The Hardest Part of a Long-Distance Relationship: 12 steps for making it work

Six months after my then-boyfriend and I became “Facebook Official,” he was on a flight back to Japan. I’m American; he’s Japense. While he was studying abroad in America we met and fell in love… only to have my heart ripped out when he returned home.

We’re married now – happily living in Japan. But before we said “I do,” we had almost two years of long distance, trying desperately to make it work. Long distance isn’t easy… but it is doable.

Wedding Ursinus College Grace and Ryosuke amwf wedding amww couple

For couples “new” to the whole long distance relationship thing, I highly recommend Chris Bell’s Book: The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide

Or, of course, my own book (written right after my husband and I moved to Tokyo and our LDR ended) My Japanese Husband Thinks I’m Crazy: The Comic Book

Anyways, back to my story.

Two months after my future husband (but then-boyfriend) returned to Japan, I did what any love-struck college student would do. I followed him to Japan, doing a year study abroad in Japan. But, as luck would have it, I ended up at a school 10.5 hours away, by an overnight bus. For the next fourteen months, we did a long-distance relationship.

Let me just get this out: Long distance relationships (LDRS) suck. There is no way around that.

We were in the same time zone, but 10.5 hours away by bus (more, if there was traffic). It was hard. I’m not going to lie, the first couple weeks, I sat in my apartment wondering how this was going to work out.

29 ldr looks like amwf comic cartoon ldr long distance relationship

But it did work out. Nearly a year and a half after we began our long-distance relationship, we both said “I do” at a small ceremony in Texas and moved to a tiny apartment in Japan together. We’re happily married now – and my husband (silly as he is) claims that while our Long Distance relationship was hard, it made our relationship even stronger.

“Regular dating” in no way, shape, or form prepares you for a long distance relationship. It is a completely different game. In fact, when most people ask for long distance relationship advice, I tell them “don’t do it.” It takes a very specific person to make long-distance work.

But if you are reading this, you probably want to go ahead with your long-distance relationship. After all, no one actively decides “hey, seeing my significant other every day is overrated. I’m going to move across the country just because.” Long distance isn’t a chosen path, it is usually thrust upon you with the break up or do long distance choices.

Most people choose to do long distance.

And as hard as long distance is, it works just as long as both parties would rather be in a long-distance (albeit a crappy one, with scarce communication and trust issues) than broken up.

Inner racial, innerracial Japanese American couple

The hardest part(s) of a long-distance relationship:

1. Trust

Relationships are nothing without trust. Long distance relationships require even more trust than a regular relationships. When you see each other several times a day, you know what they are up to. With long distance relationships, that knowing is gone. Between the phone calls, Skype calls, and text messages – you have absolutely no way of knowing what they are doing. 

[For more, check out: The Four Stages of Long Distance- Surviving the Separation]

This is where trust comes in.

You have to trust they won’t cheat. You have to trust they won’t flirt. You have to trust they will tell you if their affections are wavering or if they are tired of the relationship. There are certain physical cues that phone and Skype calls just cannot convey.

The only way to make a long distance relationship work is with trust. 

Inner racial, innerracial Japanese American couple

2. Dealing with jealousy.

Absence makes the heart grow stronger (or so they say). But I also think absence makes the heart go wander (clever, I know).

I’m not saying this jealousy is un-justified. I’ve noticed about 1/3 of the time it is justified, and the other 2/3 is just crazy talk. During one particularly low point in our long-distance, Ryosuke forgot to log out of Facebook on my computer and I read through all of his private messages.

I’m not proud of it. I told him a couple months later – and he thought it was hilarious. I didn’t find any dirt. To be honest, I didn’t expect to find any dirt…. it’s just that distance makes people do crazy things.

No honey! Come back! Let me love you!

No honey! Come back! Let me love you!

Dealing with jealousy in a long distance relationship is one of the hardest things to do. It is different than trust. You can trust your significant other not to cheat on you as much as you trust the sun to rise each day, but if you see a picture of them at a party with a hot blonde on their arm, jealousy is going to rear it’s ugly head.

You need to have enough sense to know when the jealousy is just silly (and should be ignored) or whenever it is completely justified (and should be addressed).

3. Lack of Physical Contact

I’m a hugger. I’m a snuggler. I love holding hands and leaning on my fiances shoulder on long bus rides. I love slow-dancing with him in the kitchen after dinner and I love curling up together to watch TV.

When we are apart, I lose that sense of touch. And I need that sense of touch.

To me, more than the jealousy and trust, the lack of physical contact is the hardest aspect of a long distance relationship. Don’t even get me started on the lack of sexual contact.


All I’m saying, is that when you enter a long distance relationship, you need to realize that you are essentially setting yourself up for a celibate life with no hugging and snuggling. This gets hard when you go to a party, meet up with friends, or end up at a concert where an attractive brunette locks their hand in yours or pulls you in for a hug.

You whole body is screaming out “FINALLY” while your mind is churning out in the background “But what about your boyfriend…?” Which are you going to listen to? Do you have the willpower to purposefully make yourself miserable and craving – all in the name of love?

[side note: I have several friends in successful and long term long-distance relationships that have “friends with benefits” at their school. I could never buy into that idea. However, I know couples that say ‘kissing doesn’t count as cheating’ or ‘my boyfriend can have sex with whoever he wants, just as long as he stays emotionally faithful to me.’ Each couple has a unique way to make it work.]

4. Sleeping alone

I hate sleeping alone. That cold, empty bed is the most obvious (and aching) sign of the distance. When you roll over in the middle of the night, hoping to find something to snuggle with, and only find an empty bed, your heart will hurt.

It’s a couple set – and we still use them today (even though we’re married and living together, which is kind of silly)

interracial couple japanese man american woman beach tokyo Japan

You need to get used to sleeping alone. I made a body pillow with one of Ryosuke’s shirts, just because I’m weird and clingy like that. It helps a lot.

5. They can’t be there for you when you need it

This is one of the hardest parts of a long distance relationship. Over the last year and a half of long distance, I’ve had a couple breakdowns. One of them was in the wake of a family accident, another was when I got stranded at the train station with no money and no way to get back home, another was when my bike got sideswiped by a car.

Ryosuke was in class both times. I called furiously, crying, and wasn’t able to reach him. And even when I was able to reach him, he could only comfort me with words. Words only go so far.

When you are in a relationship, you will need your significant other there when you fail a class, get in an accident, have a family crisis, or just a ‘normal’ mental breakdown. You long-distance boyfriend or girlfriend won’t be able to hold your hand when you’re sick, hug you when you’re crying, or take you to the hospital after an accident.

The last morning, after 48 hour of treatment.

It’s hard. I need Ryosuke to be there physically – but he can’t.

6. That nagging feeling “What if I’m wasting my time? What if after a year and a half of long distance, they suddenly cheat on me or find someone else? I’ve just wasted 6 months of my life (and turned down multiple dates) for someone who might not be as committed…”

I’ve had friends who have done long distance for two years, then suddenly break up. I’ve had friends who have only done long distance for a couple months, but during the long-distance they give up opportunities so they can stay together. Then they break up.

Japanese couple on the beach

I had a friend who was dating her boyfriend from back home. Another guy at school asked her on a date; she turned him down. A couple months later, her boyfriend dumped her. She went back to the first guy (apparently she really liked him) – but he was with someone else now. That was a year and a half ago. She missed her shot.

I had friends who gave up their top choice of school because it was out of the country; they gave up internship opportunities because they wanted to go home during summer break and see their girlfriend.

Relationships require sacrifice. There is nothing wrong with giving up opportunities for your significant other. However, you need to figure out when it is “worth it” and when it is not. 

7. Making time to Skype every day

We Skype every day for at least two hours. It’s hard. It really is. But it keeps our long distance relationship going strong.

[For more, check out: Don’t Blame the Distance – 6 Tips for Skyping During a Long Distance Relationship]

Skyping with his niece and my sister's dog

Skyping with his niece and my sister’s dog

8. Voicing out your fears and listening to your partner

You can’t be afraid to voice your fears to your significant other. If you are jealous or worried, you need to be able to tell them that. And then need to be able to support you.

Pouring your heart out over the phone isn’t easy. It is awkward, uncomfortable, and difficult for both parties. However, if you can’t trust/respect them enough to give it to them straight, why are you in a long distance relationship? It’s only going to get worse.

Skyping Japan Skype during Long distance relationship

9. The cost of the long – distance relationship

I’m not talking about the mental cost, I’m talking about the simple monetary cost of a long distance relationship. Plane tickets, snail mail, surprise presents, hotel rooms, vacations, and bus tickets cost money. Without money, you can’t do a successful long distance relationship. Even if you Skype two hours a day, send each other snail mail letters every week, and watch movies together once a month – you need physical contact.

You need to be able to see them on a fairly regular basis. It gives you something to look forward to. But this costs money.

The "Save the Date" picture-art I drew for my wedding

The “Save the Date” picture-art I drew for my wedding

10. Going to parties alone

I stopped going to parties a couple months into our long-distance relationship. It wasn’t an issue of trust – he trusted me, he just didn’t like me going. To me, it wasn’t worth the hassle.

Going to parties alone (even with a group of friends) means you are going to be hit on, you will end up dancing alone, and you will miss your significant other even more.

11. Spending your time alone

I get lonely. Long distance relationships are lonely. You can’t fill up your schedule too much because you still need to be there for your significant other.

Spending too much time with you friends (especially of the opposite sex) can easily lead to jealousy and trust issues. You need to make sure your significant other knows they are your number one priority.

Skyping Japan Skype during Long distance relationship

Unfortunately, this means lots of alone time. Going to parties alone, eating dinner alone, watching movies alone, and going on mini-trips alone.

12. Arguments and Miscommunication

As I mentioned before, Skype and phone calls cannot compare to the “real deal.” Each ends up missing subtle, but important physical cues.

All relationships are hard – but long distance relationships have a whole other dimension to them. You need to learn how to productively argue via Skype without yelling over each other because jealousy, trust issues, insecurities, and not being able to see each other every day will lead to arguments (I mean, more arguments than a normal relationship).

Seijinshiki photos of a foreigner (Coming of Age Ceremony)


[Add me on Google Plus: +Grace Buchele]

About Grace Buchele Mineta

I got into the writing business by accident. Now I live in the countryside near Tokyo with my husband, Ryosuke, where I draw comics, blog, and make videos about our daily life. Contact: Website | More Posts

348 Comments on The Hardest Part of a Long-Distance Relationship: 12 steps for making it work

  1. William in DC // 20 April, 2016 at 5:48 am //

    You will certainly disagree which I fully respect but better advice than “trusting they won’t flirt” is to just not worry about it. It sounds morbid, and dismissive but it’s based on human nature and how people even well meaning people ACTUALLY ARE (as opposed to what they *say* they are).

    I’ve been in situations where I admited “feelings were wavering” even though it was just fleeting, and it didn’t do anyone any good.

    I think you still need to be discerning. And at the end of the day just continue to let the other one know that they are part of your lives. I feel TMI can be counterproductive sometimes.

    On the issue of not going to parties for me, it’s fine if it’s voluntary, but not acceptable for me to have that much control over one of my significant others. Again, goes to ones view of relationships including marriage. Others feel it means you essentially become one person. Others allow for independence, and maintaining individuality.

    But otherwise, nice post and I like that you said what you feel without getting all judgmental and moralistic about it.


  2. I foudn your channel on youtube as I follow a few youtubers in Japan. I love it! I am in a LDR nearly 2 years in. We have been VERY lucky. I am in England and he is in The Netherlands. See each other every month and last year he was over for 6 months for his internship in London. It was a dream! Now he is back again for studying in Southampton and staying for another 6 months. He graduates next year so its not long at all until the gap is closed and he moves here (I have a daughter so can not move to his country even though I would LOVE to!)

    Keep up the great blog and videos :)

  3. omg.. just as i in this LDR for a month now..hes from Ohio, Cincinnati im from the Philippines. Its my first time to be in an LDR and yes.. i have to say LDR sucks!and I LOVE HIM:) much.. Hmm i trust him that he wont cheat, i guess its just scared that one day hell say he wants to give up.. Super thanks for this article!!

  4. Hi, I’m Anna. Me and my boyfriend met online through another friend of ours. We’ve never met in person and we have talked about it but money is an issue. We’ve been dating since June 1, 2015. And it’s been 8 months. I really like this. We Skype almost every day (and during school. . Shhhh.) and do all kinds of things together, like watch movies, play games and sometimes I watch him make his games. I always feel the sadness of that person not being physically there and I’ve learned to not let that bring me down. I’ve never been so happy in my life. It’s like loving your best friend. I may come back to this from time to time to re-read and make sure that I’m in the right mindset.

    • Just a girl // 10 June, 2016 at 11:50 am //

      Hey, Anna! Your story sounds just like mine! I have some hard times though and often cry because I’m scared to lose him. I’m scared that he meets someone else better than me that he can see everyday. I hope you’ll see my message. I’d like to get some news about your relationship and how it’s going. It’s been a year for you now and I want to know if you met him yet.

      • Just a girl // 10 June, 2016 at 11:55 am //

        Oh and also just so you know that it’s been 6 months and I never met my boyfriend yet. It’s difficult because we live in 2 different countries and I don’t even have a passport! I speak French and he doesn’t so he doesn’t really want to come here even though it’s the only way we could meet…

  5. Weve been talking for a year now and have been together for a month and 2 weeks. We mutually understand each other and we are falling inlove everyday, though whats hard for me right now is the fact that his dad tried to hook him up with someone else or would tease him to another girl even though he knows we are together[my bf was the one who told me this]. This makes me insecure, really insecure. His dad was the one who told him to try online dating where my bf and i met. we are of different cultures. I know he loves his dad very much and his opinions matter to him. This what puts me on edge. I trust my bf with my everything because he’s one of the best person anyone could know in life but im afraid of the things his father might think and say to him and this what worries me.

  6. Thts great and really helpful… As m going through the same..gud luck in ur life both of u :)

  7. Happy for you and agreeing with the content of this blog post.
    I myself am struggling with the emotional aspects of an almost 8 year long LDR that is currently quickly dissolving. I feel like I am falling down a bottomless pit. It’s impossible to see any way to make it work if your partner can’t be convinced and is losing all resolve.

    My advice is to not refrain from talking early on about the possibilities and hurdles of getting together for real, about moving to another persons country and working there, about committing to the relationship and taking it one step further. Basically think about where you want your relationship to go and talk with your partner about it, as openly as possible. An LDR makes this harder, but also more important.

    I believe now that my and my partner danced for several years around the topic of getting together and marrying with vague statements and both did not realize that she/I did the very same, all the while waiting for a notable response to a vague statement. Kind of silly and childish, isn’t it?

    I still am convinced that we could make it work, but she is now at a point where she doesn’t believe that she could live in my country/leave her country for a longer time and she also doesn’t think that I could get a sufficiently paying job in her country as a foreigner. She’s from Japan and I am from Germany.

  8. Long distance relationships are hard, but there harder when your still young. I met my boyfriend at my high school. We had a lot of the same friends so we started hanging out, but after a while I fell in love with him. I was too scared to say anything so I didn’t and it didn’t help that my friend also liked him, but one day after lunch he handed me a note and left. I opened it and read it. It said if life was supposed to be easy I wouldn’t be sitting here trying to figure out ways to get you to fall in love with me. So after school we talked, but nothing romantic happened since we were both very awkward shy teens. We just stayed friends that really liked each other, but then everything changed when he told me he was moving. I tried to stay in contact, but couldn’t since I didn’t have his new phone number. I was so sad and hurt. For two years we didn’t speak, but one day I couldn’t take it. I got on Facebook and found him. I told him how I felt. After a few days I got a message and he said he still loved me too. So we started dating in January we’ve been dating for almost a year, but it’s hard we are 3 hours away from each other and we are only 18. We both don’t have a car or a license yet because of a few things. So if I’m lucky I only get to see him once a month and that’s only because his step dad has a job close to here and his grandma lives here also.

    • Maddy Joseph // 15 March, 2016 at 10:02 pm //

      I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’m 18 as well and fell in love with my high school sweetheart. He’s two years older than me and we met through mutual friends (we have the same group of friends now). In my last year of high school, I finally was introduced to him and we only saw each other whenever our group of friends would hang out. He said he always considered me his girlfriend (which I didn’t know at the time) and I knew that I always had a crush on him that would never go away, no matter how hard I tried. So I finally mustered up the courage to ask him out to prom (because I was at an all girls school at the time) and he agreed and I knew that was the night we truly fell in love with each other. After that night, we started talking more and more until eventually he finally told me how he felt. Unfortunately, he told me all of this after I made my decision to go away for college (3 and a half hours away, in fact). I was so scared of being in a LSR with him, but he fully agreed to it, and we’re still together.

      I have full confidence that we’ll always be together, but what I don’t like is that my college is definitely a party school. I wanna go out to parties but I always feel guilty and lonely. Not necessarily because my boyfriend has prevented me from going to parties, but mostly because I hate getting hit on by other guys. And quite honestly, the first time I ever had fun at a party was with him. These parties here can’t compare. There’s also the fact that, I know he doesn’t like it when I go with out him. It’s not like he’s over controlling about it, but he’s just uncomfortable (and rightfully so) about leaving me in a room full of guys and girls ready to cut loose any way they can.
      I guess, I’m just feeling a little pressured to go to them and I had to express myself. I’m not much of a party person either, But college is stressful and I’d like to hang out with my friends for a night.

      • Catherine // 4 May, 2016 at 4:56 pm //

        I totally get where you’re coming from. My boyfriend and I go to the same college (thankfully that’s how we met), but we live 8 hrs apart during breaks, so I get the LDR and loneliness of trying to have fun without them physically present. But partying won’t help. My school is a huge party school (Ohio University) and I’ve tried a couple times to cut loose and enjoy myself. Let me tell you, if partying is not your thing, DON’T do it as a way to relax. Find some calming place to go with your friends. Go for a hike. See a movie. Go out to dinner. Partying is not only dominated by horny teens needing liquid courage to talk to one another, but dangerous for the survival of your LDR (not to mention your general safety and education, but that’s beside the point). My roommate and her boyfriend broke up for a few months because of the partying. It made him not trust her and made her realize how lonely she was in their LDR. Find other alternatives (literally anything other than a party) to relax and have fun. I personally love exploring the outdoors and going to little shops around town and stuff sponsored by the University. It’s a great way to get involved and unwind without putting your relationship at risk. Besides, if you’re not a partier, the parties will just annoy you and bring you down, trust me.

  9. Anonymous // 26 October, 2015 at 1:56 am //

    You have no idea how much this helped me this morning :)

  10. William Mc // 21 October, 2015 at 10:46 pm //

    Ok I need to expand. I was in the Army and my wife was in Canada and 14 years older then me. Also with 2 daughters. Also I was 19 and hot as The Iraq days are long and that wasn’t the only long part of it giggity…if she was alive and survived cancer she would agree and laugh. Anyways that distance from Germany to Canada lets save the 3000 miles she was east coast but the thing about ldr…she could be 1 mile away what would be the difference if you could not touch and if you can cam and talk and then wait to spend alot of money… luckily army tickets were 200 bucks for me to Canada the long time no see sex was easily worth the 6 to 9 months apart. We were already super sexual before I left…one time in Houston it rained and couldn’t go to Astroworld…got a fancy hotel and didn’t leave…she counted 17 times that day…pushing rope at the end but still. Army life and I don’t mean to discredit this story at all…but I’ve seen alot bad relationships go to divorce or jail because both parties either f ed around when deployed or blew the poor guys bank account before he got home to find out that one timaate with that private he had sex with on duty in Iraq got to his friend who used that to bang his wife and get her a divorce. Oh my MOS or job to civilians was a Chaplain Assistant. I worked with the best most educated men and women who some were assholes amd bigots and racists and didnt like so and so beleifs but kissed his ass like Boss Hog to a wealthy Oilman interested in laying down money on land Boss Hog owned until those duke boys got involved lol true episode and really the way some men of god acted. But there was one I would take a bullet for. If you have time to fly to Ft Hood and see a retired Chaplain for any advice…he will set aside Colonels and Generals to see you at Family Center. He was there for both tragedies and I called him both times. He said he was counseling the counselors. He is a Baptist but if he was a Jedi he would be Yoda. So with LDR between wives and men who did alot of killing or surviving…two weeks of quarantine and spending it with a wife who wiped your 40G tax free or banged a few guys and put it on revenge porn….This is what we called deescalating an angry war time soldier from coming home and murdering his wife children and friend…because as u know that happens. Oh the good news there are laws that will not make cheating worth it on both sides. That includes all parties. Because if I was near a guy who f ed the man who watched my back during war and even saved me and come back to work next to the man who f ed because that word is suitable because made love to or laid with stays with the faithful and I worked in a office or target range…I might have to handle it privatly so my brother doesnt go to jail…just saying it has happened and if your the Jody messing with wives or girlfriends…there is no sympathy for you. Your alone and might even be dead or in jail for adultery or both. Anyways that doesn’t include the fear the media gives the perfect celibate financial stable couple…now straight or gay because yes it existed and I didn’t care…now they watch beheadings, ieds killing men and women, caskets with flags the funerals and now the injured and PTSD who come home for a year free pay and all for there children to work out why dad or mom screams at night or why there arms or legs are plastic or why a wife can’t get close to intimacy because all he has done is survive kill or watch those friends die. Make no mistake and I’m sorry for this long post but Military life and coming back and LDRs are the hardest in the career fields. You don’t get to quit or go home because your friend died next to you and you won’t tell her these things on Skype and will tell her to watch Dora instead of CNNs report on how many wives and husbands boyfriend’s or girlfriends sons or daughters died because CNN wants ratings not memories because name 5 soldiers you remembered when they post the losses like this is some Olympic game. Don’t worry if you don’t there families or friends will never forget. Nor will there Companies or Commanders or Chaplains who bear the news. Where I was at I stopped counting at 77 because my wife asked me what did you do today. I said we did a memorial service…not a funeral….for the 77th man killed in the surrounding unit. She cried because she knew he had family and children like us but never new him or his own. Because we lived 3000 miles away. I never deployed to combat but I think it was my families and even friends lol one whose an atheist never wanted me near battle because as they said…you signed your life to protect those around you…like you do for us blindly at a moment’s notice if asked. I saw enough and I help soldiers and my friend who went and is 100 percent. I didnt need to go to war to Iocksee why it both needs to be fought and find peace. When I was in Bootcamp I cried and missed her but she sent 9 letters a week with ruby red lipstick and channel no 5 that made the bag and everyone’s letters smell too. People saw though my smile and the way I got pumped up. My DSI actually stopped and one time counted all my letters and I did ten pushup for each one. Just me. I said my wife will appreciate how ripped I will be when she sees me alone for two days. He smiled and sighed…I think the letters will sum your two days up as to what will occur. She once sent poloroids of the banned kind and another DI caught it and looked to make sure what he was looking at and said Is this your wife PFC Mc…I was scared…this was Article 15 stuff. I said yes as long as the Army continues paying me and I stay out of trouble she will be my wife. The DI was the biggest and named something in Polish..looked like the Baliff from night court bald and scarier and taller…easily state trooper type. He put the pictured upside down in the 50 to sixty letters I had accumulated and said well that’s good to hear she has you in order…how…old is she? 39 Drill Sgt (there were no face pics to determine age ahem)! And you? 19 Drill Sgt! Wow…My wife’s 45…How’d u meet? Online she was in Canada and I was in Texas Drill Sgt. We met 30 days later. Do y’all have children? She has two daughters or we have two daughters. I’m a step parent. The Drill Instructor smiled and said you were meant for army life. You already have a ready made family and will continue doing so. Your one of a kind PFC Mc…keep those close…the pictures as well as the family. Two weeks left PFC Mc…go to the bathroom with your scissors for threading and make sure they are never seen by anyone but us. If The head drill instructor caught u with those he will put u in front of the 1Sgt who will be looking at those pics. You ran this far and worked for her. You will see her again…more then those pics will ever do. Will do Drill Sgt. As he walked away he was like 39? Yes Drill Sgt…she looks good for having two kids. Thankyou Drill Sgt…how many children do you have Drill Sgt? He thought…Let’s just say I should have stopped at two but got to six. I stupidly said…My mom had six of us…shes 50 though. He looked at me to see if I was being smart or stupidly honest. I caught myself and spoke quickly. Like my dad God rest his soul he loved my mom and worked hard for us. After he passed from Cancer the six of us were closer and made sure we stayed out of trouble. I lost him at 11 and she remarried to a man who respects her. He has 6 grown up reasons to do so. But he has honored her and he has taught to accept family even if there not your blood. Love the woman and respect her children. My respect as a smmm tep dad is the same to our daughters. My wife loves me but if I ever slapped her or hurt her daughters lets just say Canada’s big and she owns a chainsaw and has a degree in forestry. Her sisters also a cop. But I have 3 sisters and a mother who wouldn’t send a search party for me if they new I was an abuser of a mother and especially children. I know how to treat a woman and let her know my love. Your a dad Drill Sgt and your children are among the honored to have you do what you do. As does your spouse. He pulled out his wallet as it was casual time on a sunday. He showed me his wife who if you’ve only seen your own woman another dudes wife especially an older woman tends to take away motherhood or age and replace it with a 19 year old guy foolishly grinning a grin like that of a teenager seeing his first playboy. I asked the cliche question that you rarely ask…especially in this circumstance…permission to speak freely Drill Sgt? He waited and just nodded. If she has 6 children then my mom must be hiding 6 more some were in some other state. He took the complement and smiled…first smile I saw on the guy who scared the hell out of me with just a green hat blue eyed steel stare and a voice that would wake Odin from Odinsleep. He began to walk away and turned and got so close I was bent back not to touch his hat and said oh for what was found 80 pushups then it goes in the toilet shred it well so it doesnt clog and come back up and have a Drill Instructor volunteer some pfc who I know will be you or even worse the Drill Instructor puts it back together and plays the guessing game of who these three poloroids belong to. Minus 20 for showing me if a 19 year old can grin from seeing my wife…then 6 was the right amount. Dismissed PFC Mc. Easiest 80 I did because no husband should be reminded by a 19 year old and part of it was guilt because I shouldn’t have grinned. But to be honest when I told my wife that story she was cracking up. She understood it wasn’t his wife that made me fully grin…when you have true love it will never compete with another dudes wife. I paid him respect because yes she was beautiful…but for two days after release to family time…neither pictures ever crossed my mind. Just a blondebhaired blue eyed long legged big breast Foreign Canadian wearing no bra or pantiespo and a skirt a torn blouse after we finished. She laughed at how neat and slowly I took my uniform off before I…well two days and a 19 year old man who passed his PT score with highmarks and a woman who read the steamy letters her husband wrote who he still has next to her ashes. Yeah and that was year 1 out of 9 amazing years of long distance in the beginning and finally more time together that only made our imaginations for new things that would make her laugh at the book 50 shades of…that was a long weekend for us. Then cancer…no more distance. 2009 I lost her. We lived with no regrets. So should whoever read this. It will work our ancestors went to WW2 and were gone 3 years and returned with children grown and wives waiting and no new 3 year olds. Why because all the men were gone. The good ones at least. I hope this inspired you and all of it is true. As much as I mourn her…I can’t change the times we had. There was yelling and fighting and divorce this and that. Then an hour or three later either I fixed what I did wrong or she did then we…made up…like awesome make up sex. If your clever with little ones old enough to be alone but smart enough to know what those noises are…go for a drive or some woods with blankets. But spend what time you have as if it will be your last because kids one day it will whether it’s you or her but I was lucky…I got to see her go at 9:11pm no joke. The number or date of attck that got me mad and in the Army to go kill showed me more love since April 26 2002 when we met online. Then four hours layer I aske her to marry me sight unseen. 3 things she lied about and told me.3 days later in tears. She had two daughters not nieces. She was 39 not 30. And she was currently married going through a divorce to a man she said was only a friend and not like me…she wanted children who were 6 and 10 now. But I understood…my family 6 you know…we’re split. My friends same. But my mom said…if you leave her now…then did you really love her. You have no money and you medical has kept u from the army. What do u have to offer her? My life and my love to change hers. My mom said go and later we go shopping and I will get to know this woman you convinced to fly 1600 miles and risk her looking bad in court during the divorce. Oh my mom and her and my sisters all hit it off. Then we met and wow it was true love to the first kiss both of us with a pack of gum in our mouths and we kissed against a car I thought was mine but was the exact color. Well it was my mom’s Suburban she leant me. But then my friends got us a good deal at a top hotel in Houston like 50 bucks for a 500 dollar room…no one had used it that week. But then camped on the beach and she saw when someone was breaking in cars how with two knives before military mind you I waited in front of the shotty hotel door and she knew she was safe even though she was packing up wanting to get the fuck out of a Galveston island hotel. We did I drove her to were I lived and found better accomadations. Then we got an apartment I worked while I waited for the Army a few months since arrived her husband actually got to be a dad for once. She said she missed her daughters and I said the Army will call me when I’m ready. Literally two weeks we got there…hey get back to Houston and sign up or you will have wasted a year getting in. We cried but she was safe with her daughters and happy. I spent 2 years and all my leave days with them in Canada while serving in Germany and my computer with a black light would have burst in flames lol. But we made it work not to mention some of my leadership saying it won’t last or you won’t be a Canadian Citizen while in or you need to find someone younger or you will cheat…you can’t do long distance you don’t make enough as an E4 married. Or she will cheat or when you get home and actually stay longer then 6 months it wont….Oh shut the fuck up! I said that to my NCO. E7. He made me push and brought in my chaplain. My Chaplain Colonel…asked what was going on because when u hear oh STF up in a church…well it gets your holy undivided attention. As I was pushing I was counting but speaking. ONE I will never cheat on her. TWO I WONT HEAR ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR OPINIONS ABOUT MY MARRIAGE SFC. Three I will die for her. FOUR The Army Values I will follow to there Corp because they will keep me steady in my duties to my wife. This country and my Honor. I Stood crying from anger by then the SFC new he was wrong. He also new I was 30 years younger and really strong and really mad. As well as on edge from getting ready to deploy because some girl intentionally said to me that she got pregnant so she wouldn’t have to go to that hot ass country and get nasty and do PT in the heat. She was smart enough to say it to me but dumb enough to realize she was right…she wasn’t going to Iraq but she also was single and couldnt name her baby daddy so the Army discharged her for not having someone to look out for her child when or if she deployed. So yeah I had 2 years of this crap and my wife hears I’m deploying with 1st ID…alot of guys ramped out with flags coming back. It was every were on the news…Canadian soldiers as well died. I met some and as funny as they were they were fucking good. So this Chaplain who didn’t really know much of either of us because he was visiting but wore a full bird so that demanded respect from both E7 and E4. Chaplains don’t make Colonel without being good or really smart at how to solve problems. He also new my story and my situation of dealing with to be fair an NCO E7 who wanted me to be ready and know that what he said will be thought when u can’t go home on leave for a year or 18 months. But I knew that and was ready. They had webcam and mail and flat screen tv’s to see and talk to your spouses…he’ll yes…My wife on a 55 inch plasma screen. And me with a plywood door and keeping the world and Jesus out lol. But he wasn’t saying I need to prepare for seperation…he was telling me what future old guys says in the Army have said…basically it won’t last. Maybe when I was bullied in school it was easy to fight back because it was just me and to the principal you go. But this man had questioned and bulliedhis way or tried to bully into a love he had no inkling how powerfully cosmic it was meant to be. He was a novice when coming at me with his words like the devil spewing poison in my ears for doubt…but my wife poured enough honey to keep it from taking effect. It hurt but didnt catch because If I punched him out…I would have beleived what he was saying. This fools words would have held power and truth. My anger was there but I wasnt going to let it stop nor back down. If I was in the 60s and she was black it was like that. You will be scorned or mocked…but you know the ones scorning seem to hold power and yes even chaplains gave wisdom or albeit Dick isdom. But the ones who weren’t both officer and NCO and better yet E4 and below were impressed at meeting her as she was young at heart. Beautiful thoughtful and kind to every young or old black or white and she even studied the ranks from a E4 and above to officers. Her father was in the British army and fought in Africa. She wanted the army life but a house in Canada. She got both because that’s what she wanted. So back to a confused Colonel who was looking at a red faced deep breathing 20 year old man with mad dog eyes and tears and spit down his face. The Colonel new I wasn’t winded from the punishment but from a conversation that lasted four pushups and I stood when he walked in as you are suppose to do when an officer walks in and I yelled attention. He waved at me seeing I was not there. AT EASE…SFC blah blah leave us please. The E7 left and the chaplain…notice how I didn’t say colonel…pulled out two folding chairs and asked me to sit. I was seething and didn’t care what was to come. But then he handed me a Styrofoam cup with ice water. He told me to Cool off take your top off. He turned on church fans and sat. He told me he didnt hear what my NCO said about my wife but he heard me say STF up to a NCO with rank and kids as old as me. He did hear the count and once he new our story…the age…the citizenship…the long distance we had and in the future will deal with until me not knowing of course was cancer and that was the longest time I ever stayed at her side and with in miles of her. We had 2 years before as I was a trucker and but first wanted a year just her and our girls unable to pay 3200 bucks for landed immigrant status but I was a reservist for 3 more years and claiming 400 a week for unemployment the Army said you’ve earned it. So I did. If youve been to Buffalo you will understand why I didnt want to find work there…i went to trucking school instead. But it wasn’t there when she was dying or when she found a lump at stage 3c melanoma. I was driving and when I felt it I quit that job after spending 12 weeks paying for school and dealing with trash and two companies who treated you like a robot. But her friend…her Ex who kept sending alimony and child support when the children were with him. Our Canadian neighbors who bought food and started charity and raised 3400 dollars in a day. A Hells Angels biker neighbor who cried in front of me knowing how much I loved her and she always told her how much she meant to me. He helped carry her wheel chair down the never again will I buy a 3 story condo all the while her 170 lbs telling the 500 pounds of men who refused I help because it was what they were for. I will do more and did enough. Rest they said. A community I never new completly until they came by and knew me as the Army soldier who helped support her and was a young lover whose friends joked and smiled when I arrived home saying the children are with Grandma and she would run out to kiss me in front of them all. I think it was the legacy like feeling. A soldier coming home like men before him in all the wars. The feeling the last f uck could be the last so shatter the Windows if u must. So my NCO never said a word and shook her hand once when she came to see me in Germany. She knew everything he had said about us and it only made us stronger and smile proving them all…the naysayers or friends who were just mind boggled lol but never did I lose one friend who didn’t except our hard life apart and they were thankful to not experience it. The truth we had it easy before cancer. Soldiers today and there families have had it far worse but a soldier’s path or there families will ever be an easy one. When I was in the reserves and my unit found out she was at the end…they paid me to stay home. After she died they honorably discharged me again and I went home to all my family and friends who were 1700 miles away and couldn’t financially come out to see her pass. I was alone with one friend a young guy who worked with my wife and offered him free rent as he needed a place to stay. He wouldn’t take the money I no longer needed with life insurance. He paid 300 a month to stay with me until the house sold. Never was I alone or hungry or without a good shoulder massage just after a good cry. He never cried in front of me. He took my wife’s 300 pain killers and 100 morphine patches she couldn’t take that made her sick and together we gave them back to the pharmacy. I asked him to do that so I could face this hurt with clarity. Albeit after three months and did have my own joint and facial pain. But those Cancer meds were not for my pain. The VA got me what I needed. So Oct 7th 2015 6 years later…here I am. In lol another long distance relationship with a another…girl who knows what you know now. LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT FOR those who are not both in complete harmony with another’s physical, mental, to us sexual but romantic compatibility and of course we beleive in God and Christ. I’m Baptist she was Anglecan no wonder we were so amazing. But be confident ladies and dudes leave off what if she cheats or whatever imaginations u men let run wild. If your doing most of it like 80 percent right with a woman whose not 31 flavors of bat shit crazy even while on PMS and fucks leaving wanting more that very breath after orgasm then stfu pay the bills and figure out how not to live apart. LDRs are rare and the only reason they last is because you know it will end. You would die for another and never ever let any as whole determine the fate of your and your lovers life because if they dare to speak up against your love…you retire in 3 years and Facebook is so easy to find you and the day I see you with your miserable life because damn I know what your married too I will not run u over like I’ve dreamed of because a man like you I will pray you outlive me and stay with the misery of this world because even today I have experienced it and I don’t want it. But my family makes it better and happy and if you saw the girl I will marry…nevermind your not worthy. I honor your service but never will I forget. But I will forgive because she doesn’t exist in this place…nothing can hurt her. Envy that you bastard. So yeah…I Had alot to talk about and obstaclesnin LDRs that can occur and the Miracles small or big are there. Be patient. Sheer luck and our brains me with 128 IQ…eh 115 now pot was at a time my kryptonite. And hers immeasurable for the facts and knowledge of trees flowers gardening motherhood that taught me alot…sewing…innerstrength…real pain I wish never to feel…A masters Degree in forestry…forgivness for my anger and healing hands when 3 humans are biohazard and she’s a mom so she never gets sick. Looking as to why that is John’s Hopkins? And finally she got me. My habits my humor my thinking my heart my passion and my sex drive thank god. But I gave her my all. Always hunted for her purse two flights down only for her to find it near the side of the bed. Of course she looked busy and smiled and asked sweet like. What’s weird was my mom did the same damn thing. Go find my purse. Yes I was a cheetah and part wolf and my physical was always met with a smile and when it was found….by my wife only my mom was like good boy. Sigh but my wife was more like are the kids downstairs? No I would pant… down the street with friends. The Obvious was revealed faster then I could react. But everything followedafter I locked the door to our room because kids can run two flights of stairs faster then most Kenyans and ask what we are doing and why the doors locked and can we have dinner at so and so? Which we both emphasized yes be back by 9….4 hours alone. OKAY they would scream. And we waited and could hear them yelling yeah it’s ok we can stay till 9. If luck had it it would extend to a sleep over. Our neighbors understood our situation…most were grandparents and we were the youngest couple on average. They had kids our kids age and I snuck in tax free liquor and just charged them what I paid for or just said don’t worry aboot it eh? So there’s my long long post and hopefully someone will read it. But to be honest this started as advice and ended being my own therapy. I hope few laughs were had more then tears. I’m out of tears…just smiles and great memories. I MARRIED before any of my siblings and I’m the 2nd youngest boy my sis is the baby. I lived a good part of life with her and before that all I had was darkness and defeat. Then I met her and I had courage and purpose. I won’t end it all because no matter how dark it gets for years even…something will happen…change. I grew up medically different and had surgeries and bullies but I was loved first by family great friends and Her who gave her last 9 years with me and always said No Regrets. I have none and weather you find him or her it’s really not that hard to figure if it will work. We had no money really. Job wasn’t ready. Credit cards survived a apartment till we moved and it changed fast. We survived together first then separated then visited then I was closer in Texas but 1500 miles was closer then Germany. Then I wanted a year off and found work and slept next to her everyday as she worked and I cleaned cooked. I grew up in a house with 6 kids and one mom…who cleaned and cooked? I swept when I was 7. Dishes at 10. Mowed at 12. And all the above including painting tiling and sheetrock before 16. Got a money job for me. This was easy and she wanted the break. Her ex allowed her to tend to children and not use the degree she had and to be fair she was loving being a mom. A natural. But a time a woman wants to earn her worth men is a time the children are in school and she wants out ofv the 8 year house she has cooked cleaned diaper changed etc while the husband comes home reading the newspaper and not playing with his kids and asking for the kids to leave him be…he’s tired…after she woke got the children fed and prepared and etc. It just didn’t work for her.But she said they became friends and sex was rare and both in-laws hated another controlled her children her looks was told she looked like a cow in the first sexy thing she wore and thought looked good…it was early 90s and it was not my style but dude wtf did you think was going to happen? I saw it and cow never entered my mind…perm and hairspray sure. But that’s divorce one of many little things usually. Or one really big stupid thing. So to wrap up…LDRs are hard but so are relationships to begin with. You dont have to suck up or try harder. Just love her or him as more then yourself. No matter distance money in-laws or idiosyncrasies see what u want to change about you or them and be sweet but if it doesn’t change…who cares. But how long will it bother you or them for that matter. You should be busy living bad if the day is not promised…the moment will never end because time is relative to love. Hold that kiss longer. Hug in bed longer. Gaze and speak freely to another for as long as it takes in those quiet moments. Don’t waste it on sleep or tv shows. When your apart and thinking of that…what I learned when I got off the plane was don’t waste a second with her now. Also make it home safe to bed and car sex can be dangerous while driving. Fun but distractingly illegal. Please understand I write this as I am 33 not any older. I don’t have a degree. I weld and now work back in Govt. I won’t ever marry a woman whose 20 years older then me for fear I will lose her first again…sounds selfish but I want a young woman holding my hand when I go….just like my wife had albeit a young man. I will never lose my young nature or heart for those I love. I’m not changing except in slow and reasonable circumstances. Money helps but I would not trade it for love ever. True Love exists and not something you learn but something you just see and take like the last piece of bread as you hunger. You embrace it. The taste the warmth. The need for more. And how to create that need from a single Being. Who must need you or see that trust. Nearly primal trust is True Love. Thankyou and Good night or good morning.

  11. Ugh, your stuff is so true, haha XD I feel it!! Me and my Japanese partner are 10,000km apart (I live in New Zealand), and we’ve been together 2 1/2 years…I’m moving there next year, hopefully we’ll have our own place in April!! :) Really looking forward to a time where I can wake up next to him everyday :)

  12. Hi grace! Your story is so inspiring and it gives me hope. I am in a relationship with my boyfriend whom i’ve met in the Philippines for almost two years (7 months long distance). He’s still a student and he doesn’t get a lot of allowance and we’ve been spending and making ways to talk (mainly through chatting on facebook). His internet is terrible so it’s really frustrating now that we can’t skype. Does anyone have advice? I’d really appreciate it. Thank you :)

  13. Hi, pls I need advise from you guys. I’ve been dating this guy I met online for some months now. He wants me to come visit him this December. And we live in 2 separate countries and are also from different countries. We live 5643 miles apart to be precise. My question is, should I be the one to buy the ticket or should he be the one? I’m very confused here pls. I need honest opinions. It will be highly appreciated. Thank you.

    • My first LDR I bought the ticket to visit him. We lived about 3200 miles apart. Sadly it did not work out and I ended up staying at a local Hostel for a couple days until I could get a flight back home. The person I’m involved with now will be buying the ticket to see me. I personally feel it depends on the circumstances and safety is the first thing to consider. Maybe I’m old fashioned this way, but I feel he should buy the ticket to see you and find a place to stay while he is with you. Many cities have Hostels. I’ve stayed in a few and had a good experience. I wish you all the best and so excited you’ll soon meet!

    • I would actually just talk to him about it… and then maybe split? Like, you buy the first ticket and he pays for the flight back? I mean, both of you want to see each other, right. So it’s just fair. (better to buy that ticket beforehand, so that you don’t end up being lost over there or stuff…)

  14. I felt you. I had 8 years long distance relationship with my japanese boyfriend and we are now married. congratulation that guys made it. i hope we can meet up someday in tokyo :)

  15. great Article! I experienced the same in the past. It is indeed difficult. Still, you both have a very beautiful story. Im really happy it worked for you.

  16. Thank you for this article. I’m currently in an LDR and have been in a couple throughout my past. More often than not, they haven’t worked, but I’m ever the optimist. My current boyfriend I have been “seeing” each other for four months. Skyping each day is hard and there have been times, even a week here and there when we were not able to Skype. Communication is key and we definitely are learning together. I wish you and your husband all the best and pray that my story will be similar to yours one day soon.

  17. Ayra Jimenez // 1 August, 2015 at 10:52 am //

    I’ve been reading your articles ever since I started dating my Japanese boyfriend. I’m from the Philippines, where people wear their hearts on their sleeves, a trait that doesn’t mix well with how Japanese men are less emotional and detached. We’ve broken up 4 times in the past year because of our cultural differences and his job which requires him to travel a lot (didn’t I just hit the jackpot?? Haha). I’m really glad that there are people such as yourself who chose to love their partners and enjoy the situation they’re in despite the difficulties. Thank you for sharing your stories and tips so we don’t feel so alone in this unpredictable journey. Cheers!

  18. reading this post while listening to sad romance music was not a good idea cause i began tearing up. Thank you for sharing your feelings and your relationship :) and of course, thank you for your advice on long distance relationships. I have been in a long distance relationship and it didn’t work out. I learned that if it isn’t mutual, it’ll never work out. Thanks Grace :D

  19. ガイジン // 7 July, 2015 at 5:14 pm //

    Hi, thank you very much for sharing this topic in your blog! Actually, this post made me more confident. I’m in a relationship with an extraordinary Japanese guy. We are not only in a long distance but also a huge age gap, around 2 decades. It’s amazing that we really never expect that we will encounter each other. As a matter of fact, we might encounter prejudices and misjudgments from others. I’m from another Southeast Asian country. I’m afraid that these factors make other people misjudge us. But he always remind me that I shouldn’t care because he knows that I’m a good person.

    Since we are far away from each other, we are Skyping almost everyday. We can watch movies together. We can eat together. He visits my country maybe every after 5 or 6 months, but for me, it’s okay if he can’t go so often since it also costs a lot to spend money to travel. I have been trying to save money too to go to Japan but i also have to prioritize my university fees first, which he fully understands.

    However, even if we skype regularly, sometimes we tend to argue about small things. He is very very sensitive that once i said something wrong or offending for him he will get angry. (Cultural differences) And I’m a type of person that I won’t stop pleasing someone until that person forgives me (it applies to my family, friends and especially for him) i really don’t want us to have fights as we are away from each other and it’s so hard to reconcile! I can’t say sorry to him personally~ so i always tend to panic and cry and attempt to call him so many times. I’m getting mad and crazy! I have read this article when I really didn’t know what to do to make myself a better person. This made me calm and inspired. I’m really thankful.

    And i just yesterday, we reconciled. I was really relieved and happy. And from now on, i will keep your advices in mind to become a better person and a good partner too :)

  20. I am in an LDR right now and today is our 3 week anniversary. He lives in Utah and I am from Canada. We try and Skype everyday we can but last night/early morning he went into a random depression phase or whatever emotion that must’ve triggered a memory and we almost broke up because I kept pushing to get him to open up, so I gave him space and went to bed. I am supposed to finally meet him in person this Friday but I don’t know if he still wants me down or not and I gave him space all of yesterday. Right now I can only assume that he is still wanting me to come down but I guess in a way I want reassurance. Should I ask him if he hops on Skype at all today?

    • Its nobody’s fault. Don’t worry. He might just missed you a lot or perhaps he has a problem. Go and see him this Friday. Communication is very important. Don’t doubt, listen to his side and be prepared.

  21. Thank you for sharing your experiences it really helps me a lot on how to survive LDR.. I’m a foreigner and I’m dating with a Japanese.

  22. That made me cry >.< most parts connected so well with my own life I was astounded. I'm so happy for you two to have been able to finally get together and get married. You have my best wishes always :) Running low on time or I'd write more :)

  23. Suzanne // 11 June, 2015 at 1:09 pm //

    You are such a cute sweet couple. I’m glad you’re together physically and married now. I’m waiting for my turn. Maybe in a few years when we’re settled.

  24. Alexis Mackey // 4 June, 2015 at 11:17 am //

    I recently met this amazing guy who is now my boyfriend. I’m 17, he’s 19. We met on world of warcraft. We got to talking and we started dating about a month ago. This is my first LDR. I really want this to work. We have an 8 hour difference, it sucks sometimes but I’d rather be in this situation with him than date someone who i can see everyday. He’s worth it.

  25. So much agreement here. My boyfriend and I have been long-distance for over 3 years, with the last 7 months of that being me in Japan and him in the US (and we’re from different states, so even when I AM home, it’s tough). I’d been living in Japan about three months when my grandfather died, and my boyfriend was only able to Skype with me. Luckily my job let me go home for the funeral, but he couldn’t manage to get off work and drive the 10 hours to get there in time. Distance sucks…but I’d rather that than lose him. Thanks for all the tips!

  26. Hi Grace! Fantastic blog! I’ve been working through a LDR with my girlfriend from California and me being from Michigan. We’ve been at it for three months now and we’ve had our fair share of rockiness along the way, but I realize that every issue that we see through together will bring us closer and make us stronger. Not only is this my first LDR but it is actually my first relationship that actually seemed to get anywhere and I try my best everyday to keep up to date with her as well as keeping her up to date on me. We mostly text each other on Skype on days she has work and we try to make calls on her days off. Sometimes we only get to call for a couple hours before she has to go fulfill any other commitments she has on those days and it can be hard to go without calling for almost a week at a time, but we still keep in touch no problem. She plans on coming up to see me in July to see if she could imagine living in Michigan and if she likes it here she may move up here to be with me at the beginning of next year. She’s a little stressed because she has to figure out a new living situation in California since her mother is putting their current home on the market but I believe she has it planned out so it won’t impede on her plans. Here’s to working towards successful LDRs!

  27. Anonymous // 17 April, 2015 at 3:45 pm //

    I’ve got all this stuff down and working on getting married to my long distance fiancee whom I’ve been dating long distance for four years and long distance friends five years before that. What I’m wondering is if anybody else gets physically sick after their significant other leaves from a visit. It’s been two days since he left and it feels like it’s been a week. I’m laying in bed congested and icky feeling. This happens after every visit. And has been happening for most of the relationship. Wondering if anyone else experiences this, and how to deal with it.

  28. I’ve been struggling a lot with my LDR lately. I’m from texas and he’s from monterrey (mexico) we met almost 4 years ago and have been dating for over 3 now. he moved away last june and i haven’t seen him since. he was supposed to come see me next week and his trip got cancelled because he didn’t have the money. its the third trip thats had to be cancelled. we are both full time students. I’m pre-law so i have no job. and he is a business major that works side jobs for extra money but he has bills to pay so there is never any extra money for him to save.
    i was doing really good for a while but when the latest trip was cancelled i went on a downward spiral. the thought of being able to finally see him after 8 months, and then having that taken from you last minute, is so heartbreaking. I’ve been emotional and i keep picking fights. he’s an extremely busy person and when he can’t FaceTime when we normally do i get really mad at him (which i never did before) I’m usually a very understanding person ands i know I’m just upset about not being able to see him
    i guess i just need some advice to get me out of this. i love him so much and i could never picture not having him in my life, nor do i want to. i just don’t know how to get over him not being able to come again and be okay until he can come again.
    we have another 2-3 years (at the very least) until he can move back here. how did you make it through the long periods of not being able to see each other.

    • Hi Grace, I have to admit that the reason I found your blog, is that I’m sneakily looking for extra-good advice to find out how to really make a long distant relationship a success. I met the cutest, sweetest, funny, smartest, good looking etc. etc. guy about a year ago in a random bar in South Africa where I live. I had just come off a long term relationship and wasn’t really in a great space but this guy totally blind-sighted me. We pretty much hit it off from the moment we started speaking and he really is something special. We only had a couple of amazing months together before he had to go back to the States and since then we’ve really tried to see each other every chance we get despite the huge Atlantic between us – ranging from meeting up in random countries to him coming back and me going there. I know all the things we should be doing, we talk and are open with each other and I trust him completely. We FaceTime/chat etc. every chance we get, but I really want this to work and I guess I’m worried the intense missing him when he’s not around will finally get to us both. He can’t really come here permanently and I can’t really go there until maybe later this year but even that’s all up in the air. The time apart is seriously tough, yes, making the time together that much more wonderful, but I’m constantly wishing he was there to share stuff with me. If I don’t fill my time with other things I truly will go mad so some advice on how to cope with that would be perfect. Great question to end on, and probably rhetorically unanswerable, but is it utter madness to want to upheave your entire life, change work, leave family etc. for someone after such a short period of time?!?

  29. Patricia // 20 March, 2015 at 6:51 pm //

    Congratulations for the both of you.
    Just wanna ask some advice.
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and 5 months now. We’re living in the same city so we see each other almost every day. Sometimes he sleeps in my place, sometimes I sleep in his. He’s so awesome. He became my dad, brother, bestfriend. Etc. (Coz my father died when I was in grade 6 and my mother went abroad)
    Now I can’t even imagine a day without him by my side.

    Next 2 weeks he will be migrating to Canada because his mother petitioned him and his siblings.
    He said he’ll work there for 2 years and then go back here and marry me so I can go there together with him.

    I’m still a college student ( 1st year dentistry proper)

  30. Anastasia // 13 March, 2015 at 10:08 am //

    Hi Grace! Good day,

    I’d like to take some advice for you.My Boyfriend and I, We’ve been together for 4 months (2 months together 2 months away.) now in those 2 months were always together lot of things happens in those 2 months were like a couple whos already been together for a year like weve known each other for a very long time. ive already introduce him to my parents because im only 18 and he’s 24 though age differences does not really matter to me. He’s a sailor and now were apart for almost 2 months now. i only get to talk to him for only “once a week” it takes 4 to 5 days for us to get connected to each other. i dont want to give up on him though this kind of long distance relationship situation is different from you guys. the only thing im holding is the promises that weve made. and im in college right now sometimes i dont have the energy to go to school or do my stuff and he’s coming back in october. Well time really flies not so fast whenever hes not with me. I miss him so much. i dont know what to do? sometimes im breaking down to the point that i only want to stay in my bed all the time… It’s my first time in this kind of relationship

    Hope i’ll get some advice from you,

    Anastasia x

  31. Howdy Grace!! I’m so glad that I found your blog. While I do follow other blogs that do give relationship advice, none of them specifically talk about the issues with long distance relationships. While my past two relationships have were close to me, I found in the second we still had some of the problems described above in part due to emotional turmoil on his part and in part to our insanely busy schedules. Yet, neither relationship was a waste because I’ve learned a lot! Honestly, until my second relationship I never realized how much compassion and patience really needed to be practiced. Now I’ve met two men. And while were still just talking both would inevitably become long distance relationships (with one in Brisbane, Australia and the other half way across the country).

    While some of the ideas you talked about seem to be, I suppose, a bit more, hmm should I say, natural (??), than others. Or maybe what I want to say is that some of this I can more easily do, and have already implemented when I talk with Andy in Australia, such as the scheduling of skype time (though lately we haven’t been able to skype because his internet is down due to the recent cyclone). Yet, with Chenny we haven’t skyped yet, and have only communicated through texts. Regardless, I am glad that I’ve found a community in which there is sharing of support!

    Until next time,


  32. Ive been looking for answers everywher. I cant talk to friends because they think its strange and dont understand. I recently met this girl from Zimbabwe about 3 months ago. We met on Facebook, and we talked everyday for about 4 weeks, until she left for college in Australia. I would have never guessed I would have met such a wonderful girl across the world. But, we both discussed how much we liked one another and our concerns about talking ling distance. We are not officially together, but really good friends now. I have found myself caring about her deeply, that It scares me. We don’t talk as much at this point because of her studies. We text each other at least twice a week and pour out how much we miss each other, and talk about what happened during that week. But, I have grown really close to her, and would do anything to be with her. She always supports me, and vice versa. I just don’t know what to do. Should I move on? or just hang in there and give her space?

  33. I am in a LDR and the last time I saw him in was 1 yr. and 2 months and is very tough situation.

  34. You really nailed it. I feel like I can use this article to open more conversations. Thank you.

  35. Ammar Abbasi // 20 February, 2015 at 8:55 am //

    Wow…. Do they even make girls like you anymore? He is one LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY son of a BITCH (with all due respect). I wish you guys all the love in the world…. i hope you guys go all the way. Inshallah!

    No, they don’t make girls like you anymore. Nope… nope.. they don’t!

  36. Hey Grace! I’m in the same state as you were. I’m in a Long distance relationship with a Japanese Man. Glad that I’m not the only one who feels this kind of heartache. We have more issues like religion difference, age difference, but we’re doing the best we can. We argued a lot. But it makes our relationship grew stronger. Now I’m preparing for my marriage with him and soon moving to Japan!

  37. In fact,LDR are hard,but, I believe it can be something that can even make the love grow stronger…When you can finally see your lover, things are more intense and every time you see each other is wonderful… I wouldn’t trade be with my boyfriend once a week for being with another person everyday… I love him and he is worth everything I do…the distance is just a detail. :3

    Love your posts, Grace!

    wish you the best!

  38. Hey Grace! my boyfriend and I had only been officially together for 1 month and a half before he left to Florida for 4 months. It’s far to say that, at the beginning, i wasn’t too sure if i was willing to jump into a long distance relationship so soon in the relationship. the thought that he was leaving for longer that we’d been together made me feel a bit insecure and not too sure if it would be worth it. i knew my feelings for him were strong and that what we had was ecstatic but, despite that, i felt like people would think i’m ridiculous. however, we decided to give it shot, knowing that we trust each other and that we love each other, thinking “Fuck what people think: you can’t define a relationship by how long 2 people have been together”. I read what you wrote of the steps of long distance relationship and omg it’s soo accurate. in the weeks after he’d just left, i wasn’t myself. i was a slave to my phone, completely obsessed with checking his Facebook to see if he was online and creating scenarios in my head. I mean, like I said, i truly did trust him but, you know how the human brain works. finally after nearly a month of being a total train wreck, my parents bought me a ticket to go see him in Miami and i swear that was probably the best thing anyone could’ve ever done for us. See, prior to my trip to Miami, i had been questioning our relationship. i knew he loved me and that I loved him but i was sick of being a slave to my phone, i was sick of not wanting to go out and spend time with my friends because everything would remind me of him. I was constantly thinking that maybe I’d be better off just ending things because at least I’d be getting over him and not stuck at home obsessing over his whereabouts. Visiting him was exactly what i needed. After spending a week with him and being together 24/7, i knew it was all worth it. i knew that he loved me even though he wasn’t always on Facebook to chat with me, i knew he wouldn’t hurt me and i knew I had no reason whatsoever to not trust him. I then returned home with a clear mind and a healthy long distance relationship. Now, our long distance relationship is doing perfectly fine, we skype at least once and week and talk at least once a day. I miss him so much but i know that if we can make it through this, we’re good. He’ll be back soon enough and i couldn’t be more exited to see my baby :) so thanks for the advice and the stories; they’re super relatable and it feels good to see that other people have been through the same phases and that maybe i wasn’t so psycho after all haha
    best of luck to you and your husband!

    • I noticed it too, that after a first visit it gets better. I was a wreck too and was crying myself to sleep often. In the same week I got home I already booked a flight back and was counting down the days. I was only home for 1,5 month but it was soooo hard! Now that we’ve seen each other again and I am back home, we are more prepared for a long distance relationship. It’s been almost a month since I’ve seen him and it is going to take another 5 months (or a year) before I will see him again, but I am more confident now in our relationship. It is definitely going to work, even though it is going to be tough some times. Btw I think everybody will agree when I say time difference is the most difficult part during the whole LDR. It just sucks…8hrs difference means I am sleeping when he is working and he is sleeping when I am working/awake. Also means sometimes giving up sleep so you can have your Skype-time (phone is so expensive!).

  39. Thank you so much for your blog! i am currently experiencing my first LDR.. me and my bf have been together for 2,5 years and now im in portugal and hes moving to Japan in a few months for our 5 months study abroad, which is mandatory at our uni. your blog is helping me a lot because it is so honest, it is written by someone who experienced the same thing which is really helpful!

  40. Hi, I really enjoy reading your posts! Love the comic! I will soon be in a LDR as well… don’t think it’s a good idea, but I do love him.

  41. 初めまして、よろしく。 Nice to meet you.

    ブログを読んでいます。  I am reading blog.
    ブログを楽しみにしています。 I am looking forward to reading blog.

    下の動画はテキサス親父さんです。 Texas father Creates Video.

    では、また。 Bye now.

  42. ‪#‎LongDistanceRelationship‬ , The Entire Article covers all major topics To make it Beautiful ,
    Ignorance , Improper Communication , Expectation and Hide and Seek game , Which Creates hurtles in any relationship , Sometimes Society , Profession Matters , But FAITH , TRUST , Freedom And Bonding make it works well ,
    #LongDistanceRelationship is something about bonding , Proper Communication and Signaling it works well for first few months but after that its Totally about Mutual Understanding

  43. me and my bf have been dating for 3 years now and we have been ldr for 2 years now and we won’t be able to see each other until one more year :( do u have any tips on how to manage that one more year ? Also we both have really really busy schedules and a 7 hour difference between each other. Any advice ?

    • Jeandre // 9 May, 2015 at 8:33 pm //

      Hi Grace trust you doing well…I dont even know where to start but I came across your blog as something happened…ive be seeing my boyfriend for 2years..and in jan he had to movr back home so weve been doing the long distance relationship for almost 5months…tthethe first 3 went swiflty as I can fly up to see him on my off…past 2 months I could only see him for 3 days in a month it has been heartbreaking we argue alot…ccommunication became less and less and the he would go without a good night or good morning. It sparked arguments isnt where its suppose to be and it feels like If dont ask about his day he wont tell me..then on Tuesday he flew to me and this hurt me so badly I dont know what to…he came tue evening we got something to eat and he went to sleep no hugs or kisses or we went out he more happy and spoke alot to a friend of his that he didn’t see in months. got home he went to bed no hugging or kissing or. thurs I asked if I could lay in his arms and I did. Fri same thing absolutely nothing not once did he touch me or anything fri I built up the courage to ask if we are not even going to “sexy time” he just smiled and giggled for how I said.. keeping ib mind when ever I got to see him he couldn’t wait to have me all to himself..
      am I over thinking it or does this mean there is someone else or that the relationship is over…

  44. Grace, how do I deal with the possibility of not being able to see them during the LDR? My boyfriend and I are about to be long distance for 5 months while we both go abroad, and i barely have the money to get there as it is. So I’m worried that I will not be able to afford seeing him. Can we still make it work?

    • 5 months is a really long time without being able to see each other – but it is doable. I think the longest my husband and I went without seeing the other person was like 5.5 months. It sucks, but just remember to Skype tons and write letters :)

  45. Hi! I’m very happy for you that you two made it :)! I hope you see and answer this because i need help.
    Well, there is this boy. I felll in love with him so hard, we’re both deeply in love , but a problem is that we are in LDR, we don’t see each other often (for now). But I haven’t seen him in 5 months which drives me crazy! He promised me he will come to see me soon, he almost did twice, but every time something went wrong. Maybe you don’t understand me but it’s so hard because I want to see him so desperately. Sometimes I don’t want to hear what date is because I know it has been so long since the day I saw him. I just miss him so soo soooo much I don’t even know what to do. He means everything to me, I am sure that there is no one better than him he’s just the one. I know we can make it somehow, because next year I will be able to se him more often, and after next year I’ll be able able to see him almost everyday. But right now it’s so hard I can’t even explain. Any tips how to make this easier or how could I see him soon? Thanks :)

  46. Anonymous // 28 October, 2014 at 4:07 am //

    My story

  47. By next year I will experience a long distance relationship for almost 7 years…. although he cheated on me 1 time because there is some changes in our relationship as a couple but I didn’t give up! God is good! have faith, trust him… the only thing I can do is to surrender our marriage to God.. that God will guide our relationship even though we’re far away and what ever ups and downs come into our lives… I trust Jesus Christ and pray always for my husband, my family that he live forever in the center of our relationship… Don’t worry guysss just trust, love and pray and God will guide your family..

  48. Thanks for this article, Grace, made me cry :( Im in an LDR for close to 2 years now. He’s the only guy I dated who readily and happily committed And I have no trust or jealousy issues whatsoever. Met him while we were working in SIngapore but he had to move away after 2 months. Since then, he visited me 4x (4th to meet my whole family in the Philippines) and I have visited him 1x in Europe and met his closest friends and parents.

    But Im afraid Im not happy anymore… Mostly with communication (quantity and quality, and now im starting to wonder about whether we are just settling with each other or what) From the start of the LDR, Ive given him tons of suggestions, even sent him a website with LDR tips, he’ll say Ok but won’t follow through so no action was ever taken. Until I make a fuss then we end up arguing so I can make my point across. After we argue I would notice that he takes my feedback and things would be ok, then I would notice something else. We seldom skype but whatsapp everyday. Its not like we dont have means to skype but I always have to initiate until sometimes I am too tired to ask or care.

    Thats only one thing, i have other concerns. I think ive not been unfair and nagged him about this. I try to communicate my concerns (although my timing to bring it up always seems wrong) but whenever I bring it up, he gets defensive so we argue and regroup later. im not really satisfied with his answers so for sake of moving forward, I adjust. Im just tired of adjusting, when I see friends around me with doting partners who would surprise them and spoil them to no end. It doesnt help. As for him, he has never brought up an issue about me, but I would figure it out based on how he reacts when I bring up my issues.

    I kind of want to break up, but am afraid

    (1) he would let go without a fight. I know he loves me and is afraid to lose me but I feel its difficult to get through to him, seeing as he always shuts me off when I bring up issues about us. if this happens, then It makes me feel I was wrong even if I know im right and justified.

    (2) to go through the process of breaking up and finding someone else again. im just too tired for that so im trying and trying to make this work

    (3) to hurt him and he will still shut me off so I will never know.

    I think if we were not in LDR it would be very different, so my issues are mainly due to distance. I might move with him in the next year or so, but before that I dont know if I can survive the LDR without settling and shortchanging myself. plus how can I make a big move if Im unsure of him during LDR?

    Very very confused :(

    But i believe in LDR, as long as both people commit to making it work. So am happy for you and your husband :)

    • Anonymous K // 3 December, 2014 at 6:51 am //

      Hi, I am so glad that you shared this about your long distance relationship (I hope it all worked out for you) your post and this article has helped me.

      Me and my boyfriend have been together 3.5 years now, 2 of those years we have been at separate universities. I am now in my last year and he has had to re-do a year. I thought things were fine between us but then last week he said to me that he was not happy in the relationship, and he hadn’t been for the last year (whilst at university), he is happy when we are together but not when we aren’t.

      To me..this was out of the blue.. Our last Skype session before this we did not talk a lot, but he said he was tired and when I tried making conversation he just shrugged it off.. Two days later he was not replying to me on Facebook. Then out of know where said we needed to talk and to meet up next day (we are 3 hours away by train). At the meeting he said his part but he didnt know what else to say, I was upset and was trying to get him to talk more about it but he did not say much.

      So I put a 2 week break on the relationship to help him clear his head because he hadn’t thought anything through just said he was not happy, we didn’t communicate a lot, Skype sessions have been silent, which to me was only the one.

      4 days later he messages me asking how I am, I replied honestly, not sleeping, eating, can’t listen to music, can’t watch certain shows ect, he was the same and apologized for pushing me away but things have not changed he is not happy. So we are meeting tomorrow to talk through it and find a solution..

      Communication is key.. We both needed to communicate more..
      I did not even notice how little I may not have been texting and so on, I have been/ am extremely stressed with university work and now realise that I had just been focusing on work as well as placement. When I am not doing work, I am at placement, if I am not at placement then I am in lesson or asleep, to me I was fitting him but to him it must have seemed I did not want to talk. He has a lot of time between his lessons and has little work, so he goes out a lot or is at work, so he has had time to think about how little we spoke.

      I am hoping that this is a little bump in the relationship and we can both move forward.
      I am meeting him tomorrow and I am very nervous but I can already see some progress since the mini break..

      Wish me luck!!

    • I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but look at the reasons you said you are fearful to end the relationship. You know that he loves you, that you don’t want to try to start a new relationship, and that you don’t want to hurt him. You never said anything in there about loving him, not wanting to lose him, etc. It sounds like you’re together now more out of convenience than a genuine, reciprocated love.

  49. Anonymous // 4 October, 2014 at 10:42 am //

    This is a great article. It’s very true. I’m going through a long distance relationship now and these are the things I’m experiencing. It’s tough, but if you really love somebody you’ll give it a try. Thanks for sharing!!

  50. My boyfriend just left for Ohio and I live in south Carolina, we are trying to make this long distance last for 8 months and then I’ll be able to see him again for a month and then he’s off to basic training for 4-5 months. Its hard, I know we’ve been separated for a few days but during this time period I’ve often wondered about being jealous and confided in my guy friends. This article helped me alot. Thank you!

    • Hi Michelle,

      Thanks for sharing. Best of luck in your upcomign LDR!

    • Frustrated & Confused // 2 October, 2014 at 3:26 pm //

      WoW thanks…I’m in a long distance relationship and it’s definitely TOUGH! I battle myself with moving towards the next step in our relationship and when will the next step come! I don’t want to pressure him but I also don’t want to be waiting for something that may not happen… we both talk about marriage and building a family but when…. we’re only getting older heck by the time we make the next step.I may not be able to have children I’ll be too old!

  51. What a great article! I’m in a long distance relationship too and it was nice to see that my worries are common and we are doing everything we can to make it work. I hope that my relationship works out as well as yours did, such an inspiring story and gives the rest of us hope that it will work!

  52. Hello Grace,
    Thank you for this great article, it’s truly an inspiration to me and trying to make my long distance relationship work. My girlfriend and I met in high school a year and a half ago and are both starting college now 800 miles apart. Back in high school we would text all the time, walk to class together, hang out pretty much everyday or if not make a phone call every night. We’ve been in college for already less than a week and things have been difficult already. I know that she’s been busy with orientation activities and seeing other people, but I rarely get any text messages from her, and I find myself sending multiple texts in a row just asking about her day and how’s she’s doing but getting no response. I mean I’m glad she’s meeting lots of people and keeping herself busy, but I feel like she’s forgetting about me. And that worries me because sooner or later she may have no need for me in her life. I love her so incredibly much and I can’t stand the idea of losing her. We made plans the other night to Skype but she ended up canceling the plans to go hang out with some friends. I’ve told her that I think we need better communication, but she feels differently and thinks that everything is fine the way it is now. This transition is difficult because we used to text all day every day and I’m trying my best to understand and cope with the fact that we both have different and new lives now, but I feel like there’s no effort on her part. I want to keep trying to make this work, and maybe things will be easier once classes start and we have defined schedules, but right now things are tough.

    Ever since going off to college, I’ve also noticed that my girlfriend has become a completely different person than I’ve come to know over the course of our relationship. I’m trying to cope with this change as well as rarely talking to her but it’s incredibly difficult. I hate feeling like I’m being pushed aside and forgotten about, and that I’m the only one that cares about preserving us. She’s told me that she cares about me and thinks all the time about me, but it’s honestly hard to see when we barely even talk and it seems like a one-sided relationship. I’m going to have to get used to the lack of communication I guess. I just hate being divided between wanting her to be social/having a good time and talking to me. Do you have any advice on that? Or on how to communicate more? I’ve told her how I feel on that subject, but she doesn’t agree. I’ve been crying a lot, and I feel like I’m depressed. I’ve been trying to put myself out there to keep myself busy and meet people, but I’m slightly shy and things haven’t been too easy. Again, thank you for this amazing post (I’m definitely going to use it in my own relationship) and any advice that you have to make this relationship work.

    • hey Scott. so I’m in a very similar situation as you as my boyfriend just went off to college a couple weeks ago. the only difference is I’m a girl and I’m still here while he’s there, and i couldn’t have said it better myself. i know exactly how your feeling. its like I’ve been left behind and now I’m making all the effort and just taking every little bit i can get from him (which hasn’t been much) and honestly its starting to suck worse and worse but one thing Grace didn’t mention that i find really helps a lot is having people you can go to and talk to that aren’t your significant other cause honestly sometimes you just need people to talk a little sanity into your mind. i trust my boyfriend but my mind can’t help but wander to the worst case scenario whenever he doesn’t respond or tells me about a new girl he met, but when i talk to my friends and they remind me that he’s probably just busy, or he loves and respects me to much to ever do anything with another girl it really does help. sometimes you just need people to tell you what you already know. well i just wanted to empathize with you and let you know i understand completely what your facing and i wish you the best of luck.

  53. Hi Grace! Im so happy to get some idea from your experience. Im in a LDR too, we are just 6months in realationship. I am supposedly in New Zealand by this time only if my visa was’nt denied,but he didnt gave up and applying for new one again.
    Actually i don’t really consider a big problem what i am going thru now. You might tell me that i am just being paranoid. So this is how it started.
    Everyday we talked thru viberand we face time, but there is something wrong with the apple software so it is so
    Limited to see eachother now.
    One day i was really upset and not talking like i am used to. So he said that he is going to call his friend will call me back. He took time before calling me back and said that he wasnt able to talk to hus friend as his kids called him. I said its ok, then after a while he dropped out and said will call me back coz his friends called already. So u waited and waited,he comes back when he just neex to take his shower then go to sleep. So i get mad at him, i told him that as if nobody is waiting for him. The next day, he sounds weird to me and he told me why that he didnt like how i acted last night and because ut was the attitude of her ex.That she didnt allow him to be with his kids and friends and the reason why he left her.So i told him that i am not like that as i also have a kid a friends and explained it to him that i know the importance of those people in only point was that i was expecting that he will be with me that day when i am feeling down. But he said that he didnt know that i am. So i explained it to him that we both had really misunderstanding and so we became
    Ok then. But since that happens, there are some changes that i observed,(that is what i am saying if i am just being paranoid) that he doesnt tell
    “I love you” anymore as much as he really does. But he said that he loves me and he will always will but i have to be me and not to be paranoid.
    We are online from the moment he woke up in the morning till he goes at work,then after his work till he sleep at night. Because we are in different time zone, like his morning and my night and vise versa.
    Is there anything i could be afraid to?
    I love him and i know he loves me too but i still have this fear of loosing him.

    • Hi Jane,

      Thanks for sharing. Wow, your story sounds complicated. I wish I could give some advice, but my husband and I don’t have kids, so that’s out of my area of expertise. I would just recommend writing a 1-2 page letter on how you feel/what bothered you – and asking him to do the same. Then you can share the letters and talk about it. It’s a great way to get your feelings out without worrying about interrupting/forgetting something.

  54. Thanks for articulating all that so well. And for the encouragement.

    ~a long-distance-er from the Midwest

  55. My boyfriend and I met and got together a few hours before I left his country from studying abroad. And we have been inseparable ever since. It has been four months, challenging to live 8,000 miles away from eachother, of course. I am in love with him, and he is in love with me. He has some life changes coming up and there are some difficult things happening in his country right now, I know they have been upsetting him a bit. We usually talk on the phone or text 5 days out of the week. Last Thursday he called me and we talked a while, things were perfect. Then out of the blue, he hasn’t talked to me since. I have sent him messages, tried calling, everything- he has been online and read a couple messages, so I know he is ignoring me now, I don’t know what to do. I feel heartbroken and afraid that things will end between us; I’m not ready for that. We had made plans for the future together, he seemed so in love with me, I don’t know what I did wrong :(

    • Oh wow. Congrats on such a long LDR. Sorry to hear he isn’t contacting you… that’s really weird. It’s impossible to tell what’s the cause… I hope it gets better, though!

  56. Hi Grace,
    I have recently commented on one of your posts about me and my boyfriend starting a long distance relationship. We’ve been together for almost 16 months and now he is studying abroad. He left 2 days ago, the night before his flight we have talked for about 3 hours. He said “everything will be okay, don’t worry about the distance. There won’t be any lies, i promise. And i love you so much”. Just before we end the conversation, we both cried. Yesterday, it was 4 in the morning here when he arrived. And probably he was so tired after a reaaal looong flight. So it didn’t bother me that he didn’t texted me and all. But last night, even though he slept so well, he didn’t text me at all. All we did was sending eachother a few snaps and that was it. I know that it was his first night in college and he is so excited. I don’t really know if i’m acting so needy. I know that he loves me but i expected at least a single text message saying i miss you… We were snapchatting and he suddenly stopped sending me snaps, i was awake at 6 in the morning just to be able to talk with him! He didn’t even bother to reply to my snaps… I’m feeling so sorry and like a rubbish. Hopefully, he will recover. Do you think he’s fading away or am i being so needy and selfish? Thank you:)

    • Hi Laura,

      Thanks for the message. It really is impossible to tell, since it’s only been a couple days (and he might have just been ignoring you for a day or two…? Which isn’t cool, but is no cause for alarm). I say give it a week and see what happens?

  57. I love this post! Thank you so much for sharing your experience with LDRS. My fiance and I may be entering into one soon, and your advice is really reassuring; and It makes me happy that it was all really worth it in the end for you and your husband! :)

    He has just started week one of 21 months of culinary arts school in a city that is about a two hour commute south of our home town. I am so excited and happy for him! This is a huge opportunity for him and the first time he will be doing such an intense amount of higher level education.

    The commute is expensive, and I have picked up another nursing job so we can stay comfortably afloat. At first he was determined to commute the necessary five days a week for classes because he despises the climate and the city his school is in. But yesterday he mentioned to me that–if we are able to afford it–he would like to stay in the dorms at school five or more days a week, and that’s when all of above emotions and ideas you mentioned (trust, jealousy, lack of physical contact, etc) came bubbling up to the surface in me. It’s good to know there are couples out there that have been successful!!

    If he does decide to stay away from home, I am glad I now have a little bit of a game plan and your experiences that I can relate to. Thank you and I look forward to reading your other blog entries!

    • Hi Megan,

      Thanks for sharing. I’m glad y’all have been able to talk it through and handle these feelings BEFORE the LDR starts. Actually, my grandmother was in a LDR like this (Her husband got transferred 5 hours away, so they kept the home, and he would commute back to the house every weekend – living out of a cheap, hotel near his work for the weekdays). It was only supposed to be 6 months, but it kept getting renewed. By two years, she was tired, and by two and a half years, she was ready to throw in the towel, so they sold the house and got another one closer to his work.
      I guess this is pretty common for couples. Best of luck!

  58. love sickness sucks // 17 August, 2014 at 2:18 am //

    A powerful article, im sure to those that are in long distance relationships. Makes me realise that feeling how I do at times and missing my girlfriend as much as I do, sometimes to the point where it almost feels physical, and the worries and concerns I get, its good to see that im not the only one. We dont skype, just phonecalls and messaging, sometimes I wish we did skype because it would be nice to see her face each day, even if I couldn’t touch or kiss it..only seeing her once or twice a month and not really knowing when we will meet again just knocks the wind out of me….like feeling winded and restrained due to not feeling able to express my love by holding her hand, a kiss, hugging and cuddling up watching a film together.

    • love sickness sucks // 17 August, 2014 at 2:22 am //

      Ps. Weve been together almost two years in a couple of months

    • i’m in the same situation :( sorry to hear about that. how did you get through it? i’ve been in an LDR with my boyfriend since I left for the states. I haven’t been able to visit him or vice versa. I don’t think i’ll be visiting or seeing him anytime soon. It might be years but i’m glad to know i’m not alone. Good luck and stay strong!

      • we’ve been long distance for seven months and i havent been able to visit him once :( no skype only chatting through fb. it sucks. but we’ve been together for almost two years now

  59. Hopeless_Romantic // 7 August, 2014 at 1:40 am //

    This is very inspirational. Your blog definitely is an eye openner on what is LDR is all about. It’s pros and cons. I am in this situation too and I cant help laughed at myself when I read this because the items you’ve identified are so true and I am actually expereiencing it. I hope one day my partner and I can close the distance and eventually be together soon. I love the statement “Try not to think about the future. Work 100%, maybe plan to eventually live in the same city/country, and “do your own thing” We love each other and we have been in LDR for over a year and we are taking it slow and committed to have more visits either him to me or I to him. I believe in a old cliche saying that “it takes two to tango” and if both work for it LDR will be successful, It may be difficult but worth fighting for if you both are in to it. We talked about being together in the future but not really “proper talk” I just hope we will make through all the challenges LDR has and sooner I wish we could be together permantely. To all my girls who are in this position let us all be positive and I am sure our relationships will truly be a success! xxx

    • thank you so much! I always love hearing from other couples who kind of have it figured out (most of the comments on this post are more depressing/angsty – and I never know how to respond). Congrats on being together in an LDR for over a year! That’s pretty incredible.
      And it’s wonderful that both of you are equally committed. That’s pretty rare in LDRs. It totally does “take two to tango.”

      Thanks for sharing!

  60. Anonymous // 6 August, 2014 at 3:04 am //

    Cassie, Please see my reply to you further down,,,,,, August 6 @ 1:23 am. Thanks so much!

  61. Anonymous // 5 August, 2014 at 11:41 pm //

    Hi!!! I just found your blog and it just makes my heart go wild every time I read about your marriage. It seems so easy to read but you must have suffered a lot, so I get really excited to read you have the happiness you deserve now!

    I just got into a ldr with a Japanese boy, I’d really love to talk about it but I’m too shy to type everything down here.. This is the first time I’ve ever followed a blog so I’m not sure if there’s some private message option or something ^ ^

    Anyways, your blog has given me so much faith from now on, thank you so much. Please keep the hard work, you’re an angel ♡

  62. Anonymous // 4 August, 2014 at 9:45 pm //

    I’ve been in a LDR for 14 months. I live in AL; he lives in NV. I flew out to see him 4 times this past year. He says he has financial problems and if he could he would definitely come to see me. He has a 16 yr old son; who I know loves me. We have really great phone sex. At first, it would hold us over until the next time we were to see each other. Although, after the phone sex we would be crazy with desire to be physically intimate. I haven’t seen him in 4 months. My body really aches, I’m frustrated, emotionally drained and I feel tired all the time. He says he’s working on something to get financially stable so we can be together. I can’t take it anymore. If I quit talking to him, he never leaves me alone. I’m very affectionate, sexual; I need to touch, cuddle, kiss, etc. and have companionship. This is driving me crazy and making me very depressed. I say if you’re contemplating a LDR – DON’T DO IT! I found myself putting these words down this morning. Maybe it was to help me really “see” that I’m not getting what I need and I’ve got to cut this relationship off. Thanks.

    • Hi!!! I just found your blog and it just makes my heart go wild every time I read about your marriage. It seems so easy to read but you must have suffered a lot, so I get really excited to read you have the happiness you deserve now!

      I just got into a ldr with a Japanese boy, I’d really love to talk about it but I’m too shy to type everything down here.. This is the first time I’ve ever followed a blog so I’m not sure if there’s some private message option or something ^ ^

      Anyways, your blog has given me so much faith from now on, thank you so much. Please keep the hard work, you’re an angel ♡

    • I’m sorry!!! I posted something in the wrong place, I read your post though I’m sorry I can’t have a say in any of this.

      However I understand you may feel even more frustrated because of the economic side of the situation. I just made a trip to Japan to see my boyfriend and it seems like he can’t come until next year, he says he is working to save up but I’m not sure if I can wait so long.

      So I’m saving up to see him hopefully in Christmas, however it feels unfair to make two trips in a row for me. I can’t imagine your feeling making four!!

      Anyways, I can just guess by now you should know if this person is worth all of those feelings. If the feeling of finally seeing each other makes it worth so much pain, or it just doesn’t..

      You must feel sad right now and that’s why you’re thinking of ending everything right away. Just calm down a second, and remember why you started this in the first place. Sometimes you just need to know someone knows about your feelings, so I hope you find your answer soon!!

      • Anonymous // 6 August, 2014 at 1:23 am //

        Cassie, Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I had spent this past weekend feeling so depressed (because I need to be in my boyfriend’s arms and I don’t have “hope” (don’t know when he’s coming); I was crying so hard yesterday morning in emotional pain, that’s why I found your blog. I googled “what can it do to a woman physically and mentally in a LDR” searching for an answer. Well, I called my boyfriend crying & told him I couldn’t take it anymore. We have both struggled over the distance issue anytime we haven’t been together. Do you not “ache” like I’ve described in my first message to be intimate with your boyfriend? My boyfriend and I are a perfect match sexually. I struggle between my heart and my mind. I am in love with him (I think, or sometimes I wonder if it’s lust). My mind starts going over things that could cause problems if we stay together. And, I have conflict with my spiritual side with the “sin” part of this relationship. I’ve actually invested a lot of time in this relationship as he puts it “you broke a player” because I could see the “real” person underneath the person he was when I met him. What do I follow,,,,my heart or my mind? I’ve tried many times to end this relationship, but something always draws me back. But, yesterday was the first time I told him I want him to find someone else. What do I do? Was I too hasty? I keep struggling with this,,,,,,,but I’m willing to hear what you have to say again before it’s too late. Thank you very much Cassie!

    • I’m sorry to hear your LDR isn’t working out… I agree, the physical separation (and lack of intimacy) can be incredibly difficult. Everyone’s different, so what works for you might not work for other people (and vice versa).
      I hope y’all are either able to close the distance (move in together) or figure out where your relationship stands, soon.

      • Anonymous // 6 August, 2014 at 9:09 pm //

        Thank you for responding to me again! From AL

        • Anonymous // 6 August, 2014 at 9:45 pm //

          And, forgive me Grace for calling you Cassie . Your 1st reply to me came in the text “Cassie”. I called my boyfriend yesterday; we’re back together. Maybe hope and faith will see us through. :-)

          • I’m glad to hear :)
            But actually, someone named Cassie was the one who sent you the longer (much better) bit of advice~
            I love it how people help each other out with problems/concerns on this blog post!

  63. Everything you have said is what im going through ldr for 3 years, and then this guy has just come in and now they always hang together i reall dislike this new mate of his now. :( i just want that to be us im seeing him in like 5 months hopefully he moves over to me soon :(
    we are both 18 im in gold coast auz and his in christchurch nz i use to live in christchurch but far i miss him and i no all of what you said is so true go through it averyday and no ur not wird with the top and pillow thing i do that haha

    Names Nay :)

  64. I am currently in a LDR of 9 months, we both live in different countries, and share a 1 hour timezone difference. But today I am unsure whether I should continue this relationship, or simply end it.

    He is the smartest, most creative, nice, genuine person I’ve ever met, and I feel as if he is very special. He’s always been very sweet with me, but lately it’s not been the same. Lately I’ve been giving more than receiving, and he does not realize it at all. About two weeks ago, we met for the first time. It was amazing, and we got along very well, he even cried before he left. But since we’ve got back to the usual, behind the screen relationship, it’s been difficult for me, and I’m starting to see differences in him. It’s just very hard for me to adjust from seeing him 24/7, to only an hour of conversation per day. He’s been making new friends, working out, and talking much less to me. When I asked him about it, he said he just felt like general silence at the moment. Thing is, I am a very anxious person, I need daily reassurance, which leads to me being paranoid over everything.

    A part of me wants to be independent, end this, and learn to love myself, make place for new hobbies, and grow as a person. I’m not sure if this makes any sense, I suppose I’m craving me time, and me being with someone makes this difficult, as I am easily jealous, and spend most of my time thinking about the relationship instead of focusing on other things.

    I feel as if we both want to grow as people, but remaining with each other enables us from changing. I’m totally at a loss for what I should do.

    I do love him, and I feel as if I will never meet someone like him, whom I connect intellectually so well with. But I want his happiness, and want him to be the person he wishes to one day become, should I break up in order to grant us this independence and novelty we crave? I don’t know what to do.

  65. Hey Grace, my name is Emma. :) I recently discovered your blog, and I love everything you post. I’m in love with japan and I hope I can visit there someday. I even have textbooks from my cousin on how to learn Japanese :3 I also read your blogs about your long distance relationship with Ryosuke. I love your tips because I’m also going through a LDR. We’ve been at it for a few months now, but we’ve known eachother for years. His name is Kyle. We dated around the time we first met, which was like two years ago, but it feels like forever. we dated for many months, but things didn’t go well, so we broke up. I started dating another guy, Jacob, and we acted like best friends. I thought he was the one. Sadly, I wasn’t handling the long distance very well, so we broke up. It took a lot out of me because I loved him so much and thought he was the one, but things changed.

    It was difficult for us for a while, but we slowly became better friends. During that time right after we broke up I was very depressed, and felt like nothing would make me feel better. But Kyle, whom I stayed friends with, was there for me, even though he couldn’t do much and didn’t like Jacob. Kyle still loved me. I didn’t know what to do anymore. Soon, I had three guys who were in love with me, and it just drove me crazy, because even after having relationships I still couldn’t believe anyone would like me (I have low self-esteem). It was hard for me to choose, and turn some of them down, but I had to think about who I was in love with, or if I was even in love at all.

    It took a few months, as I tried to find myself, and I realized my heart was with Kyle. Even though we were broken up, he still cared about me a lot, and wanted what was best for me. I started to fall in love with him all over again. It started to kinda show that I was in love with him, but I wanted to wait to tell him until summer began. We started to be a little affectionate towards eachother, and over time I loved him more and more.

    One day, I was really depressed (I don’t remember why), and I was more upset than normal. I think I was upset about my heartbreak with Jacob. I seriously felt like I lost my heart, and I believed nothing would fix it. Kyle was there for me and comforted me in his way whenever I’m upset, but something clicked, and something was different. I, for some reason, felt better than ever, and felt so happy (idk why this happened because it was like usual). And I thought, that maybe, he fixed my heart. I was so happy he gave me a different reason to cry, happy tears. He told me that he was happy because I was happy. I then started telling him my feelings. He told me that he still loved me to, and I told him that I was gonna wait to tell him my feelings, but that I couldn’t. We were then back together again.

    I still get upset about the long distance, but after going through everything, I’ve gotten stronger, and realized that things will get better as long as we try hard enough. I’ve started to be more hopeful, and try to find solutions to our problems, and our relationship is great.

    Also, all of this has been going on via Skype and text. I’ll tell you, I’ve never actually met him in person, even Jacob. We try to Skype, but we don’t know what to talk about, and sometimes it’s hard to hear eachother (crappy Skype :/ ). But we’re still hopeful and text every day. I believe that someday we’ll get to see eachother, even if it’s years from now. I’m only a junior in highschool, and I know I still have a lot ahead of me, but I’m still hopeful. We try our best, and we would never want anyone else. We don’t wanna break up, and have agreed to try to work our problems out.

    I found your blog because I was trying to find ideas on how to talk to my bf because we dunno what to talk about XD and what to do on Skype. Your blogs are very helpful and are pretty sweet. :) I enjoy them a lot. Thank you so much. I’ll take the advice you post in your blogs

    Sorry for the long story, but I hope you have the time to read it and enjoy it <: )

    (I'm also an artist. ewe)

    • Hi Emma :)
      Thanks for sharing. Wow, it seems like you have had quite a complicated love triangle! I’m glad it’s all working out (at least for now).
      It’s difficult to keep a relationship over Skype, but it seems like both and and Kyle are very committed to each other.

      I hope y’all get a chance to see each other soon (but don’t worry, I know quite a few other couples that weren’t able to see each other for the first 6months – 1year of their relationship).
      Also, awesome that you’re an artist too!

  66. Loved reading this! Gave me some really good insite to what it’s like for others and how to deal with my own! Me and my bf live at least a 6 hour plane ride away and it is tough but I’d rather that than not be with him at all!

  67. Hi Grace, i found your blog while i googled for a packing list for Mount Fuji. I wish i read this post 2 years ago, before i ended my long distance relationship with my then boyfriend. It’s a great list you’ve put up! Also i find it very sweet and sincere of you to reply to so many (if not all – i’ve just skimmed through the past minutes) comments, thumbs up to you! All the best in everything you do, keep writing x

    • Thanks so much!
      Good luck climbing Mt. Fuji (this summer?). It was really hard – but totally worth it.

      And, I mean, LDRs are a lot of work. Both my husband and I had failed LDRs under our belt before we tried with each other~
      Thanks! I try really hard to reply to everything~

  68. thank you so much for sharing your experience! i have been on a long distance relationship for 6 weeks now (i know is not much yet), but i want so much to make this work and am trying to find informaiton about it. again, thanks for sharing :)

  69. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now, I’m from Mexico and he’s from Germany, he came here to study just for a year and now it’s time for him to come back.. we are really in love and the idea of breaking up it’s impossible, we are gonna do long distance but we are not gonna be able to see each other a lot, maybe 2 times a year because of the expensive cost of the tickets, i drop him in the airport today and i won’t see him until april.. it’s one of the hardest thing i’ve done.. i’m really scared that we fall out of love but i have hope! reading this makes me have more faith, thank you :)

  70. Anonymous // 22 July, 2014 at 9:45 am //

    How do you live in Japan? Job? Friends? Family? And japanese working hour is very long. Is it really working like that? I myself my jp bf and we are thinking where to live. I am myself from Finland.

  71. ~Hannah // 16 July, 2014 at 6:22 pm //

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year and he still seems to have trust issues with me and accuses me of doing stuff I haven’t done and constantly claims I am lying, he has my passwords to stuff and he read yet still keeps acting like I have done something :/

    • Ouch. That’s really sad. Did he have problems with trust in previous relationships?
      I’ve always been the more jealous one in the relationship – I know how stressful it can be to date someone with trust issues (even if they have nothing to be worried about).

  72. Anonymous // 16 July, 2014 at 2:29 pm //

    What an amazing story and observations! Thank you so much for writing it. ❤️

  73. Anonymous // 14 July, 2014 at 10:58 am //

    This is so beautiful! Thanks for sharing! I am a student in the UK on student visa and my boyfriend is British. We are now on holiday and apart from each other for 2 months, which is not a problem. And due to visa restriction, I have to return home after graduating in 2 years. We have been together for less than a year but we are in love. We liked each other since we met again at a party. And the feelings now for me is very strong.
    As the job market in the UK is very competitive and not a lot of companies offer work permit, it’s highly likely that i have to return home which is 1000 miles away from England. Everyday I woke up telling myself how this would work, why am I putting myself into this if I have to return home? It’s just dreadful. My bf really wants me to get a work visa and keeps telling me not to worry but I just can;t. I am amazed by how well some of the incredibly LONG distance relationships have worked out so well.

    • I know! I’m always impressed by other LDR couples. It’s so hard…

      Visa restrictions are the WORST. Ugh. It’s just… it’s so hard to figure it all out, land a job, and make it work. Best of luck! I hope y’all are able to find jobs soon!

      • Anonymous // 15 July, 2014 at 8:50 am //

        We talked about visa a lot. Now it’s me who needs to work incredibly hard to get visa, otherwise I will be the one who needs to end this relationship. It’s all so stressful and frustrating. Sometimes I just cry when I think about it. I just realise it’s not literally an equal relationship. I have so much to worry (visa visa visa!) whereas he can just sit down and relax. And it’s more difficult for him to come to my country.

  74. I just found this article and thank you so much, reading this post helped me a lot.

  75. Prettylucky // 13 July, 2014 at 2:09 am //

    Hi! I’m very thankful that i’ve reading all this. I’m doing my long distance relationship for 5 months now. And he going to see me on this November. But what make me worry is that i want to get to live my life with him for a while. I’m planing on doing my master at his country. But how can i make it as a long term stay? I mean what will be happend after 2 yeaes of my study? What kind of chioce do we need? Or what should we do? Does marry is the answer?

    Thank you in advance for your reply.

    • It really depends on what country it is. Some countries give you an automatic visa (where you can work, etc) when you marry. Others don’t. Some are easy to get a student visa and (once you land a job) a working visa, so you don’t have to rush into marriage or anything. Some don’t.
      It really depends completely on what country you’re from and moving to.

  76. Mairead // 11 July, 2014 at 7:49 pm //

    Hi! It’s so reassuring to read this! I’m in Ireland and I met my Australian boyfriend four months ago, here, in my hometown. Unfortunately, he returned home last week. It’s reassuring to know that insecurities, trust issues and loneliness are common and it’s not just all in my head! We text and Facebook chat most days but we haven’t skyped yet! I’m due to visit Australia to see him in just a few weeks and I am TERRIFIED that it will all end when I go there! But I want to make it work and am willing to move to Australia to start a new life.
    Thank you for your insights and I’m so happy that it worked for you guys! It makes me hopeful for the future! ❤️

    • Thanks so much for sharing :)
      I hope your visit goes well! It can be a bit scary… but in a good way.

      • Hopefully not too scary Grace! I’m head over heels for this guy, but I only hope his feelings are the same as they were when I last saw him almost three months ago! X

  77. hi i jst inspire by ur words i’m also in long distance relationship..its abt 1 nd half year ago i went to kashmir {india} i saw a b’ful girl nd i felt in love with her aftr sum days i retrn to my native palce delhi {india},bt in ma heart thr is no blood flow its only her yearning flowing in ma vein.aftre sum days i decide to go dre {kashmir} once again even i knw dat is war palace b/w three powerful country {india,pakistan.china} bt i wasnt mind anything or i didnt hav fear to any bomb or any one.i jst went dere alone frst tym in ma life i went dat palace bt i didnt seen dat girl fr sum days,i was sad nd wntd to cum bak home. bt i was so lucky when i saw her frst tym i jst ask her name nd palce whr she living,so i went dere nd i saw her on shop dat was stationry nd she saw me nd ask dat hey u still here, i said yup dan she said hey may i ur guide toady, i was so happy i jst reply yuuup. so we went on ice mountain a b’ful palace dre, nd become gud friend nd nw we r happly in relatiship bt the thing is dat frstly she was ready marry with me or evn to elope with me bt nw frm past few days,she is saying my mom will die if i’ll do this. bt we knw dat we cant live without each other. i als pray to god fr her even i alsws ask to ma dream angel give all the happiest dream to my baby nd make her happy. i jat want to marry her plz sugst me…..nd yeah dre govmnt is too strict they r muslim nd conservative…bt how can my heart undstnd dat dre is no region or religion in love. plz reply

    • Your case sounds difficult. Intercultural relationship are complicated by different religions and government rules.
      I guess both of you need to decide whether you can physically/emotionally be together and if you can, how to do it. One of you might have to move – and families might be opposed.
      If you talk about it enough, though, both of you might be able to come up with a solution together!

      • Thkns fr replyng nd ur suggestion,you knw when i read ur msg i jst call her nd told dat story of your, she wntd to leave her famly fr me bt the main problm is dat her mom is oposing in full swing. her mom said to her if you’ll elope or do any thng lyk dat i’ll kill maself. nw i’m hopeless although we both love humanity other than any religion muslim or Christianity,i dnt knw why ppl still stuck in religion nd bla it better for us to leave our famly????u knw i cant live without her like she is also cant live without me……we want to do court marrige is it okay????plz reply

  78. hi,i’m sry i am nt gud in english bdw ma name is caron i’m in long distance relationship frm past 1 year i jst love her moredan anthng nd she also love me bt nw i have sum bad feelgn dat wehtr is is cheating or ignoring me i dnt knw wht to do…..she come frm muslim conservative famly….plz reply

  79. Every word of this is so true. I’m in a long distance marriage now (that started as a long distance relationship). We met in real life while I was on vacation in Europe, we kept in touch and fell in love via skype, we got married and a year later (thanks to the visa process) he was able to move here to be with me…and then three months after that he accepted a job back in his country. So now we’re long distance again for 5 months, just when I thought we were finally going to be together in real life. Because of his job (he’s a model and actor) he is constantly surrounded by beautiful, single women–models and actresses. 95% of his friends are female, and every time he talks about someone new, I nearly lose it. It’s too much for me to bear at times. I wonder if I’m completely stupid and naive. (Right now I’m in a mega-low phase, as you may have noted). Some times I’m confident enough to get through it all and face the day, other days I feel like I’m crumbling. We’re husband and wife–we’re supposed to have a life TOGETHER and be going through experiences TOGETHER, and instead I have to see pictures of him hanging out with a million gorgeous women, even if it’s completely innocent. It’s like my jealousy isn’t toward any one person or experience in particular, it’s just that he’s doing all of these things with people who AREN’T ME. It’s so hard. But thank you for your blog. It’s spot on.

    • Oh man. That’s got to be tough… It’s so hard to do long distance after marriage.
      I don’t know why, but the LDR I did with my husband (several months after our wedding – nothing big, only like 1 month) was the worst I had ever done. I thought that now that we were married, everything would magically be ok.
      Which totally didn’t happen.

      Jealousy is rough in a LDR. I think you’re allowed to have low points. Just remember he picked YOU and only YOU – despite all those other attractive women around him. You have that special spark :)

  80. Anonymous // 24 June, 2014 at 6:46 am //

    My ex and I were in a LDR relationship and I never understood why he couldn’t continue to be in one. Your situation is a real LDR where you are far away. We were only 2.5 hours away from each other by DRIVING. And I still get so angry that he gave up on us and our love. He even admits that he doesn’t know if he’ll ever feel the same way about another girl and that if it weren’t for the distance, we would still be together. I just don’t believe that proximity is everything and we saw each other twice or once a month. And I can’t help but miss him but also hate the fact that has given up purely because he couldn’t see me as much as we both would have wanted too.

    • Those kinds of relationships are really hard. You’re “close” enough to still be able to see each other (and therefore a lot of people don’t think it’s actually a LDR – even though it totally is), but still “far” enough away that you can’t share those special moments.

      Is there any hope of y’all getting back together after college, if you live in the same city?

      • Anonymous // 25 June, 2014 at 7:23 am //

        I feel like after all we’ve been through. I can’t imagine. It just feels like I’ve been the pathetic person rooting for us and showing us why staying together is beneficial but he just won’t have it. And to me if he doesn’t want me anymore, it just means that I’m not worth it anymore. There was a time when I was his everything and now it’s like he’s a completely different person to me. I’ll always love him but I just see him at the boy who broke my heart and let the “distance” change his feelings. Mine didn’t and I wish his hadn’t either.

      • i’m melanie malawig i have a long distance boyfriend he is from nepal i’m from phillippines any one can help me

    • Hey, Grace it’s me again. Do you remember my story with my boyfriend living in Ankara turkey and that I am trying to study abroad at METU where he is attending? Well I took your advice and things started to get better, but still he seems to only make an effort to talk to me when he needs a favor from me.

      Well, I kind of snapped the other day… After 3 months of not skyping, he was finally the first to ask me to Skype again. I was so excited and changed my plans so I could talk to him. When my calculus class was about to end I told him on Facebook that I would be home in 5 minutes and he was online but then went offline when I messaged him. He was online again when I was home an I told him I was ready and he went offline again. So I waited and waited and I would ask him if he got held up or something and he just would not respond to me. Eventually it ended up the he stood me up. The next morning I got a message that said “sorry” and I got so mad! At that point, since he did not give me a reason why he did not respond to me, I knew he was ignoring me. So I said “you stood me up yesterday and that is all you can say…” And he said “love you”… Are you kidding me?? I told him “Hakan, that’s not going to work this time. It was YOUR idea to skype me and you kept avoiding me when I messaged you! I’ve tolerated a lot in this relationship, but this drew the line for me”

      So…he saw the message but has not responded (btw this all happenned Thursday and yesterday) until just now. He said “so?” So I asked him why he ignored me and idk hen he will respond but idk what to do. yesterday I saw that he was playing games in fb on Wednesday and yet he tells me he doesn’t have time for fb!! I mean if he has time for that, why doesn’t he just give me 2 seconds out of that time to say “hi”? :/ even if he hardly gets in fb he says he doesn’t have connection and his phone constantly shows that he has connection.

      But just now I was on fb and he was online and he went offline immediately…again. So my question to you is; what do I do at this point? He has gotten away with a lot of stuff and asks for so many favors all the time and makes excuses when I ask for something. I felt that at this point he cannot be doing this to me. I’m waiting for him to say something to me and If I can see that he is truly sorry, I will kindly explain why I got so upset (all the bundled up stuff I just said). And if he is willing to make more of an effort to make things better then I will give him a chance but, it just seems like it will always be me doing everything for him with nothing in return.

      Now don’t get me wrong, I would do anything for him and I have, and he knows that ( I tell him all the time). But it’s rarely ever reciprocal. It seems like it’s a burden when i ask for anything (such as a picture of him or to Skype me goodnight). He acts like I’m asking for a pint of blood or something. But when he wants a favor he wants it immediately no matter what I am doing and I do it. I guess I have been so blinded by this love that I do not see that maybe he is taking advantage of me. Do you think that is the situation, Grace? I’m not a pushover but I love him so much that I’d do anything for him and I feel like either I should have not done those things so easily or he used my blindness to his advantage. What do I do Grace? Please help :'(

      • … This is difficult because I’m a firm believer of the fact you can’t have an unequal relationship. It seems like whoever cares the LEAST in a relationship usually “wins” and has all the power.

        In this case, your boyfriend has all the power.
        Nothing you do or say an influence or change his behavior – and I think it’s not safe/healthy for you to stay in a relationship with him.

        I know that sounds harsh – but it’s not fair for you to be in a relationship with someone that makes you feel that way and obviously doesn’t respect you enough. Saying “I love you” doesn’t make things better.

        I recommend taking a 1 month “trial” break-up/break. I’ve known a lot of couples who have done that (some do get back together).
        No communication, no talking, no nothing for a month. Then Skype when the month trial is up and decide where to go from there.

        Hopefully it will teach him to appreciate you more. Or you can get used to being without him/worrying about him.

        Does that make sense? No matter how much effort you put in the relationship, if he isn’t willing to work for it, you can’t have a happy relationship.

        • Anonymous // 29 June, 2014 at 1:21 pm //

          Yes that does make sense. I agree with the break, it was my first idea but I needed your word first. My problem is that he does want to skype tomorrow but i don’t know how to tell him. I mean I guess all I can say is that as of now I feel so miserable. But idk how to tell him so he will not get mad and he could instead take this seriously and really think about this decision with the break. The last thing I want is for him to get offended and to be mad throughout this break. Also he has my fb password and he didnt give me his. I told him that I trust him but now it just makes me wonder what he is keeping from me. I know there is a chance that he is being faithful but still there is always that negative influence.

          I honestly doubt he will make time to skype me tomorrow but either way I still need to get my thoughts heard. When he responded he said he was studying and that’s why he don’t respond yet he was already on fb!! There have only been two times where I messaged him out of insecurities that he would find another girl and both times he got mad instead of comforting me like Ryosuke did for you when you got worried. When I would ask him if he could talk to me a little more in the week, the conversation would always end with me having to deal with it and I never get my story and point accross but he does. I told him that he has no reason to be so mad because at least I am telling him what I am feeling instead of pretending that I am ok when I am not, but it seems like he would rather me do that. But honestly, I am planning that whether things are ok with us or not, I still want this break. I think I need it more than anything and it has been a while since I have done something for myself. I feel like I am getting nothing out of the relationship and he has everything. So you are right. I will let you know how it goes. Wish me luck :/

  81. Jennifer // 23 June, 2014 at 4:41 pm //

    It’s true that i do not want him to be feeling that I have been stalking on him, but I do really hope that he see’s it in a different way by I want to talk things out with him instead. I did texted him, and I do know that he did read my messages and now all i could do is just to wait for him to text me back. I have booked my tickets which is in another 3 weeks time and I thought of telling him only when I hear back from him. However I am afraid that what if he’s not going to say anything or reply me… And I do know the only chances that I can figure it out is when Im there and to see if he is willing to talk to me.

  82. Hi Grace,

    I have been in a LDR for 9 months now with a girl i met through my brother’s girlfriend. When we started dating i felt she was the best out of all girls out there and i enjoyed every moment i spent with her or even called her and we would talk for hours on the phone. I moved to China for my studies and i made a decision with this girl that i want to keep her for my marriage and make her my wife. the first 4 months apart was quite endurable. I managed to visit her back to my country after those 4 months and spent two months although we couldn’t see each other often in my country we would still communicate very much via phone and when we met we would enjoy every moment. I came back to China again for studies, and i don’t know what happened through her friend she told me to help out with her applications to come and study in China, but later she started giving me one word answers and sort of was avoiding me. This made me feel like she was seeing someone, so one day i told her friend that i couldn’t talk to her anymore and i made my gf aware of this. She kind of brushed it off but we had many fights and i once opted out and we talked about it and back into the relationship.

    So this kind of signs of one word answers continued however after trying to resolve things she still didn’t seem interested. I love this girl much but she not communicating with me makes me feel she’s up to something bad. I try to understand she’s a student nurse and i’m doing my masters, so she’s so busy and i’m usually free. The best mode of communication we use is via whatsapp and skype is hard to use for my country with poor connections in network. I feel that she is still hurting and probably she is already giving up on me and im in a state of thinking that should i try my best or just let her go. But in my heart i love the girl so much and i wish there was a way i could show it to her and maybe she could understand i could never hurt her.

    I am a person who like to text a lot and she’s just replying with one word answers and mostly “ok”. this puts me a hard position on whether to talk with her or just let it be. i so want to be with this girl and i don’t think its a good idea letting her go. I have thought of a good gift for her birthday coming up this month end, maybe she can know my commitment.How best can i get her back to be interested in me. Im stressed, lonely, scared and always worried most times, is this being safe in the relationship.

  83. Anonymous // 21 June, 2014 at 4:43 pm //

    You are nuts to move in with her. if you cant afford your own apartment, find a room you can afford and if you want to continue dating her go on. Find other job and pray she finish school. You both are not ready for living in together.

  84. Jennifer // 20 June, 2014 at 6:44 pm //

    Thank u for your advise and I’m amazed of how things end up with you and your husbandand you guys are such a sweet married couple. I do not know if he’s willing or not as I thought of giving him a surprise and show up myself in front of him. It’s soon to be 2 weeks that both of us have kept silence and I did called him once, however he did not respond to any of my call or text a week ago. So i thought it would be the best just to wait for him to come back to me.

    • Generally, I think surprise visits always end badly. I mean – sometimes they work out – but for the most part if the other person isn’t expecting you, they might not be able to take time off work/school to hang out with you. And it’s really easy to be seen as “stalkerish” if you just show up after a fight (even though y’all are in a relationship, being in a LDR makes things “different”).
      Does that make sense?

  85. Jennifer // 20 June, 2014 at 3:47 pm //

    I did thought of fighting for this, at least giving a chance for myself to fight for something before giving up easily just like that. I know that people might think im being so dumb for sacrficing so much for him just to fly all the way to the states and to figure things out between us, but i was thinking at least i did try my best and I will respect whatever decision it is if things do work out or not. Even if he thinks that LDR will not work, I wouldn’t mind to be there with him if he thinks he is ready to take this to the next level. Please do let me know your thought on this and should I?

    • I never think it’s dumb to be willing to sacrifice a bit for something you think is important (in this case a LDR). Of course both my husband and I gave up quite a bit to ensure we stayed together through the distance – which cumulated in me moving to Japan instead of getting a job in America.

      And I totally get wanting to fly over there an clear stuff up. If he is willing to talk about it and make it work, you def should.
      But if he’s not willing… then it’s hard. Does that make sense?

  86. Jennifer // 19 June, 2014 at 7:48 pm //

    Hi Grace,
    I have this issue that my bf seems to be giving up on this long distance relationship, we knew each other since Feb 2012 and till I went home to my own country last year July 2013. Everything was great and we put in so much hope in this LDR. We did try our very best to make things work and also for our future about marriage and kids. And now soon to be a year and i couldn’t ask for more that I’m hoping things will work out for us.
    We used to have small arguments and fight and we know its not easy to deal with especially in LDR and we will give each other some space. We talk things out and we do cherish and looking forward for our future. And just a week ago, he mentioned that he thinks we should break up and he said it isn’t fair for me as he doesnt know what he wants. I do not know how to react but just being very positive and told him how great it is right now that how much we have put into this to make things work out. I know its not easy and LDR is rough, however I want to fight for this relationship and to be with him. We have not talked since after that and I thought to give him space to let him think what’s the best for us. I did called and text him but with no respond and its hard for me right now to go through this. I do want to see him so badly and talk to him, however Im afraid that by surprising him and shows up will freak him out. Please do let me know what should I do and I can’t afford to lose him.

    • It’s really difficult to be in an unequal relationship (especially in an LDR). It seems like whoever cares the least holds all the power.

      I’m sure he still love you (and both of you still have strong feelings for each other), but sadly you cannot make someone keep a relationships. If he wants to “let go,” you have no way of making him “hold on.” It’s sad – but that’s one of the most frutrating parts of a LDR.

  87. Oh my gosh, this brings me so many emotions. First of all, thank you for posting this. My boyfriend and I wanted to stay together over the summer while we’re both back home from college, but it’s so weird not having him around! We’ve gotten so close the past year and a half or so that we’ve dated, and I miss him terribly even though it’s only been like 3 days. I’m mostly worried about not being able to Skype, since he doesn’t have internet. We decided to stay in contact and text everyday, call each other at least twice a week and send each other letters. We’ll only be apart for almost 4 months, and he says he thinks we can do it, but I’m still worried. I know we’re both committed to making it work, but it’s just gonna be so hard. Everyone says Skype is great, but we probably won’t have access to it and may not be able to visit each other either. In your opinion, is there any hope?

    • I think there is always hope. No one else knows your relationship like you do – so it’s difficult to get “real” advice from others. By being in a LDR, you might miss out some “college experiences” – but being with your soul mate often makes it worth it.

  88. Hi Grace your LDR story is very inspiring. Thank you for sharing this to all of us who are experiencing the same situation like you had before when you guys are still a couple. I am also in an LDR with a guy i meet online. Yes it not the the usual ldr because we havent seen each other yet but we cant deny the fact that we are crazy in love with each other. We just click in everything, so after countless of skype, chat and text messages, we started to fall for each other. I live in the philippines and he is canada. We talk everyday. Like you, im also thinking of quitting my job and moving to canada. He means a lot to me and i am to him. I never thought i could love this strong. He is a wonderful and awesome guy. I would agree LDR is not for the faint of heart.Jealousy and trust are really a big issue. Sometime he would tell me i need to look for someone else here that can be here for me physically but i would constantly remind him i dont need anyone else and he is the only person i want to grow old with (he already asked me to his wife). It is really difficult to be away from him. One time we had argument (jealousy again), we didnt talk to each other for the whole day.At midnight he called me, he was crying. We decided this argument is useless. He said his love for me is bigger than this arguement. I cried. LDR is really not easy at all. We are still in an LDR as of now and growing stronger each day. Yes there are difficult days but its i believe its all worth it.

    • I’m so glad your LDR is working out. It’s hard – especially if y’all don’t get that time together before LDR – but I know a lot of couples that got together in a similar way. Best of luck!

  89. Charlotte // 11 June, 2014 at 11:02 pm //

    Hi! I’m so happy I’ve found this blog, everything you wrote means so much to me! I’d really love some advice or just some words of wisdom from people who understand because although family and friends are always there for support, it’s hard to understand a LDR situation unless you’ve had one. Well, my boyfriend and I met a year ago at a festival in England (we’re both English but I live north and he lives south, roughly 200miles/3.5 hours away from each other) we’ve not ever gone a day without speaking since we met and see each other most weekends, which I know is extremely lucky for a LDR (from previous experience, I was once in a relationship with a soldier who was deployed for 6 months to afghan… Anyway that’s a different relationship) although I see him most weekends I really struggle with this distance and I know it won’t be forever but it’s going to get wees before it gets better because I’m starting Uni in September to be a student nurse and he is joining the navy. I just keep feeling so depressed thinking about the near future and how hard it’s going to be, I know he is my soulmate and that this is really serious, and I know he feels the same so “backing out” really isn’t an option, I just don’t know how to get through the next 3 or 4 years. I already feel better just for being able to get all this out my head and into the open, thank you.

    • Hi Charlotte,

      Thanks for sharing.
      I think it’s really awesome that y’all have managed to stay together (as soulmates) even though the future seems uncertain. Doing a long-term LDR with no set end date is crazy-frustrating. I don’t have much advice, because you probably know more about this than I do, but I wish y’all the best of luck!

  90. Hi! My boyfriend for 20 months and I have been in long distance relationship since Dec 8, 2013. Man! This is the hardest thing ever! I just miss him so much that it hurts. I originally planned to come home this Dec 17, 2014 but I cannot help it anymore. I want to see him, want to be with him. Something in me wants to know if our relationship is still the same. If the feelings are still the same or stronger. So guess what? I am planning to come home this July 27, 2014. Yes, 47 days left and I will see him again. I just hope that my boss and the HR manager will allow me to take my annual leave this early.

    You know what? This is the first time I went beyond like this for someone. Just because I love him so much. Truly appreciate your posts about long distance relationship.

    I’m praying that if I see him again – I hope nothing’s change.

  91. OH MY GOODNESS. The very beginning of your relationship is my life. Just 5 months after my Guatemalan boyfriend and I made it Facebook official, we was on his plane back home. And we have been long distance for a month, and it is insanely difficult! I’m going to Guatemala for a week before I go and study abroad for the fall in Rome. We are both extremely scared, but have the faith that is stronger than our fears. I love your story because it gives me great hope! I know Edwin and I can do this…. Thank you so much for sharing :)

    • Best of luck! I really hope y’all have a great visit and are able to work through/talk through your fears! As the world gets “bigger” (and “Smaller” too, I guess), it’s a lot easier to fall in love with someone who lives really far away. But it’s not the end of the world. LDRs can work! Good luck!

  92. ivette almeraz // 8 June, 2014 at 7:40 am //

    Hello Grace, your story is amazing. I as well am in a long distance relationship, we are married and have a beautiful baby boy. Since we have been married ive spent more time in the u.s than in his home country with him due to many events. I’ve only been a total of 5 months physically with him. Its been tough, ive been here since November because we both decided it would be best that our first baby boy be born in the us. I have always felt that I could trust him, because i believe that trust is important in a relationship, so we never had any issues with that. The first time I left the u.s to see him we were so excited, we had actually rescheduled from june to march cause we were so anxious to see eachother, I even sacrificed my university. When I arrived he introduced me to everyone of his friends and people he hung out with, and our communication had always been transparent, he’d tell me what he’d do, he would always be honest with me and etc. Just that this time that ive stayed, I feel things are a bit different, we have less communication, he says its cause of his job, he works 9-7 and hes been getting small jobs out of his regular one, due to that weve had very little communication. He hasn’t been as open this time around, and its been kinda stressing me out, I made friends and have family over there that have been telling me things as in seen him do certain things, but im not sure what to believe, I recently had this talk about wanting him to be a bit more open because things can be misunderstood. With him being so far away and with a colorful past its kinda hard to trust him even if hes changed. Id like him to understand me, but he says he feels as if hes always being watched. I have to admit that he has always been very sweet to me, he has always provided for us, and has made it clear that I am the most important to him as well as our son, but I guess its just me with trust issues I cant get over. Any help or advice would be appreciated, thank you

    • I think no matter how wonderful the relationship is, trust is always a difficult subject in a long distance relationship. Of course you trust each other, but it is difficult when you live so far away and you have to take care of your son.
      Do you have any hope of closing the distance soon? (either you moving to him or him moving to where y’all are?)

      It’s great that y’all have thought so far in advanced and work hard to provide for the best future, though. Best of luck!

  93. Charles Mugaviri, Jr. // 5 June, 2014 at 2:04 am //

    I love your article. My 2 year relationship with my girlfriend has been long distance for 4 months now, and things are getting really rocky. She recently started feeling like I was being too pressuring, messaging all the time and wanting to know, where she was and with who, and sorts. Two nights ago she then told me she was getting used to life without me, and was starting not to miss me much, and then she said she wanted to split.

    At the same time she has been saying to my friend she is nervous about seeing me again and feels she doesn’t love me the same anymore. I tried to tell her that maybe it is the distance, and we just need to give it a wait until I come back home in a week’s time. I do admit I have been pressuring her, and I feel terrible that I left her in the first place to start with. It was for work, but it really has made this a rough phase in our relationship.

    Yesterday I told her I will take a week until I return to work on my issues, because I want us to work. So now we aren’t talking as much. How can I work things out with her, and what’s the first thing I should do when I fly back home?

    • That sounds rough. It’s hard. I think those kinds of doubts are rather common in a LDR.

      I don’t really know what you should do when you see her. It depends on how she feels – and whether she thinks the “magic” is still there when you see again.
      Does that make sense?

  94. Anonymous // 2 June, 2014 at 10:53 pm //

    My husband has applied for my visa and we are waiting for my visa interview. I will be there in another 3 weeks. I can get to work there so all that part is taken care of. I keep telling my husband if you arent able to skype with me for long then how are you going to spend time with my when i am there? But he promises to give me the best life i have had.. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I know he loves me so much.. Maybe he is different when i live with him.. he has promised to take me anywhere he goes and not leave me back home. He is a scorpio by the way so a little difficult to understand him.

    I have seen him change so much after marriage.. He has a problem letting him emotions.. he feels it will show his weakness.. Maybe he just wants to save up every bit of his time when i am there with him.. We are so much looking forward to be together.. He just announced today that he is coming for our wedding anniversary which is on June 20th.. :)

    I will keep you posted how it goes.. I am happy i found someone to share how it feels to be in a LDR..

    • I hope it all works out!
      It’s important to remember that marriage changes things – as odd as that might sound. I know couples who were together for 7 years before getting married, only to fight like crazy after the “honeymoon phase” ended.

      Even if he is busy with work once you move in together, it is still nice to be able to live with your spouse. And hopefully you will be able to find work!

  95. Anonymous // 2 June, 2014 at 4:54 pm //

    Hi grace,I got married last year and had a courtship of 9 months. He is in the US and i am in india. It has been an LDR right from the start i knew him. Got to know him from the matrimonial website. Fell in love with each other and he proposed me. We got engaged and i started to feel that he is getting distant. We used to skype once in a month at the maximum after my pleading, requesting and finally fighting he used to agree to come on skype. He spends most of the time with friends. We got married(stayed with me for 10 days) and he went back to the US with a promise to come back soon. But its been a year and he finally decided to bring me to the US to stay with him.Now i know that i will get time to be with him.But my journey has been very painfull, frustrating and i cant even discuss tjos with anyone since no one understands the pain i am going thro . Not even my husband. I cant talk to my parents since my mom is a cancer patient and i want her to feel that i am happy.

    I know i am going to be with him very soon.. But this journey has been so frustarting and am having pathetic mood swings. I ask my husband to call me frequently which he does 3 times in the morning and 3 times at night (this is only from past 3 months)and we skype daily for 15 mins ( once and this has been from past 3 months).

    When i ask him to stay on skype with me during weekends for long hours , he simply rejects and dissapoints me. What do i do to make him understand? I tell him upfront that he needs to spend time.. But he only says he will make up when we are together.He thinks about future and i am in the present.

    Its been a year that we met.i tell him sweetly,cry,fight,struggle often with him.But he seems to be like a rock.Instead he asks me to change and be strong and not be emotional about it.. i am going mad..

    • Thanks for your message! Sorry to hear it’s been so rough for you…
      I also think in the future while my husband thinks in the present. I think having a LDR marriage is very difficult because it can feel a bit like you’re trapped – without a way to change.

      I understand that feeling of not being able to talk to friends, though. I didn’t have anyone to talk to either about my LDR problems.

      When will you be back to the US? Do you think the problems will mostly go away when you get there – or will it stay bad?

  96. Anonymous // 19 May, 2014 at 12:44 am //

    Hi Grace,

    I only just discovered your blog, and I’ve been cruising through all of your LDR posts. (Belated) congratulations on the wedding, and thank you so much for sharing your inspirational story with us! It gives me hope that things will work out for me and my boyfriend too, even though our situation is quite different.

    The two of us never actually started a relationship or even dated until we were living in two different countries. We’ve known each other for 3 years, worked together for 2, but it wasn’t until I prepared to leave for my PhD in the US (which will probably take 5-6 years) that we found out that we both had feelings for one another. I blame the need to be professional at work! Anyway, that’s why we started doing long distance from the get-go, for almost 2 months now. I could say that we have an amazing emotional connection, but we are really struggling with the lack of physical contact. The only contact we actually got ever (except unintentional touches) was two hugs on the day before I left, when I was still very confused about why he was giving a more-than-friendly hug! We make do with Skype and chats, but we are both desperate for each other and it’s turning into frustration. This is made worse by the fact that the earliest we could meet is in September.

    I’m not sure if it is harder having been together physically before or not, and how this will affect the way we could cope. But I would still love to hear if you and your husband had found out any way to make this physical issue less painful, if only just a little bit.


    • Hi Lan,

      Thanks for sharing.
      That case is a bit tough because y’all didn’t really get the firm and long physical relationship that most other couples get before going on a LDR. I’m not going to lie, it is really difficult living without the physical stuff – from sleeping alone to after-work hugs.

      I guess what kept us going was the fact that I didn’t want extended hugs/kisses from anyone who wasn’t my husband. If it wasn’t him, I wasn’t interested. I guess that sounds kind of obvious, but what made the distance easier (and the absence of physical contact) was the fact that I didn’t want physical contact with anyone else.

      So it was kind of like being single and celibate – except I knew I had something awesome waiting for me in a couple of months. Does that make sense?

  97. From a long distance newbie to a long distance veteran – I need help.
    I’ve been dating this girl five months long distance, and she’s just changed my entire life. Before her, I was pretty pessimistic, and I told lies very often. Now, I believe that I am the opposite of that. She has made me into a more optimistic person. I smile a lot more often, and I don’t lie to anyone at all, especially her.
    I love this girl to bits, but unfortunately, things have not been going so smoothly. She thinks that I am flirting with other girls. As a student who is in a field where there are hardly any females, I do not regularly have any female interaction. I seldom talk to girls (once a month?) and I would never even consider flirting with them. I am a very faithful person, and even the thought of being with anyone else makes me cringe. I have told her time and time again that I do not flirt with other girls, but she does not believe me. I do not know what to do. I am constantly text messaging her, thinking about her, and we Skype every night. I have told her time and time again that she is the only one for me. I’m crazy about this girl. She means so much to me, and when she thinks I would go ahead and flirt with anyone else, it really confuses me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do because having relations with anyone else is something I wouldn’t do.
    How can I prove to her that I’m 100% for her? How can I help take away her worrying? All I ever want is to be good to this girl.

    • That sounds rough. I mean, it sounds like both of y’all really care for each other – and I completely understand how jealousy issues are getting in the way of your LDR.

      I think the important thing to remember is that jealousy usually stems from personal insecurities. Especially if you don’t really spend much time with other women, her jealousies are probably coming from a deep, personal source (ie, she is scared of losing you, scared of some other girl trying to take you, scared you will betray her, or scared that she somehow isn’t good enough for you).

      There is very little you can physically do to STOP her from worrying.

      But it sounds like you care about her a lot.
      I recommend kind of sort of trying to talk to her (like a LOT) about the things that worry her. For instance, I had a 3 month crazy jealous streak right after my husband and I got engaged. I didn’t like this specific girl that spent a lot of time around him (and we were in a LDR).
      He ended up just sending me his facebook password and login details, so I could “check up on him” whenever I wanted to.
      I swore I wouldn’t.
      But then I did. Like, a lot. It was bad. I couldn’t help it. That went on for a couple of months… and it’s been over a year since I’ve checked his facebook. Once I kind of saw for real he had nothing to hide, I stopped being super-paranoid. Of course, I still get jealous from time to time (I mean, who doesn’t), but it’s not bad. Like at all.

      I’m glad you’re crazy about your girlfriend. It sounds like she has nothing to worry about.

  98. lonelysky // 14 May, 2014 at 4:36 pm //

    I have been LDR 4months now. Bcos my bf had moved to another place for internship. Thing are still going well now. Cos we are still in the same country n he visited me every month. He text me everyday, call n skype. But recently we has some problems. His parents live in the US is trying to get visa for him to live with them. Now we both are in Asia. Mayb 1 year more he can go to US with them. Things start going complicated. He said if things are going well with him at there he ll come to take me. But it need 4-5y for him to do it. Can I wait him? He said it okay if I dont want cos he afraid m getting old so I can see other. I don’t wanna break up cos we’ve been together for 3years. We get through many things together. But m not sure if i wait for him. Will he come to take me? Will we still like before? He alw aquite guy. I alw a talkative one. So I dont know what he thinking. He never cheat me in our relationship. But m scare he change after he go to US. What should I do?

    • That’s an honest fear. People change when they go abroad. And if he goes to the US – you have no guarantees he will come back to Asia and marry you/be with you.

      It’s rough. I’m not sure what you should do. Of course, him going abroad does not mean you should break up with him. Obviously, after 3 years, y’all love each other. I guess you just need to have a long, realistic talk about the future and figure out what your long-term plans (as a couple) are. Does that make sense?

  99. Adriana // 10 May, 2014 at 12:12 pm //

    Hi Grace!
    You’re story is absolutely amazing! I am 22 years old, and I have been in 2 long distance relationships before, and I can honestly say they are not easy. I am in my third one now, with a guy I met from my community college. He was only here for a year and now he is back in Ankara Turkey. He is a student at Middle East Tech University and he is studying to be a geology engineer. METU is an incredibly hard school and he is sooo devoted to his studies. But he is so devoted, that we barely say a word a week. We have been together for 4 months and at first he would CONSTANTLY talk to me and if I did not get to respond to him in an hour, he would miss me so badlyyy! He would constantly tell me that he wanted to marry me and wake up in the same bed as me and have children with me. Honestly, I thought it was too much at the time. But as the months went by, the talking time would decrease (by talking, I mean facebook messages and skype). Now we barely say a word a week and I start EVERY conversation. I do not even get a “good morning” or “goodnight” message nowadays!! He claims that the internet over there is bad and that he is super busy with school. My birthday was last week and he did not even remember! I mean you don’t even need internet to save someones birthday on your calender. I even tried to give him hints to see if he would remember but he did not. I had to remind him the next day. :( He said he was so sorry and wished my a happy birthday (a day later). I asked to skype him a few days ago and he was FINALLY available, and I had to ask him if he even has time for a girlfriend. He asked “why?” and I told him that he just seems too busy and I honestly don’t even feel like his girlfriend anymore. He said he understood my situation, but he plans to be a wonderful engineer and he gets ALOT of homework, and I can tell he is stressed. There have even been points where he would desperately ask for me for help with his homework. I just finished my semester so I understand the school stress, but it’s not like there is NO time whatsoever to just say “hi”. I told him that I see he follows people on twitter a lot yet, he doesn’t spend that internet time to talk to me. He said that his brother uses his twitter, so I trust him on that. But he even said that he doesn’t get on facebook a lot anymore, yet I constantly see that he is online or was online a few minutes ago! During the beginning of the relationship he asked if I could come to Ankara to see him, and I’m sure my parents would be way to scared to let me go alone to Turkey. I have been interested in METU and always look at their biology YouTube videos when I am stumped on something in my biology classes (as I am a bio major) so I would love to study abroad there. But like you said, it is a lot of money to travel. Would it even be worth it for me to try??? He would be the main reason I would ever go, but it’s like now we barely talk and obviously he has the internet connection and has means of getting on facebook but it’s like he doesn’t chose to savor that time with me anymore. If he doesn’t have the time now, it seems like he STILL won’t have the time for me if I went there. Even now, I just checked fb, and he was online an hour ago and it is 9pm here and 5am there. Why is he up this late? And he would have no business on fb unless he was talking to someone and it’s obviously not me…Idk what to do. I feel like I am constantly worried and always talking to him about this topic and he seems to get agitated now. Should I just give him space for a few weeks? Or should I just end it? I asked him if he still wants to be with me and he said yes, but he was very frustrated and said “I told you 100 times” yet we don’t even speak 2 words a week so there is no way he said he still wants me”100 times” I have only asked him that question like 2 times! I’m guessing this is a bad sign or am I worrying too much??? I think about him everyday and send him a nice message every day to let him know that I am thinking of him and missing him and that I wish him luck on his studies. He just says “thank you baby, me too”. He doesn’t even say “I love you” anymore he just says “me too”. I feel tempted to just confront him about how constantly I see him on Facebook and that I feel like we need a break, but I need your advice first. What do you think is happening and what should I do??

    • It’s difficult to tell.
      On one hand – he really might be swamped with work and feels unable to call/talk to you so much (especially when he’s stressed) because he only wants you to see the good side of him.
      Or he might not feel the same way about you anymore.

      But I think it’s impossible to tell.
      Recently my husband started a new job. He was a training for a month in a different prefecture in Japan – I would stay up all night so I could talk to him – and even so, it was only a “hi, I love you and miss you” for 10 minutes every other day (if I was lucky). It was really rough on me.
      But I learned 3 weeks in, it was even rougher for him.

      He came back from training and we moved into our apartment together. Now everything is well. His feelings were the same – he was just so frustrated and overwhelmed by the work load he didn’t have time to just “chat” with me like he used to.

      I wouldn’t read too much into the Facebook thing. It’s probably just a misunderstanding/ technical problem.

      And yes, it does take money to travel, but if you think this guy might be “the one” than a visit to his country might re-fuel the passion between y’all. I’ve found LDRs are a lot easier in the weeks/months following a visit.
      Anyways, those are just my thoughts.
      Let me know what you decide!

      • Adriana // 11 May, 2014 at 2:22 pm //

        You are absolutely right, Grace! I have been letting my worries turn me into something I would NEVER want to be. The last thing I would ever want my boyfriend to feel is that I need to be his priority. I never wanted that in the first place but it seems that way! It’s just so hard with the fact that I constantly miss how much we would talk before, but it was earlier in our semesters so we didn’t have too much school stress going on. But now that my semester is over, (and all of the end of the semester stress is done for me) and his is coming to an end in June, he has alot on his plate and he even got sick from all the stress. I have just been too scared with the possibility that he could be losing interest in me because that has happened in every relationship I have been in. I would be devastated if that was the same case with him and that has made me so worried. I just wish that it was easier to tell if that was the reason or not. But if anything, I need to remember that I chose him for a reason and he chose me for a reason. I finally met someone I have so much in common with and that loves me the way I always wanted someone to love me and I cannot let my imagination break us apart. I plan to give him the time he needs to finish off his semester well, and to send him sweet messages now and then. Once his semester ends and if there is still no improvement on the communication I guess that will be the way for me to know if he is losing interest. Other wise, I am sure he will talk to me like before once his classes are done. My other problem is that I still live with my family and my parents are BEYOND over protective. They treat me like I am still a child and I am 22! I just have no idea how to break it to them that I would want to study and METU with him. I know they would immediately say no because when I even bring up that I would like to go to Turkey, they change the subject! They know I am old enough to make my own decisions but they still feel like they can control my decisions and my freedom. If I move out THEN I could make my own decisions but my sister is 24 and still lives with us too and when she told them that she wanted to get her own apartment, my parents broke down like crazy!!! My mom cried for that whole weekend and her and my dad were making up the most ridiculous scenarios as to why she would want to move out. They took it so personal that she was sick of them, but I mean a bird has got to leave the nest! They do not want us to move out until we are married. But I mean I want to study in Turkey and hopefully become a parasitologist there or anywhere else but Houston. I love it here but I want to go somewhere else for grad school :/ So as you can see there are alot of obstacles. I know that even if I told them I would go, whether they would want me to or not, they’d follow me to the airport and stop me. At this point I am willing to do anything to be with him and to study at METU but is there anything you suggest to make the issue with my parents easier???

        • I think you’ve made the right decision about your relationship. It’s wonderful that you can be so supportive – I’m sure he really appricates that. Hopefully it is just stress, and y’all will be back to “normal” soon.

          As for the parents… I actually don’t know what to say.
          I mean, I’m 21, married, and living in Tokyo. My parents live in Africa. I went to boarding school at 15 (I wanted to) and haven’t really lived with them for longer than a couple of months (in the summer) since then… I love them to death, but I wanted to “leave the nest” at 15.
          Even when I studied in Japan for 15 months (back when I was 19) or got engaged at 20; married at 21, they didn’t have any oppositions.

          I think it all comes down to “trust” and self-worth. I’m not sure if your parents are so overprotective because they don’t TRUST you and your sister (it’s possible – or they don’t trust the rest of the world to treat y’all nicely).
          However, it’s also possible that your parents don’t have an identity without their children. I’ve seen that a lot. Some parents get over-attached to their children because they derive their identity from their children and can’t bear the thought of being “alone.”
          Not that anything is wrong with that – I mean I can get parents being a little scared to lose their children – especially with all the problems going on in the world.

          But at the end of the day, it is your life (not theirs). You’re 22 – you can do whatever you want. But you run the risk of alienating your family (both emotionally and financially) if you decide to move out.

  100. Thank you for writing this!! Me and my boyfriend of almost a year are about to enter this whole long distance thing and it was really comforting to here that there are people out there that really make it work. You guys are so inspirational and this was great to read to know what is to come!

  101. Hi,

    I have just started a long distance relationship with someone in Tokyo (I am in Ireland) and googled long distance relationship when I was having a bad moment of missing them and worrying for the future. This post helped a lot! I am coming back to Tokyo for the month of June but worried that will put strain as I know nobody there but him and my family do not want me to go.

    Following my heart…what will be, will be!

    thank you for this post x

    • I’m glad this post helped :)

      That’s wonderful you’re coming to Tokyo! I hope y’all have a wonderful visit.

      As for the family… There are no guarantees in relationships. I thinks it’s awesome you’re brave and trying. I wouldn’t worry about not knowing anyone in Tokyo. I never have problems :)

  102. Marley // 4 May, 2014 at 1:37 am //

    Hello Grace,

    I want to thank you for sharing your experience. I am working on a two year LDR, I love my boyfriend with all my being. He is the man I have wanted to meet all my life. But, my frustration, isolation, lack of a support system, everyday life, stress, etc. Has brought me to such loneliness that I would not wish on my enemy. I trust him and he feels the same. But, lack of communication has driven me to the verge of breakup. No matter how much I tell him how I feel it seems to fall on deaf ears, a silent mouth or a blank stare. He works far more than he communicates with me. This began just recently as he prepares to move to my location. But, he just seems to ignore me. He always says he will try but I never see it. I have spent lots of money to call, I email, skype. I do whatever I can do to show him I care and love him deeply. But, he doesn’t reciprocate the same. He doesn’t communicate well or express his feelings. It seems when I get angry or complain he avoids me like the plague. It has been two weeks since I last spoke to him. Just this morning I noticed he was on google but he quickly logged off. Probably because he thought I would try to video chat. But, I had no intention because I am drained. I feel he should make the effort. But, he lacks experience with women because the past few left him. I am the first and longest relationship he has ever had. Now he is about to lose me and it seems no matter what I say. I feel as if I am the only one crying and experiencing such emotional distress. I am feeling that I should give up because he has not responded at all. It just seems so vastly different from his words and the times we have been together. I am struggling and deathly afraid of dating because it is difficult. I am not in my twenties but you would not know that I am my age. I have put up a dating profile out of loneliness and confusion. But, I never expected much response. I have no interest in dating I want to save the relationship I have but I don’t know if I have the patience or tolerance to do so. It seems that he just wants to bury himself in work and avoid me. So that is my story, I have no advice for anyone because I am still trying to figure out if there is anything left to try and salvage. He has responded previously in shock about my feelings. As if it is something in my head, he does not recognize the behavior that keeps him a single man. He is in his 30s so time isn’t on his side. He has expressed a desire to have a marriage to me. But, I have been married and the behaviors that led to the destruction of a 10 yr marriage are showing up in my relationship with him. I am so tired, sad, lonely and isolated in a new city that I accepted employment in to start my new life. But, I can only see me in my present space and the future. Help me if you can.

    • That sounds rough. You obviously have much more experience dating than I do – so I’m not sure how much advice I can give.

      I have been on that side though- my husband and I had to do long distance for a month and a half when he started working. He was tired; I was lonely and miserable.

      Starting a new job will completely change the details of your relationship. Things that never seemed important (time, isolation, communication) start to tear holes in even the most stable relationships.

      You deserve to have someone there for you. I don’t know whether your relationship is really broken or if this a short term problem.
      But you do deserve to have someone who appreciates and works alongside you in the relationship.

  103. Hi Grace
    Thanks for your reply. Yes it is very good to have someone in LDR and able to understand or connect to you.

    I am sorry to hear you are having an LDR again with ur love one. Am sure you have a solid foundation and a vow to each other. It is very firm commitment and I am very jealous of it. Hopefully he will come back soon.

    Today am back being in blue mode again as we do not txt much. I am on a holiday with friends and he hasnt been in touch.

    I am pretty clueless on what to do. Miss him tho. My friends said – this ‘more than friend’ he asked for is unlikely making me satisfied or getting what i want. The false hope i refer to is this one. Is he trying to keep me? Or am juz taking my side that he likes me and wanna keep talking with a curiosity to find out what can happen so he doesnt completely let me go?

    I wld like to keep in touch tho – juz dont wanna chase him or put a pressure on it. Am sure things happen for a reason. If it is meant to be it will be i think like that.

    Thanks again Grace !!!

    • LDRs are sometimes necessary. I’m not worried – I just dislike being apart all the time. But he gets back next week. No problems!

      Your friends have a point. I doubt the more than friends arrangement will really make you happy… But compared to the alternative if just NOT talking, being more than friends can be better.
      Probably nothing you say can make him change his mind. And he might date someone closer to him. Or you might date someone closer.

      There is so no way to tell what will happen. I guess you just have to go with the flow and see what happens?

      • Hi Grace

        Yes agree with you. The distance is a pain and i think that is the reason he doesnt want to try anymore.

        I gave him a call ystd as i was back from the party and missed him. He was out with friends and we had a few talks. Feeling sad a bit but nth i can do about. He only said he wld gimme a call tmr.

        Flw yr suggestion, go with the flow is kinda difficult for me. I still have the possessiveness and being needy. I still need his attention… Difficult for me to understand this flow…

        • I understand those feelings of needing more… It reminds me of past relationships. It’s hard. I don’t know what advice I can give – it seems like you mostly have stuff figures out.

  104. Anonymous // 30 April, 2014 at 7:14 pm //

    So I know this may sound rather weird to some but I would appreciate some honest thoughts about it. So me and this guy met on He is German while am a Tanzanian. We instantly clicked through chat and because he was a premium member we were able to exchange mails and so we carried on the conversation there. We emailed and phoned for about three months when he asked if we could take the friendship to the next level. I thought this was weird since we had never met before but he said that the relationship would be more committed if we were in an exclusive relationship. He has a history of his ex cheating on him and coz of this he was quite deliberate on the fidelity issue(long story). However I was beginning to fall in love with him and I loved the emotional connection. Btw,at this time, he was (stills is) a student in Uni(he is 28,long story). He said that he would like to visit me in a couple of months after he’d saved for flight tickets and all. But I was still living with my parents so this motivated me to look for a job and luckily I did and I moved out. Problem is he is still a student and therefore he had to work odd jobs in order to pay for the flight tickets so he can come and visit me. I wished I could help but I was just starting on my first job so little cash(also the Tanzanian shilling is quite weak compared to the Euro). So he suggested that he pays for the airfare and that he stays at my place(to save on accommodation/food expenses), which at first I was reluctant to but feeling his genuineness I agreed that he will stay at my place during that period. Now am starting to get cold feet coz he is coming in just a few days from now. I have already told my family about him(except for my parents-they would be mortified!) and some good friends. Am just a little nervous of what it would be like staying with him at my apartment and what if he turns out not the person I expected or we don’t like each other very much in person? And there is nothing much I can do now as the flight is already booked?

    • Thanks for sharing. That’s a bit tricky.
      Regardless of what you might think, though, I do know several couples who met online and the first time they actually “met” each other (face to face, in person) was several years after their relationship started, when one went to visit the other.
      It’s difficult. In all the cases I know, their partner ended up being the exact person they thought they were – so they had a really wonderful visit. Then again, it’s really easy for them to turn out being a sort of “different” person.

      However, at some point, y’all do have to meet. I think while there might be some problems with meeting up so soon – this is an essential step in your relationships. You need to do it sooner or later (especially if you want to progress as a couple).
      Of course you will be nervous, but hopefully it will all work out?

  105. Hi Grace, I like your story and thank you for sharing. I am also in LDR, we just started dating 3 months back and he got a freelance job back in his hometown. We didnt make it official before he left but agreed to try on LDR. But when i asked him on the first month he said whatever makes me happy i could feel like it or tell people about us.

    First month he went back there i thought i handled it well. We have 6 hours time difference and it is very difficult to catch each other on the phone. But he was keeping in touch daily with a short call at night. Then here came the new project where he took over the weekends. Then the sweet moment is gone. We managed to chat for long hours only for sat/sun then he is back at work. I started calling him first a few weeks before when i was in beijing but didnt want to keep it as a routine. He sounded happy when I called btw.

    Then we spoke about my trip visiting him in Europe (my work is based in Asia at the moment). He said he wanna sort out his work so he could make my trip worth coming. I told him i could do sightseeing alone – but he said if he gotta start working early in the morning and back home late. It is bad and he wanna spend time with me too. So he asked me to give him sometime to figure it out and the meantime I can go forward for visa application.

    Yet he is being less sweet than before. No gdmorning or gdnight text. No kisses or sweet talks in text too. However if i said i miss him on the phone he will say missing me back too. When i said that i feel the distance he told me it was because of his work. He said he was sorry and will try closing the gap. I took it – thought it is a very kind of him.

    Last weekend i told him about this again and he said he will try reminding himself that – on greeting texts. It could not help thinking that – before he could do that just fine but not now. What’s the change? Am i overreact or overthinking?

    Need your advice on this. Cleo

    • Hi Cleo,

      Thanks for the message. That’s hard.
      I think one of the hardest things in a LDR is if one person suddenly gets busy with work. I was usually the busy one (leaving my husband sad and lonely), but recently the tables have been flipped. He has a (wonderful) full-time job that follows the 7am – 10pm thing (because, Japan) and I’m struggling with not getting frustrated and resentful.

      In these moments, it’s so hard to tell whether he is “pulling away” because of work frustrations (like he is a lot more busy and doesn’t have the same “need” to talk to you every day that he did when work was more lax) or if he’s rethinking the relationship. So I can’t tell you which one he’s feeling – sorry.
      I recommend sitting down with him and specifically asking whether he still feels the same. Make a safe space for him to voice concerns (he may or may not have). It’s frustrating that he says he doesn’t want you to visit if he can’t spend time with you – but at the same time, I do kind of understand where he is coming from.
      I don’t necessarily think you’re overreacting or overthinking, though. Communication is your friend. Try to get to the bottom of this issue?

      • Hi Grace

        Had a talk with him last nite and got my answer. I was bugged by him telling me to call but missed the chance. So i called him back before bedtime. Andhe said ‘couldnt remember to txt everyday’. That came to the urge to speak. So i told him i wanna talk and we did have a talk when he got home.

        I asked if we were dating and or if i was wrong. Asking him what his thought about us. And he said he doesnt want LDR as it doesnt work and he had that experience before. If he wants to commit to a relationship, he wanna be close to his girlfriend. So spend time together with all hugs, kisses and all – which currently it is not the thing he can commit to at the moment OR at least till end of the year because he will not be moving back to Asia.

        My heart dropped totally. I was misunderstanding the whole time so i said that it was unexpected and i told him i was sorry for act such needy. He said he did not feel it at all and thought it is kinda nice that he has my attention. Very nice when i said i like him, when we talk on the phone, get my text and all sweet stuffs.

        So i asked him if he wanna be friends. He said he does not want that because he likes me more than friends and he wants to keep this talk on going – and let’s see what’s happened next. It is too early to tell or walk himself down the road when he doesnt know where it leads too. It is too much painful for LDR by not seeing each other everyday or whenever we want to.

        In facts, when he said that i knew he was right. Yet i like him so i said it out loud if there is a chance he could change his mind. He said it is not about me. He wont commit to any relationship at the moment as long as he does not know where his future is.

        I paused for giving myself a time and said to him that we could go by the flow. no pressure. keep talking till we see each other as he plans to revisit Asia in a few months and we can have a thought about “us” again. he agreed to it.

        I also sent him a text on it to remind myself on what i said (which i couldnt believe i said it – i still have no clue what i am going to do with “us” actually). he sent me a text back that it sounds good what i said and sent me kisses like the old days.

        So… I truly believes he means what he said. I just cannot find a proper solution for myself. Do u think he wanna take a step by step to study more of us OR am ignoring the signs here?

        Thanks !!!

        • Hmmmmm, that sounds difficult. I’m glad you were able to talk to him about it, though. I guess there was quite a bit of misunderstanding going on…

          On one hand, I can understand him not wanting to commit to something that may or may not have a future (because it’s hard and can kind of be a waste/impossible to go back). On the other hand, nothing is certain in life. I think it’s kind of unfair for him to completely count out a relationship because of distance. Nothing is guaranteed in life – and unless BOTH of you are willing to take a chance (you obviously are), then having a solid relationship or plan is difficult.

          However, it does seem like y’all are on the same page about feelings. I mean he really does like you and wants to be with you. It’s just the distance.

          It’s difficult to say if you’re missing the signs – I would just say to keep doing what you’re doing, texting, and basically being in a LDR (without actually officially being in a LDR) and see what happens? Does that make sense?

          • Hi Grace,
            Thanks for your advice. Yes it is difficult. I think he may probably want the best of both worlds. Feel like he wants the freedom of not making the commitment but still keep in touch with me. I take it when you said it is just the distance – if he could be able to live in Asia maybe he could have committed on a r/s.

            Also feel like after we had a talk he becomes more comfortable on his expressions. I took steps back by being less chatty. Yet he sent me long texts ystd and being sweet again. Honestly I am a lil bit scared of this. I do like him a lot as you can tell. Am not sure if he is into me like I do. My friend said he does – if not he would have cut off the ties completely – but now he wanna have all chats going as it could be something developing… What do u think? Or he juz gave me a false hope?

            I guess all doubts i have willbe sorted out when we get to meet in person then? I truly hope he will see me when he revisits Asia. I sound crazy i know but i do really appreciate your advice. Thankssss !!!

          • You don’t sound crazy!
            I had several problems in my LDR because I didn’t really know who to talk to about things I was going through. It’s difficult to take advice about LDRs from friends who haven’t BEEN in a LDR (even if they normally give great relationship advice).

            Short answer, I think it’s fine to keep talking to him as you are. You don’t owe him anything – you don’t HAVE to be as chatty as you were before, especially because you kind of gave him a choice. He chose not to be in a LDR with you (even thought the feelings are mutual). Whatever comes from that decision (you backing off a it, having less intense texts, or you moving on/finding someone knew) is not your responsibility.
            Like I said, there are no guarantees in love. Things happen.

            You obviously like him, there’s nothing wrong with talking to him all the time because he makes you happy (since that’s hard to find in a man) – but I don’t think that is giving you false hope :)

  106. My boyfriend and I have been long distance for 9 months now, I met him on holiday after he had just moved to the UK from New Zealand, being back in the UK we both live in different places and try and see each other as often as we can. The thing is its so hard to keep in contact with him, he hardly replies or takes hours to reply so usually we will have one conversation a day and it hardly gets away from small talk, I have important things to tell him that are bothering me but how can i? We skype about once a month if im lucky, and its gotten worse. He has just gotten a job as a chef, which is amazing as he loves chef work! But it means he will be working late nights and weekends, the times that I had to see him when I visited. Its got to the point where I miss him so much im crying and because he is so busy I feel he is occupied and doesn’t really miss me. It makes me feel like im being clingy for texting him and wanting to skype all the time. On top of that, he has a two year visa over here, one year of which is almost over, and we haven’t spoken about what will happen when he has to go home. I honestly love him so much, i have never missed anyone or cared for anyone elses happiness over mine before. What should i do?

    • I actually kind of know where you’re coming from. I’m back in a long distance – my husband is in job training in Fukuoka… He works from 7am to like 10pm. It’s frustrating.

      I think it’s really difficult to be in a relationship with someone who suddenly gets a job they love. You want to be happy for them for the job (because really, it’s wonderful)… but it’s so easy to feel neglected. Like, them working all day (and weekends, holidays, etc) gives times for bad thoughts to creep in.

      One of the reasons I threw myself into blogging is so that I don’t get lonely. It’s so easy to get lonely. And then it’s hard on your significant other because they feel guilty for “making you lonely.”

      I think it’s important to have a talk about the future, though. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t like (missing him, finding a second job to occupy your time, working really hard) for a long-term plan. I hope that makes sense.
      Just remember, he probably feels stressed because he can’t talk to you as much as he wants and can feel you getting frustrated. So, like, don’t worry too much.

  107. rajat sinha // 20 April, 2014 at 4:27 pm //

    me and my girlfriend are in a relationship for last 8 months and now she is going away for her further studies to a place quite far away in a month .I want to carry own my relationship with her because i really love her but i am afraid of how i will handle this relationship since we will get to meet for 10-20 days in a year . also i like talking to her all day and in case of LDR ,our communication time shall drastically reduce . i am afraid of these two things and the distance between us two . please tell me how can i deal with my fears and please provide some other advises of handling my feelings well

    • I think, strangely enough, being in a LDR can actually INCREASE your communication time. That’s what happened with my husband and me. I would just be honest with your girlfriend and talk through your fears. She probably (hopefully) feels the same way, so y’all just need a nice, long chat about what long distance is going to change in your relationship and what your long-term plans for the future are.
      Good luck!

  108. Anonymous // 20 April, 2014 at 5:35 am //

    Hey Grace,
    I’ve been following your blog for a while now and I can say my boyfriend and I both relate. He lives in Osaka, Japan and I met him at my university in VA while he was studying English here for the semester. It’s crazy how similar your posts are to what we feel! We’ve been dating for 7 months, 3 of them we spent together.
    I’m wondering though if you could give me some advice. I couldn’t find anything like it on your blog, so I thought I would ask. We have fought almost nonstop after he went back to Japan after visiting me for spring break. It could be anything from historical or cultural differences to my hanging out with my guy friends even though I wouldn’t be alone. I finally got the answer of the problem and he said he just wishes he could protect me and he wants to be with me. Now I understand that but I don’t know how to deal with that. I do everything I can to try and make him feel comfortable but I’m starting to think it’s that he is not truly accepting the long distance relationship. I wanted to ask you if your husband has even felt this way, if so, how did you deal with it?
    Thank you! And thank you so much for these blog posts, they are amazing.

    On another note, my boyfriend saw you and your husband on that “why did you come to Japan” show and we were thrilled haha. You are an inspiration to us, that we can do this. :)


    • Hi Briana,

      Thanks for the message. Wow, there are a LOT of similarities. The short answer is yes, we had several problems doing the distance. It’s weird, because most of the Japanese couple friends I have do long distance at some point in their relationship (without breaking up). My husband said that Japanese couples are a lot more like “oh ok, well, let’s do long distance” than American couples. But yes, we used to fight a lot because of jealousy. His ex cheated on him several times and left him with some somewhat nasty trust issues about cheating, etc, so he would have issues if I spent too much time alone with any of my guy friends. Likewise, I didn’t trust a couple of his girl friends (specific girls). We made a rule – no hanging out alone with the opposite sex (even dinner, homework, etc) after 9pm. If they needed to come over, they needed to bring a friend. No alone time.
      That helped quite a bit with both of our “trust issues.”

      My husband also has this awkward need to “protect me” – pretty similar to your boyfriend. It can be anything from making sure I’m physically safe to making sure I’m not wearing anything to revealing (because he gets sad when other guys check me out). We argue about that a lot…

      Basically, what I’m trying to say is that yes, it happens. And it’s not fun. But we talk about it. I understand that he wants to protect me and he understands that he has no right to limit my behavior. We try to keep an open dialogue so that if something REALLY crosses the line, we both know it.

      PS – Ah, I can’t believe your boyfriend saw that show! That’s so cool!

  109. i am in a long distance relationship and i love my boyfriend. the problem is that we lack communication and it has led me into cheating on him due to my insecurities, temptations and influences. i love my boyfriend so much and i am scared that i have hurt him.. i seriously love him and donot want to lose him but the guilt is killing me. i dont know what to do

    • I think that’s tough. Cheating is one of the things that all LDR couples struggle with – I don’t know what to say to you. I think you owe it to your boyfriend to tell him you cheated… but at the same time, that might end things between y’all. I don’t know what to tell you.

  110. Anonymous // 4 April, 2014 at 4:38 am //

    I love this!! My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for over a year and a half now too! It’s hard but so worth it!! Come by and read my blogs too!

  111. Annabelle // 2 April, 2014 at 11:09 pm //

    Hey there! i happen to chance upon this entry just as im missing my boyfriend terribly. He’s currently in North America right now and I’m on the other side of the world and there’s still a few more years to go before he gonna be back for good so the thought of that sucks really badly :( we do skype everyday but you know sometimes when the moodswings strike they strike hard right :( and people always have the mentality that LDRs will never work out ugh skeptics. but after reading your entry I definitely feel better(:

    p.s you guys are really cute together!

    • Thanks so much~
      I think it’s sad that a lot of people have the mentality that LDRs don’t work out – when a lot of my teachers/relatives/mentors did long distance (sometimes for months or years) and are happily married now.
      I wish y’all the best – especially with Skype. My husband is on the other side of the country for job training right now and we’ve fallen back into the pattern of Skyping every day. Being in a long distance relationship can be exasperating – but fulfilling at the same time…

  112. I just found your blog via huffington post and it’s very inspiring.
    I’ve been dating my bf for 4 years and we’re currently in LDR for past 2 years.
    The first 2 years we’re in same college, we saw each other every day, having breakfast, lunch, dinner. No sexual contact, we’re saving it until we married (we’re so traditional

    • Thank you so much.
      Congrats on four years together (two of those in distance). I have several friends who saved themselves for marriage – and I think that’s very lovely. My husband was my first and my only – no regrets there.
      Good luck with your long distance relationship!

  113. I just found your blog and it’s very inspiring

  114. My boyfriend sent me this article during one of my weaker times, and I feel so much better now. I’m studying abroad in Japan for four more months while he is stuck in America. Thank you so much for writing this. This is exactly how I feel :)

    • I’m glad this article made you feel better.
      Trust me, I’ve been there. My husband was in Japan for my last year of college – it was full of heartache and headaches, but we made it.
      And I’m sure y’all can make it to~

  115. I’m in a long distance relationship with a man up in Canada. We knew each other for 5 years and made it official months ago. It’s been a hard path because both of my parents and his mother is so against it. It took a long time and finally my mom came around, if only slightly, though she still seems to hate the idea. We’re both twenty and the money thing has definitely been an issue for us. It’s so hard trying to save up and all we’ll be able to manage is two weeks out of a whole year…The disappointment on his face was so clear to me, even though he tried to hide it I tell him every day that I love him and that we’ll get to that point but it just seems to be so hard on him recently. We pretty much do all the steps but time and time again we do run into that wall. Recently his moms been going after him for dating me and she just won’t stop to the point he wants to move out, but he doesn’t have the money. It really is tough and it seems our two weeks this year that we’d planned together might just be canceled..

    • Hi Kate,

      Thanks for sharing. I think LDRs are the hardest when the parents disapprove. I’m sorry to hear his mother is so against your relationships (is it just because of the distance thing?).
      I do really get the money constraint. It’s so hard to save up for visits – especially once you factor in the time/hotel/bus/and other costs. In any case, best of luck!
      (It must be really difficult to only be able to see each other for two weeks a year. I hope y’all don’t have to cancel this year’s trip! :( Best of luck!)

  116. Anonymous // 12 March, 2014 at 11:15 am //

    I have been in a LDR well actually its more like a Long Distance Marriage for two months now. We have been married now for 5 years and before that we dated for 4 1/2 years. We both just recently graduated college and he was offered a job that requires him to train in a far away state from me for 6 months. In this training program he is surrounded by young guys and girls also recently out of school and everything has just been very hard. The company is paying for housing for all of them and they all pretty much live in the same apartment building. Similar setup as in college I guess. Two months have now gone by, and I have only seen him once so far. We are trying to see each other once a month and I will actually be seeing him in two weeks :) Your article really hit everything on the head! Trust, jealousy, and insecurities have really been driving me crazy. I’m not proud to say that I checked our phone bill and saw that he was texting a female co-worker at 2am in the morning. I was really hoping to not see anything and that it would help me realize that I can trust him more. However thats not what happened and I did happen to see that and it actually made me turn even more crazy. Every Friday for “pay day” a bunch of people (about 25 or so) all go out together. Last time they played laser tag, went go karting, went out for dinner and drinks, and then came back to my husbands apartment to listen to music and play video games until about 2 am. When I told my husband what I had done and asked why they were talking at that hour, he said he was just texting to make sure “everyone” got home okay. To me it looked like she was the only one he texted. This girl co-worker is also engaged to a man in the military and my husband has assured me that she is a nice polite girl and that they are just friends. I just still felt like it was very inappropriate for him to be “checking up on her” at that hour. I feel like her fiancé should be the one to make sure “she got home okay” and that my husband shouldn’t be concerned about her to that degree. It also made me question if she was in his apartment around 1-2am, which he says she wasn’t. But anyways since then I have had a problem peeking at the phone bill and I noticed how often he talks to that girl. He claims that he reaches out to her to find out when everyone is going to be going out over the weekend because she seems to coordinate all of the group outings. I’m really not comfortable with him talking to him or any other girls so frequently, but he claims that he cannot “not” talk to her since he works with her everyday. I asked him to please at least try to keep any personal conversations brief and he claims that he does, but the phone bills show differently. Eventually he got so fed up with my questions that he has now changed the password on our phone bill so that I cannot peek anymore. He says I’m going to drive both my self and him crazy always looking for stuff that isn’t there. He also said that he will give me access back when he’s home in 4 months for good. I suppose I will then be able to go back and check the logs to see if he did anything too inappropriate, but I just feel by that point the damage has already been done. Do you think this is anything to be worried about? I feel like he only changed the password because he may have something to hide and doesn’t want to get caught, while he claims he just doesn’t want to get interrogated every single day for the next four months and that I need to trust him more after our 5 years of marriage. It really bothers me not knowing if he is in constant communication with that engaged girl or not. I just feel like a women who is engaged also shouldn’t be texting other married men at that hour and always chatting with them so personally. It just seems inappropriate to me. I feel like she is just a little too bold and could even be flirtatious with my husband. But again I have no proof of anything. It doesn’t help that she’s one of these typical blondes with blue eyes that many guys seem to go for. Do you think I am overreacting with this or is this considered normal? I love my husband so much and do not want our 5 year marriage ruined over some stupid fling because he is surrounded by young college girls and guys who are still in party mode. My husband also told me that a different girl texted him asking if she could come over his apartment because she didn’t understand something they learned about in training and was worried about the assessment. She came over his house for about 15 min he said and though he claims she was sick and coughing everywhere, it still made me jealous. We agreed before he left, that he wasn’t ever going to be alone in any apartment with another girl or out alone with another girl..just to help prevent anything “from just happening”. All of these little incidents have started to make trusting him very hard for me since he’s not sticking to what we agreed to and while he reassures me that I’m the “hottest” girl still to him and he would never do anything to ruin what we have, I still find myself wondering how he would really handle another girl flirting with him or coming on to him. They all know he’s married, but that doesn’t seem to bother them or stop them from wanting to text him so much. She also doesn’t sound like a very nice girl..When I asked him what types of things they talk about, he gave me an example and said she texted him while they were all out in a group and said ” Love how this guys girlfriend is old enough to be his mom”…why does an engaged women care about who another man dates..and it sounds like she could be a little bit of a “mean girl”…and I’m not sure how I feel about him hanging out with someone has that type of character to talk about other people behind their backs. Sorry for the novel..but I’d appreciate hearing what you think about all of this. Do you think I have anything to be worried about with my husband changing phone passwords, texting this engaged girl at 2am and at other times throughout the day, etc?

    • Sorry for the late reply. I read through this one a couple times and wasn’t sure what to say – so I decided to sleep on it.

      So here is the advice I have:
      1. No, no it’s not ok for him to be changing his passwords and hiding things from you. But beyond that, it’s not ok for him to make you feel so worried about what he is doing that you feel like you HAVE to monitor his behavior all the time. That’s just messed up.
      2. There is obviously something going on with him that he feels like he’s not able to share with you. Maybe he’s enjoying being around all these young, youthful, optimistic, and energetic “kids.” Maybe he’s enjoying being the old, wise guy. Or the cool guy. There is something going one.
      3. And most importantly – you need to have a talk with him about what the best case scenario is with this. It kind of reminds me about a year ago, when my husband and I had been in a LDR relationship for about 1.5 years, and he was spending a lot of time with this other girl. Let’s call her Sasha. She was also Japanese. They would eat dinner a lot together, study together, and she would post on his facebook. I had met Sasha a couple of times (she was Japanese) and she seemed nice enough… but I didn’t like my husband hanging out with her. It just wasn’t, well, good for me. It made me feel sad and anxious. Ryouske thought I was being ridiculous. This went on for months – small fights, arguments, jealousy. Eventually I had to sit him down and look at if from a “best case, worse case scenario” point of view.
      A. Best case: him and Sasha have a great friendship, him and I still get married
      B. Worst case: him and Sasha get drunk one night and make out, him and I break up
      C. Most likely case: Sasha makes a couple passes at him, him and I fight, eventually him and Sasha stop being friends.

      Really, the only thing he could get out of Sasha was a good friendship, which, you know, is important, but was it worth ruining our entire relationship over? Because that’s what was happening.
      After thinking about it for a couple days, he decided “no, it’s not worth it” and him and Sasha gradually spent less and less time together. He felt sad, I felt a tag bit guilty, but it was for the best, I think.

      Try having that conversation with your husband. It might work.

      • Anonymous // 14 March, 2014 at 3:55 am //

        Thank you so much for taking the time to answer!!!!

        I think I will have that best case, worse case scenario conversation with him. The girl he has been talking to permanently lives in the state they are training in and does not live in the same apartment complex as him. My husband claims that she just bought a house with her fiancé there and that they are getting married in May. My husbands job will be permanently based back where I live (several states apart) and he will be back with me for good in 4 months from now. I already have asked him if he thinks he will continue to contact that girl once he comes home and he responded with a “why would I”. He did say that he will keep in contact with his roommate since he lives somewhat close to us (about an hour away). At the end of this program a lot of these kids are going to be separated from one another because they are all going to be working in different states across the country. I somehow think that his conversations with this girl and many others will gradually be less and less once he moves back with me…so that is kind of encouraging. But my concern is him developing a relationship while he is there that becomes more than just friendly and even though she is engaged, I still feel like its best to keep conversations to a minimum if they aren’t work related. He agreed to keep things brief with her, but again I don’t have access to the phone bill so I am just going to have to trust that he isn’t doing anything wrong. He has not once done anything to betray me or my trust in the 10 years we have been together, but I still find myself feeling like anything is possible…especially when you add the distance into the mix.

        Like you mentioned, I do think he’s enjoying being around all of the young people.. he is 28 himself and hasn’t made many friends since he moved here from England when he was 16. We got married before college so we didn’t live on campus or have too many opportunities to make a ton of new friends..we have always just been each others primary best friend for the past years. Now I am having to deal with “sharing” him with other guys and I think he’s enjoying having male companionship for once. It’s hard for me because, while I’m stuck at home doing the same old routine, he gets to live in this new exciting area with all of these young people with common goals and interests. I should be glad that he’s making friends, but I do worry about what kind of influence they may have on him. His roommate likes to eat out and drink alcohol a lot and is even trying to host poker nights at his apartment now. The more time his new “friends” try to spend with him, the less time I have with him and my husband doesn’t really ever want to say no to them because he is finally enjoying getting out and not feeling cooped up all weekend.

        Do you have any tips on how I can keep from feeling too jealous of him always spending time with these guys/girls on weekends? Any ways I can help show him how I’m feeling? I try to keep myself busy and just have fun myself, but a lot of my friends work a lot and have very busy lives of their own. I’m currently unemployed and I don’t have a female roommate to constantly go out to eat with every night, or go out with Friday nights, and all day on Saturdays, and Sundays. Which is what he’s been doing. Partly because all of these kids are probably lonely and have no family or friends from their hometown with them so they are turning to each other now for companionship. I guess its good for them not to be alone, but as his wife I feel like I need more than just a 1 hour conversation with him at night. Maybe thats me being a little unrealistic and too clingy though. If you have any tips on how I can just not feel so jealous for these next four months that would be great!

        Also, Do you think him living with a roommate that he also carpools to work with everyday will make our LDR even harder because he has someone else right up in his face every night also trying to socialize with him?? I feel like my husband has a hard time saying “No, sorry, I can’t go out to dinner because I want to stay in my room and talk on the phone with my wife for the next two hours” I feel like he’s afraid that he will look “uncool” and some of the guys there have already called him a “hermit” because when he first moved there he would hardly ever go out and just stay in and talk to me. He is choosing to go out with them rather than stay in and talk to me, mostly because he is just having a good time going out. When he does get in..he is tired and just ends up falling asleep soon after we get on the phone. Between this intense work program and is weekend festivities..I feel so neglected. It hurts because I used to be the primary one that he had fun with and we could talk on the phone for like 5 hours and feel like no time every went by. I honestly feel like I’ve just been replaced and he only makes time for me when he can. I’m really hoping that things change when he gets back home, but I’m not sure if I can take this feeling for the next four months! I guess I have to since were married though. I’m trying to be strong and not too clingy..I only text him if he texts me first (usually once during the day just to check in), and I always wait for him to call me (usually once at night). So its not like I’m bombarding him with phone calls and texts or demanding a ton of time from him. I’m just really hoping that things will be back to normal when he comes home for good..ughh wow can you tell how upset I am by how long this post is! so sorry!

        Thanks so much for your!!!

        • Wow, that’s really hard. I guess you just have to trust him.
          I’ve noticed with LDRs it’s hardest when it is “unbalanced.” Right now your husband has all the power. He has friends, a roommate, people who are really interested, and a training/job. You don’t really have any of that – so it’s easy to feel left behind.
          And it’s easy for your husband to get frustrated because he just wants you to “trust him” and wants you to “do you own thing” for a couple months while he is in the dorm. And honestly, that’s a lot harder than people think it is.

          Since this is something just temporary (not permanent), I would recommend getting another job, hobby, or something else to do. You need to be able to keep your mind off of him, since he is a lot more busy than you are. And if you just keep thinking about his roommate, the engaged girl, or the other college students, you’re going to drive yourself crazy.
          As weird as it sounds, I think you just need to make yourself as busy as he is – so you won’t worry so much. And as you mentioned, you’re trying to keep busy (which is good), but you could always do some short-term unpaid volunteering (easy enough to find) or helping out with a festival or event. Since he’s your best friend and he’s gone right now, perhaps it’s a good time to find new friends that you can spend time with while he’s gone?

          • Anonymous // 20 March, 2014 at 1:54 am //

            That is seriously the best advice I’ve ever heard! You are definitely right in that my husband does have all the power right now!! I definitely do need something to help these next months go by faster. Unfortunately its been really hard getting another job because his company won’t tell us until May which state he will be permanently working in. It could be one of three states all within an hour or two of where we currently live..but we may still need to relocate just to make commuting easier. It’s hard for me to take on a new permanent local job when I may have to leave it a few months later. I was trying to find a short term contract assignment..but thats not working out so well as there all mostly longer term contracts. Volunteering sounds like a good alternative for me though! But what makes things even harder is that we both only had one car before and he took it down to where he is I really don’t have anything to get out of the house throughout the day. Luckily I have my family nearby to help me get out on weekends..but I’m basically on house arrest throughout the week. Hopefully we can afford to get a second car soon!

            Thanks again for your advice! I really will drive myself crazy thinking about everything, if I don’t get something to take my mind off of it soon. A lot of my past friends have been very helpful in visiting me from time to time as well..which helps a lot! I may even try to get more involved at my church during this time but I do need something else besides cleaning and reorganizing our space everyday.

            Thank you said exactly what I needed to hear!

          • I’m glad you have a plan! We are actually in pretty similar circumstances – my husband is also in training for the next month. After that he is placed somewhere in Japan – so I’m waiting to start job hunting until he gets placed.

            Thankfully I have my blog, a nearby bus stop, and a couple local orphanages and startup a to volunteer with. If I didn’t I would probably be going crazy.

            I really hope you’re able to find some place to volunteer (or work) soon! And I’m so glad you found my advice helpful!!

  117. How do you deal with having local mini “attractions” while in a long distance relationship? I have been in an LDR with my boyfriend for over a year and a 1/2 now, and we communicate regularly through skype/messages/calling. However, there will be “dry” bouts when one of us deals with an attraction to a friend…is that normal, or a sign that our relationship isn’t as healthy as it should be? Should we be telling each other about these things, or would you say that’s just information better left untouched? How do you get around that if this friend is someone you spend a lot of time with, by virtue of extracurricular activities and having many mutual friends? Also, how long is too long in an LDR? What if, say, you have 3 more years of college to go, at least, and you’re in different continents? Thank you!

    • Hi,

      Thanks for the message. I think for every couple it is different. Ryosuke and I haven’t really had to deal with any mini attractions – mostly because we made ground rules that if we find someone of the opposite sex interesting, we avoid all contact with them. It sounds weird when I type it out, but it made sense.
      I have other couple friends who were in a LDR for much longer than me, where the guy got mini attractions all the time. He would tell his girlfriend, they would talk it out, and he would hang out with the other girl in a friendly matter until the attraction went away. It seemed to work for them – a lot of the mini attractions were girls in the same dorm, club, or class.

      I really think it depends on the couple.
      I think if my husband had told me he had mini attractions, I would freak out and get jealous. My friend’s girlfriend never seemed to mind, though. It really depends on couples…

      • Thank you so much for your answer!! I have just been struggling a little with feeling like I’m in an “in between” state – after a year and 1/2 of long distance, leading independent lives and trying to be good with maintaining boundaries with friends of the opposite gender can be so tiring! I tend to make a lot of guy friends, and although my boyfriend understands that, I think at times I still have lots of internal struggles in terms of making sure I interacting with them wisely – something I have never had to think about before, because my boyfriend would be friends with the same people! On another note, how did you determine for sure that this LDR was “worth it”? I feel like many times in LDRs the relationship can feel dry, but there’s “nothing wrong with it”…so I definitely am feeling a little confused about when it is time to hold on or let go…sorry if this is really vague, I don’t know if I’m making much sense at all!

        • No, I really get what you’re saying. I struggled with that a lot when I was in an LDR. I gave up both of my minors to graduate early and move to Japan (without job hunting) and my husband (then fiance) gave up several job offers that wouldn’t have worked with me living there. It was complicated – moreso when you KNOW you are giving up certain opportunities/friendships/things for your significant other.

          The important thing for me was that my husband never asked me to give it up. I applied for a couple jobs and internships (didn’t get most of them), but *I* decided to turn down the job offer I *DID* get because his job paid much more in Japan. It was my decision. Not his. So even *IF* everything went south, it was never him pushing me to do give up stuff for him, it was me deciding to follow another path.
          That helped with the insecure feeling. I really like having several safety nets, so this part of our LDR was very difficult.

          As for the “guy friends” thing, I get that too. About half my friends are guys; half my husband’s friends are girls. We dealt with jealousy a lot. It was just a thing. We kind of established a “no hanging out alone with the opposite sex after 8pm or getting dinner alone with them” rule – which helped a lot.

  118. I was having a bad insecurity and anxiety attack related to the LDR I’m having, then I found your blog. It was very inspiring and encouraging. I’ve been in LDR for several months with my fiance, we’re getting married this year and we’ll continue the LDR for one or two years until he can move to my town.
    So far I never have any issues related to trust and jealousy. The most painful thing in LDR is the feelings of being useless because I can’t be there when he’s having tough times. For example when he’s sick, I really can’t take care of him, I can’t do anything to ease his pain. During those times I really about him (even if it’s just a common cold) and we were having less communication when he’s sick since he need more rest. I know he would feel more reassured when I don’t worry too much, that’s why sometimes I pretend not to worry. But the anxiety is just too bad that it could interfere my daily life.

    • Thanks for sharing. I’m glad I could write something you relate to.
      I think my husband felt a lot of what you feel right now. I get panic attacks easily, not to mention I get sick all the time, so he would always be frustrated he couldn’t be there to comfort or take care of me when I was “down.” It’s hard.

      Congrats on the upcoming marriage! I wish you and your fiance the best!

  119. Anonymous // 9 February, 2014 at 6:57 pm //

    I’m in a long distant relationship. My wonderful boyfriend is in the army. He’s stationed in Texas while I’m here in Missouri. It’s been a bumpy road fights arguments and alot of mental breakdowns for me! Sometimes I question myself to why did I get with a guy whose so far away and I never see. But then I remember it’s because I fell inlove with him and I’m willing to wait till the day that I can be with him everyday! If you love someone you will do anything you can to be with them and make it work! I learned that! I know there’s gonna be more fights but I also know we will get through it together!

    • That’s a really nice way to look at it. If you love someone, you are willing to do anything (and for the most part, put up with any sort of unfortunate circumstances) to be with them.
      And, it’s always important to remember that people have been doing long distance relationships for hundreds of years – without Skype or cheap transportation. It can be done – and I hope you and your army boyfriend are able to make the distance!

  120. Hi. My bf broke up with me and he is in LDR with someone in detroit but he lives in GA. Im 17 he’s 19. He saw that girl once in july and he hasn’t seen her since and he’s about to join the marines any day.. do you think it’ll be hard for him and her with a ldr plus the military separation? I need him back! What are the chances they’ll break up do you think! Please help i need him back

    • It’s really difficult to tell if he will be able to make the distance work. Some couples can; other’s can’t. If he’s happy, it’s probably best to leave him be, but if they break up, you can always try again?

  121. Hi Grace
    I have to say your blog has made be at peace! However, I notice you and your husband did not have any culture or religious differences ? If there was My mistake. I have been in a LDR for a year now and the problem is I’m 17 and well we have different religions. He is a Jehovah witness and I’m a Assembly of God. There is a lot of contradiction in our relationship but at the end of the day it does not matter to us because we love one another very much. But I have to add some of our past he has broken up with me 5 times and well I broke up with him once and it has not been easy because we always come back on the 4th day. Also we have a lot of arguments because he cant call me or Skype me when he wants B/c he still lives with his parents and he is not allowed to have a girlfriend that is not his same religion. Although he did tell them the just don’t want me to change him ? He has proposed to me so we are engaged but should I keep up with this relationship? I know I love him and I know he loves me but sometimes I get discouraged from all the negativity from my friends/family. One of them being I’m “young” and “he is far away” but I still try to be strong.

    I guess my question is: Is it worth me excluding myself from my friends and family just for a relationship that I don’t know if it might work out ? Due to our differences of beliefs.

    • That’s really hard. I know quite a bit of what you’re talking about – when we met, not only was my husband not Christian, but he was also anti-religious. His father worked on a task force against religious terrorist groups in Japan. The entire family is rather anti-religion.
      My parents are missionaries and I am Christian. My husband and I used to fight tooth and nail about religious differences. Eventually I gave up. I couldn’t force him to like my religion.
      A couple months later he started coming to church with me. He’s not officially Christian yet – but he’s marking progress. Which is nice.

      Then again, couples with religious differences have a much higher chance of divorce. It’s just a thing. I don’t know whether it is worth excluding yourself from your family and friends for this relationship… but I don’t know if you should just discount someone because of their religion.

      • Hello Grace, I am in a similar relationship.My Fiance is not Christian.  How did your family and friends react? and how is the taking him to church thing going?  If you don`t mind me asking,

        • Sorry to hear you’re in the same predicament. Ish. Ryosuke started coming to church with me when we started dating and became an official “Christian” shortly before our marriage – so it all worked out wonderfully. My family welcomed him with open arms (regardless of religion), though. So it was nice.
          How has your family reacted?

  122. Hi. Sorry this is a pretty long post but I am very much in need of some help….! My girlfriend and I met 3 years ago online randomly (i.e. not dating service) when I was a freshman in college (in the UK where I live) and she was in high school in New Jersey – there is a 3.5 year difference in age. We became really great friends over about 10ish months before realising that we were super jealous of each other going on dates and hooking up with people so decided we really wanted to be together and would go for a LDR before even meeting. Since then we have seen each other for a total of 7 weeksish in total over the summer vacations of 2012 and 2013 and both times it was amazing and couldn’t have been any more perfect. Now though I am stuck in the UK without a job having graduated from my 3 year architecture program and had lots of issues getting internships (initially in the USA and now also in the UK), and she is a senior in high school with a college place ready for september and is getting more and more of a party and social life. Her friends are getting with people and saying that she is “missing out” and her family hates me (don’t ask me why they have ridiculous reasons that nobody understands) so until she goes to college there is no way for me to see her.

    The situation and problem I have now is that we are struggling to see our future as she is committed to college in USA and has no option to get to the UK much/at all (due to parents hating me and they having the funds she needs for college and future). I have applied to the top grad schools nearish to where she will go to college to try and solve this but am currently waiting to hear back and am not oveeerrrly positive due to not having secured an internship (and funding!). We had talked about the potential for open or semi-open relationships and stuff if i don’t make it to grad school given the struggle she in particular is having with all her friends telling her how she is missing out and because of missing that “physical” aspect to the relationship. Then soon after these conversations began she got more drunk than she has before (being relatively new to drinking and partying) and cheated on me by making out with a couple of guys at a party. We kinda worked this out cause mistakes happen and i did the same very early on (before we had met in person) but given the timing around the open relationship discussions and the fact that we are struggling a lot at the moment generally cause of the imbalance in our lives (she has lots going on, social, work, college, etc… and i am unemployed and stuck with my parents) it is making me really doubt that her heart is still in it. She assures me that she still loves me and wants to make us work more than anything else but as it says in the blog it is incredibly hard not to doubt! I am at a point now where because she is so busy and I am not and so feel like crap. A large part of me wants to end it because I kinda feel like I’m just tagging along and am a bit of a back-up plan so it is really hard, but I am clinging onto the memories of times when it was amazing (both in person and LD) and that is essentially keeping me going because anything to give us a chance of that again and more permanently I think is worth it. I don’t know what to do because she seems very unwilling to significantly compromise her life to make things easier for me (due to her friends talking about the experiences they are having and I had but she is not getting the chance for as it is) and I feel that all of the issues stem from the fact that we are at very different stages of our lives – where she is going to college to party lots and I just finished college and am moving into that more withdrawn and professional (you might say mature) part of my life. Any advice on either whether you think that this is likely to work given the situation would be fantastic and I’d really like to know if anybody has any ideas on how to get through the tough and doubtful times in an LDR because nothing that has worked for me in the past is really working now… Sorry for the long post and thank you so much!

    • Hi Andrew,

      Thanks for the message. That seems tough. I think the longest LDRS are the kind where you have no “end date” in mind. My husband and I were able to do the 2 years of distance because we knew as soon as we “did it” we could get married and live together. It was a great motivator. It also helped that our families approved of the relationship – but it sounds like your girlfriend’s parents aren’t too thrilled about you.

      I think most single friends (or not LDR friends) think that couples in an LDR are missing out. It’s a cross that LDR couples must carry. He friends might not be supportive (or her family) but as long as the romance is alive, you can make it.

      I think what y’all are missing is a 1,2,5, and 10 year plan – something that really helps LDR couples. Perhaps you can sit down and discuss where you see the relationship going and then build your life along what y’all decide.

      • Thanks very much Grace i think that is probably good advice. We had a plan (me getting an internship and the going to grad school close by) but that hasn’t really worked out for one reason or another, mainly the struggle of getting work visas for USA! But since that happened we haven’t really come up with a new plan so I think that that could well be what we are missing.

        Thanks anyway, you guys do have a really inspiring story and its great to see that it has worked out so well! :)

        • Getting a work visa in the states is nearly impossible. Don’t even get me started on the requirements for marriage visas in both the US and the UK. It’s crazily unfair (especially for couples with different nationalities).
          But I think it’s good that y’all have had plans in the past and I hope y’all are able to formulate a good plan in the future.

  123. I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years, she’s never been further than 15 minutes from me. This week she accepted a 10 month job in Asia. I’ve been very open with her about my fears, telling her I need to know that she’s confident that we can do this. I know it feels so impossible right now, for both of us. But the thought of breaking up is unbearable.

    My biggest concern, and hers, is whether or not I should wait. 10 months is a long time when you’re just out of college. She feels so much guilt for doing something so self serving, but this has been her dream since before I was in the picture. I could never ask her to turn down the opportunity and have her resent me for life, dooming the relationship anyways. Her biggest fear is that she’ll come back a different person, or that she’ll wanna stay out there and feel terrible that she let me wait.
    What are the first steps of mapping out the level of commitment you’re at? We have 6 months to figure it all out and I need to know where to start.

    Also, can you go deeper into what you mean by arguing efficiently via Skype? And can you tell me about the social climate in Japan? How they are about typical Issues discussed in the US.

    • Thanks for the comment. That’s a difficult situation, but I think it’s a common fear faced by couples in an LDR.
      When my boyfriend (now husband) went back to Japan, I was worried that going back to his home country would change him. And my fears were justified; during the first couple months in Japan, he changed into a completely different person. It was difficult to process.
      All along the way, after doing an international LDR (and then doing LDR when we were both in Japan, but on opposite sides of the country), I was scared it was a ‘waste of time.’ It is difficult to commit to something (especially around the college age) with no guarantees.

      In the end, I told my boyfriend that by the time I left Japan to go back to the states to graduate from college, we would either be engaged or broken up. A couple months later he proposed; we were married right after my graduation and moved straight to Japan.

      So my advice for you: I know that you don’t know if 10 months in Asia will change your girlfriend. It probably will. But if you think about it, you’ve been together for three years now. She has probably changed quite a bit in those last three years. If you think you will love the person she changes into MORE than the person she is now (which was my case), then stay together. Try the distance.
      If you break up during the LDR because of something short-term (or, mostly because you are unable to 100% commit to this relationship, without any sort of guarantee), you will regret it for a long time.

      10 months seems like a long time, but if the LDR is done correctly, I think you can survive the distance.

  124. Such an incredibly true article!! I’ve been with my (now) husband for about five years and almost half of those were long distance. This article is completely accurate!!

  125. Cindy Medina // 3 February, 2014 at 9:20 pm //

    Thank you for writing this post!I was shaking my head up and down the whole time!I studied abroad in Brazil last year and fell in love. We are now engaged and I’m just working hard to save up my money to move back to Rio (I LOVE THAT CITY!) Just wondering how was your transition from the states to Japan?I’ve lived in Brazil before but I was a student…I believe it will be a total different lifestyle as a permanent resident.

    • The transition was… difficult. I think. When I lived in Japan as a student, little things that didn’t really bother me (people staring, not being able to find cheese, being stopped by police officers to show my passport) were “ok” because it was a short-term event. Now that I live in Japan, I get frustrated sometimes with the things that used to just be minor annoyances.

      But having living in the same city (same house) as my husband makes it 100% worth it. I wouldn’t change if for the world.

      Good luck in Rio! I’ve never been – but I’m DYING to go.

  126. Noah jaramillo // 3 February, 2014 at 5:18 pm //

    Thank you this has givin me an idea of what it will be like I’m a jr. In high school and my girlfriends a sophomore from New York we both live in Colorado now but I am afraid I might move to Oregon and my girlfriend have been dating for 6 months and very serious and open. We make sacrifices for each other and see each other talents 5 times a week. This will be an tough adjustment for both of us but we are strongly committed to get thru this. I made a promise to come back when I was 18 after high school and go to college in Denver with her. I have enough money saved up to see her at least twice a month for a year. But can anyone give me ideas of what to get her before I leave I want it to be as heart filled and special as possible.

    • Good luck with the distance! That’s wonderful that you’ve been able to save up money to visit her!
      As for gifts… I always thought the little things counted the most. I used to write cute noted and letters and hide them in my husband’s stuff while he visited (clothes, wallet, shoes, etc).
      He would find notes for weeks after he left. That was probably the most “lasting” gift I ever gave him.

  127. Its really inspiring blog. Thank you so much for this blog. Im one of having LDR. Im a filipino and my bf is indian. We just meet on fb. Then now our relationship is going strong. But im just afraid what if he will change? I ddnt trust him so much, having insecurities coz im older in 9 years to him. And I knw the tradition of indians. But since we are in a relationship he ddnt change yet. How busy he is he stil msging wd me talk on calls everyday. He is so much understanding nd a possitive person. Its opposite on me coz I olwez think negative. I ddnt think that we will have a future but he olwez told me he will try his best. I love him so much and I knw he loves me too coz he wont spending so much time if he ddnt. He olwez sleep late just to talk wd me. But the problem is im so negative person. Always get angry with him in lil things. Always get jlous that he might get someone else. Please kindly give me an advice hoe it will be strong and how I will handle this kind of RELATIONSHIP. We nver met yet in real we are in 7 months since we met on facebook. Now we are even get more closer just im afraid he might change. Im hoping that I can get a reply
    Thank you so much!

    • Thanks for your message. He seems like a good fit for you!
      While LDR relationships are difficult, they teach you a lot about how to be yourself. I think that is wonderful.
      The only advice I can give is try to trust him more and try to meet with him in real life soon.

  128. Nelsa Pragata // 2 February, 2014 at 10:36 am //

    Thank you for this blog. Its really inspiring. I just search about how to work out in a long disyance relationship. Im 28 and I hv a bf from other country. I dont think so we have a future cpz he is much younger. But im still hoping that someday we could even meet. I really want to work it out this kind of relationship. We’ve nver meet yet. Just talk in skype, everyday talk in whatsapp and calls. He is so much understanding. Just the problem is olwez with me. Get jelous, insecurities nd ddnt trust so much with him. I want to ask the advice how it will be strong this kind of long distance relationship?

  129. I so much needed these motivation for not just myself but on how to help my Fiance too. I am in a long distance relationship for 6 months now. I am an African from the west leaving in Germany while my Fiance is a German but leaving presently in Western part of Africa but not in my country. We have being in a very close contact in communication ever since she is in Africa while I am in Germany. She loves me and I love her very much and we have plans of getting married before the end of the year in Africa. The problem now is that, she has a strong stress related sickness in combination with a strong Malaria that has kept her in the hospital for a week though she is out from the hospital but the stress related sickness is still there and is affecting our communication badly for the past 1 week. I have plans already of leaving Germany next week because I have booked a flight already to see her and then go to my country to stay a little. Right now as I write to you, she manage to write to me to let me know that she wont like me to visit her while she is still so sick and also anything that will give her more stress or pressure, she wont want it. I seem to be confuse on these statements but I also know she is going through hard times and I want to be there for her no matter if she is not her best self. I believe in love in challenging times, worst times and also happy times. She wants me not to visit her now that she is so sick but when she is fine and she will tell me to come.We could hardly Skype for the past days now or write. She wrote to me that she is not her self and she is on stress medications and also Malaria medications. Please what do I need to do, am so much in love with her and I want to be there for her as well. We have being on different Continent for 5 months now though the communication is so strong not until these strong sickness comes in. I send her messages everyday and pray for her health as well but now I don’t know if she needs some space and also if she means that I don’t have to send her messages too.

    • Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you love her very much. I too have been hospitalized for a week for malaria (back when I lived in Ghana), so I understand her feelings of not wanting to see you while she is “down.” I would advise you to go ahead and visit her anyways.
      Visit your home country first, of course (out of curiosity, what country?), and then politely ask if you can stop by for a 2 day visit – but don’t buy your return ticket yet. Or, if you have to, buy a return ticket a week away. If you see her and she actually is stressed, you can leave as planned. However, if she asks you to stay longer (as most people do when their S.O. from and LDR visits), you can extend your stay.

      I hope it works out!

  130. So I’m glad you put this up. I am currently in a long distance relationship, and most of our communication is through Skype. We’ve been together for 6 months, but now, all of the sudden, I have had 0 contact from him for the past 2 weeks…and I don’t even know what to think. We went from at least every other day of chatting to none at all. And my mind goes into over-panic mode that isn’t sure he like if he’s just sick, if his internet connection has somehow failed and there is no way to get it fixed, or if he fell off a cliff and died. Like, nothing I also feel like if he cared, he would have found a way to contact me after 2 weeks past! But then I don’t want to be that way because the last time we talked he cared about me. It’s hard because I don’t know what’s going on, and I think the not knowing is the hardest part of all of this. How long would you wait? I feel like I would wait as long as it took for him to come back, but I may be driving myself crazy by doing that.

    • Honestly, that is the hardest part of Skype – the other person can just completely disappear, and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s terrifying.

      I mean 0 connection might just mean his internet is out… but he also could have borrowed a friend’s, right? I have no idea. Sorry.

  131. erica davis // 29 January, 2014 at 6:21 pm //

    Thank you so much for this. Me and my bf are fairly a new couple and have been long distance for two months now and I just recently started having a hard time with it. My last bf of two years cheated on me several times and I have a lot of trust issues and have been feeling down and worried my self sick over our relationship and then I read this. It helped me realize we are new at this and everything I was worried abt is common in LDR but now I know how I can adress my concerns and we can work through them. Thank you so much for this it really means alot

    • My husband and I did long distance for two years without a single cheating episode (nowhere near to cheating). So, it can be done. And even if you have been cheated on, or you see your friends in LDRs cheating on THEIR boyfriends, that does not mean your boyfriend will cheat on you.
      Everyone starts off a LDR a bit scared, worried, and insecure – but as time goes on, your relationship will be strengthened with love, trust, and all that other good stuff. Good luck!

  132. I’m only 15 and I’ve been in a LDR for about a month now and I really love the girl like truly I live in Indiana and she lives in Nevada and I want to go see her this summer but I can’t drive Nd my parents are still iffy on the relationship I cry everyday because she can’t be in my arms we have the song all of me by john legend Nd when I listen to it I just collapse can someone please help me I need to see her she’s the love of my life

    • Hopefully y’all will be able to make the distance. Just make sure to regularly talk to each other and happily plan visits!

  133. Hi, thanks for this inspiring post. I am in a long distance relationship, i am from europe, she is from america. I am really happy and scared at the same time of what we have, i really trust her and i feel like there is a real connection between us and we love each other. But she still does not add me on facebook ( she will in this week she said) and i am kind of a jealous guy, so it’s kinda tough for me sometimes. Like i woke up in the morning and find out she is online on skype ( 2 am for her) and i start tought, “oh, now she has another skype boyfriend” … i am going to visit her in two month so maybe is all in my head, but is really hard to deal with this jealous part… maybe when she add me on facebook i will be more relaxed… Thanks a lot


    • Hi Carlo,

      I guess that’s a bit odd that she doesn’t add you on facebook. I’ve never heard of that before. But I guess when you see her in two months you can talk through it :)

  134. Hi there, my boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 6 months now!..during this 6 months there has been a break up,I broke up with him because I was too jealous and insecured, so we got back together this month but this time I gave him some conditions, I told him we won’t have sex because during the time of the break up I decided to abstain he told me he has no problem because he loves me for who I am not because he can have sex with me
    Now my worry is : he will cheat on me for he will be satisfying his hunger for sex. I don’t know what to do,I feel like I should end the relationship and continue with abstaining at the same time I love him he’s a good man but I’m not sure if we will last

    Please help me,what do I do!!

    • Hey Zoe,

      Sorry, I really don’t know what to say. Or what advice to give. I think everyone is different – and that you boyfriend is capable of no sex for a long period ot time – that’s what couples who do long distance have to go through on a regular basis.
      So I really don’t know what advice to give, sorry!

  135. I loved reading your blog :D

    I got a LDR as well for like 4/5 months and I’m so much in love with him, as he is with me. But what sucks, is that he livs in the US and I live in Europe, so we never met in real life.

    He told me that I make him feel great about himself, and reading that made me feel so happy! We share each others problems, play games together.. we skype/call and chat, but yeah, its the physical contact we miss. Especially since we want to hug each other so much!

    I’m saving up my money already to meet him when I’m done with school.

    Both of us believe that it can work out, and we also both agree that it sucks right now.

    XD i just felt like sharing this :3

    And gratz on your wedding! <3

  136. Anonymous // 21 January, 2014 at 9:14 am //

    After reading this I’ve felt a lot better. But I have also found myself in this same pickle. Me and the boyfriend were friends before we started dating and it’s been a year and now less than a week ago he’s moved to overseas (we’re in the same timezone) for 7months for uni exchange. After talking to many friends I got lots of stories telling me how the significant other broke up with the partner that was at home and I guess this has just made so much more worried and upset. I think I trust him but at the same time I’m trying to be realistic there’s the high chance that he may cheat on me or break up with me, so sort of soften the blow that if it happens. Also with doing exchange, you always hear stories about flings or about everything fun that goes on over there.
    I suppose I’m just not sure what to do. We’re trying to talk everyday and skype every now and then. It also just seems I’m always the one to make the effort to talk or to send just a ‘hello how are you?’ or a ‘i miss you.’ Whenever we do talk, it also seems like he’s distracted and has better things to do with his time. I have hinted numerous times that a message takes 30secs for just a ‘hey how are you’ and it will get me smiling for hours, but all I get back is him telling me I’m needy. I know its also normal to worry but I guess I’m also scared that I will never know if he’s cheated on me or not. I guess this is where trust comes in, and while I think I do trust him, it’s my own insecurities that’ll he meet someone amazing and charming over there that’ll he’ll fall for her instead. Also partly because of the girl he use to really like and the conversations I’ve seen them had.
    Sorry, I’m not sure with everything and I guess I just need that advice from someone who’s had a LDR that has worked out with a happy ending :) I’d be forever grateful for your advice.

  137. Gabriel Ramos // 20 January, 2014 at 8:53 am //

    Oops…this was meant to be a reply to someone’s post….-__-

  138. Gabriel Ramos // 20 January, 2014 at 8:51 am //

    As hard as it is, I believe that you should take a few weeks off from contacting him- you’ve tried to fight for what you have, or had, but that approach isn’t working. You’ve chased, now it is time for you to be chased…if he sees what it is like without you, he’ll either feel inclined to pursue you or forget you. I remember the girl I was talking with…things, well, they didn’t go as desired. I became the pursuer, but with no fruit to show of my efforts. Then I decided to see if she really cared- weeks passed, then months. There is a such thing as fighting a losing battle, and though I would wish you happiness in your relationship, I also don’t want you to be pushing a wall that wont budge. Every single day since we last spoke, she has been on my mind, and as much as I want to reach out to her, I know the timing isn’t right. You’ve got to be able to make a decision and stick with it, regardless of how you feel. Whatever choice you make, I wish you the best. As for you Grace, congratulations, it’s a rare but beautiful thing to hear of a long-distance relationship resulting in marriage.

  139. Hi Grace, my fiance and I have been in a LDR for a year so we can relate to everything you have written about. It is such a relief to know that there are those that do understand the struggles and the joys of a LDR. I guess the fact that those around me don’t understand has been a hard thing for me. Sometimes it blows me away that an argument has gotten started because we miss each other so much. But when it is true love everything is worth it :) Thank you for the inspiration and and encouragement. Congratulations on your marriage:)

  140. Your blog is so inspirational. I am into LDR’s too and it does gets hard, but we are in for 2months, very early on. However, My question is, his birthday is coming up…im having a hard time deciding what to get him for his birthday… his from Australia by the way and I’m from the philippines so he is 3hours ahead of me, the thing is he surprised me with a baked chocolate crinkles (my fav) on my birthday last year, he baked himself and got to have it sent to me to arrive on the day of my birthday as my present. Any ideas?

    I am thinking a customized embroidered pillow for him (god i dont know how to embroider…this is so challenging)

    or any ideas?? your input would help me a lot.

    • Oh, I like the pillow idea. Another option is to order a bunch of small things (send a postcard, order something he loves online, etc), set to arrive at his place all throughout the day. That way he is bombarded with all these little things that he loves :)

      I used to surprise my husband with all sorts of small gifts, and he LOVED it.

  141. Is it normal to feel anger at all? My boyfriend of 1 year plus has decided to take up a job offshore, so I basically won’t see him except for weekends (and that’s provided work doesn’t get him tied down, in which case I wouldn’t see him at all). I know I’m meant to be happy for him having this opportunity, but part of me can’t shake off a sense of abandonment and innately my first response is to anger. Am I crazy?

    • I don’t know, I think anger is a bit normal. I mean, my husband kind of got angry with me because I chose to study abroad in Tokyo (rather than 11 hours away in the countryside in Akita, where he went to school). We were still in the same country… but I wanted to live in Tokyo rather than the countryside.
      It took him a while to get over being bitter.

      And it really does hurt when your SO chooses a job/school far away… but anger or no, I think you still have to support him. Just, you know, let him know you’re kind of pissed about it once (or twice) and then move on.

  142. I find your blog very touching and inspiring. I was in a LDR for almost 5 months (say was because he recently broke up with me).
    I’m studying abroad for a little over one year to do my Master Degree in the UK. He stayed at my home town country Mexico.
    I tried to make things work having small detailes like unexpected letters, postal, pictures, We try to skype at least once a week but texting a lot during the day. I came here in september and I was plannning a visit to Mexico in april.
    Anyway, at the end it didnt work our for him. I knew he wasnt happy when I came here, he was having a bad time……but we both agree it was worthed to be together when I came back.

    Im very sad, knowing that I’m so far and I cant make anything to change his mind. i still dont undestand whats going on with him. He wanted to remain friends and keep talking, shall we?
    At the beginning I was too upset and I said no….but now I dont know.
    He is the one I want to spend my life with.

  143. Thaks for the wonderful blog. Please can u help me, i want to ask a question. I am 17 and bf 18….we have been together for about 8 months and two weeks.he lives in africa while i live in the US. It is very to get internet we dont skype, just once but we chat on facebook,watsapp,hangout ad alot more. I love him so much, just want him alone and i believe he feel same way. Am not allowed to have a boyfriend same as he is not allowed to have a girlfriend. We talk everyday on bbm but he has resumes school he told me we would not be able to talk for a long time like we use because his parents took his phone so he would not be able to get on Facebook or bbm to talk to me. His phone is not workin well either i would not be able to call him. Knowing that we wouldnt be talking for months is really making me so sad, i cry myself to bed every night, not trying to be clingy but chatting is the only time we can spend time together. My friends are saying that i should breakup with him,that i could go out with someone from where i live at but they dont understand how i feel. They believe i dont love him but i do so much and he is best thing that have ever happened to me he is the most wonderful boyfriend but am sacred we would dift apart or end up breaking up because he said we woud not be able to talk for long time cuz he has so much exams to take dat he has to pass and he needs to start working on college application. African system of school is very hard in getting admission to college.

  144. Anonymous // 12 January, 2014 at 7:57 pm //

    Thank you for hitting the nail on the head. My boyfriend and I are going through a little bit of a rough patch and I was looking for some sort of confirmation that it could work out. He and I have been dating just over a year and about half of that we have been long distance. I met him back home at my crappy job and I had finally left a bad relationship and chose to pursue one with him. I was a mess when I met him but we hit it off just the same. I had recently had a miscarriage from my previous relationship and hadn’t quite recovered. He reminded me that life wasn’t all bad and that although it was a terrible situation, it provided me with an opportunity to better myself. Unfortunately this year I transferred from a community college to a university. It may not be 10 hours away but it is 5. I almost wish that it was farther away because I look for excuses and return home when I really don’t have the time or money for it. My first semester here I was working 2 jobs, a volunteer lab job, and was a full time student. It was difficult but I made it. I am about to begin another semester but have been having doubts as to whether or not we can make it work. The truth is that I am pursuing an intense science oriented degree, but I have always had trouble making friends. It’s not that I am hard to get along with, I just tend to be shy. I actually expanded my friend pool considerably when my BF and I started dating as he is outgoing and he made me want to be too. Unfortunately that hasn’t translated very well over here. I expect friends to better each other and have found no one like that over here. I have been alone for six months. I moved in with strangers so that I could afford to live here and I have not made any real friends since I’ve been here. As you can imagine it puts a lot of stress on my relationship because I have way more than enough alone time. I have been trying not to be needy but he will never be able to understand because he still has access to friends that he has known for years. For a while he talked about moving here and at the time I told him that he would hate it and that it would be a poor decision. He gave me a glimmer of hope. Even though I knew that it would never happen, it allowed me to see an end and feel like it would all be worth it. I am proud of him as he is trying to go back to school now, but he caught me off guard since he blew it off when I suggested it months ago. My reaction was less than stellar and now he feels as though I don’t support him. I want him to do well, I am just not sure how we will have any time when he has a full time job an will also be a full time student. I think I scared him today because I wasn’t able to communicate my mind to him. I froze up and stared off into space and just got super anxious. On top of it all I have a fairly debilitating medical condition which isn’t helping my motivation to do well here. Sometimes I just want to quit, move home, and return to my crappy job and do that for the rest of my life. I have never even been that career driven, but I wasn’t doing anything else and I need a challenge once in a while. I almost feel like I should see him less so that my emotional attachment will lessen so that it won’t hurt as much. I know that this is the wrong approach but I do not know a better one. Maybe the next many years will all be worth it but it sure doesn’t feel that way at the moment.

  145. Anonymous // 12 January, 2014 at 9:07 am //

    this article is great, me and my girlfriend are 4 months in our ldr so we are pretty new at this. Not to mention we are each others first boyfriend and girlfriend. Im 18 and she is 19 and i finish highschool in 6 months. she just left today and its really hard on me. but i know everything will be ok because i trust her with everything. We were literally each other’s first everything. We talk non-stop every day and skype every other day for hours. We even have our tuesday date nights in which we both watch pretty little liars and dance moms over skype. we are serious about one another and i know we will work. im working on getting my license so i can drive up and see her in college. i wont see her for 6 weeks, which compared to this article isnt bad. but i know no matter what its going to be hard no matter the time or distance. My friends tell me it gets easier as it goes on, but theyve never been in a LDR. I know the more you love that person, the longer it goes on, the harder it gets.

    • I hope you both are able to thrive in the distance!
      But remember – 6 weeks might seem small to some people (I know couples who have been in an LDR for years), but to you, 6 weeks is a long time. You don’t have to compare your relationship to other people’s relationships.

  146. I’ve been with my bf for about a half a year now and I’m crazy about him. He’s my only friend and lover LITERALLY. We met on EyeEms (something like instagram). and talked everyday about everything in the world lol and would tango and oovoo and soon as you know it we feel for each other.. He’s my joy. He’s the only person that brightens up my day when I’m sad and mad, he my best friend, my only friend. He supports me when I’m worried. And I love how he can care so less about how ratchet and ugly I look and feel. He makes me feel beautiful in his eyes and that that’s all that matters. BUT today this morning he had to leave for military camp but what we didn’t know was that hee wouldn’t be able to speak to me at all. Well maybe it was jus me but…. I’m going crazy right now. He’ll be in there for 3 or 4 months. I can sit it in there but it feels like a decade already. I trust him completely but I’m just curious if he trust me like he says he does. Like its always what if … You know ? Like will he still want me when he comes back ? I hope so because I wanna be his forever girl one day… I’m really missing him… someone help… ? ANY

    • I think the hardest part of an LDR relationship is trust, handling jealousy, and staying strong. In your boyfriend’s eyes, you are beautiful. Just like in your eyes, he is beautiful.

      And, of course, I wouldn’t worry too much about military camp. You can be his home base back home – so you can help him get through the difficult training.

  147. So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months. The first four months or so were amazing. We talked every single day, video chatted, messaged each other, late night talks, watch things together, etc. Now it’s slowly dying down. I asked him what’s wrong and he says that he’s getting bored and the distance is suffering for him. We don’t cam often now, we barely text each other and stuff. To be honest, I’m scared. I asked him if he wanted us to still be together and have a relationship but he completely ignored my question. I feel as though he’s pushing me away sometimes. I even wonder if he’s considering my feelings when he does it. We’ve seen each other three or more times in person but since it’s been snowing so hard during the winter and it’s hard for him to find a place to sleep since he can’t stay with my parents and I. ( He’s 20 and I’m 16. ) So I won’t see him until April. I don’t know what to do and it’s kind of stressing me out. What should I do?

    • Also, I don’t want to end things with him. I still want to be together with him really badly.

    • That’s really hard. Long Distance is difficult if both partners aren’t equally attached to Skyping/mailing every day. That’s not to say it is impossible, but it’s hard.

      I would recommend finding an alternative to Skyping every day. I know several couples that prefer to only Skype once a week (since the man typically feels as if Skyping is boring/a waste of time), email every day, and/or send snapchats/videos every day.

      Of course it is difficult to see him (snow, age gap, etc), but talking things over in person is a very important part of the distance. Perhaps just try to sit down, sort through his feelings, and adjust your schedule depending on what works and doesn’t work for both of you?

  148. Hello,
    First off I would like to say, congratulations on getting married and also, thank you for writing this blog. I was actually on the edge of having a breakdown when I came across this. You have no idea how much this has helped me. I’m also in a LDR. We got engaged back in October, several days after the engagement he had to go back home. He lives in Denmark and I live in America. We agreed to skype and message each other everyday and I also plan to go visit him during my spring break. when we talk, we do exchange the ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ ever so often. Everything has been going well, until three weeks ago. There’s a six hour difference between us (him being ahead) I would usually wake up to good morning texts.. Those stopped. Whenever we would text he would always put a smiley face at the end of the text. That stopped. Also the skype calls lessened well. And when I asked him if he was okay or if I did something wrong. He would say everything was fine and that I did nothing wrong. One day, I told him that the way he’s been acting was getting me worried and he reassured me that he was fine and happy to be with me and that he was unaware of how he was acting, usually he would be busy at work and later he would hangout with his friends which I understand completely. Everything was grand once again. Until last week were he started acting the same way again. I took it as, ‘he must be very busy with work and socializing with friends’ but now, we barely ever talk, we barely ever skype. Sometimes we would go two days without talking. And when we do talk, I’m usually the one who says ‘I miss you’ or ‘I love you’ first. When we do skype we sit in silence for almost two hours. I feel him drifting away from me and it’s heartbreaking. Am I just blowing it out of proportion, or is there something wrong?
    I would be very greatful for your advice. Thank you.

    • Hi Aya,

      Thank you for your message. As a fellow LDR who has done the multiple hour time difference, I feel your pain. It is very difficult to coordinate schedules, especially when it means waking up early or staying up late in order to see your partner.
      While it is difficult to tell exactly what he is thinking, I would go on a limb and say you are (hopefully) fine. Some people in LDRs go on phases where they get sick of Skype/talking to their SO every day. I was the one who would get a bit fed up with Skype in our relationship; sometimes I would ask in advance if we could just not Skype one morning/evening because I wanted to do other things.
      I think it is natural to want space.

      He might be feeling overwhelmed – and he might really NOT realize what he is doing. I know Denmark and America are pretty far away – when is the next time y’all get to meet? In person meetings always seem to smooth over the rough patches in an LDR.
      If you don’t get to see him soon, I would recommend sitting him down and re-evaluating your Skype policy. Perhaps he would like to Skype less (and in return, he promises to text you more?) You can be flexible with Skype/texts/chatting.
      Good luck!

  149. My boyfriend and I have been doing long distance for 18months we havent seen each other since he left due to the military. We were best friends before we started dating. Im not gona lie the 18months hasnt been easy but for the most part weve beeb very happy he got us a brand new car and made plans of living together upon his return. Well he got extended got in some trouble and wanted a break a couple months ago because he felt like he couldnt handle the relationship because he didnt feel like he was being a good bf. He does get depressed sometimes and hes told me before hes bad at the long distance thing. He was suppose to be home back in Nov and doesnt know when he will be back pending his punishment. And now he found out some other personal stuff he told me about and he said he feels so tired and overwhelmed that he doesnt know whats happening that he isnt in the right place for a relationship and needs to fix whats going on with him. Which I respect that he cares enough to not want to hurt me…he says he loves me but he wants to be alone. I asked if it was someone else and he said no that he wants to be alone. And when I told him I loved him he said give him time…its been 2 days n he said we are still friends and can talk…when we talk aside from sayig I love u its the same as when we were together.. i asked if ive lost him he said he didnt know what was going to happen and that we cud end up together….I guess Idk if I should just leave him be and let him deal I jus dont want him to get conpletly over me :-( we even made plans to get married n have babies we both are perfect for each other.. I jus wish I knew if I should give up on us n move on or still hope :-/ Its so hard cuz I feel like Ive lost my best friend and lover…any advice?

    • That’s really hard. It’s even harder because of the distance – it is very easy for him to pull away and there is nothing you can do. But you’ve been together for so long, so hopefully that has to count for something.
      I would recommend telling him that above being his girlfriend, you are his friend. And as his friend, you want to help him. You can lend him your ear and help him talk through his frustrations. As long as he knows it is impossible to disappoint you, he might be able to tell you everything he is thinking. Communication is essential when you feel your partner slipping away.

      Since you love him, fight for him.

      • I had posted earlier bout the military situation…So its been 2 weeks and he finally took it off facebook that we were in a relationship…last week when he said he had to much going on with his court case, and he is drinking and miserable over there he was atleast talking to me…and since we were best friends before lovers I feel as if my world has stopped! He hasn’t had any contact with me in a week now…he sent me 2 texts and I didn’t answer because I was upset and felt that ignoring him would make him miss me but then I decided to answer him back and let him know what was going on with my dad who was in the hospital. He said he would check on me and did but I’ve tried texting him and facebook not overboard but just a text or two a day for the past 3 days just saying hope your ok text me when you have a chance….and nothing! How can he go from talking to me 24/7 for 18 months to bam no contact. He said it wasn’t someone else but I can’t help but think that. I know he is stressed with this court thing facing jail time for a drunken mistake but he knows I love him and I know he loves me. I’m just confused.

      • Anonymous // 9 February, 2014 at 7:10 pm //

        If you love him let him go if he comes back you know he loves you! If you truly love him then fight for him and don’t give up girl my boyfriend is in military to so I know exactly how you feel! If you need someone to talk to that knows what your going through you can text me! 417-658-9261

  150. Thank you for writing this blog. this is very inspiring. I want to ask you something as well. i am also in a LDR for another 7 months till I graduate then I will be moving back home. I have a few trust issues because of my past relationship. And now this is effecting me in my current one. I am worried about my boyfriend having to move to another town to work. The reason is because his ex lives in that town. He has no contacts with his ex,whatsoever. and he was the one who broke up with her. He told me he has no more feelings on her And I do know that. it’s just I’m having such a hard time dealing with it. The thing is that I am just so worried he will somehow get back in contact with her and the girl will flirt and start something with him. I don’t know why I am being like this and I don’t want to be this annoying girlfriend who asks him many questions all the time we are on Skype. He isn’t doing anything that is making me doubt as well and I am just being an ass like that. please tell me ways to not worry this much. I think it’s just I got cheated unexpectedly on my past relationship that I keep thinking anything can happen. =( I feel sorry for my boyfriend that he has to deal with this all the time. Hope you can advice something on this. thanks.

    • Really, I think that is a common feeling in LDRs. You don’t want to be the clingy girlfriend… but you don’t want your boyfriend getting with anyone else. My case was pretty similar – Ryosuke broke up with his girlfriend from his home school during study abroad (at my university). We started dating, everything was going great, and then he returned to Japan. I got worried and clingy – I knew he loved me (of course), but was terrified because his school was tiny (about 1000 students) and his ex was in one of his classes. I was scared she would start talking to him (she tried) and get him back.
      Eventually he dropped the class, partially to make me happy, and partially to take the same class at a better time. He also promised that whenever he saw her, he wouldn’t talk to her (also because during the course of our relationship, she’s sent me several threatening emails on how she will kill me if she sees me/how her and Ryosuke will still get married).

      I think it’s normal to be worried that your boyfriend will get back with his ex. You don’t have to be “crazy” about it – but a healthy level of fear is no problem.

      And, of course, Ryosuke and I got married last weekend – so in the end it worked out :)

      • Oh wow. Big congrats to that. Yes, I will try my best to deal with it calmly so i don’t become the crazy gf. Thanks for the advice and tips. Best wishes..XX

  151. Hi there,
    Its so inspiring to see so many others in the same position. Reading your blog i am so familiar with what you are saying. I have been in a long distance relationship since the beginning of July, he was a US Marine and went back to America and I’m all the way in little New Zealand. The time difference is, he’s 7hrs ahead but yesterday (that’s how i look at it). It has been a rough 7 months but i can tell you, well worth it! for the first 4 months we didn’t Skype, only used i message and phone calls everyday. (This was very difficult). He bought me tickets for 3 week holiday to Texas in October where he proposed to me and we recently applied for a US fiance visa, and it was approved!! I am moving on 3rd February to Texas to live with him. So, long distance relationships are extremely challenging, they are far from easy but in the end they are well worth it. It all comes down to trust and having faith and it makes it a lot easier having an end point, plans to be together. You have to build your own life, and do things that make you happy. You cant sit around wishing he were there because hes not. This sort of relationship builds you for anything, if you can make it long distance you can make it through anything!!

    • Congrats! That is wonderful to hear! I love stories like that :)
      My fiance and I were also exploring the fiance visa, but the application was so expensive and time-consuming that we kind of gave up. Since we decided to live in Japan post-marriage anyways, it kind of just made sense to get married on a tourist visa and leave the country shortly after.

      I hope you have a wonderful time in Texas! I agree- if you make it through long distance, you can make it through anything!

  152. I’m in a LDR as well and we’ve been dating for 8 months so far. I’m in virginia, he’s in colorado, I moved here to stay close to family and go to college out of state but to have instate tuition.
    We started dating right before I left CO but my family didn’t know about it til 4 months in. They hate it. They hate how I still have a tie to Colorado cuz they absolutely hated that place. I want to go visit Colorado not just for my boyfriend but for my old friends too.
    He and I text everyday and skype whenever we can. Mostly at night til 2 in the morning. It’s getting harder tho because whenever I’m home, my parents and I fight and they forbid me from skyping him. I also pissed my cousin off by skyping til 1 am and waking her up. I fear she’ll tell my mom and I’ll get everything taken away.
    They found out that he visited me a couple months ago and gave me chances to break up with him. Thing is, I don’t want to. I love him, he’s my soulmate and the one I wanna spend the rest of my life with. I finally found a decent guy worth having who doesn’t love me for just sex but for who I am. My family is making me choose between him and them. If I continue to date him, then they’re threatening to kick me out. What should I do? I don’t wanna lose anyone.
    They said as long as I’m in te house, I can say bye to all forms of communication with the outside world. But my boyfriend offered to let me move in with him… And I know id be happier… What should I do?!

    • That’s a tough one… I’ve known families to be unsupportive, but never to that extent. I seriously have no idea what you should do.
      I think that is not fair of your parents (and quite frankly, very immature) to make you cut ties with a place just because THEY didn’t like it. I moved all over the globe when I was little and my parents always told me to keep all my ties, regardless of where we lived.

      I guess it really just depends on your age and education level. If you can find school/work/anything in his area – and if he is 100% on board with you moving in with him – I would say go for it. You would be happier there, outside of the reach of your parents. But the real world is scary, expensive, and problematic. If you move out/get kicked out, you would lose financial stability, insurance, and well a lot of other things.

      I don’t know what you should do, but I think you might be able to sit down your parents and explain how it is not fair of them to make you choose. I don’t know if that will work… but keep me posted!

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  153. I am currently in a long distance relationship for the past 2 years. I am currently visiting him for the second time. (We live across the country from each other) The first time I visited it was horrid. His mother, he said, hated me and his sister tried to get me into trouble whenever she could. I tried to be as courteous and kind as possible during the 3 months I was there. Again I am on another 3 month vacation and it seems again. It hard being in a house you know everyone hates you. What doesn’t help is my bf sat me down a couple days ago and told me he wanted to break up with me and was happy. He said he was selfish and that he didn’t see a future for us anymore. We had plans to move to Texas together to be with my family and he was looking into everything for it and was so excited.. but now its like he did a 180 and now is not wanting anything we had planned together. Originally it was planned I move to Canada to be with him but there was too much red tape and it is too expensive. I don’t know what to do. He won’t break up with he said until it is mutual but I don’t want to break up.. I thought we were good but I don’t want to force him into staying with me and being selfish. I mean, I knew we had a few problems but being in an LDR isn’t easy and I’m willing to stick it out but I don’t think he wants a relationship at all with me. He doesn’t like the sacrifices he has to give up from having a gf. But the hard thing is I can’t leave for another 25 days.. do I stick it out and just tell him I let him go right before I leave or do I do it now and just suffer for 25 days knowing we are broken up and staying in a house no one likes me.. I have no where else to go.

    • Don’t let him do this to you. He’s cruel for putting you through so much and having you come just to break up with you. I think if you can then you should leave. No man who cannot fight for the love and right of his woman deserves you.

  154. Kevin Hahn // 1 January, 2014 at 4:40 pm //

    Hi, I’m in a LDR with my girlfriend who lives in Riverside, CA. I live in CA, only an hour or two away from her. but things kind of got complicated. I met her on Facebook through my friend in June 2013, and we both are head over heels for each other. We had so many hopes to meet in person, and it finally came true in September 2013. I only got to spend 3 hours with her that day, but it felt like a lifetime. At the end of November 2013, it got complicated. Her mom has always been strict on her dating, and her found out at the end of November and told her that we can’t be together anymore. it broke my heart that night but we both promised to stick through this because our love for each other is so strong. i wish i could just drive to see her but we both are not 16 yet. i just want to see my girlfriend every day, she always makes me so happy when i message her. So after her mom found out we decided to kinda be quiet about us still dating so her mom thinks we split already. Her mom is kind of judgmental, my girlfriend is Vietnamese, and I’m Korean. Her mom is kind of stubborn and only wants her to marry Vietnamese person. And her mom didn’t like me because i was korean and banned her from seeing me. The only way i could see her again is by going with my friend (the one that i met her through) to church in corona since my friend and girlfriend go to the same church. But the bad thing is that i cant go every week because my parents will be suspicious and i havent told them at all about my relationship. My main issue is that i just cant cope with not being able to see her often, because after i got to meet her in person, i missed her so much afterwards. every day i pray to God to give me an opportunity to see my girlfriend again. another issue is that so many guys at her school want her, and they still flirt with her on social media and through text. i kind of get really depressed and sometimes i feel she might leave me for someone else, or that another guy might take her away from me. she always promised that she loves me and only me and won’t let any guy take her from me. we love each other more than all the stars in the universe, i love her to infinity and beyond. another problem is that i still have doubt and uncertainty that maybe i am just wasting my time in this relationship. i love her so much, but at times i feel like we drift apart and that maybe i should just end the relationship. she did do a couple of things that hurt me, like she would still talk and be friends with her ex-boyfriend which really bothers me. her ex boyfriend was a drughead and cheated on her and dated her for 2 weeks. and i still feel hurt when she talks to this other friend of hers, which he is also a druggy and is not a good influence. i always have a depressed feeling when she talks to these guys, because i just feel like both of those guys want to take her from me. these two guys would both talk trash about me being a wimpy boyfriend to her, as she told me what they said about me. it hurt me that she would still talk and be friends with them when they just trash on me. i just have uncertainty about this, i love her with all my heart but at times i should realize where this relationship could potentially head. also i met this girl at my high school, im a freshman and my girlfriend is a grade younger. but this freshman girl i met at high school, is such a nice girl and this girl also likes me and wanted me to be closer with her. but i had to turn her down and stay just as friends because of my relationship. but sometimes i feel that i shouldnt have turned her down and that i should have broken up with my girlfriend because at times i feel like my girlfriend just doesnt want to talk to me, and when she would say “i love you” on the phone her tone sounds like she doesnt even mean it all. i just need some advice and guidance.

    • Meet the right vietnamese girl cuz most of the vietnamese girl just want to be with Korean guys just cuz of the visa and money and kpop. Think about whether its a truelove or just a immature teen love – – no dramas. If you arent thinking to marry her, forget it cuz vietnamese people are crazy in lots of ways. I am also Korean and i know you lived in Vietnam.

  155. Hi there, my partner and I have been in an LDR for about 2 months, yeah I know not long at all. We live quite a few states away so we never see each other:( at first things were going great between him and I but these days lately just haven’t been good. He hasn’t wanted to call or Skype with me in almost 3 weeks and I hate asking if he wants to because I always know the answer…he used to be so sweet but lately he hasn’t said really anything sweet like he used to. He has depression and I’m thinking maybe this whole time hes been like this is because of that (he hates christmas) but today I asked him if he wanted the relationship and wanted it to work. He said “idk…its just difficult. Your so far away” and that really hurt. I just want things back to the way it was, I want us to work so so badly he makes me soooooo happy. Do you have any tipson how iI could make this whole thing better?

    • I feel like that’s kind of how LDRs go. If both people aren’t slightly miserable during it, it means they might not care enough about each other (you know, to be miserable). The only advice I can give is that Skyping isn’t for everything. I recently found out that one of my friends who has been in a LDR for a little over a year NEVER skypes with her boyfriend. In the beginning they skyped every day, then twice a week, then once a week, then once a month… but he REALLY hates skype. He prefers emails, sending silly video messages, etc. Skype doesn’t work for everything.

      You can plan a visit every other month to keep the romance alive… but other than that, you have to figure out what works for y’all as a couple. I think you can do it!

  156. HI, my partner and I haven’t seen each other in 3yrs. yes, you read it right. no physical contact. he left when our daughter was only 1y/o to work in the US. my daugther and I are left here in Asia. its very hard and expensive to get a US tourist need to have atleast USD 250/ea to apply for a visa (for all the fees and documents) so for me and my daughter that would e USD 500. If we are denied we cant refund the money and USD 500 is equivalent to 2months of allowance here. our chance of getting a visa is very small. so can you just imagine the everyday pain that we go through. 4 christmases, birthdays and a lot special occasions were celebrated without him. its hard to raise a child alone and explain why her dad needs to work abroad. i know its also hard for my partner because he wasnt able to see her daughter grow. but we kept on enduring all these and we even gained more respect for each other. we have a lot of sacrifices just to make this work. because if you truly love someone you will do everything for that person. you will do everything to make the relationship last. right now we just make the most of what we have. we skype, email, voice chat and we surprise each other with gifts and we never fail to say i love you everyday. so to everyone who is in a LDR, as long as you know its true love then just hang in there cause one day our happily ever after will come. just keep the faith. Goodluck

    • I hope you are able to get a visa soon – actually my fiance can’t really come to America either (to live) – so we are going to live in Japan. It is very difficult to get a tourist/working visa in America… which is very sad for LDR couples.
      I wish you the best!

      • Hi Grace, thank you so much for your blog. It’s very inspiring :) if I may ask, how do you deal with paying college debt (if you have any) while you live in Japan? My significant other is in the Philippines and I wouldn’t mind moving to live there but concerned about growing college and med school debt that I would need to take care of here in the States. Also, how did you increase your chances for getting a tourisr visa for Ryosuke? Thanks :)

        • Hi Hannah,

          Thanks for the message. Sorry I can’t be much help. I was lucky enough to graduate without college debt (I turned down my dream school for a much smaller, lesser school that offered me a scholarship). Ryosuke’s college debt is manageable – so we can pay it off in like 2 years.
          As for the tourists visa thing, Japan and the US have a special agreement, so he didn’t actually have to apply for a visa. He used a visa waiver. But I don’t think the Philippines has the same agreement. Sorry…

  157. I’m only 15 & I’m in a long distance relationship too! My bf only lives 3 hours away and my dad wont let me date so I only see him when I go to my sisters and it’s really hard because texting and skyping and all that is what we do. I see him every once in a while and its so hard.. I mean I get sooo nervous before seeing him and like throwing up wise! I think I have anxiety.. Do u have any advice on how to get rid of this throwing up feeling and not being able to eat before seeing him? It really sucks! But this is real, I’m in soo much love. We’ve been dating for 9 months. I can’t wait till 1 year :) But then again I’m so nervous too see him again. He’s different then every other guy!

    • I think that’s a pretty normal feeling – even if you’ve been dating for 9 months. That’s just how LDRs go. It’s a mix of nerves and happiness – but I wish you the best.
      Perhaps just remember how much you love him and how safe you feel, and then the throwing up feeling will go away…?

  158. My long distance boyfriend gets mad for little things :(
    like yesterday I told him I wanted to talk on the phone just because I felt like it and he says no come on skype but I’m like my little bro’s here outside in the living room (where my computer is) He’s like use your laptop or come on skype on the iphone AND HE KNOWS trust me I have some issues with my wifi and since I know he’s the type of person that gets mad easily I didn’t bother coming on skype on the laptop because eventually after 5 seconds it was going to disconnect and I’d rather talk with him on the phone then be disconnected after 5 seconds. Then I’m like I just want to lay on my bed and talk with you on the phone.
    He calls and then I could hear it in his voice how he’s so moody and when I ask him what’s wrong he’s just like you never listen to me. Why are you lying, if you don’t want to talk with me on skype just tell me straight up. He’s like you live in Canada how can the wifi be so slow or disconnect and then he’s just like you never own up to your mistake and just gets mad and hangs up without even hearing my side of the story :(
    I’m a really sensitive person and when he gets mad and blames me for the fight and says it’s my fault I just can’t help but cry
    Honestly i love him dearly but he just makes me feel so bad sometimes and then I end up doubting myself that I did do something wrong when clearly it wasn’t even a big deal to get mad about :/

    • Aw man, that sounds really sucky. Sorry to hear. People sometimes go crazy during LDRs – it’s really hard to communicate with all that distance between you.

      I used to hang up on my then-boyfriend (now fiance) when we fought; he eventually sat me down and was just like “no more hanging up during a fight. Period. End of discussion. That just makes it worse” and made me promise to talk through everything. I’m not sure if your boyfriend will agree to that, but I’ve found it’s really helpful…

  159. I can relate to this a lot, Ive been dating my boyfriend fora year and a half now and its been hard, We’ve known each other a long time on deviant art and met at portcon, a year and a half ago where he asked me out officially, ever since we’ve been skypeing everyday and i am actually going to his house over christmas break and it terrifies me that if i get there and find out I’ve wasted my time. his moms paying for my bus ticket which will be a24 hour trip. and i am petrified about aall the what ifs!!!

    • Woah. Good luck meeting his family. That’s good that they’re supportive (or at least supportive enough to pay for bus tickets). Still, 24 hours is a long time. That really IS long distance…

      I don’t think it will be a “waste.” I mean, as long as youve had fun this last year, then you have no regrets. I totally crushed on someone on deviantart (back when I used to draw)… Mine never worked out (it was more one-sided than anything else. He drew such pretty pictures). But still, bring back memories :)

  160. So yea, this totally makes sence and relates to me atm. I have been in a long distance realtionship for a year now. Sadly we havent been able to travel and meet up with each other at all :/ Next year will be the start of my freshman year in college. He really wants me to try and come to Seattle (where he lives) for school, but I am in Virginia and CANNOT aford to move myself and all my stuff and pay out of state tuition. We speak everyday with each other and I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else. But the other day we got to talking about college and he brought up that he wishes he could be there with me and that its not fair for me to have to go through such an amzing time in my life without being able to see or touch someone I need and love. He boldly told me he wasnt breaking up with me at all and that he loves me, but that he wants me to promise not to turn down guys that are intersted in me just becuase of him. :( I see his intentions are good and he wants me to be happy, but hearing that still stung a bit. I’ve been waiting for the convo to happen but it still sucks. I agreed but voiced how much I didnt like not being able to be with him atm. Like most LDR feel. We are happy that college will free up my time and privac so now we can skype and have an uninterupted phine call instead of alwasy relying on text. Thank you for this blog!! It rings true for me. I have, and still am, going through all of this wiith him.

    • I’m glad you both had that conversation. It’s hard. I think that’s a conversation LDR couples need to have – but it will always sting. I can understand where both of you are coming from. Just looking at the numbers – nearly every single LDR fails within the first year, especially when it comes to college. I saw so many friends that had been in LDRs for 2-3 years before their freshman year, but ended up breaking up in November of their freshman year (nicknamed “break-vember” because it happened so often.

      But you sound like you’re really into him, so I hope you can make the distance. It’s not impossible. It really isn’t. I saw a couple successful LDR couples – their time apart in college made them even stronger. Perhaps just have a conversation with him about where your relationship is going (dating, marriage, etc), and that might clear up with him that you won’t be looking for a replacement or anything.
      Anyways, hope that helped!

  161. Anonymous // 8 December, 2013 at 8:33 pm //

    I just 100% can relate!

  162. Thanks for writing this. I’ve been in a LDR for 2,5 years now and it’s so hard. We live in separate (but neigbouring) countries, 4h away with train. What I’m most worried about is not being able to close the distance for a long time. We both have young kids and it’s not fair on any of us to give up custody of our kids (we both share custody 50/50 with the other parent) just so that we can be together. We try to see each other every 2-3 weeks but it’s still hard being separated. Right now I’m going through a phase of “that nagging feeling”…

    • Thank you for sharing. I’ve never actually met a couple in an LDR with children – that sounds very rough. I wish I could give you advice, but it seems like y’all are a lot further along than my fiance and I are.
      I hopoe everything works out for you!

      (PS – do both sets of kids ever see each other/like each other?)

  163. I actually stumbled onto your post here through Google search… but I think it’s been the most relatable post about LDR so far for me… Every point hits home, especially about the physical contact and the one about not being able to be there for you when you need him. My boyfriend is currently studying his last year of undergrad in the UK while I’m in Toronto doing exchange – the time difference is very hard to cope with, especially as.. well as strange as this sounds, I would rather him to be in the later time zone so that he doesn’t have to go to bed before I do – because it gets super lonely at night when I’m done with all my work and just want to talk to him but he’s already asleep…

    We recently had a bit of a road block because he finds online messaging very impersonal and disjointed – while I of course have no problem with it. I guess it can just be really hard not to want to talk to him all the time, and sometimes when I message him about trivial things I encountered during the day on facebook, facebook messaging does that horrible thing that tells you he’s seen the message but hasn’t said anything which makes me feel like he may be ignoring me or just not interested and that definitely doesn’t feel good. But I do know that he normally doesn’t intentionally ignore me; he just feels that he has nothing useful to say to me?

    I think the pillow and his shirt idea is actually pretty good – I already sleep with his hoodie every night but I didn’t think about that! Haha, thank you :) but definitely, when I spent the whole night at the emergency clinic at a hospital – he was in class and so I was really upset that he couldn’t be there for me – and you are right, words can only go so far – even after he messaged me I felt like I didn’t get the comfort I had expected from just knowing that he knows I was in the hospital.

    So, thank you for posting this. I will come back to it whenever I feel like everything is too overwhelming or too hard to continue.


  164. I read this article and I can totally relate to it. I am currently in a long distance with my boyfriend. He just moved to Taiwan and I live in Thailand. We have been dating for almost 9 months now. (We have done long distance once for about 3 months and this time has been over a month now) It has been really tough for me, actually, for both of us because we got really used to being around each other from the moment we work up till we went to bed. We love hand holding, snuggling, and just hanging out with each other. He is my best friend and the most amazing guy I’ve ever met. We are working hard on adjusting with the distance thing. We are both very lonely because we want to be close to each other so much. However, we promised to each other after I’m done school, we will get married and move to America together so he can further his study. Every night I wish the two years would end as fast as possible or were already over.

    • *I’ll be done school in 2 years :)

    • Wow. That’s so sweet. I really hope everything works out. Long distance relationship stories always make me happy. I also recommend posting pictures/stories/challenges on the Long Distance Subreddit on
      Everyone on there is very supportive~

      What are your tips for long distance?

  165. Im in a long distance relationship have been for a year now he.lives in ct and im in newmexico its is hard we tryed skype but it kept actin up so now we use kik and txt vids to each other as much as possible i have to use his hoodieand his pillow he left me to cuddle up 2 as for seeing each other its very rare only a week to 2 weeks every other 4 to 6 months maybe less we even put our wedding plsns on hold since hes saving money to move in with me which means i havent seen him physically in 7 months but so far were staying strong

    • 7 months without a visit? Wow, y’all are strong.
      Every time we do long-distance, I always make my fiance leave his hoodie with me. I put it on a pillow and cuddle with it every night :)

      • yea its really tough im hoping that within a year he can move his job is really demanding and let just hope next month for xmas he can visit it always help if u have something of theres to cuddle with

  166. I find this article honest, and at the same time, practical. Sometimes, we allow love to consume us too much that we fail to look at things sensibly. This article will help you open your eyes and heart to other possibilities and encourage you to deal with things maturely. Also, this article teaches you to be selfless. I know how long distance relationship can be hard for both of you, but try to weigh the situation. If bad news and heartaches are all you can share to your love one abroad, try to think how this would affect him and his well-being. This post is worth the read!

    • Thank you so much. I didn’t realize how difficult “self help” articles were until I started to write them myself. There are a lot of conflicting opinions out there, I guess what works for one person doesn’t work for others.

      I think you have some great ideas on long distance relationships.
      I just looked through your Whymenleave site and love the advice!

      What got you into writing?

  167. Your blog is amazing.. It definitely mirrors the way I feel about my long distance relationship. Just like you and your fiancé, my boyfriend and I were together for 6 months and then he got stationed in Japan. He is in the navy and I am here in the US. It has been really hard because he is deployed in a ship right now and we don’t have the luxury to have Skype dates. We rely and on emails and Facebook chats. It was easier when he was still in japan but it got really difficult when all we have is email and Facebook chat. He is also very busy with his job that sometimes he doesn’t get to talk to me. I find myself crying a lot at night. I also watch our videos and our old text messages when we used to live together here in the states but I can’t help but to just be sad. He wanted me to move to japan but I am in a program here in the states and will not be done with school for 2 more years. He will be back in the states in 3 years and so we will continue our LDR as far as we can only because I can’t see myself with anyone else but him. We need to work on our trust but I know our relationship is not impossible. Everyone goes through different hardships but I do believe that if you love each other enough.. You will conquer the hardships that will come your way. Sometimes I feel like I put more of the effort even though I am busy with school. But I can’t blame him.. He is in the military. However, I will be visiting him in Japan this December so I am excited and maybe then we can communicate about everything. Thank you for this blog, your relationship gives me lots of hope.

    • I really do admire you. My cousin was in a LDR with a man in the military (her high school sweetheart), and I watched her plan her days around the clock, hoping for their once-a-week phone call.
      It was heartbreaking and terrifying to watch.

      I wish you all the best.
      In the end it didn’t work out for my cousin. I don’t think I could make it work either, without Skype and regular visits.
      I really do admire people like you with such love and devotion – to make it work no matter what. That is incredible!

  168. Thank you, I’m currently in a Long Distance relationship and of course, everything you mentioned has definitely had a huge impact in my life, those feelings that are so hurtful and thoughts created that might not even be real just hurts but thank you for this, I’m glad I found it.,

    • I wish you all the best in your long distance relationship. I’m glad you can relate.
      I’ve been using the Reddit Long Distance to connect with other people in a long distance relationship – since reading people’s stories has been helping me feel better.

      • I appreciate your words Grace, your words made me feel better. I haven’t heard of Reddit’s long distance but I will look it up. I will also always check your blog from now on, since I’ve found someone who’s also in the same predicament as me.

  169. What in the world did we do without Skype?!

    I was in a serious relationship when I came to Japan (supposedly just for a year). We made it most of that year just with snail mail and the old regular long distance (110 yen a minute) phone! I’m thankful now that things turned out the way they did, of course, since we broke it off just before my future husband came back to Japan from the US and I decided to stay another year, but I still remember how hard it was.

    May your time apart fly by more quickly than you can now imagine!

    • I like to say Skype has saved my relationship. It makes long distance so much easier.

      I know several couples that did months or years of snail mail (that was the standard back then); I admire them, but I know I could never do that. Between Skype, email, snail mail, and Facebooking pictures – the time flies :)

      • My boyfriend works offshore he is a captain of a 280ft.vessel and stays gone for 4-6 weeks at a time so i know hes not with anybody else when were apart.Its hard yes but if u really love an care for that person an have a strong relationship an communicate i think that it will b fine.I no his every move while he is away.I no when he will b hm n lvs.Hes only hm for 2weeks n he always has suprises planed for us when he comes hm so everyday is spent together.He is a wonderful exciting very very romantic.

        • That sounds wonderful – I wish you the best!

          • Hey Grace! You’re and inspiration truly! I met my boyfriend on new Yearsa last year And we have been together ever since. It will be out anniversary this New Years, but of course I can’t spend it with him. I got a job just to save up for a plane ticket for the summer, I’m on the university track team, I’m an RA and…my classes are tough! I’ve struggled to manage my time this semester and cried a lot. I miss my boyfriend so much and he is so comforting but I start to worry that I should be doing homework instead I skyping for 3 hours, but then 30 mins a day feels so incomplete! I’m having trouble accepting that it’s okay to only see him every other day or that setting aside an hour a day for him is okay and absolutely necessary! If I can’t have an hour a day or 2 hours together a day to myself, what kind of way is this to live?

            The scheduling feels weird, but is necessary. It feels like I’m scheduling my love, but I must. Cause it does hurt when they go out and just think they can skype whenever, it messes up my homework and focus, cause I would much rather skype my boyfriend for 3 hours than do my homework and I just waste ime waiting for him to get home cause I ant focus. It’s about self control and staying focused and balanced, but I just don’t know how much Skype time is enough. I’m afraid our live will fade, but I guess that’s silly. It’s just going from seeing someone everyday physically for 6 weeks to just a few hours a day feels like not enough, but I guess I’ve got to make it enough, right?

            I only see my boyfriend in the summer, but he is the only man I can ever be with!

          • Your story sounds inspirational. I know it’s a bit weird to “schedule” your love, but I think that is a necessary part of a long distance relationship.
            Hopefully it will get better.

            But I totally understand having to Skype above everything else (otherwise I can’t concentrate on work…)

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