last Friday he told me he loves me lot. But his parents seems to be against us dating and after he talked to them about it he suddenly has changed his mind and thinks he’s not ready to be in a serious relationship. He’s told me that he does want things to work out but at the same time I’m worried that he just pities me and is only dating me now out of sympathy. I only hope that that’s not true cause I truly love him and I care about him a lot. He seems like he’s only listening to his parents and what they say instead of thinking about what he really wants and feels. Currently we rarely get to talk anyways because of his busy schedule and after all that has happened with him talking to his parents and telling me he doesn’t feel he’s ready, it just seems he doesn’t want to talk anymore. It seems he’s stressing himself over it so I plan on giving him time to think. It’s just scary to know that he might want to back out of this so soon even though he claims he loves me.

  2. mikaera // 4 May, 2016 at 8:19 pm //

    Hi Grace,
    Really interesting article. I am in a ldr with a Japanese salary man, who is extremely busy. He always gets of work at insane times. Currently we are in a state where we skype for about an hour once every 2 weeks. What did you do to be able to skype more often? We have a 7 hour time difference.

  3. Anonymous // 19 March, 2016 at 2:24 am //

    i love your blog.
    I need some help. Actually my boyfriend and me are in ldr and we are in the last year of our schooling. There is no as such problem but his dad thinks im a distraction for him. I do understand him and he’s right maybe. We see our future with each other and its not a random teenage romance. I dont want his father to hate me. There are many problems like me needing to support my parents, distance , religion issue etc. Please help

  4. My lover and I actually Skype right after school everyday. We have gone many long hours skyping each other and we actually sleep together with the camera on. I actually recommend it for some people because we both have night terrors frequently and comfourt each other in the later hours.

  5. Hey Grace!

    Me and my girlfriend started a long distance relationship after our high school graduation. We’re deeply committed to each other and we love each other deeply. We don’t live that far away; we only live 3 hours away by plane and we live in the same time zone. I’d just like to ask you, how often do you meet Ryosuke in person during your relationship? Or how many times should we be meeting?

    Love your blog by the way! Enjoyed many of the tips that you have written :)

  6. Thank you so much for this post.
    We have a time difference of 7h30 minutes.
    I live in India and she lives in Brazil. But fortunately we take out some hours for each other. We often do Skype and have Skype dates. It’s really amazing.

  7. Anonymous // 30 June, 2015 at 2:23 pm //

    Its a really good advice… Im starting to be in a LDR we just have a month apart and I miss him so much. Hopefully we will see us in 4 months. He is in Germany and Im in Panamá (latinamerica). Your post made me hopefull about my relationship. Thank you so much

  8. Great pieces of advice and so true! LDR are becoming more and more practised cos more and more people travel (for studies, work, pleasure, etc.) I know a lot of people who have been in a LDR for some time (months? years) I have been myself for 6 years and hopefully (=> I’ve a great job, my soon to be hubby needs to find one) the distance will be closed next year :)
    Basically, it’s funny but I came to the same conclusion as you do. I will intensify the practise of some tips.

    Thanks! Wishing you a happy day!

  9. Erich Friedman // 22 March, 2015 at 12:48 am //

    I just wanted to say thanks, this is great advice. I am not in an LDR at the moment, but I am in Long-Distance Family, with my family in New Zealand. It took me over a year to realize that eating together, via Skype, is one of the most wonderful things I could do to reconnect long-distance. Now I’ve made it a habit to Skype while cooking, and while eating. It’s done wonders for feeling more connected, particularly when they are eating and cooking as well, in a different hemisphere.

    Thanks for the wonderful blog.

  10. Wow, I can’t believe I’m JUST reading this! I’ve been in a LDR for awhile, 3 years this month actually, and have read posts from your site here and there though apparently not this one >_< lol I wish I would've read this awhile ago, it would've definitely helped with mine but nonetheless everything seems to have worked out well for me and my bf :) I'll be moving to Korea in 2 weeks and should be there for awhile, at least this year if not more, though I'll definitely keep these tips in mind for the times when I'm back home in California and for when he's in China. Thanks ^-^

  11. We have 8 hours between.
    Some times it’s really difficult to skype everyday because of worktime or something else.
    But we try to do it at least 5 minutes a day. I think we didn’t skyped more than 1 hour or 1 and a half a day. But thanks to messenger apps we can at least write all the time (the only reason I finally bought a snartphone xD)

    I hope to get my degree soon, so I can go back to Japan. I am really scared that we would change to much if we are living so different lifes like now for a long time ╯︿╰

  12. These are some really great things you’ve discovered. I’ll try seeing if my boyfriend would like trying them (we’re only an hour off each other so it might be easier for us to schedule). Looking forward to the closer we will be by adding these things to our lives.

  13. I’m about to go through this. She already is two hours behind me. She’s going to Japan in a couple months. 14 hour time difference from the east coast to Japan… any tips for everyday communication? Please and thank you

  14. Its always nice to see LDRs that have a happy ending. It gives me hope for mine. I have the added frustration of having NEVER met my boyfriend in person… we fell in love online, and our Skype dates are the closest we get to eachother. I’m crazy for my Marine. He is everything and more to me. I’ve never been happier in a relationship, or had someone who showed they care about me as much as he does. I cant tell him enough how much he means to me. But excitement is definitely lacking at times. I wish there was more for us to do together and to get to know eachother better. Any suggestions?

    • I’m glad you found this helpful! Best of luck in your own LDR.
      I really recommend meeting in person as soon as you can – because that really does help the relationship :)

      • We are definitely making plans to meet! I am a full time student, and he is a busy Marine, so we have to work around schedules. He is trying to build up some leave time so we can get a month together in the Summer! I really cant wait to have real one-on-one time with him, and the more time, the better!

      • Official plans have been made! I’m seeing tge love of my life in April! Spring break in Hawaii with an amazing man doesn’t sound too bad, does it? :)

    • I’ve also never met my long distance love in person… we met online a little over a year and a half ago, and for the first year and a few months it was great, but then about four months ago he got a new job and has been a LOT busier. He lives in Minnesota, I’m in Michigan, and he works third shift, so we only get a few minutes to talk every day. My biggest struggle has been not being able to tell him everything during the day. I LOVE tip number 6, as we’ve only been able to skype a few times, which is a lot harder to do on such different schedules. Any more tips or suggestions that have worked for other people are very welcome here :)

      • I, fortunately, get a ton of Skype time with my love. My favorite things to do with him is show him special places for me in my town and have lunch with him there on the phone. We also do this thing once a week, usually a weekend, where we fall asleep together. We prop up our phones and just giggle all night until one of us falls asleep. We have a 3 hour time difference and an ocean between us, but we are extremely close.

    • Anonymous // 2 May, 2015 at 2:15 am //

      I really hope it works out for you and for me too.

      • Well, I have an update… My Marine and I finally got to meet! I got to spend ten amazing days on Oahu with the most incredible man I’ve ever met! I feel like I’ve known this guy my entire life, like I grew up next door to him. The highlight of my trip was our hike. Along with a bunch of his friends, we climbed a mountain and camped out in an old WWII bunker. We built a fire and all sat around it as the Sun was going down over the ocean, just telling stories, drinking and laughing. My love and I watched the sunset and talked about our future and how incredible it felt to finally be in each others arms. It was beautiful and perfect. A moment I will never forget. Plans for our next visit are already in the works! In July, he’s coming to me.

  15. Hey ^^ i just wanted to say thank you so much for writing this. I’m going to be in a LDR soon too, and it’s so difficult to find blog posts and tips for a smiliar situation as mine. most blog posts are just about living 2-4 hours away from each other, whereas for me….well, it’s totally different D: I’ve been (kind of) dating someone for a year now, and we live together since 8 months ago (not just us two, but with another friend from university so it’s technically not exactly living together)…so we see each other all day usually. However, i study chinese, and he studies Japanese. Which means starting in February, i will study abroad in Taipei for a year while he’s in Germany. then in september, he’ll start studying in Tokyo for a year, so at least we don#t have much of a time difference for one semester.
    adn then february after that, i gotta go back to Germany. if i save enough money, i can go visit him in tokyo after my year in taipei, but afterwards i’ll be in germany and he’ll be in japan. which makes it 1 1/2 years of long distance, and i have no idea how to manage this. since we’ll move back to the same apartment we live in right now, we somehow agreed to stay together, but i’m really afraid we can’t make it work. he’s not the type for extensive skype calls, or video messages. and i can’t really make him do that, since we’re not officially dating, even though we basically are. it’s really confusing.
    i think i can manage making time for him, but with the time difference and the extremely long distance it will be so difficult. and also i will have to share the dorm room in taipei with 5 other girls, meaning no privacy while skyping at all ;-;
    still, thanks for all your recommendations, i think movie/tv show dates are a great idea, and your other tips sound good too ^^

    • I don’t what to think about the “not official” thing. Me and my bf did that too… at the beginning. Because living together and having roommates are kinda troublesome. But after 1 month everyone knew. Difficult to hide…

      But that’s not what I wanted to write.
      My bf wasn’t the skype-type either. Sometimes (it’s 5month now) I can see how uncomfortable it is for him. But it is all to make the relationship work.
      So your bf will probably make committmends too, I think (difficult to tell if you don’t know the person and situation) Without skinship AND seeing&talking via skype would be a problem.

      If you don’t do tipp 6 and using earphones, it should be ok for the other girls.
      While I lived in a guesthouse almost everyone skyped. And only the ones who didn’t use earphones and the ones who screamed into their pcs, no one got angry. Everyone understood.

      Good luck :)

  16. This is one of the cutest and best things ever!!! I was googling to look for Skype date ideas and this was the first link I clicked on. My partner & I meet at university which meant lots of intense periods when we were together all the time, then weeks if not months without seeing each other.

    Thank you so much for sharing such wonderful insight! I especially love the dinner date ideas!

  17. Hello, my name is Katie, and I just wanted to say I really appreciate this encouraging blog. I’ve been in my LDR for what will be 3 months on December 12. My boyfriend has been counting the days, hahaha. We’re both working for long term goals together, and are hoping and trying for the best outcome. It’s nice to see a community of people that support in, and believe that LDR’s can work :) if anyone is interested, I’ll share my story happily!

  18. Hi there, it’s very nice to read LDR success stories being in one myself. Mine has started 1 year ago. It was 7th heaven for 11 months and then it got hard. We are talking still and trying to make it work…
    He lives in England, I live in the US. What makes is hard, isn’t the distance really, it’s the amount of money it costs to see each other and trying to get time off etc. Another thing, I have a daughter, and that makes it obviously hard to just pick up our things and move to Europe. Is there anyone out there with a similar situation?? I’d appreciate any input.

  19. Hi there!
    I met a guy when I went a week in London with my then boyfriend this summer (I live in Toronto). We immediately were attracted by each other, I’ve never felt like that. The last night we saw each other, we really wanted to kiss even though my boyfriend was around. But we didn’t, obviously. 3 weeks after coming back from the trip, my boyfriend, which whom I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years, broke up because he learned I was attracted to the guy. Since that, the london guy and I have been talking each day, for hours. I know I could fall deep for the guy even though we’ve never kissed. We both feel a strong connection, and we’ve only been chatting, not even skyping. I am going to live in London for a month this summer and can’t wait to see him again but I’m afraid to get into a relationship with him. I’m afraid I’ll just end up being hurt. What do you think I should do?

    • See, the way I went into my LDR was thinking how much I didn’t want to live with what ifs. I’m not ignorant – I knew how difficult it would be but I just hated the thought of giving up on something good when there were ways to keep it alive. So my advice is to go for it – it might work out, it might not, but do you really want to live your life thinking of what it would have been to be with this guy? The relationship sounds promising, and you sound like you want it. So go get it!

  20. Hello Grace,
    Long story short, I’m incredibly glad I found your blog because the relationship I’m currently in is likely to become a LDR. My current boyfriend is planning to go back to Japan to work for a few years (he was born in Japan) before heading to US, which is more or less the same plan I have at the moment.
    I have one question though; did you and your husband both have similar schedules? I agree that keeping close contact with each other is essential in LDRs and that such doesn’t necessarily have to be frequent contact. My boyfriend is planning to work in finance and I know it’s notorious for keeping crazy hours and I’m worried that with the kind of schedule he’ll have he’ll always be too worn out to do anything but sleep when he gets home (instead of skyping with me). I’ll still be in school for a few more years so though my schedule might be intense, I don’t think I’ll have that same kind of pressure. Do you think finding time to skype with each other is a matter of effort rather than one’s actual schedule?

    Any advice would help, thank you very much!

  21. Hi everybody,
    like most of the people here I am in a LDR too. And many times we experience one or many of these stages.
    This are the only two tips that at least work for me all the time.

    1) A relationship is like a sword. When you forge it you need hot and cold to make it durable forever. And the distance is that cold. The reason some relationship are so strong is because they had some distance. So, let´s embrace distance, and let{s understand how positive it can be.

    2) Sometimes I get frustrated, and my partner get frustated because I am frustrated and a snow ball starts. I always try to stop that negative snow ball with love. This sounds cheesy but it makes sense. When you feel that a negative thing is starting, do something nice, write her or him a mail, think something that you love about them, try to remember how and why you fell in love with them. And suddenly you will feel much much better and you will avoid stressfull situation.

    I am not expert at all, but if this simple two tips help you, I am really glad :)

    I wish the best luck!!!


  22. I’m about to be in Shanghai for a quarter studying abroad and my boyfriend and I live in the US. I was really scared about the distance but also the difficulties that such different time zones will have. But your article really helped me :) Thank you so much

  23. really beautiful post :) so glad it worked out for you two! im working through this situation now as well!

  24. Hi Grace! Thank you so much for your blogs posts, it has really put me at ease these last few days as I’m 2 weeks away from being in an LDR with my boyfriend of 8 months.

    My boyfriend and I just finished our freshman year of high school together in Vietnam. We first met when he was a new student to our school and we happened to be in the same homeroom (meaning 90% of our classes were together). We became good friends while we were dating other people (which for me happened to be an LDR that ended up not working out). By the end of the first semester we started dating. He lived really close by so we practically saw each other all day every single day.

    From the moment we started dating, I knew that leaving to the States was part of my future. I just never expected our relationship to last too long considering my past ‘relationships’ were 2-3 months on average (same goes for him). We both thought the heartbreak would be over and done with before half the semester, but something just makes the two most uncommitted teenagers to last as long as we did.

    Despite previously being in an LDR, I’m completely unprepared and worried as heck. The previous one, the guy was much older therefore had a looser timetable and my school was pretty chill. So we basically Skyped all day every single day. This time, I will be at a boarding school instead of being at home. I will be living with a roommate, we will have a designated study time every night and we have no internet access after 10:30pm. For one, I still want to get outside and socialize because I do want to have an enjoyable high school experience. I also don’t want to Skype so much to the point where I become annoying to my roommate. Also, the time difference being 11-12 hours means that we have maximum twice a week to Skype with each other. It really saddens me to go from seeing each other every single day to barely having the time to have a proper conversation. We will get to see each other for 2 weeks in 4 months and possibly 2-3 weeks 2 months following that. By summer (2 months after that), I would be back home and hopefully, he will be moving to the States for school too.

    Basically, if it all works out in our favor we will only be 19000 (or something) miles away from each other for one school year.
    So he would be in Brooklyn and I would be in Watertown, Connecticut which is a mere 2 hours car ride. Granted it is still a LDR, but compare it to what we’re about to head into, it’s heaven. This is what we’re working towards for now since we’re still young.

    What I’ve written so far is quite pointless and pretty much just me sharing my story to you. However, I would love to hear some advice from you about my specific situation. (It is quite hard for me since my LDR is somewhat extreme compared to the articles I could find about LDRs)

    Anyways, again thank you for your amazing blog posts. I’m so glad your LDR worked out and that you are happily living in Japan with your husband. I wish you all the best! x

    • I would also like to add, we have the tendency to fight a lot when we’re away from each other. But what we’ve experienced so far is being 2-3 hours away and not seeing each other for a few days, so we still had the time to sort things out. I’m scared that having these time limitations might be detrimental to mending our relationship.

    • Hi Mai,

      Thanks for sharing. I totally get where you’re coming from – I had never had a relationship last more than about a month, so when my husband and I first started dating, in the back of my mind (even though we were so happy), I didn’t really think the distance would be a problem, because we would probably annoy the heck out of each other and break up before he went back to Japan.
      That didn’t happen, weirdly enough.

      Having a roommate is difficult… when it comes to Skype. I would actually recommend trying to Skype “outside” (if your campus has wi-fi) or in a Starbucks, etc. Not annoying your roommate is pretty important..
      It sounds like y’all have a rough year ahead of you – but if you can survive it, the next year (only 2 hours apart) will be a piece of cake. Or at least a bit less sucky.

      Even if you can’t physically talk to each other every day, you can still write letters/emails/record videos/ etc. Don’t worry.

  25. Hi Grace

    Your blog is an inspiration and gives me some hope over my LDR. all i could say right now about this thing is “ohhh my godddddddd, its so hard…” since he was staying with me for 2 months before he had to go. He was here all along and next thing he is gone… and I read your other articles too, about denial (changing flights and etc.) is so right… (we changed his flight twice…) and I am so used to him walking around my room, having every meals together, picking me up from my work, and now I feel suddenly, there is a hole in my chest… and i am walking around like a zombie. I tried to work alot, but it does not help…both of us love each other so much, and we plan to get married in a few years, Still, he has to be done with his degree in germany and I have just started my grad school in singapore we will only see each other every 3 months and just can’t imagine being in a LDR for another 2 more years… yet i have to hold on because I love him so much and nothing has ever felt so right as what we have. When I read your blog, it motivates me and it gives me hope, and it tells me how much this whatever i am going through right now would be worth it, when we actually could be together for the rest of our lives.

    so Thank you very much!
    Hugs from Singapore

    • Hi :)

      Good luck for your LDR for the next 2 years. Once every three months is hard… but at least y’all have a schedule!
      The first couple months of an LDR are always the worst. Hopefully you can break out of the “zombie mode” and throw yourself into work/build up a regular skype schedule. Best of luck!

  26. Hey hi.. grace.. I hv been in ldr since 3 months.. and only i knw how hard it is fr me.. I live in India and he lives in a part of europe nd the time diff. Is 5 hrs..1st month went all fine with all the love in it.those paasionate messages nd al..everythng was upto my expectations..thn suddendly he started gettng busy.. not even have time to rply back to my texts or lately.. and it leaded to lotts of fights nd differences.. he tells me to come on skype but usually tht time doesnt suits me.. nd he thnks I m not interested ..I mean unfortunarely everytime when he ask me to come in skype, the timings are usaully very odd.. I mean its almost 3 am. In the mrnng or 4.. so I refuse bcause of family reasons etc.. though I told him tht time diff is great issue nd he agrees to it too ..but what I feel is that he must be thnkng tht whatever he sayz I dnt do it..nd it makes me wrry all the time..
    I know that he really loves me but still he doesnt have time for me the whole day because he is busyy nd I know that too but still my mind keeps on wandering here and there thnkg if he is lying to me, if he is ignoring me! Nd this really makes me frustrated..I really love him and trust him.. but not getting the same response from him makes me emotioanlly weak leading to fights..plzzzzz help mee..because I knw tht yelling at him everytime is not good for the relation and I might loose his interet in him.. but I cant help it also.. what should I do.. m really worried..

    • I dont want him to think that I m needy and controlling him and I dnt want to b clingy how should I approach him and ask him to find time for me ..

      • Hello clever,

        Just a piece of advice try talking to him, how you feel about this, and how much more time you need from him. for example like (baby, I expect you / us to text at least once a day, or call before you/I go to bed , etc…) without yelling him of course. I think every couples have their own rules / frequency that they communicate and you two can talk it out on a compromise, i hope.

        Good Luck!


        p.s my boyfriend is currently in europe too and I am here in singapore. I know it’s mental.

  27. Hey, I love reading your posts about you and your husband. You guys are so cute! And seem to be madly in love, which is so so so amazing.
    I recently got into a relationship with a Japanese guy. We got into a relationship knowing that we’ll be long distance, which I think now is crazy because he’s my first ever boyfriend! So, not only am I new in LDR, I’m also new in relationships. I came accross your blog while trying to find out more what it’s like to date a Japanese man, and I found out that the whole Japanese men are shy thing to be sooooo true. It’s what attracted me to him in the first place, but it also frustrates me at times because he can be so quiet for days without texting me. But I told him about this, and I try to make him talk more about himself and it seems to work because he’s starying to open up more.
    Recently, we started skyping (we’vemonly been together for 2 months…) and I loved it so much. However, I’m kinda scared of asking him to skype with me everyday. I’m scared that he’ll think I’m needy and clingy. I also don’t know how to slyly suggest we make a skype schedule, like once a week or twice a week without sounding demanding. I mean, the first few times, it was me who suggested the idea of skyping, though he was the one who took charge to set the time and call me. So, do you have any suggestion on how I can approach him on this matter without appearing as too clingy or needy?

    • Thanks for the message! (sorry for such a late reply)
      Congrats on your new relationship. Starting out via Skype can be pretty tricky – but I think the most important thing is to be super-honest all the time. A lot of time, it’s hard to “read between the lines” over Skype, especially if it is intercultural.
      If you want to Skype more, tell him. If he thinks you’re being clingy, encourage him to tell you. I also thinking having a schedule is really important. Just be honest and upfront about it, no need to hide. Wanting to Skype with your boyfriend isn’t something you should be ashamed of :)

      • Oh no, it’s okay! Thank YOU for replying! I’ll try my best and tell him. Hopefull it won’t scare him or something….
        I’ve been ”researching” about dating Japanese guys and most of them mentioned the fact that it’s important to be able to ”read their minds”. How do you do that, like, how do you know that he likes you as much as you like him because he can go for 2 days without texting, and I was going mad checking my phone every second to see if he has texted. I guess that’s why I like reaing your posts, because I’m kinda a bit crazy too :D
        Once again, thanks for the advice!

        • Oh my gosh, I remember I used to go crazy because I didn’t understand what my husband was thinking. And why he didn’t message me all the time.

          I eventually kind of sat him down as was like “look, I know this is how you do it in Japan, but I’m dying over here, so you need to step up your game.” Turns out I was also doing a couple of things “wrong,” so it was a good talk.
          Ah, the memories…

  28. I am so incredibly happy I found your blog.
    I’ve been in a LDR for the past 2 years, my boyfriend is American and I am Canadian. It’s the most difficult thing I have ever done, but I love him so much. Thank you for posting about your experience. It’s difficult to find comfort in the loneliness of a long distance relationship when the best suggestion is to see your loved one as much as possible but they live in another country, requiring almost a year of planning and saving. This has helped so much. It’s helped me express to my boyfriend the issues I am having when I can’t put words to it and comforted me knowing that the feelings I sometimes have are shared by others in my position. So, thank you. Just so much.

    • I’m so glad you found this helpful. It’s also a great learning experience – reading through comments from other couples.
      I wish yall the best of luck in your LDR. 2 years is a really long time…

  29. Dear Grace!!

    I just recently became your big fan. I found your post about LDR on Huffington and I just can’t help myself finding more about your regular posts and blogs which eventually landed me here :)

    I really do appreciate every single stories you have shared so far. They are very encouraging and meaningful stories I’ve ever read about LDR. You are such an optimist and I believe that being optimistic is contagious. Thank God I found your articles. My Japanese boyfriend and I (well, I’m a Thai who literally spending my life since my teen living abroad) has just started our LDR 5 months ago after I graduated from a university in Japan. We’re still seeing each other physically in once every two or three months and spend a week or so together. However, I’ll be moving back to live with my parents and continue my Master’s in the California this upcoming Fall. This actually make me feel insecure about our future together but my boyfriend always keeps assuring me that everything is gonna be alright. We’ll manage things and time to see each other as time and financial could afford. For now, I think we are very much in a healthy stage of our relationship ever since we started dating a year ago.

    Yet, I still feel insecure from times to times and I would love to hear more of your views on this. Don’t you ever have this kind of feeling regarding the future when you first started LDR? Have you ever feel that sometimes (Japanese) guy are not apt to express their feeling freely (or maybe i’m just being too much expressive)?

    Sofie <3

    • Hi Sofie!

      Thanks for sharing :)
      I’m so glad you found my posts helpful – when I first started writing these, I was worried because I couldn’t find any “positive” LDR stories that I could relate with. So I wanted to make my own.

      In short, yes I would get insecure sometimes. It’s difficult to commit to something 100% in this day and age. People are changing jobs, cities, friends, etc so easily – so it’s gets difficult.

      As for Japanese men expressing feelings? Some do; some don’t. Some don’t at first, then start to because they know it makes you feel better. My husband was pretty no-PDA hands-off when we first started dating, but now he’s all like “I love you” and kissing in public. People change.

  30. Anonymous // 2 June, 2014 at 4:48 pm //

    Hi Grace

  31. Hi Grace, I’m Andrea. I live in Kentwood, Michigan. I quite recently met a guy online, and we immediately hit it off. He is two years older than me and we are both in school still. But he lives in Australia, 14 hours ahead of me. So we rarely have time to talk, especially with my school in the morning and his at night. But we still make certain we either snap chat (if we want to see each other) or message online every day.

    My friends say he’s my eastern hemisphere boyfriend, but I’m not even sure if we are at that point yet. I really really REALLY like him, but I don’t want to rush into things just to have nothing happen because, well you know what people say about LDRs…

    One thing I’m really worried about is that we have never Skyped yet. I’m not sure why… it could be anything from him not having an account, to (what one of my friends are repeatedly saying) him possibly catfishing (which I highly doubt because we still snapchat).

    So I guess what I need most is just advice. Can you help me?

    • Hi Andrea,

      Thanks for sharing. Meeting online is actually a pretty common way to meet nowadays.

      It’s a little odd that y’all haven’t been able to Skype yet or chat face-to-face. Before moving into a real relationship or sending too much personal information, I would try to chat face-to-face, just to make sure everything check out.

    • Hi Andrea, complete stranger here. I wish you the best of luck in your ldr but I must warn you that snapchats can actually be faked (long story but it is possible to plug gallery pictures in).

      Don’t be stupid, if something seems off then ask him about it.

  32. Celeste // 24 May, 2014 at 2:11 pm //

    I really, really loved your post. It makes me feel there is at least a little hope for my long-distance relationship. I’m a sophomore in high school and I lived in California for the past 12 years, but my dad got a job offer in Mexico so my family and I moved and I had to leave my 1-year 2-month old relationship behind. I know I’m young and have had little experience with love, but I haven’t ever felt the same thing for anyone else like I do with my boyfriend. Before I left, I told him maybe we’d be better off breaking up, (because I would like to back to Cali for college, but obviously it’s not for certain). He said he would wait for me as long as he needed to, and has said the same thing over these last 6 months.
    I moved here in January and didn’t realize what an LDR actually felt like until about a month in. It hit me really hard, especially since our relationship when we were together didn’t consist of a lot of virtual interaction since we used to see each other every day. So we text once or twice a week just to see how everything’s going and we call or skype about once a month, but sometimes I feel like it might not be enough. I was able to convince my parents to let me fly to my hometown in the summer and stay at a friend’s house for a month. I hope to be able to figure out what we both feel and want now, since I don’t know when the next time I’d see him again would be. I liked how you said developing a sort-of-like-schedule depending on us was a good idea, because I’d heard before that our relationship is doomed if we don’t talk to each other every day. :)

    • Good luck!
      I think it’s wonderful that both of you are so open and motivated to make the distance work. Also, I feel you on parents moving for jobs – my mom got a job offer in Ghana when I was 13, so we moved there. It really hurt to leave behind all my close friends (and crush), but I ended up moving on to bigger and better things (like studying in Japan), so it all worked out.

      I guess the best bet is to make a schedule for communication and stick to it. Luckily y’all have a year and a half together to strengthen the relationship – but good luck during the summer!

  33. Hello Grace,
    This post (and your blog) is both very insightful and inspirational, so thank you.
    I am from Australia and I went to Europe over the winter and met a guy. We hit it off and talked all the time and had a little fling for about 3 weeks. Then I came back to Australia. We kept talking everyday on facebook chat and skying almost every day for hours. I started to really like him. We began to connect on a very deep level and eventually told each other we loved one another (i told him first ah!). We both agreed we never expected this to turn out so serious but we have both found each other not interested in anyone else sexually or on an emotional level. We have made rough plans for the future and would someday love to give a ‘real relationship’ a go by living together or at least in the same city when we get a break with our careers. It has been 7 months since we met and as I mentioned, we have not gone a day without some form of communication. I cannot think about anyone else and telling him about my day IS the highlight of my day. I love him dearly and care about him so much and can’t wait to see him again in a couple months when I go back to visit family :). The problem is: It feels like he is my boyfriend and that we are in a long-distance relationship…when that is not true. He is allowed to get with other people and so am I. We cannot begin a relationship now because I dont want to set boundaries that I (and he) cannot sustain. Also, we haven’t spent enough time together in person to be in a relationship. This hurts a lot because when you love someone you need some committment for it to exist. I’m an independant women, I work 2 jobs, have an active social life and hobbies but after that late night skype conversation with him or if I think aout what it would be like to hug him again and be with him I get so depressed and can’t cope. I hate the fact that I’m so reliant on him to make me happy which is not healthy (I know). I feel like I’m subconsciously convincing myself that he’s my partner when he is not. I can’t handle this mushy, unclear, grey definition of what we have. I know it sounds selfish, but I am genuinely worried for my emotional well being…I feel stupid for feeling like this for someone who isn’t my boyfriend and I also hate feeling depressed when I can’t do anything about it. Should I stop all contact and break it off with him to protect myself?

    • Hi Zoe,

      Thanks for sharing.
      Oddly enough, I know what you’re talking about.
      Sometimes a simple fling can turn into something else.

      I think the best thing for you is to make it a “real” relationship. I know, that seems kind of stupid and dangerous, but y’all are basically in an emotional relationship right now. You’ve expressed you have no interest emotionally or sexually with anyone else. Y’all are essentially together… but not.
      And that can really mess BOTH of you up.

      Jealousy is a killer in long distance relationships – even more so if there aren’t clear lines as to what you “have” and what you “don’t have.” The grey area is the worst.
      I would recommend next time y’all have a long, in-depth conversation on Skype, bring up the topic of a relationship. Sure, you haven’t spent enough time “Physically” together, but I have quite a few friends who met online (through gaming, etc) and began dating LDR, before meeting up in personal later. One set of friends has been happily married for 10 years.
      It’s more normal than you think.

      I think the only way to protect yourself emotionally is to ensure that y’all are both equally committed to this. It’s possible to make a distance relationship like this work.
      You seem very attached to him – and even though it’s “ok” for him to get with other people, I can’t imagine you being able to stomach that without a bit of jealousy.
      I don’t think it’s selfish to ask for a relationship – since that’s essentially what y’all already have. If he says no, then (and ONLY THEN), you might consider lessening contact, to protect your heart.

  34. Hi Grace! I was searching for ways how to make a Skype date really fun and enjoyable for both me and my girl. We only met online and at first, she never believed in LDR. She didn’t have any relationship experiences until we met. But the thing is, and I know this might not be comfortable to many and to you, we’re both girls and after months of dating, she told me she loves me so much but she found our relationship hard because she can’t even hold me. I am definitely not rich and we’re both still studying so we can’t get to see each other soon. I would love to try all of the things you listed here but here are a few things:
    Problem with No. 1: Everyday, there are power outages and they occur mostly during my free time.
    Problem with No. 2: We’re both still studying and she takes school pretty serious so she always studies a lot. Also, she really loves shopping and when she’s shopping online, it’s hard to talk to her. I do online jobs as well so I can’t Skype when I’m at work.
    Problem with no. 3: She doesn’t wanna do a group chat. She’s shy with the people around me even though they all know we’re together. And for her side, her friends doesn’t know we’re dating which is I can totally understand.
    Problem with No. 4: I proposed this idea before but she’s just too lazy and doesn’t want to go through all the trouble for a show or movie.
    Problem with No. 5, 6 and 7 are the same with No. 4.

    I would like to ask you if you have more ideas that you think I can apply to my situation? Thank you!

    • Hi Duane,

      Thanks for sharing :)
      I actually have several girl friends who are in girl/girl LDRs – I think love is love :)
      It’s refreshing to see so many different types of LDRs~

      Your situation sounds rough. I understand her not wanting to do group chats (it can be awkward if you don’t know your significant other’s friends). But I think y’all should have a chat about the importance of “Skype time.”

      My husband used to get really upset with me when I read articles/shopped online. He thought it was rude – and it cut into our Skype time.
      I think y’all should make a rule for ‘no doing other stuff on Skype.’ In return, if she’s busy with studying and stuff, you can Skype “less.” I also know a lot of Skype couples that DON’T Skype every day (or even more than once a week) without any problems.
      It depends on the couple.

      But yes, I think y’all should really sit down and talk about priorities. Make sure you’re on the same page.

      • Thank you for responding, Grace! :)

        Apparently, yesterday was our anniversary. I’ve been planning a lot about it as well as her upcoming birthday. I really can’t do the “send something” or “gift and flowers delivery” because I have a tight budget at the momet. So, what happened was, in the morning, we were both busy cause she had work and I had to go somewhere as well. She wakes up first because of time zones and I didn’t understand why she was really cold to me. The next hours made the situation worse and when nighttime came, I asked her for a Skype date. The first few minutes were okay…until it was getting awkward. She was not listening to me and she looked like she was browsing through stuff. I was talking serious about what happened to us in the morning and why she was cold but she seemed like she didn’t even care. She was shopping! And then I told her to listen to me. A few talks and it made the atmosphere very heavy. She then told me that it hurt her how it felt like our anniversary wasn’t important to me anymore. I was hurt as well cause I was giving my all and had plans but didn’t have the chance to do them cause she was being cold to me the whole day. Whatever I say and do now seemed to be not enough. She wants to see me. I want to see her too but she’s getting impatient and tired. Any ideas?

        • I’m really not sure. That sounds awkward.

          In your anniversary case, it seems like a problem of miscommunication. She wanted something to arrive in the mail/a big, grand display of your love (because that’s what a lot of girls – myself included – want for anniversaries). And it seems like she was really mad when she didn’t get what she envisioned. Which is awkward.
          But if she didn’t TELL you what she wanted, then there is nothing you could have done.

          On the other hand, you really tried to make this day special. She was being very rude/disrespectful by ignoring you – especially shopping while you Skype. That’s not fair for you. If the anniversary was so important for her, she should have sent YOU something or done something for YOU.
          I think y’all should plan a face-to-face visit soon. You have a lot of things you need to talk through, and some of that can only be done face-to-face.

          In the mean time, make a “no distractions on Skype” rule. You can always do what my husband does, when he catches me shopping/reading stuff online while we Skype, he hangs up the call. Then calls back like 5 min later and is like “Ok, you ready to Skype for real now?”

          • We’re planning to see each other when we’re both not busy already…which is in December. Do you think it’s too late?

            As for the “no distractions on Skype” rule, I can’t hang up the call because if I do, she just rages on me and think I don’t wanna talk or something. She doesn’t listen to explanations as well.

          • Ummmm, I actually don’t know what to say. I think for a relationship to work, there has to be equal power. One person can’t completely dominate the relationship – because it’s not “fair” and it’s not “healthy.”

            I think your girlfriend has all the power in this relationship. It’s like the old saying “whoever cares the least in the relationship wins.” I don’t know what you can do to improve your Skyping with your girlfriend, sorry.

  35. Hey,
    I just read some of your posts concerning long distance relationships, and thank you for them. It is reassuring to see that it may work. I felt in love with a guy in Sweden while I’m living in France, and we both want to make it work. So it is really refreshing to read posts like yours and not only those stupid “forget about long distance relationships, those never work”. I much prefer your “it’s not easy, but definitely worth it !”
    So thanks again
    (and by the way, the pictures in your posts are alos really cool!)

    • Thank you so much :)
      Best of luck for you and your LDR!

      I wanted to write these because I thought it was kind of stupid how the only self-help (or blogs) I could find about LDR were kind of like “give up, it’s not worth it, someone always cheats.”
      Glad you found it helpful!

  36. Hie my name is claris lam in a long distance for five year got married to my husband last year .we meet for four year before we staryed our five year long distance.My husband stays is los angelos and i stay in south africa ling distance is hard but its got its goodness so for all the long distance couple my advice in to love, trust ,listern ,respect and communicate ur feeling to the other person and it will work from the master of long distance i cant be with my husband im waiting for my green card that is taking a year

    • Thank you for sharing. You’re absolutely right – love, trust, respect, and communication are essential for a long distance relationship. I wish you all the best – good luck with your Green Card!

  37. Synnove_V // 29 April, 2014 at 2:23 am //

    Reading your posts give me hope and make me feel happy that I actually have an LDR. I met this guy, this awesome guy in Lima, Peru and we only hung out together for 2 days…and it sounds crazy (or so people say), but there’s this incredible connection and we can’t let go of each other. I’m going to see him in Canada in a month for about 10 days, we have all kinds of plans and I can’t wait to kiss him! (talk to him, hug him, hold him, anything and everything with him!). We are both very young though, and it’s hard not being able to just fall asleep next to each other…Still, reading your posts and looking at your adorable pics together makes me cry like a little girl because I want that. Just an opportunity to hang out with him, watch movies together and watch him react to everything. Any more advice? :) I thank you in advance! (you guys are adorable!)

    • Thanks so much :)

      That sounds really cute!
      It’s hard being in a LDR when you’re young, I think, because you don’t have access or money to do the kinds of things you want. Like it’s not as simple as just booking a ticket to see them or taking time off work.
      But I wish y’all all the best!

      I guess my only advice is to keep thinking in the long-term. When you take a step back, it will be ok (even though the days and times when it seems really difficult to be separated).

      On a side note, my husband and I actually honeymooned in Lima! It was really fun and interesting (we LOVED the food especially)

  38. geraldine // 19 April, 2014 at 2:42 pm //

    I’m so in love with my boy, he is from Brasil and I’m from Peru, right now I’m in NY and oh god we are so busy we can’t skype everyday but we talk to much on chat. Anyway read these kind of things gives me hope and makes me so happy. I’m going to brasil on july and can’t wait to see him again, kiss him and just touch his hand. Good vibes for all the long distance realtionship couples here.
    Ps. I speak spanish so sorry for my bad english :)

  39. My fiance and i have been dating for 7 years before he proposed last July. Then in Feb this year he had to move 4000miles to Australia to study (i live in Singapore!) for 4 years. He isnt someone to check his phone often, and he has said he doesnt like texting me so much. Not because he doesnt like talking to me; he just doesnt like to be on his phone so much. Im an extremely insecure person, and i get so crazily jealous all the time even though i don’t talk about it so much with him. I find that he places all other activities before me. He would cancel our skype dates if his friends plan an activity together. It’s such a horrible feeling. I’m not really sure if it’s just a guy’s thing. I know its not good to compare, but i can’t help but wonder if he’s just not that keen afterall.

    • One of the hardest things about long distance relationships is that each person handles it differently. I mean y’all have been together for over 7 years. You onbviously know and care about each other – which might just make the distance even more difficult.
      When we first embarked on our LDR my then boyfriend and a had only been dating for six months. Neither knew what to expect – so we both had to work extra hard to make it work.
      And it worked. We are married now and happily living in Tokyo.

      Since y’all have been together so long you probably have expectations on how HE should act and he is probably getting frustrated because YOU are acting different than usual.

      It sounds frustrating that he doesn’t check his phone – I recommend y’all setting aside an afternoon to really talk about what needs to change in your relationship. You obviously care about each other, there are just some problems in communication and expectations.
      Good luck!!

  40. christian // 23 March, 2014 at 5:05 am //

    Hello grace.. I am christian.. I’m american and my girlfriend is korean.. she lives there and I live in america. We have been dating awhile. My girlfriend doesn’t work long hours… only two. But she does do different activities such as cooking class.I work 8 and I study. I always have time for her and to skype. But recently I saw our skype time was getting lower and lower.. we used to skype for hours. She recently said she doesn’t like me as she did before. She said she doesn’t know why.. but we have a florida trip together in april and she said maybe that trip will help us. I’m currently studying the korean language to make her more comfortable. I really love her and deep down I can tell she still loves me. I went to korea to meet her for first time and we had an amazing time and she was very happy. I really want this to work. I’m 23 and she’s 25. I want her to be as happy as before. I will go to korea soon for school. And I know she misunderstands things I say and we argue. I hate arguing. I love her . PLEASE help me… How can I feel that love again?

    • christian // 23 March, 2014 at 5:07 am //

      How can I help her love me as before?

    • That is difficult. I think a visit might be able to rekindle your previous feelings – but that’s the only thing I can think of.
      The difficult part of a LDR is that you can’t make the other person love you. They can lose interest, move on, or find Skyping/being in a LDR too “time consuming” or “hard”… and there is nothing you can do about it.
      Honestly, there is no way to MAKE her love you as she did before.
      But you can work towards falling in love again.

      I recommend cutting back on Skype. It obviously seems like your girlfriend doesn’t enjoy skyping as much as she did before. Perhaps you need to find a new method of conversation (phone calls, emails, old fashioned letters).
      You should ask her what is bothering her recently – perhaps she has something on her mind she feels unable to share with you.

  41. frustratedarmywife // 3 March, 2014 at 8:59 pm //

    My husband has been deployed for about 6 months now and I am about 6 months pregnant. I hate every moment he is away but he will be home soon. My big problem is skype sex. We started it about a month in and he loved it… I hated it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And now 6 months in its slowing down more and more. We use to have it 2-3x a week but now were at once a week. The more he askes for it the more frustrated I get with him. It may be my hormones slowing my sex drive idk but I need some advice on how to keep the spark alive but not by continously degrading myself by doing something I dont like.

    • Ouch. I’m really sorry to hear that. Every couple is different – and it’s really not fair for him to pressure you into doing something you don’t like. Each couple is different on Skype and I have a lot of friends who absolutely HATE Skype sex (I guess similar to you, they find it degrading and annoying). So that reaction is kind of normal – don’t worry. However, those couples have been lucky so far because both sides of the relationship dislike Skype sex.

      I’m not your husband, so I don’t know what he likes, but you can always try the “old fashioned” way by encouraging your husband to try solo masturbation with naughty pictures?

  42. I just got into a long distance relationship. I live in canada and he lives in India so we have a 12 hour difference. I was really worried about it at first and then we skyped the other day and I’m so happy to say that I think things will be fine. Of course they’ll be tough but as long as we both stay strong, we will be just fine. Reading your blog also really helped me feel better about my relationship because a lot of the long distance cases that I’ve seen have been within the same time zone which I think is a little easier but we make it work by waking up a little earlier and staying up a little later so that we can talk.

    • I think it’s really great that both of you have acknowledge that it is going to be difficult. As long as you don’t have any illusions about what being in an LDR is like, you should be fine!
      Good luck! I’m glad you found my blog helpful!

  43. Hello Grace! My name is christian from gainsville, Florida. I’m in a LDR and I need help… my girlfriend is korean and lives in korea. Is there a easy way to contact you? Thanks! Have a nice day

  44. I’m in an LDR, I live in Ohio and he lives in Costa Rica. We are both young (me-16, him-18) but we have managed for a year and 3 months and we are still going strong. I’m meeting him with my father is 4 months and I’m so excited. Skype dates are truly amazing, we both love TV. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and for the first time we watched something together on netflix. The best thing for our relationship after trying it out. Sometimes there isn’t much to talk about (considering we talk all the time except for school and work). We are young, but I believe with some hard work things are going to work out. Both our parents support us 100% and we are hoping to close the distance when i’m 19, and he’s 21. I’m going there when I’m 18 to live with him on summer vacation, you don’t really know someone unless you’ve lived with him right?:) I’m hoping for some positive feedback and more ideas! Great article!!!

    • I’m so glad your parents support you. That’s one of the most important things in a LDR (if not parents, just support in general).
      Youth doesn’t necessarily matter, I think couples of all ages can make an LDR work as long as them communicate.

      Also, good luck living with him for summer vacation. That sounds lovely. I remember the first time my husband and I lived together after our LDR – it was fun and magical!

    • Anonymous // 31 March, 2014 at 3:47 am //

      No way!!! Im Costa Rican and my boyfriend from California :)

  45. I have done the long distance thing before and it just didnt work in the long run. We were together for 5yrs total with 3 (intermittent) yrs apart. When we were apart we put forth the effort to tall every day and do a lot of things mentioned in this article. I thought it was bringing us closer and that we were more in love because of it. Well when the seperation ended for the last time and we were living together again, we both realized that we had created a false illusion of each other that the real person could not live up to. Skype didnt show us all the flaws a “real” relationship would have. Any inspiring words that can convince me that this wont happen every time? Cause it really sucked and has prevented me from getting serious with anyone else. I have chosen a military profession so it will always be something I will have to do if I ever want a serious relationship again.

    • Thanks for sharing. Oddly enough, I know what you’re talking about. I only did long distance for about a year and a half (total) and I noticed some of the hardest parts were about a month after living together – after a long section of LDR. Skype doesn’t show the flaws of your lover… and it also doesn’t show how often they do laundry, what they do in their spare time, how they handle being bored, etc.
      Sorry to hear you had a bad experience with LDR and good luck in the future!

  46. This is a really beautiful story. ^u^ I’m also dating someone from Japan (I’m in Canada) and this makes me really hopeful. Your date ideas are really cute too! I’m surprised how much you guys skype, it sounds dreamy since the distance is always there. Me and my love talk every day by message but not as often on skype. I’d like to skype more or do those video messages. Perhaps I should look it up :D Thank you for your story :)

    • I’m not going to lie – I think the distance really helped our relationship grow stronger. But it was also heartbreaking and difficult…
      Are y’all in an LDR right now?

      • I understand where you’re coming from. It is pretty heartbreaking and some days are crying when I miss him. We are yes. I met him last year when I went to Japan and now we are apart until we see each other again. With time, I want to be able to look back on it and see it that way too. We will grow stronger together. I can’t wait to be with him again. It’s stories like the ones you posted that really make me hopeful. :) With all the technology we have now the only thing in the way is excuses. LDR isn’t forever so I just tell myself “This too shall pass”.

  47. My boyfriend and I have a nine hour time difference, but we still manage to FaceTime every day, sometimes even twice a day. On certain days of the week when my class schedule is free and he doesn’t have work, we lay our laptops on the bed and fall asleep together. All my single friends think it’s weird, but I simply don’t know how we would survive if we didn’t have that one day a week to be in the same bed together. We pick a recipe and make it together in our kitchens, then we eat it together at our tables. Again, all my single friends think it’s ridiculous, but it provides some normalcy in our lives.
    I am so happy that there are other LDR out there that share these things! You truly cannot understand a LDR until you’ve been in it.

    • I didn’t “get” LDRs until I was in one. And once I was in one, I just kind of gave up trying to explain it to my single friends. It’s one of those things you can’t understand until you’ve been there.

      I think cooking the same recipe is absolutely adorable! I’ve never heard of that one before :)


  49. My boyfriend and I have been long distance for about 6 months now. Recently my boyfriend doesn’t like to Skype as much, he says he has a life too and can’t always be on Skype. He makes promises and then once he hears from his friends he leaves and hangs out with them all night leaving me waiting. Just like tonight he promised he would Skype me all day and now he’s out with his friend who just showed up. He said he “has to workout with him tonight because he has to work his ahoulders” even though earlier today he already worked out. He said he is tired of skyping with me cux it’s the same thing over and over. He said it doesn’t feel right. I’m headed into boot camp for the Air Force in a couple weeks and won’t be able to actually see him for another couple weeks. I plan on getting my first base on where he lives. How do I keep him interested? Am I doing something wrong wanting to Skype all the time?

    • I won’t see him for another couple months.

    • Hi Ashley,

      Thanks for sharing. I don’t think there is anything wrong with skyping all the time – but it is important to know that not all people like to Skype. I recently found out two friends of mine in a long distance relationship never skype. Apparently he hates to. Instead, they try to see each other once every three weeks…
      I don’t think that would work for me (since I loooooooove skype), but it seems to work for them.

      Perhaps instead of long, marathon skype sessions, try to keep them short – like less than 30 minutes. That way they are always interesting and won’t take up his entire night. Does that make sense?
      Good luck with surviving the distance!

  50. Hi Grace,
    Thanks for sharing these good ideas! I’ve been in a long distance relationship for over a year (I’m in Germany and my now-fiance is in the US). Long-distance ended up being a good thing for us–with LDRs, you’re pushed a bit to put more work into the relationship, and putting work into a relationship always pays off. We got engaged this summer and are looking forward to getting married next year…I’m super excited because we’ll then be finally living together…but I’m always going to treasure this long-distance time.
    All the best and many years of love to you and Ryosuke!

    • Hi Rachel,

      That so great to hear! It’s rare to hear “success stories” in LDRs – I think that fact that y’all were able to make it is wonderful :)
      I do love how my LRD has pushed both of us to into reevaluating what place our relationship has in our lives.

      Best of luck to you and congratulations on the upcoming wedding!

    • I’m the opposite (American girl in love with a German guy) and I love that our LDR forces us to work and be honest with what we want. We’re a perfect match on important issues, he and I, and all the pain and frustration is worth it in my opinion. We know the truth of who we are based on how much time and effort we talk. I think in the past 5 months we’ve talked about 10x more than my friends who have local relationships.

      Trying to come up with dates can be somewhat problematic, but we work with it. We date all the time, having our Skype and messenger chats. Sharing food, talking about or showing the action, is what we do. It’s a six hour difference, so our meals aren’t quite synced up but he’ll snack when I’m eating dinner. And we don’t Skype too much because Comcast yelled at us for using well under the allotted, so we have to piggyback off my cheap T-Mobile plan occasionally. But it works. Because I love him and I’m in love with him.

      • I’m so glad both my fiance and I have unlimitted internet – so we never have to worry about calls being cut off.

        It’s interesting about the “talking more during an LDR than most other relationships” aspect – I’ve noticed that too. We talk much more during our LDR parts than when we both live in the same apartment. I think being in an LDR strengthened my relationship in a lot of ways.

        • (…same person, just set up a blog.)

          I wish we could have unlimited. Comcast screamed because I used like 30GB a month on Skype…but well, well under the 200 at 62. And poor BFG (Big Friendly German) has like the worst wifi/set up in his little podunk town. I’m at least directly plugged into DSL. It makes face time…interesting when you have to recall like 3 times in a marathony 4 hour session.

          BFG and I talk way, way more than anyone else. I’ll be in the middle of doing homework while chatting. One thing we do to communicate is letting him check over my papers/homework. It gives him a clue on what I’m studying and will study in grad school. He hasn’t gone to college, but he’s a self-educated on many important topics that I talk about. Opens communication.

          • I tend to thing that self-educated people are the best to chat with/date. Many of my friends in college (or who have graduated) tend to base their intelligence based on their GPA/degree – and while those are typically good measures, they often gauge how well one can study for a test, rather than how much they know/if they know how to use it.

            I wish there was a GED equivalent of a college education.
            I like your blog name, by the way. That’s cute.

            Thankfully in Japan nearly every internet provider is unlimited (which is more expensive, but I don’t have to worry about a monthly allowance)

          • I hate the whole “based on GPA.” That’s how to cram for a test, not what you know. And he has severe issues about the lack of finishing German high school. Personally, I think he’s more intelligent than me in many ways. A college GED would be great. And a better system for him to get his HS version first. He’d definitely excel.

            Thanks for the blog name. I was like “..yep, this is so us.” I keep getting the “…why Germany?” and my “because that’s where he’s from” seems to confuse the questioner.

            I wish we had that stateside. Especially since I’m limited to Comcast or AT&T. I miss Skyping all the time. We’ve fallen asleep for hours together. I love watching him; sleeping completely peaceful and happy, for him to wake up, whisper “I love you” and fall right back to sleep.

          • Hahahaha. I’ve never been able to fall asleep during skype, but I have tons of friends who fall asleep with their SO every night on Skype. I think that’s kind of cute.

            My mom’s a college professor (and I just graduated from college yesterday) – and we both see a sort of “flaw” in the current system. When it works for you (like it did for me), it works GREAT, but when it doesn’t work for you (for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to a different skill set, test anxiety, financial problems, etc), it’s bad.
            For my entire college tenure I had it crammed into my head that unless I had a 3.75 GPA (or higher) I wouldn’t be able to get a job. Now that I’m out (with a good GPA), I wish I had spent my time more efficiently, picking up another internship or computer class instead of classes I would get a guaranteed A. Oh well.

          • It’s still date night, but he fell asleep, so I’m watching him now. First time in like a month. It’s such an amazing joy, watching my ginger German sleep. I’ll wake him up in about 10 minutes since I exhausted him earlier.

            I have 7 more classes until I get my undergrad. Internship and one lit class in the spring for English, the rest are interdisciplinary. I suck at tests, like math, which gives me serious anxiety. I’m good at liberal arts since I can BS. I can’t do that with math or science. I have a 3.3 and I’m okay with it. I did a lot of screwing up in my early 20s and my grades reflect that. I’m gonna try and catch an internship in the summer when I take two classes, or in the fall, if I can’t do grad school time lines until 2015. I used to worry so much for my GPA, but then I realized that other skills are important, too. Hence the interdisciplinary degree so I have a wide variety of skills (not just MLA, but APA and Chicago/Turabian), for jobs like tutor or something while I wait.

  51. Just randomly found your blog and I love it!! So honest and you say exactly what I would say to anyone in a LDR. I have been in one for over a year now with my partner (Australia and Egypt) and in hindsight I wish I had this to read a year ago :)

    • Thanks so much!
      Congrats on your long long-distance! That’s incredible :)

      I wish I had read more articles on maintaining an LRD when we first started. It would have helped so much…

  52. Great post! Have long have you and your partner been apart? I guess long-distance relationships do work, but two people need to want this :). There are certain types of men who will never want to Skype with their girlfriend or express their emotions via the Internet. You guys are my inspiration. Cooking, watching movies and eating together must be so much fun!

  53. Hey I just ran in to your blog from google!! this is very wonderful! i’m in the same situation. we broke up before i came to England though but still we still talk everyday and do the same, it’s just the label that his problem but that another story! we do skype every day and texting each other all day. it helps! I feel close to him and get to know him more than when i was in Thailand. I think when me and him in the same place we just take our time together for granted and don’t really talk about how we really feel :)

    • The label problem seems to always cause problems…
      I’m glad you get to talk to him every day (Skyping and texting helps so much). It’s always nice to hear “success” stories for long distance relationships.

  54. This is wonderful! :) Thank you for the great ideas. Another fun tip for Skype dates is to play games from elementary school days. My friend and I play niramekko, shiritori, etc. :) A question is how do you only Skype for 10-20 minutes each Skype session? My friend and I often Skype for 4+ hours at a time. That’s why we can only Skype once a week. :(

    • Hahahaha. I love playing shiritori on Skype :) It’s really fun! I haven’t done niramekko before – maybe next time!

      Actually, we have to Skype every day (sometimes twice a day) so that we DON’T have the 4+ hours of Skype. We usually do about 30 min in the morning and an hour in the evening – since we chat so much, we can keep our Skype dates short(ish). We’re both working and busy, so we only have an hour or two of “extra” time a day. It’s hard.
      If we haven’t Skyped in a day or so, we will usually be on for 2-3 hours. I loooooooooove long Skype dates!

      • Niramekko is a lot of fun! Except I’m terrible at it. 弱いですよ…

        That does sound terribly hard to find time to Skype everyday! I love having long Skype dates- our record is 6 hours straight (although 5 hour dates occur all the time) :P I think it would be a bit demanding (and I have no grounds) to ask him to Skype everyday… Especially if we’re not dating (although we seem like a couple haha). Maybe when we’re actually in a LDR I’ll bring it up. Any small advice? Please and thank you! <3

        • I mean 6 hour skype dates sound pretty serious :)
          It’s always hard to tell with couples. I have friends that are perfectly content Skyping for 1-2 hours, once a week. And then there’s people like you with your marathon Skypes~
          I just prefer a daily routine – since when I’m busy, Ryosuke is the only person I will talk to all day (while I’m holed up in the library studying).

          When is the next time you will see him? You can always be “friends” until you see each other, then take it to the next step!

          • You’re right, it does depend on the couple :) I wish it was a daily routine- I want to talk with him all the time! I’m content with weekly long Skype sessions if we’re only “friends”. I’m hoping I’ll be able to study abroad in Tokyo next school year, so I’ll see him again in just under a year! It’s a struggle of being “friends” and being “something” in the meantime. x_X Thanks! :)

          • I totally know what you mean. That’s hard. HOPEFULLY when you study abroad in Tokyo, you will be able to clarify what you mean to each other. That would be awesome :)
            I wish you the best!

  55. You’re lucky. You guys are young enough where you actually have such technology. When I was in college, we started with pagers. Then, cell phones became cheaper so it was possible to hear someone’s voice. But, they were still the size of a small book and there was no image or video on them. You guys have it so much easier than we did. Geez, I sound like an old man.

    • I can’t stress enough how lucky I am to be born in this day and age. When I hear my teachers or older friends talk about the days when they had to send letter and could only chat once a month over the phone – it makes me panic a little bit. Skype is my savior; I couldn’t do my long distance relationship without Skype.

      And, you know, in twenty years it will somehow be even easier. I can’t even imagine what will come next!

  56. Sarah Brand // 26 September, 2013 at 5:18 pm //

    Hi Grace! I’ve been reading all of your blog posts lately as you’ve been sharing them on Facebook, and they’re always such a joy to read. You’re a very engaging writer. :)

    A number of these points resonate with what I tried to do/had to do when I studied abroad in London, and my boyfriend was back at Ursinus. The five-hour time difference was less of a problem; I could usually talk to him when I got home from work or classes, and if he stayed up later, we could chat when I got up in the mornings before work or classes. Skyping twice a day was tough for us, considering that unless someone holed up in one of the bathrooms, we had a max of 4 rooms in the flat with 5 girls, but we did as often as we could, and substituted with IM in between. It was good to read your tips. ^_^

    • Thanks so much for your message :)
      I’m glad you liked it!

      I’ve been lucky enough to have a single room both at Ursinus and while abroad – so we were able to skype MUCH more than if we had roommates… Not to mention 5 roommates. Ouch. Kudos for you for making it work during Study Abroad!
      I thinks it’s hard to do a relationship while abroad. On one hand, you want to soak up the local culture and enjoy your trip – but on the other hand you want to hurry home so you can see your significant other again…

  57. Ryosuke and you are such an inspiration! (Not to mention such an adorable couple too!!!!! ^^)
    Only recently did I come across your blog, but I’ve almost read every post you’ve written and love it! You are very talented at writing…you’re definitely my favourite blogger!! (haha)

    I’m also currently in a long distance relationship with my (Japanese) boyfriend and I can relate to your situation. It’s tough, but nothing is more rewarding.
    Hehe, well please continue to make lots of posts, I look forward to it.♡

    • Awwww, thank you so much! That means a lot to me :)
      Oh my gosh, every post? Wow. I feel so flattered. This is awesome. You totally made my day!

      I wish you all the best in your long distance relationship. They are really hard – but totally worth it. I’m sure you and your boyfriend will make it, though (when is the next time you see him?).

      • Aww no, thank YOU for writing such awesome blog posts! XD
        Thank-you! We will try our best♡
        He came to visit me in Australia last month and I’ll be going to Kyoto this January/February to meet him. I’m so excited.. and I know you understand/share this same feeling! :)

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