The Four Stages of Long-Distance: Surviving the Separation

Inner racial couple heart

Long-Distance isn’t fun. Anyone can tell you that. But you also can’t stop loving someone just because they live too far away. Most people would rather try to make the distance work; even if they know they are going to fail, they at least want to try.

For couples “new” to the whole long distance relationship thing, I highly recommend Chris Bell’s Book: The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide

Or, of course, my own book (written right after my husband and I moved to Tokyo and our LDR ended) My Japanese Husband Thinks I’m Crazy: The Comic Book

To make it work, I think you need to understand exactly what happens in a long-distance relationship. I’ve notice they follow four general steps: Denial, Short-term depression, Loneliness, and Acceptance. These are my thoughts.

The Four Stages of Long Distance: 

1. Denial. This technically starts before the long distance relationship even begins. It’s that first stage, right before you leave, that you tell them “don’t go.”

It can be anything from “Just stay for a couple more hours” to “Push your flight back a couple days, I will pay the difference.” It is that first stage of panic, tears, and anxiety of separation.

2. Short-term extreme depression/loneliness. This happens usually directly after they leave. It always hits me the hardest when my fiancé’s bus pulls away. I always cry. It’s even worse when it is a plane or train.

At this point, you don’t actually miss them yet. You are just depressed because you know how much you are going to miss them. For me, this stage usually lasts between a couple minutes to all day (depending on whether it is going to be a couple days or a couple months until I see my significant other).

At the beach with my fiance, Galveston Texas

3. Steady depression. It’s exactly what it sounds like. When my fiancé and I are not in the same city, I’m depressed. Not deeply depressed, just a little bit – just enough that people who know me can tell if he’s visiting or not.

This stage goes on for as long as you want it to. I have friends in long distance relationships that are depressed for nearly a week every time their significant other visits, then leaves. I also have friends that recover almost instantly. Everything finally settles on the final step: Acceptance.

4. Acceptance. The problem with acceptance is that it can come in either one of two forms: Replacement or Surrender.

Replacement is by far the worst. 90% of couples I know that are in long-term relationships have opted for replacement. Replacement means what it sounds like; you replace your significant other with something so that you don’t miss them so much. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you are replacing them with another person; it is also common to replace a loved one with a hobby, job, friends, clubs, or horrible reality television (like Toddlers in Tiaras, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, or Judge Judy). The basic gist of replacement is that you’ve gotten tired of that hole in your heart, so you try to use all that frustration, depression, and loneliness and turn it into something productive.

Last year, during winter break, while I was away from my then-boyfriend, now fiancé Ryosuke, I made close to 100 cloth flowers with a mold I got from a friend. Each flower took about 20 minutes to make (at least), with another 10 minutes attaching it to something (a hair clip, hair band, or pin). In a four week period, I spent almost 60 hours making cloth flowers because I felt lonely.

At the time, I felt pretty proud of myself. Now – not so much.

Inner racial, innerracial Japanese American couple

You see, the problem with replacing your loved one with a hobby or craft is that it is taking up the energy you used to devote solely to your significant other. So, not only are you physically too far apart to see each other (which makes it much harder), by throwing yourself into a project, you are also making yourself emotionally unavailable.

I know when I’ve hit this phase because I don’t want to Skype with my fiancé. I don’t have energy for him, I don’t want him to see me because I feel useless, or maybe I feel like I don’t have time. Skyping becomes something I dread doing, instead of what used to be the highlight of my day (earlier in step 3).

This is how long distance relationships fail. One or both parties start to replace their significant other with something (another person, a hobby, or extra work). This causes resentment. Resentment causes fighting and even more depression.

Eventually one or both sides do not feel like the relationship is worth it anymore. This can take anywhere from a couple weeks to a couple months. I’ve even seen relationships last long-distance for over a year and then suddenly fall apart.


The other option is Surrender. Surrendering means that you realize that your situation is miserable. You wish you could see your significant other, but you can’t. And then, rather than trying to replace them with something else, you move on.

Sit down and compartmentalize your life. When your significant other is gone, there’s going to be a hole. Something will be missing. But there’s nothing wrong with that. You can live with a little hole in your heart, as long as you learn to accept it – rather than fix it. However, you realize that whatever feeling you have right now will be “worth it” when you finally do get to see your significant other again. It helps if you can see them at least once a month. If you can’t – just keep the date you get to see them again someone in plain view (like taped to the back of your door or on the refrigerator). Knowing that date makes the distance easier.

Seijinshiki photos of a foreigner (Coming of Age Ceremony)

Every time you visit each other, the cycle repeats from step 1. Eventually you just get used to it.

Final thoughts:

Relationships are not easy, but long-distance relationships are especially challenging. If you really love each other and are 100% committed to making it work, regardless of the cost, then you have hope.

If you are not 100% committed… don’t try. I’ve been in a failed long-distance relationship (where I was putting in more effort than he was) and it was incredibly frustrating and painful. Don’t waste someone else’s time like that. I understand not wanting to break up because you love them, but you have to realize that every day they spend in a long-distance relationship, they are sacrificing opportunities (job, friends, potential lovers) to stay with you.

Dog shaming photo Japan

My failed long-distance relationship only lasted about a month and a half and the entire time I thought there was something wrong with me. I swore never to do another long-distance relationship… and then I met my fiancé, a Japanese student studying abroad at my college for a year. We lived in the same dorm and dated for about 6 months before he went back to Japan. I followed him for a 15 month study abroad in Japan (I had already planned to study in Japan, dating him extended my study abroad by about 4 months). I have never once felt worthless or alone in our relationship.

Even though we’re still doing long distance (I live in Tokyo, he lives a ten hour bus ride away in Akita), we’ve never been better. I like who I am when I’m with him a whole lot more than I like myself when he’s not around.

[Edit: We’re married now, living in Tokyo. We continued doing long distance until I graduated from college, had a beautiful ceremony in Texas, and shipped off to Japan shortly after. We are more in love today than we were, almost three years ago, when we started dating].

Wedding Ursinus College Grace and Ryosuke amwf wedding amww couple

Opportunities will come and go, but I want him to stay forever.

Skiing in the Nagano prefecture

Add me on Google Plus: +Grace Buchele

About Grace Buchele Mineta

I got into the writing business by accident. Now I live in the countryside near Tokyo with my husband, Ryosuke, where I draw comics, blog, and make videos about our daily life. Contact: Website | More Posts

292 Comments on The Four Stages of Long-Distance: Surviving the Separation

  1. SheWhoShallNotBeNamed // 7 June, 2016 at 7:18 am //

    I just left my boyfriend who lives 2000 km away, we celebrated our one year anniversary together during my visit.

    Now our relationship will get really difficult. We used to always play online games everyday but now he’s going to school and his breaks will be really limited, along with the only Internet connection will be ethernet cables so we can’t really talk on WhatsApp or such, and messaging via SMS costs too much when it’s a different country.

    He says he’s doing it for our relationship, so that he can support us, but I don’t know if I can survive that long without him. It will be 2 years of very tight schedules for us but I love him and he does so much for me.

    As an already depressed individual I have always been fairly closed up, I can get happy with a lot of group happiness to influence my mood, but the way I can get happy with him is different from that. I opened up so much in my stay with him and I was so happy, but it also made me more vulnerable to the pain that followed.

    It really breaks me down and I feel really hopeless with my life right now, but this post helped me a lot so thank you.

  2. Hello it is my first day since my husband has moved to the UK while I am writing this he will be arriving in the UK. I won’t be able to see him for a while. We in the process of immigrating to the UK and we have to meet the requirements as I am south African. I am 24 yrs I have known and been with my husband for 10 yrs this is the first time I have been apart from him please I really need support really I do. I am only sad when I am at home alone

    • Anonymous // 31 May, 2016 at 3:22 am //

      I am really sorry for your situation, I hope it will get better soon and join your husband. Is very tough to be in a long distance relationship. I live this situation too, and what hurts me more is that when I tell him how I feel lonely and depressed, he starts blaming me and says I am negative and never happy and that he can’t do more.

  3. Anonymous // 29 March, 2016 at 11:17 am //

    I’m on the East Coast. He’s on the West Coast. Trying to survive the months before he moves to the East Coast, and what gets me through is something he said to me that put it in to perspective: He asked me “You know those hypothetical questions that ask things such as ” would you go without a shower for a year for a Million bucks?”.
    “Well”, he said, “I think of it as “Would you be willing to endure 8 months of separation if it meant having the best relationship of your life at the end of it?””
    This is only one of the endless reasons why I love him. And, why he’s worth it.

  4. I came across this article while desperately searching for something to cheer me up, my husband and I see each other once a month, it never gets any easier, if anything it gets harder every time. This month we were together for 3 weeks, the longest we’ve been together so far. Before he left he said “What a cruel world it is, when a husband and wife are separated”, and every time i think of it the tears roll down my face. I miss him uncontrollably, and knowing I wont see him for another 4 weeks is killing me. This article gave me a small sense of reassurance, maybe if I try hard enough it’ll get easier. Thank you.

  5. Stephanie Noel // 22 January, 2016 at 11:08 am //

    Thank you for this article. It really hit home and is putting things into perspective. I’m having a hard time with my current long distance relationship due to my depression and anxiety. I am really hoping that I can overcome it but it’s hard when he doesn’t even know where he will be in a weeks time. (He’s a touring actor) thank you again. Your words will help me.

    • hi.. this is so mucj comforting to read thank you. i feel like im dying from loneliness.. i know i cant compare to what u guys are feeling .my bf just left to go onboard in the us. im from the philippines 10 months contract. no guarantees wen we will see each other again, im also waiting for my schedule to go onboard also. i miss him so much my only wish is i get to leave as soon as possible so its possible for us to see each other when we comes back here on november. he can only wait for not more that 4_ months till he het gets a new contract. we met in culinary school. i had no intention for falling inlove, we both had plans to work on a cruise ship and when go accepted we are in to deep in the relationship. we got accepted in different company him in princess and me in p and o uk. we lived together for a year,everyday we weere literally together, i miss him. this ldr thing makes me feel scared and insecure like im gonna lose him. saddest part is we dont know if we will see each other again, cos if i get a later contract our vacations wont match and it will go on and on with contracts… im so lonely.

    • Hi Stephanie

      I’m currently in a Long Distance R. Im currently having problems with my boyfriend since he is going through depression and anxiety moments. I’ve always been suportive but over time he is only getting more distant. He tell me the feeling comes being worry about future not us..but still.. I want to ask you since you are or were feeling like that. …is the way you are feeling as well making you to push away your boyfriend without a direct intention? Has depression affected your relationship somehow as well? I feel that the only thing I can do now is just to give him space. But it hurts a lot not knowing if it’s about us in certain point or if it’s the depression. At this point I feel I should just tell him to go and figure out himself and come back certain if he is willing to commit or not to this relationship.

  6. Hi, my name is Mirabell and i am in a long distance relationship too. We were together for the past three years until he travelled in last year to pursue a masters degree in France. I am so depressed and cant stop myself from missing him. We communicate frequently and are so much in love with each other. How do i suppress this depression.

  7. I’m reading this post in the depression of missing my boyfriend so much but neither can I see him now nor do I wanna tell him how miserable I am now (I don’t want my feelings to cause him any burden). My boyfriend is also a Japanese student who stayed in my city for half a year during his exchange semester. He’s not my first love but he has been my best lover who always makes me feel loved and appreciated and whole, he’s also my best friend with whom I share every little things in my life. I feel something so special in him I could never find in anyone else, that’s why I, who never believed in LDR, decided to give this precious relationship a try. We parted two weeks ago after spending our last days together travelling to a beautiful beach city. I thought I would feel alright after he left since we can still manage our daily conversations the way we have always done, and we are both good at keeping ourselves busy with study and work. But whenever the night comes I miss him so much I wish I could hold him in my arms right now or even just simply see his smile in my eyes. I keep asking questions like why we can’t be together even though we are truly in love, why life is so unfair for us. Distance creates such impossibilities that make me feel so powerless and helpless. I love him so much all these torturing longing seems worth it but I don’t know how to get over these feelings. It hurts much more than I thought I guess. I’m trying to make a reunion possible in a few months with a plan of coming to Tokyo very soon (he’s in a different city though), still I need to stay strong so that our relationship will not be affected by negativity. Anyway as I find in your story some similar parts to ours, it really inspires me somehow and gives me hope too. Thank you for sharing your happy ending story :)

    • HighClere // 21 January, 2016 at 4:37 pm //

      Hi, i am in the same situation, but i live in the philippines and my Bf from Dallas. He went back December 1st. I still feel bad and i wonder when i could adjust to the current situation.. im scared to lose him. we dont have a set date on when to see each other because my US tourist visa was denied but im planning to re-apply later this year… I feel powerless too :( why does the US govt wont allow me to visit… i dont intend on over staying in the US. i just want to see him and hold him again :( worst part is when he comes home from work, he immediately read his book or play a game on his laptop.. we seldom skype now.. just chat on fb, it makes me incomplete :( i wanna hear your story and how it is going maybe that would make me less lonely, can message me: email is

  8. And he broke up with me. No reason, no explanation..nothing. Just isn’t working out. I had 5 interviews in Tennessee…we talked about us living together, we talked about our future together…and he literally texted me that things felt off and we were just on different pages.
    -Blue In Texas

  9. Google_Panda // 9 January, 2016 at 8:22 am //

    I can help but cry…my SO has left me 21 minutes ago to go back to his home country. We have been doing a LDR for over a year now. This was his first visit and lasted only a week. He lives in Canada while I live in the US. I will only get to see him once a year for the next 5—7 years. My heart is aching already..

  10. My gf and I have been dating four four years..we lived together for three of them…then she decided she wanted to move to japan (we are in michigan usa) for a job teaching english. She claims she is doing it for us so she can get a translating job in the USA but she also said it was her dream since she was a child to go…this is after I used my money from a near fatal hit n run to buy us an apt. Dishes, etc etc..thinking we were starting our life together…we spoke ofmarriage, etc. ..bit she has no set date to return and says she may stay another year may not….we’re ten months in and starting to feel sick to my stomach, instead of depressrion, depression and feeling akward when we txt or talk…it doesn’t feel goodanymore, ever and I feel like a fake. But I spent so much on her, loved her, and I feel she left me high and dry…she owes me debt from. Our apt, utilities I covered, the toilet she broke, etc…all came outta of my depositary funds. Now she us saying she doesn’t know if she is coming home next hurts so bad but I feel this isn’t healthy, and I feel so shitty and guilty feeling angry and alone. The worst thing is I’ve been hete before…dated someone for four years, they left, we did the Ltd this g for many years and he never committed or made plans for me…I don’t want to waste my life waiting again..bur she loves and supporys,me so much..

  11. I have been in a LDR for almost 3yrs now. He was in Medical school, studying, rotations everywhere (which is how I met him). I stumbled across this site because everytime we end our phone call, I feel alone again. I try to keep myself busy, occupied and happy. I miss him every day, but it’s worse at night. He’s trying to find a job while he is waiting for residency (now finished school) and I’m struggling with the feeling of disconnection and loneliness somehow.

    We have such a strong connection and communicate every single day! (Literally). After reading some comments I can’t help but to feel somewhat spoiled or selfish with my feelings. He calls me everyday and some don’t here from them for a whole week or days. Even when he was abroad in England (we even met in Paris during his stay), he would get on Facebook to call me because he had no cell service.

    This void I feel when he’s not around is hard at times and all I want to do is lay in my bed and zone out. Close my eyes and imagine he is laying next to me to calm down. The transition from seeing eachother every other week, to once a month due to his interviews has been hard on me. I am happy for his accomplishments and goals. I support him for everything, but I can’t help but feel alone sometimes.

    He promised things would get better when he graduated and that he would be around more. Actually he’s around less and I’m not sure if he realizes it. Hes so wrapped up in trying to do other things that I don’t know where I stand in his mind sometimes. I try not to think too much about it because I could be doing it to myself, but I can’t help but miss him a lot.

    I don’t want anyone else and I’m so sure of what we have that someone else doesn’t make sense. I was in a relationship prior to this for 6 yrs and never felt the way I do about him. He was engaged and left her because he met me (sounds bad) but he wanted to leave her anyway. He said I was the only woman he had met that changed his mind about the way a relationship should and could be. He was miserable with her.

    A very small part of me wonders what I need to do about these feelings. Should I continue to wait? (Mind yelling yes!) but it’s painful almost every night. I become depressed when I see couples together because that’s all I want is to just be able to touch him and I cant even do that.

    • It’s highly possible that you will never read this reply that I’m writing you, but the situation that I’m in is so relatable to yours that I brought tears to my eyes. I met my boyfriend freshman year in college. He was a senior. I got into the relationship without thinking about the sacrifices and difficulties of a long-distance relationship. At the time, we were simply so happy. He’s in NYC now and I’m still at college, currently a sophomore. I’ve been really struggling these past few days. We talk everyday, but he is now studying for the MCATs, a test that requires extensive studying. Of course, I understand that I cannot expect him to reply to my texts as quickly as before and that I won’t be able to him until months later. I felt like I’ve been doing ok with coping. But yesterday, I felt like something in my broke. I was on the phone with him and my thoughts were running at 100 mph. I couldn’t get all my words out and the words I could get out, I couldn’t my coherent.

      I do not know is I’ve doubted our relationship. I desperately wish I could say confidently that I have 100% faith in our bond, but I am not sure. It’s hard now and will only get harder once I graduate and once he enters medical school. I feel the same way you did when scrolling through the comments. Are my feelings justified? There are people here who see their SO once a year, and here I am, too weak to cope with a separation spanning the length of two months.

      It’s just, I’m so tired. I’m tired of this emotional roller coaster than I’m on. I wish I could see it from another point of view. I wish that went he gets on that bus and another period of loneliness begins, that I can be happy for the time we had together rather then seeing long impediment of time. But it’s so hard.

      But I love him. I love him so much and the thought of giving up is unimaginable. I’m feeling very alone right now, but I know this feeling is not permanent. I will see him soon.

  12. This is such a very helping article . I am in a long distance marriage for 9months now and I am in a steady depression .

  13. Me and my boyfriend(zachary) met online we started talking texting talking on the phone a month pass which is now August i planned on visting him first but somehow things didnt work that way he came to vist me in (stl) for about 2 weeks it was the best moments in my life we connected so well and so good We decided to try dating so when the two weeks was over he went back home (houston texas)it didnt hit me that he was gone until later that night i cried and cried days and days tired to think of ways i can change my life to be with him i was thinking about packing up quitting my job to move and be with him I was so lost and hurt and felt like i just lost my bestfriend it got to the point I’m thinking what if we never see each other again how do i deal with this we made planes that i would move down their in the mean time Zachary trying to find apartments we could affored he found some good ones but nothing was ever good enough i started to get worried started questioning the relationship like how is this going to work 2 months pass its oct we decided that i would fly down to see him i did for 4 days when we saw each other we we’re so happy but couldnt belive we was with each other it took a min to realize this is really happening i stayed in Houston texas for 4 days bonus it was my birthday week too.! but those for days was the best we fought got mad at each other but that connection never left it was like the first time we meet all over again i had my bestfriend back When i left to go back home i was sad but happy to go back to what iknew and loved we kissed and huged and said our Goodbyes we decide that we would see each other every other month since moving was out the window.! i plan on going down der in the middle of janurary for 4 days latly we been getting into it everyday because Zach goes hours without texting me back we have half conversations he don’t call me like he use too so i decided to do him how he does me it got to him he was in his feelings about it he changed for a couple of days maybe weeks but its the samething he been lying to me about what he really been doing so honstly i dont know i put my feelings behind just to make this work because we love each other and everybody isn’t perfect but i just want us to be happy go back to we use to be actually still feel interested in each other its enough we so far apart so how do i deal without giving up

  14. Thank you so much for this post. Myou boyfriend of 8 months is moving away in a few days, and I’ve been so worried about feeling lonely and how I will cope. Your post gives me incredible hope, and was very uplifting to read during a most depressing moment.

  15. Lucy Fontaine // 10 November, 2015 at 10:04 am //

    Y’all breaking my heart….really, am crying. Old movie called Lydia on Turner Classic Movies which came at wrong (right?) time, going to have a good cry tonite. I’ve been in LDR for 5 and a half years with a married Irishman who is 1200 miles away! I just saw him in Dallas 2 weeks ago. That’s halfway between my town and Chicago (his). We meet 4 to 5 times a year. This last time, he worked more nd is under pressure. When we parted at airport (the worst!!!) He told me (and txtd) me he wld call at end of week. He did not call, he txtd his week was like a nightmare. But then 2 days later, calls for half an hour. That was one week ago now, folks. I’ve txtd him 5x, short few words, weather, I’m buying a car, I threw up at work at went home. ….no word from him. Nothing. So I’m thinking it is time to be proactive and let this thing die. Help! Anyone can email me, would love to connect. — Lucy, at vertecircle@Yahoo.comver

  16. Anonymous // 9 November, 2015 at 3:10 pm //

    I have no clue how to deal with my bf. I partially disagree with the perspective on replacement because honestly if you’re in my shoes and your man doesn’t talk to you for weeks on end because he’s lazy as shit to call you or text, your mind will eventually worry about neglect and you’ll feel this painful longing like I have. I need my school and assignments to get me through the tough things in life and talking to him about the problem yields no results. It’s happened before. I call him but he doesn’t call me of his own accord nor does he visit me because he complains of money but I visit him. We’ve dated for two years but before that we dated four years and broke up for two. The first time around we saw each other every day but then he moved away and that’s when we broke up. He came back into my life two years after and we hooked back up again, my feelings returned and things were great for the first year and a half. Only now a few months ago I’ve started hearing from him less and he will go a week at a time without calling or texting. I have to call him and I try to keep myself occupied when he doesn’t answer which is almost always. When I have talked about it before with him he’d say he’s working or is too tired to call when he gets home, but even on the weekends he doesn’t call just sleeps and watches tv all day. I guess he doesn’t like skyping or talking, or he’s making excuses or doesn’t think about me. I’m not jealous about anything or anyone in his life cuz he’ll tell me when he’s going out with friends from work and that’s fine but it’s when he doesn’t call when he promises to after work that I won’t hear from him for days sometimes weeks at a time. He’s not the type to cheat either, he’s just lazy and inconsiderate. I’m really tired of dealing with this as we’ve gone through this before but I love him and hard to let go of him. People will never change so I need to decide wether I can handle it or move on. I’m thinking it’s best to cut ties cuz I’ll never get over him if he’s still in my life. I have been hurt before and can’t let him back in. It’s causing stress and unneeded depression when I could be moving on and recovering from my health problems and trying to enjoy life.

  17. Hey, found this article doing some self-searching online. I feel the need to share my experience and possible get some feedback. This girl and I have known each other for 7 years now. I live towards the south of the United States and she lives in Mexico just south of the border. We’re in the same time zone.

    We met on an online game. Since then, there have been many ups and downs and loop-arounds. We started as lovers in the game and it expanded to real-life. She ended up visiting me a few times, I was still a poor college student. We had hit a rough patch about 3-4 years in where she wasn’t sure if she wanted to see and talk to me ever again. This was the result of a long string of events that got us to question each others’ conviction. She decided to still talk to me, but as friends. She said that she wished for me to find a girl where I was to be able to hold and touch. Although, things didn’t seem too different between us than the way we usually are, so I didn’t mind.

    Turns out she did try seeing some other guys, but they were complete failures and I didn’t even notice because nothing seemed different between us. She did eventually meet a guy that she really liked and asked me for help since he was apparently a very introverted guy (I’m an introvert too, making me her guide for understanding other introverts). At the same time, I decided to go ahead and try getting things to work with a girl who I was interning with at the time. Several months later, we both ended up getting burned at around the same time by our attempts to start these relationships.

    Since she was available again, I decided to move on from this other girl and try my chances with her again. Thing is, she didn’t fair too well from her interactions with this guy. It left her emotionally scarred to where I had to comfort her when she was feeling the worst about herself (she’s been very thankful for my help). She also went to talk to a counselor because of how the experience impacted her. She’s gone through some changes as a person since this experience, not opening up to other men easily.

    Not too much has changed between us, but she has been doing things on her own more and emphasized on me proving my love to her. She is aware of my desire to make us a couple again and she seems fairly receptive to it, I let her know I want to come down to visit her and she’s going to let me know a good week to come down next year. She also expressed interest in visiting me where I am, but she’s not as insistent on it as she was in the past. I will hopefully be able to live where she is 2 years from now.

    Thing is, I see her less at home now that she’s doing more things in her life. We still communicate with instant messaging on our phones every day. But like this past month, I noticed myself feeling depressed on the weekends because of this even when I try to start occupied. I sometimes start having feelings of jealousy towards her friends because she’s out with them, which I know isn’t right. I don’t think I could ever tell her something like that. I had a pretty bad depressive episode today, where I really longed to be there with her and felt an empty pit on the left side of my chest. I think feeling this way every weekend has gotten to me so bad, that I seriously thought about the possibility of what it would be like to terminate things between her. I realized I couldn’t do it though. There’s just absolutely no way I can willfully cut communication with her from my life. I’ve done it with other girls (sometimes forced) but I can’t do it with her. From what she’s shared with me, I feel she couldn’t do the same either. In her words, we’re two different sides of the same soul. I truly believe that as well, it’s impossible to describe the experiences and connections we shared for 7 years, in spite of the distance.

    This brought me here now to seek any help with figuring how I should deal with my emotions over this. I still don’t want to be depressed every weekend like clockwork. I don’t want to be jealous of her friends, since they really did nothing wrong. I don’t want to feel this way about the person that has been my best friend for so long. I want to be happy with and for her. I’ve tried my best in cheering her on and it does appear to make her happy.

    • I think you should find new hobbies, or volunteer talk to your own friends and go out. Life is too short to wait for someone especially if they are moving on with their life, and it appears she is just handling better than you and using YOU to transition out of you. I understand you are heavily invested in her but from what you describe she is not into you as she once was. 2 years is a long time and too many things can happen in 2 years. Some relationships are just toxic and addicting and there is no apparent way to ever terminate those kind of relationships. I think you are trying to feel a void in your life and see her as your only escape. I guess at this point of your relationship with her you should seriously ask her what she wants and what you want out of this. If both of you are on the same page, then good for you and your plans, but if none of you are sure about what this is, you are just giving this relationship a slow death. It is better to lay it out there and speak what your heart feels and do not hold back and feel no regrets. Every relationship is about communication and if you cannot tell her how miserable you feel right now, you would only end up resenting her.

  18. I miss my boyfriend so much. We get to see each other sometimes but it still hurts being away from him, recently I’ve gotten to the stage where my depression is making me think if im losing interest in him, which I’m not cause I get extremely excited/nervous when we are about to see eachother, extremely depressed when he goes, I’m always calling him and I love calling and we’re always talking whenever we can. My depression is seriously taking a toll on me… I really do love him and I don’t want to lose him. Did anyone else go through this, and how did you get over it?

    • Hi, im also in the same situation.. met my bf online, im from the philippines and he is from texas, he visited me for 2 weeks last November to celebrate my birthday here, he went back to Texas Dec 1, i felt like my world will fall apart, I know it will be long before i meet him again. I want to visit him in texas but my US tourist visa was denied, i dont know what to do.. I feel helpless, i always cry not only at night but whenever i remember the feeling of being with him :( If anyone can suggest how i could get over this bad feeling… please help, can message me on my e-mail

  19. thanks ……….. :) am in a long distance with my boyfriend of 4 and a half………… and my biggest problem is i dont have a specific time till when this lasts……….

    my family had some financial problems and i am trying to get those cleared.I moved to a different country for a good job. Now we are on opposite sides of world. I tried replacing by work but it just got worse… i got so much depressed that i started having suicidal thoughts.. gosh!! …….. am soo …not like that.

    I am a happy person by nature i enjoy all things and now its like am not here anymore just an empty space inside me and nothing gives me even a morsel of happiness…..

    He wants to move to country i am living in like get a degree here or something like that.. I am estatic about it and at the same time dont know if he could come….

    They say distance strengthens love I so wish it is really so.

  20. Anonymous // 6 October, 2015 at 10:02 pm //

    Is it normal that I always feel like I’m angry. Everytime when we can’t talk.. Everytime she didn’t message… I ‘m jealous of people who see her everyday .. I rather want to die just not to break her heart… We’re in 9¼months. I’m feeling sorry because I always angry at her.. I just missing her so much. I’m so confused. That maybe we’re not forever. I’m so hopeless now.. Feels like I want to end it… But I can’t… I don’t want to see her with her new boyfriend. I want to cry.. Because I don’t know what to do .. Is it possible in a Long distance relationship who always fighting will be forever?

    • i dont know much about long distance relationships I have started mine like 2 months…….. but i feel same… not jealous part and angry part … but i found myself being clingy to my boyfriend pestering him to talk to me and all that even when i know he is busy and has work.

      and having second thoughts what if we are not forever … hell with suspense and end it now… but cant.
      I would be sooo empty without them.

      so yeah i think its normal but u know…… excess of anything isnt healthy.

      • anonymous // 31 October, 2015 at 6:08 am //

        Hey. Uhm I have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 and a half years…. No one, not even family could ever make me happy like he can…. Recently for a couple of months he leaves for two weeks to work and doesn’t even speak to me….I mean maybe like for 2 min of the day he will message me and I’ll ask if he ate and stuff but if not that then we only tawk at night for 15 min and by then his already exhausted and wants to sleep… I know it’s not the exact same situation but OMG all I wanna do is break down…. I’m angry wif him also even tho his working.. Everytime I think of it I feel like my heart breaks alil.. I miss him too and it makes me wonder if our relationship will really work if it continues like this?… I feel hopeless and lonely… Lonely to the extent that I feel single… I miss him and I miss us……. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but depression has conquered my life!! Is this healthy for a relationship??

      • been in a relationship with my better half for 2 years now in which we got married last year June and he left in July. I cried my eyes out everyday and could not cope not seeing him and got in the habit of hating people that see him and talk to him face to face everyday. went to visit him for 2 weeks cus i knew i would miss him much he extended my flight ticket for a week more and because of that got in trouble with work for not showing up. Anyway…… he knows how much i miss him and cry everyday he came to the UK to surprise me for 2 days which i was not expecting him but i was over the moon to see him and the day he left i had work and could not bail out on work as it was too short notice oh that got me depress and very angry at myself and hated my self when i got home i cried my eyes out thinking oh why me i remember i could still smell his perfume. we spent the whole of December together and new year too now he is gone and i feel miserable i just dont want to do anything now we wont be seeing till June because of the football season in Sweden (he is a footballer) am still at Uni i finish in may then i can move to him but it seems like forever we do Skype everyday when he is free and we stay on Skype for 7 hours or more but today is different i feel this urge of seeing so bad as he is at London Gatwick airport on a transit to Miami with his football team. then stumble on this site decided to share maybe i might stop crying…..

    • Anonymous // 9 January, 2016 at 7:45 am //

      Im going through the exact same thing, when I am with her everyhing is fine. But when we text chat, I also seem to get annoyed and vindictive with her, because she doesnt reply soon to my messages or says she is busy when I dont consider her to actually be busy. The worst thing is she seems happy even though we dont have full conversations anymore, and I always fell like there is something wrong with me!

    • HighClere // 21 January, 2016 at 4:29 pm //

      Hi, I feel the same way towards my bf… he spends his time on reading his history book or playing black desert on his computer. he has free time after his work but he decides to to those things instead of skype with me.. i feel angry and lonely. it seems to me that i miss him but he doesnt miss me as much. i got mad at him a few days ago but he said if we want to be together we must both deal with the distance. :( I dont know when i could see him again. i still have to re-apply for a US tourist visa to visit him in Dallas.. plus money is also an issue. I quit my job when he visit so i can spend two weeks with him (my job only allowed me 3 days off work) now, im t home waiting if i get the job or not… please if anyone of you feels the same please feel free to message me on my email and share your thoughts. maybe that would make me feel better..

  21. Blue in Texas // 28 September, 2015 at 10:26 am //

    Thank you, knowing my boyfriend as well as I do, he is replacing my absence with anything he can find to do. It makes me feel a little better but scares me too. I have a full time job and he is self employed and business has been slow for months. Which came crashing down this week, he was supposed to be here and he backed out last minute. I’ll be there this coming weekend for job interviews and if all goes according to hopes, I’ll be there in 2 weeks permanently.

  22. My bf unexpectedly lost his job which he thought would just be a temporary layoff but it looks like it’s more permanent now. He is from another province and I live in Ontario..he moved from his home province to Ontario and that’s were we met and have been dating for the last year. He thought the layoff was only going to be about 3 weeks so took a temporary job in his home province but now there’s no sign of him coming back anytime soon. We are completely faithfull to each other and love each other very much and I’m trying to be supportive (since he is so stressed from losing his job) but I’m fearful that the inevitable will happen with most let’s and we break up. It makes me so sad as I thought we had a real chance for the long run but how can it work if we’re not together….I’m so confused! Any suggestions?

  23. Reading your story, somehow makes me feel better. I’m currently in a long distance relationship with my Japanese boyfriend, but he’s studying in Europe right now and it’s so far away from where I live (Indonesia) so we really can’t meet before he come back to Japan, which is still one year later. I’m actually in a very anxious state, because I’ve only been going through this for half-year (never met at all) but it’s already sooo depressing. Sometimes I just want to end it to make my feeling easier. But reading such story like yours, makes me want to try again!

  24. Hi, my boyfriend left today to join a ship in Singapore( he’s in the navy) he has to do four and a half months to on board before he is qualified this means he will not be back till 2016. We have only been together/known each other for 6 months and I’ve never been so happy, he makes me want to be a better person and I didn’t think it was possible to love after a previous break up. But he spoiled me with attention everyday and now he won’t be able to speak for weeks on end. I don’t know where my head is at or who to speak to because no one understands. I want to be there in five months time but I need coping mechanism? Can anyone help with lack of communication? He only left this morning and I fell asleep for two hours and dreamed about him the whole time. It’s not sunk in yet and I’m pretty heartbroken but I want to make this work.

  25. I met my boyfriend of two years at his going away party. He went to the US for work while I stay here in Canada. The most I’ve spent with him is 2.5 months just a little while ago. Most of the time, it’s 1.5 weeks, two trips – Christmas for him, May long weekend for me. It’s insanely hard for me to do this. I never even got to have what you had, a good solid amount of relationship before the split. I never got to learn about my boyfriend by him being with me. I had to learn through texting. But the times we finally get to see each other erases all the pain I have. It’s getting to the point though that I don’t like this constant feeling of depression. But I know he is worth the wait and I keep telling myself that. I can only hope my story ends happily like your article :)

  26. Thank you for the story.
    I am very anxious because my boyfriend of almost 2 years is leaving tomorrow for Denmark and I’m leaving for England in about a month. We are both going to be studying and we won’t have enough money to see each other every month. Maybe every 2 months… I hope. If all goes well, the LDR will continue for 4 years and I am not sure whether we are prepared for that. We’ve had a lot of problems in the past but lately it’s gotten so good that I’m scared to death of losing him. He’s my sweetheart, he has taught me a lot and if I lose him, I lose my heart as well…
    I hope that we can cope with the distance, the Skypeing and all that jazz. Right now we are committed to making it work but once we are apart… I hope we can make it.

  27. I love your blog and your story!

    The love of my life and I have been in a ldr for almost two years but have known eachother for over 14. We have always loved eachother but have attempted to live life paths separately until two years ago when we finally decided that seperate wasn’t an option anymore. I’m Canadian and he’s German and that comes with its challenges of language , time zones and culture differences. We have discussed moves and the future but have yet to make any final decisions. I’m grateful for him, his love, his commitment and his time, but I have never been in such a difficult situation in my life. The distance is hard but worth it for sure.

    It’s nice to know that you’re never alone in the scenarios you’re in. That someone else is dealing the same way you are.

  28. Anonymous // 15 August, 2015 at 11:37 am //

    iv been with my girlfriend noe for 7 years it took us 5 years to see eachother and now everytime i go see her i feel like im lifted but when i leave to go bk to england it just bring me diwn like a 1000 tons….i wish i could study in canada fir a year because thats where shes from…..if anyine has any advice in how i can study in canada montreal can you reply to me on

    i truely love her with all my heart and soul

  29. Anonymous // 15 August, 2015 at 6:05 am //

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. November marking our 2 year anniversary, he’s leaving in 3 days after being here for 7 and a half months. I feel like it gets harder to let go whenever he has to leave and he gets home-sick alot which is why he’s leaving now. I can’t even look at him right now, and I’m hurting and he says he understands but he doesn’t show his feelings himself. I feel so empty, like he already left and it’s making me rethink everything we’ve put into this relationship. I love him, very much and the feelings are mutual with him too but it hurts too much to keep going through this pain whenever he leaves. He doesn’t want me to leave and I don’t want to either because I’m incomplete without him.. but I just don’t know what to do..i just want the pain to end.

  30. It’s really painful to live without ur boyfriend. My bf and I are committed from two years and a half year. He left days back and i have been crying even before that. He wouldn’t be back before two years. And he is more than a boyfrnd to me, we shared every moment and saw each other like every day. Now that I cant hug him and spend time with him it pains immensly. I cry almost every day and am not able to achieve my goal. I am planning to be a diplomat which wouldn’t suit his career as a game designer. I am afraid i have to manage long distance relationship my whole life making me feel like I must find some easy job. This dilemma is causing stress, I have stopped eating like I use to and don’t interact with ppl much. It feels void. I wish somebody could rob me off this misery.

  31. I just found this article and it helped me to know I’m not alone. I met my boyfriend online over a year ago, he lives in England while I live in the United States. He came to visit me beginning in June and stayed for two months. He just left today and I haven’t been able to stop crying. My house feels so empty without him, there is nothing but evidence of his stay left behind. It’s hard waking up without him being there and I can’t even look at the couch where we were sitting just this morning before he had to go. It’ll be about a year before we can get enough money to see eachother again… it breaks my heart. I feel like i’m missing a part of me. My chest hurts so much and i’ve been crying so hard that I feel like i’m going to be sick. Something that makes everything more difficult is that his computer quit running skype about a month before he came here (it’s a dinosaur and often decides to quit running programs at random), so I dont know when the next time I can see his face is. :(

    • If he has the Line App on his smartphone then you can video chat on there! that’s what my boyfriend and I do. we are in a similar situation except I’m from the UK and he is from The U.S.

      I can only imagine how terrible you must be feeling right now.. I’m sure I will feel the same way after we meet for the first time in October.

      Be strong and focus on the next time you guys can be together. Plan it… Work out when it will happen… What you will do… Where you will go. It’ll help keep you going til the next time!

    • I know exactly how you feel, Ive been with my boyfriend for 5 n half years now. I live in New Zealand and he lives in USA, I only just meet him in August and he stayed for a month, It will be about a year till i see him again. It feels like my heart and life is empty without him here. It felt so right and perfect but now hes gone its almost like im grieving someone whos died..gaps in the house where his things were and in the bed are all empty now like he no longer exists. It hurts so much and i cry almost everyday at the moment even thou i still talk to him almost everyday its still like part of me is missing and its so hard to deal with.

      But like Mary said here, Im trying to focus that energy into my trip over there, its the only thing keeping me sane.

  32. Lt. Tanya // 4 August, 2015 at 4:39 am //

    Thank you for sharing your long distance relationship with your husband. It helped and enlighten me fast . I’m done with the denial stage, and now i am already in the extreme depression stage for three days already. and it sucks , it feels sad . even thought we talk daily via internet connections, it still feels not enough. Now I know this is just normal.

  33. I just got back to Mexico from visiting my partner in Israel and this article has really helped me feel better. Being in a LDR is really difficult, but the efforts in making it work really pay off. I’m missing him like crazy but I couldn’t imagine sharing my life with anyone else, we are amazing together.

  34. Jennifer // 1 August, 2015 at 9:41 am //

    Today was the day I went back to the airport and said goodbye to my loving fiancé. Honestly, it is the worst feeling in the world. My fiancé lives in Georgia, and I live in Arizona. It’s a six-hour flight, and we are practically across the country from each other. We have been together for 2 years and a half, and the time we have to say goodbye at the airport; it truly never gets easier. From the moment I got back home, I just sheltered myself in my room and layed in total depression and cried for hours. Its a miserable day that’s for sure. Your article definitely helps relate to what many of us long distance relationships go through, and helps shed some light and reassurance that things will be all okay. Although the pain is great, I know I will see the love of my life again. I just hope that the pain will soon go away and I will get back on my feet. Thank you for the wonderful article, and I’m incredibly happy that your relationship proved that long distance relationships do work. Thank you again.

  35. Hello!
    Your post helped me a lot, and gave me lots of hope, as I tend to be a highly negative person. My boyfriend of 5 months left to study abroad for the next 4 almost 5 months. I haven’t cried yet(he’s been gone about a day) and I feel like I am going to cry a lot once it sets in he is not coming back soon. I’m trying to think about this positively because its a great experience for him, and it gives me time to accomplish my goals. However, since I deal with anxiety it makes it really hard to handle. I keep thinking he is going to meet the love of his life abroad or perhaps some other girl will attempt to steal his heart. I’m not sure. I know he cares for me a lot, and I trust him. But the possibilities are honestly endless and I can’t stop thinking about the possible outcomes. I really hope that we are together 4 months from now. I am planning a trip to see him with some friends at the end of his semester. I just am so impatient and I feel like counting down the days would drive me crazy. I also got super anxious today because my grandmother just had to tell me about a kidnapping regarding a family friend in the country he is staying at. Its just hard when theres no normal means of communication. He has no access to a cellphone as of yet, and I am not sure he is going to get one since international cell fees are expensive. Every time i get anxious I am just going to read this post, its super positive and you guys are so cute together. <3

  36. Caterina // 21 June, 2015 at 8:54 pm //

    Hi Grace….I’m eighteen, almost nineteen years old, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years and a half. We live in the same city, not so distant from each other, but in the last year things have changed drastically. He has a job, while I’m still studying. He does sport at least twice a week, in the evening after work, and he studies piano twice a week too. This leaves me with one free evening with him midweek and the weekend. HOWEVER, because yes, there is a however of course, he has to help his family in these days. So what is left for me? I cannot ask him to ignore his family, and of course I cannot ask him to stop playing piano and doing sport! I feel like I have to beg for some of his time even though we lives 4 km away from each other. I feel almost like we’re in a LDR even though we are not! He says I need to grow up because I cannot understand that life is like that, and that when I’ll go to university I will understand. I don’t know how to react. I’d like to see him more but I can’t, and I almost feel like he doesn’t care while he says the contrary. Maybe I’m in that moment of rage and depression?

  37. I’m scared. Me and my fiancé are going to be split up tomorrow. I’m pregnant and will be giving birth in England while he lives/stays/waits in the Philippines. He doesn’t have a passport or visa yet and truth is we don’t know when we’ll see each other again. But it definitely won’t be shorter that a year. This is the first time we’ll ever be split up since the day we moved in together only one month after meeting each other. He’s the love of my life and I’m his. But this heartbreak is just going to be so hard, and we know it. I’m finding it hard to deal and honestly don’t really know how I’m going to live without him by my side. The baby makes our situation even more difficult because I’ll have to live kind of like a single mother (I’ll be living on my own there) and I know it’s incredibly hard for him to know that he won’t be there for the first year/s of our daughters life. I don’t know what to do honestly. I’m just so sad but I know I can’t be because the mood of the mother affects the baby and I know I’ll have my baby with me there. But then there’s the sadness of not having the father with us and the fact that I’ll always feel sad for him because I know how much he’s going to be hurting. Gosh I don’t know how to deal. We’re also both only 19 and so pretty young and we haven’t been together for that long. I just hope pray and wish everything works out for us.

    I’m only I stage 1 and I’m scared of the upcoming stages of depression since I already was depressed before I met Ryan, and then I let him become my happiness. I feel like this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to handle it but I know I have to, for our family. I don’t know why I’m commenting on this either, I guess I’m just having a hard time finding someone who can relate to me… I’d really like to talk to someone going through something like what I’m going through. I feel it may help.

    But, moving on…
    Your post was lovely. I’m so glad you guys worked out. Wish the same for me too!

  38. Hi, I’m in the same kind of situation but it’s a bit more messy…me and john met when we both had partners neither of us were happy with our relationship and something drew us together. John had made plans with his gf, ex gf now to travel in Canada. We both ended up breaking up with our partners, John’s ex left for canada and extended it to stay with me a couple more months. In this time I was confused about how I felt as me and john always has an expiry date and I felt my ex was a smart choice to be with so I wouldn’t get hurt so I would go to see him. This hurt john and I realised too late how I’d treated him and apologised. John forgave me after I stopped fighting how I felt about him…me and john are so in love with each other and for his last week we spent all day everyday together I would cry even when I was with him. He left a week ago today and although we love each other I think her believed I would get back with my ex. I tried to stop talking to him but I can’t because I love him so much. We spoke after this and he asked for no pressure /expectations which I think it’s what we are doing. His ex gf is over there and it makes me very insecure thinkibh they could get back together, when I’ve talked to him about not telling me he’s seen her he’s told me he hasn’t changed his mind and that he loves me and there is no need to be insecure. For now just talking to him makes me so happy. So anyways I don’t know how long he’s going to be in Canada and I only get to speak to him like once a day for 20mins as he hasn’t got a Canadian SIM yet. Yesterday he went somewhere which means I can’t speak to him for 2 days. How do I deal with this? He said he didn’t want to ask me to wait because it’s unfair but he’s always says he loves me and misses me. I don’t know what to do? Someone please help..

  39. We were together 8 years and have been apart for 6 now. He just told me he won’t need to travel much any more, is sad and depressed when we are apart and needs to talk about his ‘being single’. He talks about how he wants our daily time together to be and also wants to move to a different house — sounds like he wants a new and better life together. What do you gals think?

  40. CanadianWanderer // 13 May, 2015 at 12:54 pm //

    Thank you for this post.
    It’s been 7 months and 13 days since I decided to move to the other side of canada for a contract job. I went through stages 1-3 so badly. So much so I had trouble talking to him or visiting because it just made me feel so empty when we were apart and i’d have to get use to this being the norm again.
    Lately I’ve started embracing my new life here, knowing I have just a few months left. But at the same time I feel guilty not missing him. I am getting use to the distance and it scares me. I feel so frustrated all the time.
    i’m worried that this contentment could cause us to break up.
    from your article I feel normal and that perhaps I am replaceing just as you mentioned in your article.
    Thanks for the hopeful words.

  41. Finding this has really helped me. My boyfriend of nearly 3 years and I are in a long distance relationship for almost 8 months now. I relocated for work and our plan was that he’d find a job and come join me. I have seen him 3 times since, and it is the most difficult time of my life, made more difficult by leaving behind my family and friends as well. I have found that I fall into that 90% of people that has become emotionally unavailable due to replacing my boyfriend with other activities. I really don’t want to be this way, but it seems like the only way I can cope without losing my mind. Reading this has really helped, I value my boyfriend and our relationship too much to jeopardize it. So I will try out the surrendering process and check back in with my progress/failure?

  42. Me and my fiance (well, I technically haven’t proposed yet, but I bought the ring and plan to on July. We basically consider each other fiances at this point) have been hitting some snags in the relationship for the past two months. I’m a little worried about this. Seems every week we have at least one argument about something. I feel anxious all of the time now, insecure, everything. I love her with all of my heart, and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but it seems like we’ve had more problems as of late. I sometimes wonder if a little therapy would help.

    She lives in Japan, and I live in America. Now, I do have plans to teach English there, and am well on my way to achieving that goal. But we’ve realized that the logistics of things will be difficult. We both work, and she barely gets vacation time. We would like to get married in the United States, as my mother is deathly afraid of flying and it would be easier on her if we did that. However, it’s rare for her to have any time off, and September seems to be the prime time as she’ll get at least 5 days off. Though we’d be working with a lot of crunch time, as she only has a 3 day vacation in July, and that’s only 3 days to register for marriage. It’s either that or wait another year before our wedding. We’re kind of in a hurry though, and would prefer to get married before living together.

    I asked her if she would be okay with living together before the ceremony, and although she said yes, I can sense some resistance. After I asked her about this, she wondered if I was hesitant to spend the rest of my life with her. She asked me if my feelings would change before our final decision. Maybe she feels like I’m testing the waters by proposing to move in together before marriage. I don’t know.

    It’s worrying, and I hope she herself doesn’t change her mind just because of this proposal I made.

  43. Anonymous // 21 April, 2015 at 4:04 am //

    Good job

  44. Kygirl05 // 3 April, 2015 at 12:37 pm //

    Oh my goodness, I’m so happy I found this. I’m in my first long distance relationship and I was so depressed because we had to push back when we see each other by a week, I feel a little better after reading this post :)

    • Blue in Texas // 28 September, 2015 at 10:36 am //

      Me too and it’s the most horrible feeling. We’ve been together 10 months, this coming Friday and since there isn’t visual cues to coincide with his reason, it made me feel very insecure and scared. I am recently divorced so it was my own personal trust issues, that caused my insecurities. I know he gets very sad when I leave and gets quiet for a couple of days, then is fine.

  45. Wow! Thank you for sharing your experiences on this blog. My first love and love of my life and I went our separate ways 9 years ago. In those 9 years, we’ve always been drawn back to each other. He’s been my rock and I have been his since day one. About 2 months ago he came back again; there’s one huge difference. He’s not living in the same state. He’s 13+ hours away. He was back home last weekend and it was amazing to see him and be by his side again. I fell in love all over again. The distance didn’t bother me until he was here and then gone. I’m lost now! Definitely in the depressed state of mind for the time being. No one has ever made me as happy as he does, but I miss him so much that it hurts BAD! I thought that I am crazy for feeling the way I do. It was so refreshing to read this post and the comments. I’m not alone in this :) I’m a much more open person over the phone than he is, but it’s well known that we want to be together and the wait until we can physically be together is worth it, we are both totally committed, and we are more in love than we were a decade ago. The distance drives me crazy, but….. There will be an end and the day will come that he’s by my side every minute that I am at home!

  46. This has given me a lot of hope for my own short term long distance relationship. I was feeling depressed, empty, and all around pointless tonight. My partner is a very keep to yourself, home body, work 24/7 and very quiet at that. He doesn’t text a lot and doesn’t like calling on the phone. Needless to say that takes a toll on me as I am a chatty kathy, text 24/7 and spend a lot of time at home with no friends in my town. Our communication expectations are different but I know he cares & is committed. I worry often, get depressed when we go for a long time not speaking ect, But this entire post has made me stop worrying a bit, cry and realize Im going to be ok, we are going to be ok, I can do this and I am strong. <3 So I thank you.

    • Anonymous // 9 October, 2015 at 11:28 pm //

      My boyfriend also isnt big on communication and that affects me a lot i ‘ve seen him once in 3 months and it’s killing me

  47. reading this blog and all the comments below made me feel better, like there’s sommeone out there feels the same way as I am right now. I have been in a ldr for 7 months now. My bf and I have been together for 3 years and we basically did everything together, we even have 2 dogs at home =) When I first left home last year to saudi for work, I was able to cope well due to the distractions and workload. I do miss him but the homesick feeling were bearable. But now, it is a total different story. I have just came back from 2 weeks vacation, we had so much fun back home, we were in love just like the first day v fell for each other. When I board on the plane on my last day, the homesick feelings struck me off guards. I have never felt this way before, missing him so much it hurts. Having to spend everyday with him, doing all the things v used to do during that 2 weeks made me even sadder. Im crying almost everyday and luckily I have work to keep me occupied. But when I am back to my room, I just couldn’t help missing him terribly all over again, so much that I’ve decided to leave this place end of this year. I hope this phase will end soon cuz I can’t deal with this heartache feeling for the next few months before seeing him again.

  48. Wonderful article! I was in a long distance relationship with my now husband for over 5 years. We met in 2006 when I was 18, he 19. I am from Los Angeles California and he’s from London, England. We had our ups and downs and at times it was very hard staying together with both of us in College and having such a distance between us, our own friends and separate lives. One day I got so sad and told him that I wanted us to be together or we’d have to end the relationship and remain friends which we both didn’t want. That same day I sold all of my belongings and even sold my car, got on a lunch time plane to London and met him at Heathrow airport. I’ve been living in England ever since, we’re happily married and have a beautiful little boy. It was the best choice I ever made, life in another country is so new and even though the language is the same it’s still foreign. I could remember on the flight to London, crying as I looked out the window as I knew that I was losing my friends and family, and giving up all that I had studied and worked so hard for. I had a good job, a nice home, and gave it all up. I met a really nice gentleman on the plane who sat next to me who was also in a long distance relationship going to see his girlfriend in Germany. I’ve been in England for over 4 years now and I miss California like crazy, it feels like just a memory. I was born and raised there, and all of my best memories of child hood and life are out there. The sacrifices we make for our loved ones make our love stronger I think, as we realize what we left behind and how much that person really means to us and distance can’t kill a love that strong.

  49. Anonymous // 3 March, 2015 at 10:34 pm //

    pls i need more help from you cos am involve in a LDR

  50. Well I live 12000 miles away from my gf
    We made it 10 months long
    Yes we had fight..we got broke up sometimes…but we never looses our fire in relation.
    I just unable to meet her cause of money
    But the day I can live with her…I will never leave her even for a moment
    But a week ago…she get bore on this relationship
    And she decided to leave…
    I tried to talk to her…eventually she get back..and saying that she is feeling like it’s just started.
    I am confuse…I really can’t think my life without her
    But what if she will leave me again
    Though she is saying will not happen again
    But I love you dumb
    So much… <3

  51. Hello Grace. Im 23 and a design student living in the London. My boyfriend 26 and he is a mechanic living 2 hour train journey away in Lincoln. Im in my finally year at uni, and my boyfriend met me 5 months before i left for uni. so we would have been in an LDR near 3 year now. It was utterly painful and expensive but always so worth it. I could have married him, we have both been faithful and trust each other and open to explore. our relationship is almost perfect to be with a man who i love and loves me. My I’m near in tears writing this cause i don’t know what to do. As it comes to the end of the term my career needs to start. he’s established his career in lincoln and he can’t relocate. as well as this knowledge i have begun to question if we are really suited. and when i look at it we don’t have much in common and I’m starting to feel like I’m a completely different person to him. im middle class new wave and hes lower class punk. hes becoming more sophisticated when being with me but he’s still a rough diamond, i often think i should be with a more socially acceptable guy who although my boyfriend says I’m amazing and beautiful but im starting to feel like he’s not the one. The sad thing is that i feel i can’t end it cause our relationship hasn’t even been given a chance. the LDR has made it so that we don’t really know each other and he has thrown himself nearly obsessively into his cars. I feel so sad because how can i still be in love with a man that i think maybe isn’t right for me. then i think how do i know that we havent even had a cance to live together and see how each other are. also i dont want to be stuck in lincoln, but i can’t imagine my life with out him but I’m afraid there maybe a more suited man for me who has more intellectual interests. He said after a year of living together if we work well hell want to propose.i use to love that. i wanted to get married then…now im analysing everything he does to asses if hes the one im ready to give him my life career for. they say listen to your inner voice. my inner voice says that hes not the one. but my brain is saying but yuv not even had a normal relationship to know that and i love him so much i can’t let go because i miss him, i miss everything, even the bits i don’t like. i feel so sad to break up now when its so close to us being together finally. it breaks my heart nearly every day. i spoke to my boyfriend and i he said he felt we had grew apart abit but we blamed the distance. so we went on a date recently. it was wonderful, a really lovely date. but thats just one day. Did you ever feel like this

  52. Anonymous // 31 January, 2015 at 5:56 pm //

    Hi grace ! My name is kartik and I live in india and i am almost 19 years old . I have like the most beautiful fiance in this world and since homosexuality is really suppressed in India . we couldn’t marry here . But, I wanted to live with him . it has almost been 8 months since we have been in a relationship and we met online and fell in love instantly . he went away in december last year for further studies in Canada and it has been really hard for me . i want to marry with him and live with him forever . i never imagined that he would have to go that far . i have cried for a long time because the plan of him going out and studying was sometimes on and then off again . he is in Canada now and this past month was full of fights and arguments because he got busy and careless but , he loves and care about me and it is a matter of 3 years till i get to stay with him . imagining all this time apart and thinking about it makes me wish i could call him back to me . it is hard . when he went there, in the beginning it was like there was no contact . only texts and a little skype . in the 6 months he was in india , we met only twice once for almost two days and once for 3 hours that too 2 months apart because i live away from home at my college dormitory and he lived like 3 hours away and meeting him without letting anyone know made meeting frequently a difficult thing to do . but , although we were already in LDR it is still hurtful . how will i survive these 3 years ? that’s a long time .And I really want to live with him no matter what .

  53. Hi I’m Grace from Malaysia and my bf lives in Japan. He’s an Australian. Met him through work when he was in Malaysia and we became friends till one day we chatted and there was an instant spark. The following week I booked a flight to Japan to meet him. We clique and now we’ve been together for 6 months now. We were fortunate that we were able to meet each other monthly. His work requires him to travel and I am a restauranteur which allows me to have flexible time. I love my bf but his ego is too high. Sometimes he don’t plan when is our next meeting which makes me sad. I love him with all of my heart.

  54. Hi, i wanted to thank you for this post since it helped not feel so alone in this whole situation. My boyfriend of a year just left to Thailand for a month to join a Muay Thai gym. I know a month isnt too long, but he has only been away for 3 days and i’m already miserable.. i have absolutely no enthusiasm to do anything, i’m just like a zombie walking around and stuff.
    I’m dont even get excited when he messages me, i just wanna sleep all day and make time pass faster. This sucks. I hope this stage will pass quickly cus im so bored and tired of feeling like this.
    Anyhow, thanks for your post! :)

    • Just wanted to let you know. The time period right after he leaves is always the hardest. It gets better! Like what Grace said post the date of when he comes back somewhere where you’ll frequently see it. I hope you’ve been doing better since this post. You can do it!

  55. Anonymous // 14 January, 2015 at 8:19 am //

    Long distance relationship was even more difficult when your bf was a seafarer/seaman (he works on a cargo ship) which travels around the world. It was really hard, for weeks or months I am not able to talk to him or don’t even know how is he, if he is doing ok etc.. No comms.. :'( I keep on waiting until he gets a signal or arrive on a port.. it was really depressing for us to be separated, miles away and accross timezones.. But it’s his work, and we need to be patient so that we can earn and save for the future.. Sometimes I wish that even in a long distance he was just staying somewhere in a country so that even once a day we could contact each other.. Now for the 2nd time, after 2 months vacation, he will sail off again.. 2 months was too short.. I would not see him again for almost a year.. I’m preparing myself.. I can’t stop crying everytime I think of it.. I need a diversion or new hobby.. :'(

    • Anonymous // 14 January, 2015 at 8:37 am //

      By the way, thank you for this post. We need to be positive and to always look forward.. Love, trust, and patience was really important for LDR to work.

    • I understand how you feel. I am in the situation too.. Its worst that sometime I dont hear from him for a week or sometimes close to a month due to no signal. And he will be gone for 8 months to a year. Its depressing. I dont know what to do to not miss him too much.

    • Anonymous // 11 May, 2015 at 11:20 pm //

      I’m in the same situation. It sucks a hell of a lot and it definitely does not get any better. But my love for him is far more greater than the pain that I feel every single day without him. Hope your situation gets better, though. It helps to know that you’re not alone in this. Just keep on holding on. We can do this! :)

  56. Cristi Armenta // 10 January, 2015 at 10:18 am //

    Hey there, let me share my little story with you. In my past relationship, I was in a long distance relationship with a guy I met over the internet who lived 12 hours away. I am not going to lie, I was head over heels for him, but I cut things off cause I didn’t see our relationship going anywhere. After I broke up with him, I started dating my best friend. He makes me so happy and me and him were together for 2 months, but now he is in college which is about three hours away. I understand that it shouldn’t be that hard on me since I’ve been in a relationship that is 12 hours away instead of 3, but I still miss him more than anything. We’ve agreed that he will be coming back next weekend, Valentine’s day, my birthday and then for summer vacation which thank God starts on April 24th. He will also be coming back for a few weekends. My little story may not sound like a tragedy, but I don’t want to spend a billions hours missing him even though me and him Skype, call and text each other all the time.. PLEASE give me some advice.. I don’t know exactly what advice I need, but I just need something.

    • The Boy Who Waited // 13 January, 2015 at 9:46 pm //

      My girlfriend and I live about 5,000 miles away from one another. We were separated by distance on July 3rd, 2014. The next time we will see each other in person is some time during July or August of 2016.

      You are so lucky to have your significant other be able to visit you… He lives only three hours away, with a minor/no time zone difference. I hope you realize how lucky you are, because you honestly have no reason to complain. You are able to Skype and call this person often. Her and I… we are not so lucky.

      Have your oxytocin reserved for this guy of yours, be honest and faithful to him and yourself, and if it is meant to be, it will be. Do everything you can to keep each other happy, but do not jeopardize yourselves.

      You NEED to realize that the distance matters naught if the ‘love is real.’

      • I think it was unfair of you to come in and say this person has no reason to complain because you have it worse. There’s someone out there who has it worse than you too, but does that mean your feelings and problems are invalid? No.

        I think the distance will always matter. It’s not nothing, and it’s not easy. If you love someone it hurts to be away from them, and at some point when you mental health becomes too stretched from it you may be unable to stay in a relationship with this person, not because you don’t love them but because a relationship needs some level of togetherness. That’s the entire point of a relationship – to be with someone.

        Cristi – it’s a hard decision, but you have to weigh up whether suffering through a lack of support and all the great things about being together with someone is worth it. Acknowledge that your pain is very real and very valid, and it’s okay if you can’t handle it sometimes. It’s also okay to walk away from the relationship if you find you really can’t cope. Good luck!

        • I usually don’t jump into other people’s conversation – but I completely agree. It is really unfair to say “you have no right to complain” or something like that, just because their situation “seems” better.

          Distance is distance, regardless of whether it is 100 miles or 1000 miles.

  57. Thank you so much for posting this. It’s helped me a lot. I thought I was the one feeling so miserable after my boyfriend returned to his home. We’ve been together for almost three years. The first year of our long distance relationship was the hardest in terms of visiting each other. We met on the Internet and we fell in love. We had so much in common and we literally couldn’t stop talking. He came to my country to visit me for the first time and I was all excited and over the moon before our meeting. It was wonderful even though it only lasted 3 days…. Then he went back home and we had 9 months break from seeing each other. I had to focus on passing my high school exams and I couldn’t go see him. It was bad, I felt so sad and I was missing him so much it was painful. After I started college, my boyfriend and I agreed to see each other again. This time I went to his country for Christmas and to celebrate the New Year together. That was two years ago. I stayed with his family who all are so nice and lovely. I felt like home when I was with him. I felt completed.
    After spending that Christmas time together we made a resolution we would see each other every three months from then on and we haven’t failed at all. The problem is that now, every time he leaves me, I feel so empty… I can’t sleep at night, I can’t focus on anything, I cry a lot, hours pass so slowly… It’s hard. We spend Christmas together this year and he went back home for New Year’s Eve because he had to. I’ve been feeling terribly lonely since he left. I’ve been crying myself to sleep. Last night was so bad that I wanted to be so close to him that I put on his hoodie just to be able to smell his scent. It made me cry even more. I woke up when it was still dark outside and the first thing I did was crying. I’m feeling so depressed…
    I’m going to visit him in just less than three weeks and thinking of that really keeps me going. I’m fed up with feeling anxious of depressed but I will go through this because our love is stronger than that. I know he loves me just as much as I love him and I’m glad he’s coping with this a little bit more easily than I am. He’s better at finding distractions.
    I’m a college student and I’m almost finished with my studies. In about six months I will be moving together with him, in his country. I’m looking forward to that so much. I’m so proud of us that we’ve almost made it considering all the difficulties that’ve been on our way. I love him more than anything. He is my best friend. I feel my best and most comfortable when he’s around me. I’m so grateful for being with such a man, I really am.
    Thank you again for sharing your story with us. We are the best proof that long distance relationships can work out no matter what if you deeply and truly love each other.

  58. Thankyou so much for sharing this article, I am new to a 8 hour difference LDR and I have been in stage 3 for weeks. After reading this, I feel that I am starting to move on to step 3!

    And so much bliss to read that you two are already married! I wish I manage to reach that stage as well

  59. I am about to enter into a long distance relationship that I’m very bitter and angry about. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and have lived together 2. He now wants to move to be closer to his kids. He promised me he would never want to move and now he is. I cannot go right away with him because I also have children and my son is in high school and will graduate in 2 years. I don’t feel like it’s fair to move him. I have basically been crying for months and he isn’t even leaving for 4 more months. I just feel like the separation will be too hard since I spend all of my time with him now. I don’t wanna lose him but I don’t wanna do this either. It just sucks. I don’t know if I should just try but I have such a bad attitude about it that I don’t know.

  60. Anonymous // 4 November, 2014 at 1:42 pm //

    Hi Grace,
    I stumbled upon your blog when i googled “should you get married during long distance relationships” today (actually i think i was in stage 2, he just left this morning), since we’ve been talking about it a lot. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years now and he’s moved across the country to start his PhD, I’m in the middle of my own Phd program so it’s long distance until I graduate, and i don’t even know how i’m gonna do this for 2-3 years…Even though we’ve just started doing this LDR (an acronym I learned today), i feel exactly the way you described in this post. I even experienced the “not wanting to Skype cuz I want to finish this episode on netflix” part… he calls me more often than i call him, because i’m very good at “replacing” him with a million random things… but when we do chat on the phone or Skype (almost every day) its always very nice and usually goes on for at least two hours. I know I love him very much and that he is THE ONE, and i know he feels the same way, we’ve never even had a legit fight for the whole time we were together, which i think either means we are weird or just meant to be… I guess I’m still figuring out how to live my life productivly with all these added emotions (mostly depressing ones), and how to get over the fear of a possible 3 year LDR…your blog is very inspiring, and it helps to know that it can be done with the right person. BTW you two are just so adorable…

  61. Kitty Kim // 4 November, 2014 at 9:37 am //

    Great article and tips. Me and my boyfriend just have 2 months long distance relationship. We live in different country. We have meet twice, Last week was the latest meeting and i still feel sad, i cried so often everyday. Maybe we can see each other again in the next 3 months. I ask him not to have videophone for a while because my tears always start falling when i see him, we send messenger instead. I even afraid to go to sleep because afraid to meet him in dreams. Tell me this is only temporary emotions. Because this relationship only just started 2 months. Anyway thanks once again for the articles and share your experience. It really helps. Regards.

  62. Actualy this is not my first LDR, almost all my relationship are LDR. But this is the longest relationship i ever have. It’s already 1,5 year, it’s really hard time :”)
    We meet only once/twice a month, even we live in same country but diffrent city. Sometimes i really miss him, ’till i desprate. He didn’t want meet me sometimes.
    Lately, we fight and he want’s me to comfort him. I really don’t know how to comfort him with phone/skype. I really depressed, seems i never understand him and useless. I really want to broke up (my friends advice this too) but i can’t. I really love him. But yesteray he want break up too, because i have a tshirt cutting design with my friend (male) and he’s so jealous. I already talk about it with him few days before it. But he didn’t notice, now he still mad, i really don’t know what should i do. I already apologize but he didn’t accept it T^T
    please give some advice ;;w;; should i break up and move on? or keep him?

    btw sorry for my bad english ._.

  63. Garrett Evans // 2 November, 2014 at 12:13 pm //

    Ive been in a long distance relationship for almost a year now.. in 9 days.
    I have been in love with her my whole life. I don’t know how but I’ve always reserved myself for her and when we met (over instagram, but she lives only an hour away) I knew she eas the one.
    Over the course of the year my love for her has grown in stature from cupcake love to an everburning and never dying fire in the pit of my heart. Through it all we have had a few arguments.. even split up for a few days. But i never stopped loving her. I never will. Through our past couple of visits i have been filled with a deep depression after she leaves. I always tell her not to cry but yesterday i cried in her arms before i had to bring her home. I’ve never loved anyone a fraction of as much as i love her. She fuels my life. And I have never cried over a girl. Over anyone. Im tearing up as i type this. I just cant wait to see her and her smiling face.
    Thamk you for the post. It made me feel better.

  64. Hello! Thank you so much for the article! :)
    I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 months now. We met over the summer in a theater production that we were in together. She goes to college 7 hours away from me and I miss her terribly. We make time to see each other almost every two weeks which is great! I am just having a really depressing weekend. For some reason my mind is rushing to all of these worst case scenarios like “what if we grow apart?” Then my brain instantly jumps to “are we growing apart?” “Is everything going to be ok?” “Does she still love me?” “Do I love her?” It’s so stupid. I know I love her, I know she loves me , i completely trust her and i know that once I see her everything is going to be ok. It’s just my mind races on these thoughts and for some reason I can’t get them out of my head this weekend. I was wondering if you have ever had any depressing episodes like this? It just really bothers me that these thought are in my head, because I know otherwise. I love her and I’m never going to give up on her, no matter what.

  65. Hi Grace,

    Thank you for sharing your story. It was really lovely and I’m so glad it’s worked out so well for you :)

    I’m just entering an LDR. We’re only an hour apart but we’ve been together nearly 3 years in a local relationship. We used to spend nearly all our spare time together so skype and stuff feels really strange right now. I’m hoping it’ll get easier.

    Did you find that when you and Ryosuke first met up it felt kinda strange for the first few hours? I’ve come home this weekend and after seeing my family he came over (so we only saw each other for an hour), and I felt close to him but distant. Maybe because I haven’t been close to him for a week. He came to mine last weekend and again it took me a few hours to get back into the swing of being with him. Is that weird? Do other people find that when they see their partner after a little while of not seeing them it takes them a while to feel like a couple again?

    I’m hoping it’s because we’ve gone from seeing each other nearly every day to once a week if we can and it’s such a drastic change I’m still getting used to it. What do you think?

    Thanks x

    • I think depending on how long you’ve been apart, yeah, it can be a bit odd hanging out for the first hour or so. I always felt like it was a dream – like I had seen his face on Skype so many times but he was FINALLY really here :)

    • Anonymous // 11 May, 2015 at 11:37 pm //

      After being apart from my then-6-year boyfriend for more than a year… It definitely felt a bit awkward to be around him at first… And I was a bit nervous. I’m just not sure if it’s normal to feel that way if you’ve only been apart for a week, because my bf and I would sometimes be apart for a week or two, and then be together every day after that, then be apart again for a week… and not feel strange at all. Hmm… Maybe you’re just worrying too much about not being normal that you actually end up acting weird around him when you get back together? :)

  66. Its so good to read this. I was actually going through the most severe depression I’ve ever had and it had gotten to the point where I felt I was literally going to pass out.

    The thing is, I’ve been through two long-distance relationships in the past- one because I left to live in Europe for an employment opportunity and the other, my partner lived in a different country. They both failed miserably due to other factors but I also think the distance made things a lot worse too.

    Now I don’t know if something is wrong with me but I ended up getting into a third long distance relationship recently. This one was different as we both knew it was going to be long distance from the start. We met on an online dating website and I lived in a different country from him. I think my views on love are so very fairytale that I figured that I would never know if I have a soul mate if I do not try.

    Now we started around mid March this year and are now officially together for about 2 months now which makes us connected romantically way (since it started off like that ‘cus’ of the dating website) for about 7 months. I know this means we are still pretty much in the honeymoon period and its even more difficult as we started off having to experience the highs of meeting up in person for the first time since I was in my home country at the time we started talking.

    Technology has made it so easy for us to communicate and we had actually waited about 4 months before we first met. We had the most exhilarating and overwhelmingly fantastic times ever together and that’s when we made it official. Since then it was great and we really have been good with communicating every day and doing all of the necessary things to keep the relationship alive. He’s sent me flowers half way across the ocean – I live in the Caribbean and he lives in the US and I’ve sent him cute and silly gifts as well. We try to make dates to work out and do things together (hasn’t worked cus we end up chatting and not doing anything ). Point is we try to make it work which usually is enough.

    He came to visit my home country this time (as i went to see him in the US the first time) and it was once again fabulous. It amazes me how well we get along when we’e next to each other, its so natural and beautiful.

    He left last night however, (5 hours by plane and then a further 3 hours driving), and its been absolutely devastating. I have cried so many times today that it makes me feel physically ill. I feel anxiety about crying again because it hurts so much. Just thinking about crying is making me feel to cry. I just don’t know. Reading your article really helps me not feel like my world is crumbling but it is truly hard. Its not just that I miss him, it may be four months before I see him again.

    He also cried last night before we left for the airport and just thinking about the fact that he might care so much i think affects me even more.

    I guess I just wanted to share my story and find out if you think this is normal. I suppose its part of the extreme depression you mentioned.

    He was also very cold in the last 30-45 minutes before he left, pushing me away and snapping and trying to get into the boarding area way before he needed to. I was wondering if you think its because of him feeling grief as well? Is that normal to you? He said he just didn’t want to cry again and I was wondering what your thoughts were on it?

    I just miss him so much and we should be closer together when I move to his country for school. I went through this grief before in my other relationships but for some reason with him it seems so much harder. Maybe because I’ve done it before with others, I’m simply tired of doing it again?

    Wonderful article, you literally helped me from having an anxiety attack. I felt like I was about to suffocate and just reading the article and now typing this has helped me a lot.

    I hope one day I can have a bright future with him just as you have with your husband.

    • Hi Beandel,
      Thank you for sharing your story, it made me a little sad too. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve cried about it. Care to update your current situation now?

      Out of the comments here that I’ve skimmed through I could identify with you as I also met someone online on a travel forum. When we met up for the first time it was absolutely fantabulous. However, he did not make us official. So now he’s back in the US and I live about 22 hours by flight away. I can’t even say we are in a LDR as we aren’t official. I don’t know what’s gonna turn out from this. I just hope that I don’t end up heartbroken or depressed :(


  67. Stephanie // 9 October, 2014 at 9:07 pm //

    Thanks for that wonderful story. I’m trying to live through the heartache of my very first LDR and even though it’s only 2 hrs between us it’s still horrible. I’m a Texas girl and he is an Oklahoma guy so the distance isn’t as bad as the lack of time. We are both in our 40s and have very busy lives, him more than me, but still busy. He works oilfield so that is a large piece of his time and he is also trying to build a home, his burnt down last year, and that Is another big chunk of time. He has two girls and is an excellent father getting them and spending time he has left there. Then there’s me. What’s killing me is there is only 2 hrs between us and I haven’t seen him in 6 weeks. We text or talk everyday, he knows I miss him and want to see him whenever I can. He always lets me know what he is doing it where he is going and I do trust him. I honestly don’t think he Is avoiding me or trying to blow me off, I know he is the type of man that would tell me straight up if he didn’t want to be in this relationship. I have met his family and some of his friends and he has even introduced me to his girls so I take that to heart that I mean something.

    I try to stay busy and focus on what I want, which is him, knowing soon this house will be done and hopefully there will be more time for me. I cry every night because it hurts so bad and I feel so foolish for it. I don’t want to be clingy and needy and have him think I’m a weak person because I never have been before. It’s just very different for me this time relationship wise. I’ve started a journal and every night I write how I felt that day about me, about him, and about how this makes me feel.

    Your story gave me some more faith that things can and will work out. Thank you so much!

  68. Anonymous // 9 October, 2014 at 2:18 am //

    Wow that was so beautiful :) thank you

  69. Hi Grace, thanks so much for responding. It makes me feel a lot better knowing that how I feel is ok, normal, and not unhealthy. Also thanks for the advice on joining activities, I will definitely try to get more involved and hopefully meet new people. Thanks again, and congratulations on your marriage by the way. :)

  70. Hi, so I’ll try to keep my story short but once you see it you’ll know that it’s hard for me as I’m sure it’s been hard for everyone to keep their posts short or at least a decent length. First of all to Brett, I sympathize with your situation and if you two have been together for 4 years (congrats by the way
    that’s pretty unusual in high school) then you would hopefully know each other very well. If she stuck with you for 4 years, she’s not going to go anywhere in just a month. I wish you two the best of luck and good blessings. Now for the part about me sympathizing with Mr. Brett. I’m a senior in high school right now, 17, and my boyfriend is 19, he graduated last year. We met through mutual friends as well, at the end of my sophomore year, the end of his junior year. At the beginning of last year, we became very good friends and I started to like him. Then on December 13th a good friend of my boyfriend’s took his shotgun, killed another of my boyfriend’s friends, and then killed himself, in the middle of school in the middle of the school day. My boyfriend, who was just my friend at the time, was the first person to get in contact with me to make sure I was ok. After that things exploded. All of his other friends left him, the mutual friend who had introduced us gave him the ultimatum of either dating her or me (according to her there was no other option) and since he was in such an emotional state already he couldn’t make that choice at that time, so she started a bunch of drama surrounding him and I ended up being his only friend. He was the only friend of mine that I could connect with, because when the shooting happned I was in a classroom right across the hall from where it all happened and none of my friends could really help me, but I felt like I was on his emotional level because though he may not have been physially close he was very emotionally close. Then we started dating, and we’ve been together 7 months this past Sunday. Now for my actual point. He’s still the only one I feel able to connect with on any sort of level, but yesterday he flew out to Florida (I’m in Colorado) for an internship he’ll be working at for the next 2 months straight. I cried myself to sleep last night, I cried a lot today, and I know I’ll be crying a lot more before he comes back. For your sake I hope that you can’t relate to the trauma side of this, but I know from your article that you understand not being able to connect w
    with anyone else. I don’t know if you can help me, but what would you recommend? What do you advise, what would you caution me about? I
    I would appreciate any sort of advice I can get, from anyone. Is this normal? I know it’s normal for couples to miss each other in a long distance relationship and I’m sure that there are girls who cry just as hard and long as I have perhaps more so. But I would just like confirmation that what I’m feeling is healthy or normal (we keep flinging around that word I don’t think any of us know what actual normal is in any situation) and I just want some advice on how long this could last. Your best guess is as good as mine, I don’t know if the trauma my boyfriend and I went through will affect every little thing about our long distance relationship or if it won’t affect it in the least, and if it does affect it more than under more typical circumstances what could I do? My biggest question though that I really need the most answer for is how can I get friends? How can I make it so that I don’t feel so incredibly alone? And sorry for line glitch up there I just got this phone and I’m still trying to figure out how to do things on it.


    • Hi Kaela,

      Thanks for sharing. Wow. That is quite a story. I am so sorry to hear that… You’re right, no, I can’t relate to that trauma… That sounds absolutely terrifying. I can’t even imagine.
      Also, with the nasty girl spreading rumors – it really does suck. The world is full of some really horrible people that love to hurt others. At school, at work, everywhere.

      The easiest way to make friends is to join clubs and try new stuff. I think that’s the only way to make more friends so you don’t feel lonely.

      I think your crying is pretty normal. The first time my husband left I bawled for 2 hours straight at the airport (and couldn’t drive home and ended up having to pay an extra $20 for parking).
      I hope I could help…

  71. Grace,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to write this article. It is insanely detailed and accurate ^_^! I am currently at the 1.5 yr mark in my LDR. He is in the military and stationed 4.5 hrs away from where I live. I am graduating from school in the spring, so I have high hopes that soon thereafter we will be able to move our relationship to the same zip code. However, lately (about a month now) all we’ve done is argue. He is constantly unhappy with me. To him I seem uninterested and disconnected. And to be honest, I think perhaps I have been a bit of those two things. Truth is, between juggling classes and ‘me time’, making time to skype every single day is very hard, and there are days where I feel very overwhelmed by this. This summer he was gone for 2 months without being able to communicate with me at all, and it was during this time that your Stage 4 came in to the picture. We play video games a lot together, he is a big gamer, or at least he was before the military. I think while he was away this summer I replaced him with video games and video game streams. It sounds silly, but when you defined ‘replacement’, I was like that is it, that is exactly why I’ve been feeling grumpy when I have to make time to skype with him. I’m sorry for such a huge build up, I figured a bit of a back story would be nice here. My specific question is: When you noticed you had gotten to this point, the point of having used up all the energy you previously o devoted to your fiancé, How did you remedy the situation? Perhaps you just simply stopped making cloth flowers, but for me I enjoy the hobby I’ve picked up. And secondly, Did you ever feel like skyping 2 hrs a day was a bit draining? I mean aside from my hobby, I have school and work, at times I feel overwhelmed.

    I hope I did not write to much, lol. And i really do appreciate your article! It was the perfect read for my predicament.


    • Hi Amanda,

      Thanks for the message!
      While I certainly don’t have any foolproof way to help your relationship, I definitely think that if you think 2 hours a day for Skyping is a bit much, you should cut back. It all depends on what you can physically and emotionally do. After 4.5 years together, you still have plenty to talk about – but you don’t necessarily NEED all that time (the same way a couple that has been together for only 2-3 months might need).
      Just from what I’ve read, it seems like cutting back to skyping 4-5 times a week instead of every day would do you well. I hope that helps!

  72. I have been in a 3 year LDR now, the entire relationship was a LDR. We have been meeting over summers. Depression lasts throughout the time we were apart.. And it gets really conplicated because we meet once a year, and every time i see him again after a long time, it feels like i have to know a whole new person again. And i also have to grieve my “lost” partner because he changed so much. And i did too. My question is, why do i feel everything you described in the replacement section? Did i really replace him with something else? I am constantly frustrated and depressed about us. He isnt affected at all. He doesnt know why i am like this. What is wrong? What can we do at this point? Is it normal?

    • Hi Melody,

      Thanks for sharing. Sadly, I have absolutely NO idea what is “normal” in an LDR. Everyone is different, I guess.
      I know friends who have been in LDRS for YEARS and don’t have too many problems – where others can’t do more than 2 weeks appart. It’s difficult.
      Is there anything in paticular that makes your boyfriend NOT sad about the LDR?

      • Anonymous // 8 October, 2014 at 7:34 am //

        Hi Grace :) thank you so much for replying. (Its comforting!)
        Well i guess my point is that i am going through all these crazy things and he isnt. He just thinks its the distance and when we meet it will be ok again. I dont know why everything about him frustrates me and annoys me now where it didnt before. We havent been talking well for the past month too because of this. Did you, or know anyone who went through a period like this? Just mad and angry at everything he does or doesnt do? I guess i want to know if its really just something i have to go through bcoz of the distance, or is it my personal problem! Can i do something or just wait it out? :( i still want it to work but sometimes i want to give up. Love, melody

  73. Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years and now i have moved all the way to the other end of the country . His angry and upset i feel so down lost and depressed especially as his not really talking to me because i had to move .. its only been 3 days but oh my god i cant stop crying or thinking of him I’m so scared of losing him after being together for so long how do i cope what do i do :(

  74. Hi, your post are very helpful…i been in a long distance relationship for a year and in 6 months we probably will get to see each other…im nervous but i dont want to give up even thought the anxiety is getting me im starting to feel helpless and not good enough..he is sweet he motivares me and i hope we get to be together one day…even if My japanese is por and is My third language but i hope it works. I envy in the good way your relationship its heart feeling i wish you soo much happiness ^.^

  75. Thanks for this article Grace. Going through the same thing and great to know that some people made it. I’m german and my bf is from the US and we ve been dating for 4 years now. 1.5 in a LDR. We only see each other every few month and leaving is so hard. He flew back this morning and I’m beyond heartbroken. You would think it becomes eauer easier and not harder..
    Thanks for your post! Julie

  76. Brett Williams // 13 September, 2014 at 1:56 pm //

    Hey everyone.

    Small backstory:
    My girlfriend and I are seniors in high school. We’ve been together since we were freshman. We met via mutual friends and have been together since. I can honestly look at this girl and see myself with her for the rest of my life. I wish I could spend the time it took explaining her to you. In 100% honesty, I’m head over heels for this girl. That being said, I don’t want to hear any “typical high school romance” comments please. I’d really appreciate some advise though.

    My girlfriend and I go to different schools. They’re only about 30 minutes away from each other, but mind you for the first half of our relationship, neither of us could drive. This was significant.

    Were both very dedicated athletes. I’m a track athlete and she’s a softball player, so spring is a really hard time for us. On a good week we see each other 3-4 times in a week. It’s hard. Really hard. I’d do anything to see her everyday but it simply won’t work. We’ve both been offered some sort of athletic scholarship, just to different schools. It looks like well probably end up about 2.5 hours away from each other.

    The advice I’m hoping for pertains to our future. 2.5 hours away, given our schedules, I could MAYBE see her one weekend a month. This terrifies me. I’m kind of a paranoid guy. And I come up with all those scenarios where she decides it’s not worth it, or she finds someone else, or she would rather “have fun” than do the relationship thing. I know most of the stuff I think up is just silly what-ifs. But still… If anyone has any advice on making it work/not being so paranoid/adjusting, or just advice for distance college relationships in general, it would be MUCH appreciated.

    And please, no “stupid high school sweet heart” comments. Remember, I’d count the salt in the sea for this girl and be blessed to do so.

    Thanks everybody.

    • Hi Brett,

      Thanks for sharing :)
      No worries. I met my husband about a week after I turned 19 – and I got my share of “you’re too young” and “just a college fling” thing. So. Yeah. People make rash decisions based on irrelevant facts.
      I know plenty of LDR couples who “survived” college only being able to see each other once a month. It’s hard… but trust is pretty essential. It also helps if both of you aren’t party animals. Less parties = less temptation/chances/accidental cheating.

      • Anonymous // 11 May, 2015 at 11:52 pm //

        Just make sure you always make her feel how you feel about her, whether you guys are together or not… Make her feel how deeply you care for her and how much you want to make the relationship work. And as much as you can, stay positive and let go of the negative vibes. :) Good luck!

  77. Thanks for this blog! I’ve been reading a few of your blogs so far and they help me gain perspective. I’ve just entered a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend after we’d been living together for like half a year (we had been house mates before we started dating). Right now, i think I’m going crazy as I miss him like hell. Thanks to your blog, I see it’s not just me that’s going mad but others as well. I know he is,too, but it’s great reading that others go through that as well.

    • I know. It really is helpful reading that other people went through the same thing. I love how the comment section of these posts has turned into a “share your story” thing – so that other couples can see they aren’t alone (and that not all LDRs are doomed to fail)

  78. Hello, Grace! I came across this article while browsing the web for tips on how to survive an LDR and I really enjoyed it. My boyfriend and I started dating while he was doing a gap year in Africa, and I was in the States. He came back in the summer, and he just recently left again for college, out of state. We had the “Talk” and we both seem to be 100% committed. I’ve been knowing for a long time that he is the one for me, but I can’t help but help incredibly sad every time our Skype dates come to an end, and he notices. He will be back for winter break, but I feel as if that’s a really long time from now. I think I’m entering step 3 – I feel lonely throughout most of the day and tear up every time I think about how far apart we are. I’m in Texas and he’s in Virginia. Do you have any tips on how to cope with this feeling?

  79. Hali Brooke Mason // 28 August, 2014 at 1:42 pm //

    It’s funny. I’ve been feeling depressed about my long-distance relationship, so I read a few of your articles (the 9 benefits one led me to two others). A little over a week ago, I moved from Mobile, Alabama to Ichihara, Chiba, Japan. My fiancé still has a year left of college, though, so he couldn’t move with me. Working as an FLT at a local junior high school, I have the option to renew my one-year contract for a total of a three-year stay. It’s unlikely that Steven will be able to move over here during my stay, and presently, the only time I know I’ll be able to see him is during his Christmas break. It’s been very hard every day since I left, though were I to quit now, I know that I’d regret missing this opportunity later, and he’d feel as though he were getting in the way of my dreams. … Still, I wonder how long I can last here in Japan before I break down and decide to come back. One year? Two years? I wonder.

    • It’s always hard to tell. LDRs are that awkward balance of “how much do I feel comfortable sacrificing for this relationship” and “how much will I regret it if I put my career first and we end up breaking up.”
      I know I was pretty angry/frustrated/depressed when I first moved to Japan after the wedding, because it was impossible to get a job and I felt like I had just committed career suicide.

      I eventually found a job. And my blog became more popular (ish). And I wrote a book. So I’m less angry now.

      I should write a post on that. Huh.
      Also, best of luck in your LDR!

    • paula white // 31 August, 2014 at 4:58 pm //

      Go for your dreams. I live in Mobile Alabama. Stay strong. I been talking to a man from Texas.He said he’s coming to Mobile to visit me all this year. But now I feel he been leading me on. We have wonwonderful conversation on a phone. Very respectful man. But I feel am not valuable to him. I will love to met him. Its just not happen. So am thinking just did thinking to stop communicating. Please advise me..

  80. I’ve almost never not been in a LDR. Even when I had a college boyfriend and we lived on campus together, we eventually went LDR and broke up. Now I have Junkyu in Korea and we are talking more long-term, and we live a country apart but it takes me less time to get to Korea than Tokyo, so it’s not that bad. And we don’t have a time difference, which is the worst part of LDR I think (for the times when there is a time difference). I just visited him so I definitely went through the stages and I know they will cycle back again next time we meet and have to leave again. But each time we see each other, we grow closer, and finally Skyping him again after a whole day traveling back from Korea made me feel like everything was going to be okay. Skyping him is almost more normal than having him in person, but eventually I know it will be worth it. I agree that having a date set and knowing for sure when you will see them next is the best way to keep yourself from going crazy. Even if that date is far away, it’s there to remind you that this isn’t permanent. Thanks for your thoughtful posts, as always!

  81. Feeling really sad at the moment, my girlfriend hopped on the plane this morning back to Canada (I’m from Australia). We met at Uni and have dated for the last 10 months, unfortunately her exchange is up and is now heading back to work at home (also her visa expired). I don’t think there is another person in the world that I want to be with, ever, so I am happy to continue this relationship long distance, and she feels exactly the same. The hardest part for me is not knowing when we will see each other next, I plan to holiday there when I graduate uni in a couple of months but after that we’re not sure… We are rock solid and I know I could happily spend my life with her.. I just hope we can sort out how to do that as leaving our family and friends behind to move overseas scares us both a little.

  82. Edit: I forgot to mention in my last post, I do help when needed financially when I have money on my part, but he’s just the old fashioned type to a degree where he wants to be the one to spend money on me vs me spending for him ;) . And also, I haven’t moved in with him yet because, up until two months ago, I was still needed around the house as a driver since I was one of two drivers out of six (My Father isn’t home but every other reason due to work) and I was finishing high school due to credit issues moving from one state to another (ugh, that’s a whole ‘nother rant though). Now that I’m finished with school and there’s another driver, I’m going to start packing soon and get myself ready to be with him :)

  83. I’m so glad I finally found an article that means something and not just screams “You’re just too clingy!”. Thanks for posting this. I’ve been long distance for over two years with my now fiancé (7-21-24) and all but two months of our relationship has been spent long distance. He lives over 13 hours away, but sadly, we on’y get to see each other in person a few times a year for short periods of time due to both money and a controlling mother on my part. (sad to admit on a 21 year old’s part). He puts money up when he can, but he’s just making enough to pay what he needs after quitting from his last job that paid more and moving back to his hometown.
    It’s been hard being apart and many tears are shed every time we leave each other. It takes me days just to stop crying because I’m reminded “I’m not there with him”. Sure, we go back to finding ways to fill that hole, but we don’t let each other lose who we are. We text through out the day to each other. We have Skype dates almost nightly before we head to bed. We each do our own thing until we know we can get back together. I honestly had some small doubts when I first got ready to leave him after only dating a few months after having one failed LDR. But he’s proven since then he’s worth every tear I cry when I leave him.

  84. Thanks for writing this. I’m not in an LDR because she doesn’t want to be in one – which I respect – but we remain very good friends, and I hope that eventually we are able to pursue a relationship because I really care about her. I felt like this entry was speaking to me, even though, like I said, we are not in a “relationship”. I will just have to learn how to deal with being away from her; though I’ll probably be moving to the same country as her soon, we’ll still be over 5 hours apart from each other and I’ll likely only get to see her on infrequent weekends. I guess I’ll have to learn how to “surrender”.

    • Hi Ryan,

      Thanks for sharing. That’s wonderful that you’ve been able to respect her wishes – and stay in an “informal” LDR (which is more common than you would think). I hope y’all are able to reach a good place in your “relationship” (or become a full-fledged relationship, if possible). Best of luck with your LDR!

  85. Hello Grace, I asked for your advice & shared my thought last February. Now I got married with my then fiance on August 8 (^-^).
    The preparation was so frustrating and I couldn’t meet him for more than 3 months before the day. It’s surprising how I can endure all of that. When I look back to those days now I think it was fun and I kinda miss those days.

    Now that we got married, this LDR feels significantly different. After our wedding ceremony, we spent a week for honeymoon trip. During the trip I was by his side 24 hours. When the honeymoon is over, we have to take separate flight. That was the hardest part, I even cried on the airport.
    Back then I didn’t have to undergo those 4 stages. He is my first boyfriend, my first relationship had been LDR at the first place. He usually spend 2-4 days in each visit. He picked me in the morning and sent me home before 10 PM. Now that I know how it feels to spend all day together with him, it feels lonely more than ever without him by my side.
    Now I begin to understand those 4 stages. On the night before we leave, I cried on his arms. I think I’m currently in second stage and it feels extremely lonely. Though I know the interval of our meeting won’t be as long as before, it still feels painful.

    • Oh wow! Congrats on getting married! That’s incredible~ Good for you!
      Sorry to hear you’re going through these stages (again… even though you’re married…). Thankfully, I only had to do a LDR marriage for like 2 months, so it wasn’t AS bad.
      I would recommend checking out , since she did a similar thing (getting married, then doing LDR). She talks more about marriage after an LDR.

      I’m glad y’all were able to get married, and good luck with your LDR marriage!

  86. Hi Grace:
    I know that this is an older post and it already has so many comments, so mine will probably fall into nowhere-ville. But I wanted to write you and tell you that this blog post, which I found randomly on the internet, really helped me a lot. I have been in a 3-year relationship with my boyfriend, during which we have spent a total of 1.5 years apart, usually in 3-5 month increments. In between the distance increments we were living together or in the same city, but this last time, we have been apart a year, and have been living in different states (I’m in Iowa, he’s in TN.) This has been a lot harder, and we still have 8 months to go before he graduates from school and we can be together again. I feel myself drifting all the time. I feel our relationship falling apart, slowly, because I am gradually losing feeling towards it. It wasn’t until I read your post that I realize that I have actively been practicing ‘replacement.’ I have turned myself into a workaholic. And now, I am a depressed workaholic with too many hobbies that is having trouble relating to her partner. I know he is my soulmate — I know I want to marry him, and he has said the same things to me. But suddenly I feel like I have nothing towards him, and I couldn’t figure out why. Thanks to being able to give it a word — replacement — I went ahead and made an appointment with a therapist today and bought a book of conversation starters… I hope these things will help. They say the first step in fixing anything is admitting you have a problem.

    • Hi Hannah,

      Thanks so much for sharing. I read all my comments (and try to reply to as many as I can). I was just on vacation (no laptop!) for the last week and a half, so I’m just now catching up on email/comments.
      I’m really glad you were able to figure out what was going wrong/changing and seeking professional help. It sounds like you are incredibly committed to this relationship (3 years is a LONG time). I really, really hope a therapist is able to help you work through your drifting/concerns. Good luck!

  87. Such a beautiful story, thank you so much for the advice on what to expect. I’ve been preparing to move to Japan for about 2 years now and finally have everything organized to move in March 2015. I will be living in the beautiful town of Fukuoka while attending Kyushu university. I’ve actually been avoiding relationships because I was afraid of what it would mean when I left, since I don’t plan to return to Australia. Then I met Ren, he’s a Japanese exchange student living in Brisbane for 1 year, he’ll be returning to Japan in December to finish his degree. We met when I was out one night with my girlfriend and we just clicked. Discovered we’re studying the same degree and interested in a similar field of work (mechanical engineering and energy research). The fact I could speak quiet a bit of Japanese and was planning to move to Japan interested him so much. He took me out on a date about a week after out first meeting… He was so cute and shy to start with, but by the end of the night he asked if I would consider being his girlfriend. Now we’ve been together for about 6 months and only have 4 more until he returns to Osaka. We’re planning that we can visit often once I move over since it’s only a $40 flight from Fukuoka to Osaka. But of course I’m terrified about how our relationship will manage with the distance. I saw this blog and am really grateful for the advice about how to cope and what to avoid doing. Hopefully my story will have as happy a beginning as yours (I consider getting married the beginning of your new life).

    • Hi Melanie,

      Thanks so much for sharing. What a coincidence! I’m glad y’all can find cheap flights (that’s the BEST). The distance makes LDRS more difficult… but if you can survive the distance, you can survive anything!

  88. Thank you so much for your article. It’s only been 5 days since I left, and I’m in a wreck. I definitely went through the stages you described. I was in Oslo for 2 days to travel, while my bf remains in Germany, and I was contemplating taking a boat to Kiel and taking a train to where he is, but I obviously can’t, because I will miss my flight back to Singapore, and I don’t have money to buy a ticket back from Germany to Oslo if I do that.

    And then I was crying on the plane and in Oslo. Then I had about 36 hours free from tears, and then tonight I started crying again after we ended our Skype conversation.

    Doing things seem so hard without him. Deep inside I know that it will be worth it, that we will be stronger when this is all over, and I will develop as a person too, but what the brain knows, the heart is blind to.

    I really love how your articles are written. They’re direct, and they bring me to tears, but they give me a bit of strength. Thank you.

    • Thank you so much for your comment. And for sharing. I really do agree with what you wrote “Deep inside I know that it will be worth it, that we will be stronger when this is all over, and I will develop as a person too, but what the brain knows, the heart is blind to.”

      It’s hard, but I swear it is worth it. Good luck!

  89. Hi, I met this guy via an online dating site. We are both living in Newcastle, I’m a master student and he’s a Math teacher. We seldom chatted then one day he asked if we could meet in person. Our first date was ok so that we decided the second date. Surprisingly, both noticed we were living quite close to each other last year and both will move out of England in August this year (I’m going back Vietnam and he’s going to Kuwait for one year working). Two of us liked to continue to see each other in the week before he traveled to Myanmar and I traveled around England. Within that week, we met nearly every day and spent our time together. So during the trip, we still kept our contact on Facebook. I understand Internet in Myanmar and Thailand is not good so I just left my message and he would reply it whenever he found wifi. I don’t know when I have started to miss him so much and he also said he missed me…I just would like him be back to Newcastle as soon as possible…seems fate is playing us…We keep asking why we could not have seen each other earlier, why fate give us the chance to see each other then separating us….and about Internet as well, when he was in Thailand, he tried to call me on skype but I didn’t know so we missed our chance once….and now he’s in Germany for the student camp. One day we would like to skype, this time it connected successfully but we only could see each other three minutes then it failed again….Till now, we still keep messaging on Facebook….Next Saturday, we will see each other after 38 days being apart…I cannot wait to see him but on the other hand, we can only be together for few days then we will be apart again (It’s hurt!)….Both of us don’t want to rush things! I have never been in any relationship before but he did one (a 4 year relationship, he told me he loved his ex so much but then he had found she had been sleeping with other men when they were together.) We understand that we still don’t know each other well and our feelings has not reached the level of love yet…He would like to stay in contact and so do I…Oh, our story is quite confused, I guess….I hope you could share with me…Thank you a lot :).

    • Hi Lyn,

      Thanks for sharing your story! That sounds frustrating – but also a bit magical, that y’all are meeting all over the globe in a sort of international love. Internet connectivity is always a hassle (my husband spent a bit of time in Thailand and I had trouble talking to him/Skyping most days).
      I’m glad y’all are taking it slow and really figuring yourselves out before rushing into a relationship.
      I hope y’all are able to meet and clarify feelings soon!

      • Hi Grace, I’m in Vietnam and he’s in Kuwait currently. It has been one week that we are apart again. The day that we met again two weeks ago was deeply emotional. This time we have been closer than before…we shared more our thoughts about ourselves, our friends, our family and our future…we even had little arguments but it didn’t last long. I have to say those events that we have dealt are like fate again…One night, I believed he would take a train from London back to Newcastle so I did come to the station to wait for him. We did see each other but he told me he didn’t mean to stop at Newcastle (..)..just because he fell asleep on the train so that I could see him…well..( and other events as well, if I tell u all, u might think u are following a movie, haha)
        I just chatted with him on Facebook just few days ago…Internet problem again, Grace (haha), we still could not Skype yet because of no Internet in his accommodation so he has to used wifi in a sheesh bar but the thing is Skype is seen illegal in Kuwait…Really miss him but I will not let this feeling knock me down again…Still keeping hope I will see him again soon. I believe we have been apart once but seen each other again so that we will reunite soon…

        • Hi Lyn,

          Thanks for sharing. Wow, that’s an pretty crazy story… that must be incredibly difficult with him not being able to use Skype in Kuwait (really, it’s illegal?). There are quite a few other apps that allow you to see each others faces (Facetime, Google hangouts, etc) – and if not, you can always record videos and send them to each other, to watch over and laugh.
          I wish y’all the best of luck!

          • Hi Grace,
            Yeah, Skype or Viber is illegal in Kuwait…I guess ,he still can use it as long as it’s not in public places though. However, because he has no phone, no Internet and limited money in Kuwait so that it’s really challengeable for us to communicate at the moment.
            I think recording videos is a great idea. Could you give me more details how to do it please? Like what should I record? Sorry for asking you these kinds of questions. It is just because I have never been in any situation like this.
            And thanks again, Grace. Wish all good things to you and your family as well. :)

          • Not at all :) That makes sense.
            Hmmmm. I think it depends on the person.
            I used to record silly videos (like 30 seconds a day) of just me doing stuff (visiting friends, working, walking the dog) and then string them together and send them to him once a week, so we kind of got to see the other persons “normal” life, and pretend we were still a part of it. Does that make sense?

  90. Thank you for the post. Good reading! I had to leave a comment because I and my boyfriend just started Japan-US long distance! I’m Japanese working on a master’s degree in Indiana. My boyfriend is from Indiana. He’s got his dream job and moved to Japan few weeks ago (oh irony…) I’m actually surprised how I’ve been such a emotional roller coaster because I was very confident about us and myself being ok after he leaves. We’ve been apart for few months in the past, but it has not been easy for me this time. Not having ending date and being left behind in our apartment alone really suck :( Currently I’ve been trying to find good “replacement” for me and it hasn’t been very successful in this small college town during the longest summer break. I hope everything will be better once the school craziness hits. I know we will make it through this one day!

    Thank you again for sharing your thoughts. This made my day a little bit brighter :)

    • Oh wow. Ironic.
      It’s funny because when I was in the LDR, sometimes I would be 100% ok after a visit, like “oh well, I won’t see him for another month”
      But sometimes I would be like “NO. I CAN’T DO THIS. THIS IS NOT OK”

      It’s the worst when both of you have too much free time… but I hope your relationship works out/gets better!

  91. This was a good read. I’m almost in a similar situation. I’m studying in Japan and my girlfriend was a study abroad student. We dated for about 6 months and she stayed an extra semester. But she just finally went back home and I feel so depressed. I do believe we’re 100%committed, so I think it will work out. It definitely helps to see that you finally made it with your long distance relationship.

  92. Hi, I’m from Colombia, in 2007 i went as an exchange student in South Carolina for a year, when i had been there for around 5 months i met a guy, the most wonderful guy, and we started talking and at some point dating, going back home was very difficult because i knew i would miss him so much, but we never decided it was going to be a LDR, so i just came back home and he stayed there, we kept in touch for a while, I knew i liked him so much but i didnt know how long it was going to be before i got to see him again, we talked through facebook once in a while, and we sent messages for our birthday ((Mine is Dec 23rd and his is 24th, we are both currently 23, and he thinks is cool I’m a day older than him)). It took me 3 years before i went to visit South Carolina again, I was so nervous because we had stopped talking for almost a year, but he went where i was the day i got there, and as soon as he saw me we hugged each other for so long, i was there for 10 days, I felt so happy when i got to spend some time with him, and he was happy too, but nothing about really dating came up in any conversation, we were just friends with benefits while i was there, he kept saying how much he liked me but things were not that easy. I came back home once again, so sad because i knew i liedk him so much and I daydreamed about him, wishing he would like me back the way i did, we kept talking for a few months until distance was again between us and we didn’t talked for a long time.. in 2012 things worked out good for me and i had the chance to go visit SC again, since my host family and friends are there too, he was not the main reason i used to visit. By 2012 it had been 2 years since last time i saw him, so yes i was nervous because even if my life never stopped waiting for him, i always kept an eye on him and sometimes i used to think of him. So, yes i saw him, he went to my friends house the 1st day i got there, and he was nervous just like i was, every time we see each other everything around goes away, we forget there is a world out there, and that was the best part of seeing him, we just hugged for so long and looked into each others eyes. I spent 2 weeks over there, he has a exclusive way to stare at me and smile in a way that makes me feel the most beautiful woman in the world, and i wouldnt change that feeling for anything in the world. After those 2 weeks i came back home, again missing him so much, wanting to kiss him and be around him, same as other times, we talked for a few months and then we just stopped talking, as we both went to the same high school we have some friends in common who said he talked about me so much, but still, we never decided to give it a shot and try a LDR.
    Well, in February, for some reason, we started talking again, and it felt different this time, we talked every day via Whatsapp and he used to call me every now and then, and i felt so good, it was nice talking to him about my day, about how o felt or what was i doing, and he was doing the same, we created a bond stronger than every other time, and by May i decided that i was going to visit for summer, It was 2 years after the last time, and we had been talking for so long that we knew it was going to be different, he told his friends and family about how excited he was that i was going, we started a countdown of 60 days, by the time there was 1 day missing, we couldnt believe it, and yes, July 9th, I landed in Greenville SC and went to Greenwood, SC to see him, and when he was standing in front of me, i even forgot how to breath, i couldn’t move, and he grabbed me in his arms in a big hug that i will never forget… and yes, it just didn’t feel different, it WAS different, things came out of control for us, he took me to his house with his family, they loved me and i loved them! We spent the most wonderful time, we had time to talk about why it didnt worked out before, and of course we were young and immature, but this time, It was so great, after 7 long years we finally let out feelings out, he is such a romantic guy, we talked about dating and figure something out to meet more often, about how much we liked each other and how things might work between us, and i have dreamed about it for so long that i would give anything for that realtionship, my 100%, and by july 18th, having a late dinner, he asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend, and of course i said yes!
    We are 100% committed in this relationship, i feel like Im in heaven, i have been back home for a week now, and I miss him so much. We downloaded this great app which works very good for us Couple app, its an app for couples, which has a screen where you can draw with your significant other, or thumbkiss where you put ur finger in one spot of the screen and when the other person puts his finger there too the screen turns red and vibrates like a kiss, we keep sending pictures of each other, voice notes and videos during the day.
    I am currently happy with this relationship, and reading all this makes me feel like there is a way to make it work, and find a happy ending. Now, I’m falling inlove with my amazing and dreamed man.

    • Anonymous // 4 August, 2014 at 7:18 am //

      Thank you for sharing that beautiful story. I too am in an LDR for well over a year and its very hard. I miss him terribly but his work doesn’t allow him to visit much. We also do what’s app and I like it but I wanna try that couples app now so thanks for sharing the things you like that help keep you going. I get depressed sometimes because its hard to grow with someone when you’re so far away and I worry he will find someone else.

  93. Hello.. My name is Emily I live in Utah..
    my boyfriend just left and hour and a half ago back to london where he lives. It was our first time meeting each other..i had the most incredible time with that hes gone im trying my best to overcome this deep depression it hurts. All i want to do is talk to someone about it or how to overcome it. And thats why im here. Ive just finished reading some of these comments they are soo inspiring it makes me feel better because i can say “wow there are other people in this world who have it as hard as i do and get through it!”
    Me and my bf met on facebook he randomly added me in february 2013 we started talking in april then became a couple om july 18, was our 1st year anniversary not to long ago..i enjoyed every bit of him. Hes a true sweet heart. Hes soo dedicated and comitted. My mom wasnt to sure about him before he came to visit, and now she looves him. :) since july of last year..weve had highs and was mainly me who would needy i guess..but not over obsessively needy just when I’m lonely.
    My bf and i plan to get married after graduation and start our lives from there..hes going to move to the U.S. precisely next year around this time..from therehe starts working at the airport and i study social work and later become a psychologist.
    We Love Each Other, they say we may be too young but.. with him he makes me feel alive and loved. ♡ thanks for the stories.
    May you all have a wonderful relationship. You all inspire me ♥

  94. Thank you for writing this post, I feel very understood and I can relate almost completely to, at least the first 2 stages you mentioned. I met an amazing guy when I was studying abroad in Australia (I’m Ecuadorian), I only stayed a semester, but we where roommates, so we got to spend every day together, getting to know each other in our good and bad ways, enjoying every little thing from a regular couple’s life: from cooking, grocery shopping, going to the doctor, to going out on dates, having romantic dinners, etc. We had a few fights, but we got to connect in such a depth, that we never hid how we felt about anything; if one of us was pissed about something, we’d just say it, talk about it and forgive each other straight up. I swear I wasn’t expecting to fall inlove, because I was aware of how far away he lives, but these things just happen, and we learned to live together and accept each other’s flaws so easily that I just think he is The One. He even was excited to introduce me to his family, I was hesitating a lot, but I accepted and it was a great thing to do because they completely support our relationship. We cried every time we talked about me having to go back at the end of the semester, so we pretty much avoided the topic until we found out time flew so fast and It was almost time to go. My last week there was both beautiful and painful, we’d just lie in bed kissing each other and crying, when he dropped me at the airport we couldn’t help hugging and crying in public, security giving us weird looks, but we didn’t really mind. Before leaving we both agreed that we loved each other crazily, and he promised he was going to do everything he could to see me again, and that’s how we got into this LDR :(. It has been just a week since we’ve been apart and we’ve both cried every day. The first time we skyped we couldn’t hold our tears, seeing each other separated from a screen after spending so much time together is terrible. We both miss each other and I can feel his love even if we’re miles apart, but I think that this LDR is especially complicated since there’s a 13 hour difference, and when I wake up he goes to bed. We talk everyday via Whatsapp, and send each other cute voicenotes, selfies and emotional support, talking to him gives me strength. I am worried about the roller coaster feelings I get, I am in such an instability and It’s not healthy for me. Sometimes I overthink things too much and wonder if I can get over so much pain, but I always get to the conclusion that, as long as I love him like this, I’ll keep on fighting, and he tells me he feels strong to make this work. I’m 20 years old and he is 19, we’re hoping with all our hearts to see each other in 5 months (It gets hard to plan trips when plane tickets are more than $3000), my family supports this as well, so our main problem is just the fact that we miss each other so much that we get impatient and desperate :(. We’ve both agreed that if everything goes well, I’ll finish graduating Uni and go to Australia to complete my masters, and hopefully stay there. I’d very much like you to tell me how to cope with overthinking and how did you manage to control impatience, It’s driving both of us crazy, but we are all in into this, fully committed, and I’m also glad to say that we both trust each other very much, jealousy is the least thing to worry about for now.
    Thank you very much, writing this made me feel a bit better :), and hope everything’s going well with your Japanese sweetheart

    • Wow, thanks for sharing! That is such a touching story…
      I feel you, though. Plane tickets across the world are SO expensive… being in a LDR when you’re young (and broke) is really hard. I hope that you are able to do your Masters in Australia! That would be wonderful~

  95. Anonymous // 9 July, 2014 at 11:16 am //

    Thanks for this, I’m so happy you had a great ending for you!

  96. I met someone oneline and i fell real hard he is younger i am a twice married about to be 48 year old women he is a 37 year old whos wifee left him when he came back. From overseas he is not divorced as i am. Not either but it has short time we had a date kissed and spent two hours togather but hey what can i say i am a vet and women and i am trying not to care five hours si not bad and hey i do not want to scared him with i love him… he is tangled up but hey i am afriad if i say nothing i risk loss yes Man is saposed to persue the women but what is wrong with an older women who knows what she likes persuing the man He is calm fun and at times is shy we just clicked and the kissing was restrained but natural…he is passionate as i am but sometimes i feel i am caught in middled as he may see me as way of humilating older spouse i am even older than her…I feel so bad in this love restrained straight jacket i may attend college there. Spet threw dec to see if we have chance. It would be done on the sneak as i am thinking of not telling him and as surprise way of saying listen i care it will probably backfire but who knows?

    Happy for this sweet couple so it is hope…

  97. Anonymous // 3 July, 2014 at 10:22 pm //

    Hi,Am 20. My relationship is a fresh one but I never knew it would turn out 2 be a long distance relationship. People have been talking about it, but I neva knew it 2 be a painful,lonely & heart breaking experience. Whenever am alone, I always try to think of something else to distract me but it just doesn’t work,d next thing I see are just tears. We do communicate on phone & through BBM but dat’s just not enough. It just don’t help 2 feel the Vacum I have in my Heart. But whenever I feel dis bad or chattered something keeps pulling me 2gether. I pray it all just works out

  98. Hi, I am 17 (NJ) and I started an LDR at age 15. My boyfriend (Kansas) and I are currently courting. Our relationship started from an online game. We lied about how we met to our friends and family because to us, it was very embarrassing to say we met on the Xbox :( . Soo we’d keep it short and simple : we met through a friend ( well his friend basically set us up in a way ). The challenge we faced in the beginning of our LDR , was our age difference. I am currently a minor, but 2 years ago I was way too young ( I still am young but that’s okay ). He was 18 and the relationship was deemed inappropriate by many adults ( my mom , family, friends etc. ). I couldn’t help my feelings for him, I loved him. Even though I knew better, I did lie about my age. I said I was 17 going on 18 and he fell for it because I guess I came off as mature. Even though my mother wasn’t completely comfortable with the situation she said I MUST tell him the truth. I did, he was shocked and reminded me that he could go to jail . He never left me… although I did have to earn his trust again. Luckily, we are able to look back and laugh about it; I still feel a bit of guilt even though he forgave me a long time ago.
    My mother finally came around and gave consent after she spoke with him and did an exclusive ‘mommy background check’ on him. That was definitely a huge weight off of our shoulders. Then later on we wanted to meet in person. My mum thought it was important, we all did. He arrived here in New Jersey early in the morning (last yr.) I wouldn’t say it was the best experience because we didn’t have any leisure, my mother escorted us everywhere we went, she never let us out of her sight. He wanted to take me out to dinner that same day and she refused it. We were totally bummed about it so we all went back to my place. We sat on the couch not really saying much because, of course, my mother has to sit right in front of us at the dinning table doing her jewelry waiting to listen in on what we say. Once 8pm hit, it was time for him to drive to the hotel and that was already hard enough, I felt like he was leaving me forever but in actuality it would only be for a few hours. We couldn’t wait that long and at 1am he drove back to my place and I snook out the house for the very first time in my life. I made sure I had everything prepared such as: putting my barking dog into my room so she doesnt hear when I open thr front door, taking the chimes off the door, taking a key with me so I get back in, stuffing pillows on my bed so it appears as if im under the covers, and turning off all the lights. I was able to make it to the car and I got in and we had our first kiss. It didn’t feel uncomfortable being alone with him. We didnt do anything we weren’t supposed to , don’t worry, but we wanted to be alone and hold hands openly talking about how crazy it is that we are right in front of each other. It was Not even 10 minutes and my grandmother called my phone. I am completely busted , she asked where I was , I responded, “I am outside in the parking lot” she couldn’t believe I pulled a stunt like that with a guy I literally just met a couple hours ago. She also asked who I was with and I refrained from saying who I was with and I just said I was alone but I am coming back to the house right away. My mother was up. Absolutely everything was ruined, the next morning my mother said to me I can’t see him anymore. I was devastated, my heart was so numb. Not too long ago, the guy I was longing to see came here to visit me and everything was so surreal. He wasn’t even here a full day and my mother already separated us physically. We didn’t give up.
    She tried hard to keep us from talking. My smartphone was taken away and by then I had my doubts. I thought: he’d leave me, this is it, I can’t contact him, I can’t hear him, we can’t talk about the big mistake, it’ll never work, I’m so stupid, HE’S so stupid for even thinking up the idea of coming at ungodly hours of the night to see me. I called him on the house phone and he was already driving back up, I have never heard a guy cry so much for me. He was so sorry for ruining his visit and he still goes on about how he could have done things differently. Well, afterwords a week and a half, My mother basically shipped me off to East Hampton so I could stay with my grandmother. We weren’t on good terms so it was a get away. She gave me a payphone, so every text message took away the pre-paid minutes and the calls deducted minutes as well. It was a punishment because obviously our relationship is based on communication. He was aware that we had to conserve every minute so we were forced to not talk for a while. I borrowed other people’s phones to tell him I love him forever and always and not to respond back. I already knew he felt the same way. Even though we were cornered into opposite walls. We were emotionally undefeated. One day he was able to call and tell me that he needs me in his life and he couldn’t leave. I knew we were 100% committed but it was so reassuring to know that even through the challenging time we were still connected. From last year to this year we have grown. So did the relationship with my mother, grandmother and other family members. All has been forgiven. I saw him again in February for the second time. Trust me, we already know not to pull a stunt like before. We wanted all the precious time we can get but there were some changes: no mom allowed. She let us spend time together! All of it was great and while we were in Kansas he brought me to his parents. It was a success ✔ Or so we thought….
    While I was there I felt as if I was trying super hard to impress them so they like me for who I am….but what if they didn’t really like me, for me. Its not my personality , they say I brought life and good energy!

    • Oh man. That’s a pretty complicated story.
      I’m glad it all seems to be working out (for now). It’s hard to get people to take such a “young” relationship (age wise and length wise) seriously, but it seems like y’all know what you’re doing.
      I know tons of people who met online through a game – so don’t worry :)

      • Anonymous // 3 July, 2014 at 5:35 pm //

        Haha we are “young and dumb” (says the older generation)… but we have goals of our own, and we want to pursue them first! Then we’ll see if later down the road they’ll realize how serious we were from the start

    • I am very happy for you i am yes about to be 48 i a so happy for you i love a man and yes it is still taboo for a women of my age to like love or consider dating a man 10 yearss younger if i was a man and he a 37 year old. No onw would car but alot of people even family members put preshure o there kids I wish the world was fair i am just new to the internet and trying it a year and two months and had one bad date and three really bad dates form people met at social events… I wish i could wish you the best in person and i want the world to know at times loves has no age limit or shelf life and it is terrifiing to have him dump me but hey i had an abusive spouse and my therpist applouds my at least trying 4 times this year…My best and prayers Mary I had real old fashioned upbring and wish i could trust more and worry less!

  99. Phyllis // 30 June, 2014 at 8:04 pm //

    Hello Grace, that was a beautiful story. My SO and I are also in a LDR but we are both in the US. He lives on the East Coast and I live on the West Coast. We met online in 2011,and met for the first time on Valentine’s Day of this year. That was the best weekend ever and I have been to see him 3 times since then. We will be moving in together this weekend. He wants to marry me, we are both well over 25 hell we are almost 50. I have never been happier and I hope we will grow older together and enjoy our golden years. Love conquers all at ANY age. Thank you for listening.

  100. Phyllis // 30 June, 2014 at 7:54 pm //

    Hello Grace, that was a beautiful story. My first So are also in a Large also but we are both in the US. He lives on the East Coast music and I live on the West Coast. We met online in 2011,and met for the first time Valentine’s Day of this year. That was the best weekend ever and I have been to see him 3 times since then. We will be moving in together this weekend. He wants to marry me, we are both well over 25 hell we are almost 50. I have never been happier and I hope we will grow older together and enjoy our golden years. Love conquers all at ANY age.

  101. I’m a guy, aged 22. My girlfriend recently moved abroad for summer vacations and there she would get engaged to her cousin. None of them are in the favor of this marriage and the girl told her mom about the guys disliking too, but her mom wouldn’t listen. The parents want some legal marriage documentation sort of thing done there in Australia so that she gets her visa soon once she comes back to Pakistan. She has left for almost 40 days and it is probably her 2nd day there today. The girl even told her mom about us, liking each other. She knows me as i have been visiting her place for exam studies etc. All of a sudden her mom changed her mind and decided to get her Nikkah done( a muslim custom performed right before marriage). I have been feeling extremely depressed these days so much so that i often ended up crying, something that i am disappointed of being a guy but i couldn’t help it. My mom is aware of my situation and she often tries to calm me down and cries too when she watches me depressed. The girl’s mom thinks that since we belong to different sects in Islam we have no future, cuz even if we had a future it would be marred by problems. We really like each other and we are in the fourth year of bachelors degree and having been in a relationship. We were best friends and we are too. But the thought of her living with that family and interacting with the guy is killing me. I try my best to get my mind off this but that’s of no use. She is a really nice girl and i have full faith in her but i sometimes start getting pissed at her as if she’s happy and doing nothing to protect the relationship. I have been pretty upset. Please help me someone. I am also planning to move abroad next year for masters and i’m pretty hopeful of getting a good job too to secure her future. But i fail to get why her mom is not listening even though she knows her daughter is not happy and cries day in and day out. The guy told my girlfriend himself that he drinks and can’t give up and his family doesn’t know about this. Whenever i discuss with my gf she ends up crying cuz honestly speaking she did try a lot. But we are still trying and praying. But there seems no way out of this depression. She tries to explain that i can not tell the guy and his family that i like someone else but i can stay quite if they ask me if i am happy. She says she loves me more than anything and she would keep on loving me and we will remain best friends and talk forever and be there for each other, i trust her and know shes saying the truth. But once she gets married, she would be busy with her life and house affairs, how would she have time for me. It would be unethical to ask her for a similar relationship because now she would be someones wife. It would be unethical on both of us. But the thought of her living with another guy and making a family would kill me. She says the guy is afraid of having kids with her and says she would avoid physical contact as long as she can. But i know one day or the other the guy would be pressurized from his family to go for a baby, or he might even want to do it out of his own will, even if it is not for a baby. My life and hopes would be over. She would be back after 40 days for a year or so but i won’t be having the same time with her if she gets engaged or nikkah-ofied. Please guys help, i know i’m being a girl here but i am so attached to her that this situation is getting out of my hand. thanks.

    • Wow, that sounds really rough.
      No need to apologize “for being a girl” – I think it’s really normal to have these strong feelings and want to fight for the one you love.

      I don’t really know if I can offer any advice, though. This is just so far out of what I “know.” My husband and I only had to deal with distance – never from disapproving family or conflicting religions.

      But I think you’re right – if she gets married to someone else that kind of spells the end of your relationship. It’s incredibly hard to keep up a relationship with someone who is married (not to mention it’s not fair to either of you), and I think she will eventually come to have feelings for her spouse.
      With enough love, trust, and proximity, it’s easy to develope feelings for anyone.

      I guess both of you kind of just need to make a decision. Either she turns down the family wish for her to get engaged (which is incredibly difficult and she might get kicked out of the family…?) and commits to you… or both of you have to break up.

      It’s really difficult when it comes to money, visa, time, and family problems.

      I hope posting here helped you sort through stuff – and hopefully someone else who is reading can offer better advice.

      • Phyllis // 30 June, 2014 at 7:35 pm //

        Wow… Considering you both are young and at that pleasing your family stage, let her go. I understand how you both feel about each other, but when she gets married where does that leave you? Your happiness is just as important as hers. I say go on with your life and find someone that will love you unconditionally.

  102. Hi grace your story is beautiful. My bf is Japanese too we been doing LDR for 2 year and I went to japan 2 times for 3 months each time… I just came back to America and I feel so depressed feel like doing nothing and the worse thing I feel my heart hurts so much because I can’t see him and it’s a weird feelings we still
    Together but I feel heart broken… I cry always at the am when I woke up and he’s not here … It’s hard … So hard how I miss him. I want to do my best but is so hard ……

  103. Hi grace, I’m new to the idea of a LDR. I met my SO in Panama City beach FL. I’m from the UK.
    Since then I went out to visit her in the states for two weeks. We both grew incredibly fond of eachother.
    She has spent the last week here in England with me, and today she left to return to Arkansas. With a 6 hour time difference and a 12 hour flight separating us things become very hard.
    I’m heading back out to America in three weeks to spend almost 5 weeks with her. Usually we are apart for 4-5 weeks at a time.
    With both of us going back to university soon, we know we can’t make such regular trips.
    She’s only been gone from me for 8 hours or so, and I know im going to be back with her 21 days from now, but I can’t help feel those three weeks are an eternity away.
    Right now #2 is hitting me hard.
    It’s excellent to see that you worked things out in the end.
    Does it ever get easier? I know retuning home from my summer trip will put me in a bad place. I just wanted to know if the feeling you mentioned of having a hole in your heart ever subsides? Because right now I couldn’t think of a worse feeling in the world.

    • I don’t know if it ever got any easier. If anything, it got harder… but I learned how to deal with it better. The longer you’re in a LDR, the better you learn to cope with the separation.

  104. Anonymous // 23 June, 2014 at 4:18 am //

    Hi Grace,
    I have just read your post it has given me so much power. .. I’ve been living in a LDR for almost half a year. Our meeting was a real wonder, unbelievable (his best friend was my penfriend) and we are still in deep love, it’s just increasing day by day. We are sure we are soulmates and want to spend all of our lives together. The problem is we have never met and although we really want we are unable because my father is totally against this. (We both are students) his parents’ve already accepted it but my dad doesnt let him come. I feel nobody takes us seriously because we are young and “we’ve never met so we don’t know each other’ -.-” I’m from Hungary and he is Indian. I trust him more than anybody. Many people around me are like “you shouldn’t trust him, oh my god what a country, he just wants to get to europe”. People are talking like this without knowing anything about him or our relationship! Plus my dad’s saying he (dad) wants to save me from a disappointment, and this relationship doesn’t have future, and we can’t afford this relationship. .. it makes us very sad but we won’t give it up just sometimes we get some depressing feelings that we dont have any support and we have no idea how and when will we meet like this..:/ we are crazily in love and can’t live without each could I convince my dad to give him.and invitation for visa? And how could i make him realize we are serious? We’ve had to face so many problems but we solved all. We have plans but i dont know how will we fulfil them till I’m dependent on my father :(

  105. Hi
    I have been in a long distance relationship for almost a year..we became friends on fb and den after about a year it moved forward to us accepting it. I live in Pakistan nd he is working in US and trust me i sometimes wonder how we even made it happen.. we barely get a 3 hour period wen we can actly communicate.
    In d beginning it was all stars and den he visited in dec for 20 day. Although we cud barely meet each other a few hours a day or sometimes even less, it was enuff. Den he left and i was pretty upset but i cried one day and got over it. I visited him in states on Valentine’s day and we spent the most beautiful time for a month. After dat i was away for some work in states only for about 1.5 months and we talked but didnt meet each other. Now i am back home 19,000 km from him in a different time zone. Since i have been here i miss him more every single second. I can’t even sleep, keep trying to fall asleep but d hole dat u mentioned is so deep. It is so painful. I dont know how i came across dis article but as i was reading through it i could not stop my tears for one minute. Ijust miss him so much. I dont knoe how to keep going. Plus i have a huge exam dat i have to take in a few months. If i keep going like dis i will not be able to do any studying. I dont know wat to do.

  106. Hi Grace,

    I just wanted to say thank you for this entry. I have been in a long distance relationship before, long distance meaning being a six hour drive apart, and I am about to embark on a much more challenging LDR – Australia to Europe for 3 years. We will be able to see each other every 6 months max, and I just can’t see myself board that plane in a couple of weeks. Your insight helped me though, and it feels good to see that the two of you made it! That gives me hope for my relationship.

  107. hello…im been with a long distance relationship im from philippines my fiancee was living in tampa florida we meet almost 5months but love cannot measure how long or short the love we both feel to each other …he decided to visit me here in philippines this last may 17,2014 he spend almost 26 days here and it was really the best time of my life..we explore everything i feel so much love in my heart the way he treat me he was so sweet caring and sincere he love me so much and i feel the same way too..for me its like a fairy tale come true he love me unconditionally even though i had a kids already…LDRis not really so easy it really give us both worries .anxiety,deppressed the feelings that u want to hug him and kiss him but u cannot do it instead u just caress the screen of the computer imagining u touching his face makes me going crazy…but faith and hope never lose in my mind despite of that we dont give up to each other.we share thoughts, feelings ,and dreams in our future oneday.he was 47 im 27 but we really love each other so much that we think we are really soulmate for me he was the answer to my prayers…right now he go back in USA again and this is the saddest part of our life both..i remember when i accompany him in the airport to say my goodbye to him it was the most terrible feeling i ever feel in my whole life the day i feel like my world falls down on me again the pain i feel is unbearable while watching him board the plane…i cried so hard that i forget many ppl are there he cried too while weaving at me going to the entrance gates i look him in till he gone from my sight i feel my heart tore into pieces…im wondering how can i survive the feelings i feel inside my heart untill i got back home i feel like im so sad deppressed i dont want to move dont want to eat i just want o be alone im afraid to sleep coz when im wake up i feel longing in my heart…right now i just want to know how can i survive this feeling of sadness in my heart..we skype each other almost 24 hrs but it seems its not enough i want to hug him hold him tight but i know behind the screen monitor was a 10.000.000miles distance away..pls tell me what to do its so new to me the feelings im dealing now…thanks a lot for reading.god bless.

    • It really sounds like y’all love each other so much. Being in a LDR is so hard when you live far away – it seems like no matter how much you Skype, you still NEED them even more.

      Do y’all have any plans to get married? I know you can apply for a “fiance visa” for visit the states for three months – and at the end of the three months, you either have to get married or go back to your country. That visa has been very helpful for couples who normally aren’t able to see each other for visa restriction problems.
      I hope it all works out for y’all!

  108. Tatiana Andrade // 12 June, 2014 at 12:23 pm //

    Hi, I loved your post. I have been in a LDR for a year now and we are hitting the stage of second guessing our relationship. I live in Boston and he lives in NC and we even met each other while both of us were on vacation. The first time I met him I just felt he was the one. soon after i went home we haven’t missed a day without speaking to each other. I even visited him after a month of talking and after 2-3 months we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It seems crazy but thats how love is. Our problem now is seeing whether or not this relationship is worth it. Honestly, I feel that sacrifice is worth it if you truly love someone but my boyfriend is experiencing the depression associated with LDR. I feel like this at times but I know this will only be temporary. I will be graduating next spring so the possibilities are endless. We even met each others parents. So its pretty serious. I just hope our love gets us over this hurdle. I don’t know what I would do If I lost him.

  109. Hi Grace,
    I am married and a mother of 2. my husband our daughter lives in another state which is 8 hr bus ride away while I and our son lives together. We have not seen each other since february which is 4 months now. Although we talk on phone up to five times a day and we talk long hours. It has been like this for the past three years. Please what can i do to make him come visiting now.

    • Thanks for sharing!
      Sorry to hear y’all have been unable to close the distance in 3 years. Is there any reason y’all can’t move in together (separate jobs in different cities?).
      Even though moving to a new city is hard, being with the one you love makes it worth it!

  110. thank you so much for posting this. my name is Alaina, I’m a nursing student in college dating an already nurse who has her life set and me being In school still causes the long distance. We are a same sex couple ( so you don’t get confused lol) and my partner Mara lives about an hour and a half from my college (where I live in an apartment off campus) and when I go home she’s 2 and a half hours away. seeing the distance you dealt with makes me feel so much better. My girlfriend and I always say that we can make it work but I’m in a stage 2 right now of being so depressed because it was the first time I became very upset after leaving her and crying for what seemed like forever. I had stayed about 2 weeks which is why it was so hard. I got used to a daily routine together and now I am off to work at a residential summer camp for 2 months that is about 2 hours. seeing your post though makes me know that it will be OK and it just takes time. the good thing is we don’t replace, we just move on. I hope you and your husband are doing well! makes me feel better to see other stories.
    p.s we have been together almost a year so were going strong it’s just hard!

    • Hi Alaina,

      Thank you so much for sharing :) Best of luck to you and your girlfriend! That’s so great!

      It’s really hard saying “goodbye” after sort of establishing a routine. I remember that. It makes the post-depression so much worse. It’s good to hear that y’all don’t replace. And that each of you still has your own work/stuff!

  111. Theresa // 6 June, 2014 at 11:10 am //

    Thank you so much for writing this post! It was a very helpful article in light of my current “stage 2” depression. My boyfriend and I have had a 2.5hr long distance relationship for about 1.5 years now…and it just switched to a 12-hr car ride LDR. Fortunately, we are close to airports which drag down the travel time; but because of our current career paths (him in the Army and me as a baby lawyer), it seems nearly impossible to make the LDR end anytime soon. The new station was unexpected, but we are intent on making it work. I feel so lucky to have someone that is in it for the long run…but that does not make the times apart much easier. Seeing success stories like yours makes me smile…thank you again!

    • Hi Theresa,

      Thanks for sharing! I also love to hear from other couples who have “gone the distance” (or who are still going). Sorry to hear y’all are so far apart, but being close to an airport certainly helps.
      And even if you can’t see an end to the LDR – it’s awesome that y’all are still trying so hard!

  112. Michelle // 5 June, 2014 at 2:04 pm //

    Google suggested this article to me when I searched up “My boyfriend just moved away and now I’m depressed”. And this article is great, thank you Grace. It always makes me feel better when I can see other people accomplishing things that I see as impossibly difficult. I also began reading many of your other articles. You seem like a wonderful couple and I hope me and my boyfriend will be at the point you guys are at one day. My boyfriend just left today. I took him to the airport and he said before he had to go through security, “if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.” I know it’s meant to be, but it makes it so much harder when they live on the other side of the world (literally) and it could be a year until I see him again…. :/

    • Google has been recommending quite a few people to this post in the last couple of months.
      LDRs are really, REALLY hard – but you know that they can be done. And, since writing this post, I got in contact with lots of other LDR couples (who only get to see each other a couple times a year) who were able to make the distance work.

      Best of luck to you and your boyfriend, don’t give up!

  113. Hello Grace,
    First off, thank-you so much for sharing your story! I feel like when I read your articles that I’m reading my own writing! I’d like to ask for some advice though: my boyfriend and I are very committed, he’s a wonderful guy, and we’re doing LDR for the summer (3 months) as he is in another state completing an internship. We talk for hours each day and we Skype but I’m sooo depressed! I know he misses me too but my reaction to all this is so much more severe. I’ve lost 13lbs, dont sleep well at all, had to go to therapy for anxiety, and I’ve been having stomach issues as well. So far we’ve only been apart 4 weeks. We’ll see each other once a month but I feel like it’s not enough. I’ve always been a jealous person in a relationship (like you!) but the distance is making me crazy. I also actually hacked his fb and went through his messages (again, like you I found nothing). I told my bf and he was disappointed about my lack of trust but not mad. He’s so much more confident about us than me and he trusts me implicitly. Why is this SO MUCH HARDER for me?? Thoughts and advice would be great!

    • Some people just struggle with anxiety – some don’t. My husband has never had an anxiety attack and he never quite understood what was going on on my side.
      So it was hard.

      I guess it’s just important to remember that you are both very committed – and that the future will be better.

      Long distance is hard – especially when you struggle with anxiety. But good luck!

  114. confusion // 2 June, 2014 at 10:13 am //

    Hi Grace.
    Have you ever gone through a rough time like this in either of your two long distance relationships? In my case, he is a cook. I met him in a weekend trip dining where he works, we felt this spark so we started talking after I went back home (a 3 hour flight) and became so fond of our personalities that I traveled there again (he couldn’t as he only had one day off) and it was wonderful. I went there three times more, we talked on the phone the whole day… to sum up, he told me (and showed it) he was in love with me, I was the love of his life, he had never felt like this before in his life, that we were going to get married and have kids and marry at his grandfather’s house, introduced me to his brother who lived there as well, through the internet and whatsapp to the rest of his family, whoever we came across he told them I was his girlfriend… the last one. Amongst a whole lot of things he demonstrated. The last time I went there, the last day, we had a horrible fight. But we reconciled before I left and I got over it. When we reconciled, he said with tears in his eyes that he wanted the best for me. I came back here and he did start to behave less sweet, but nothing too different for me to notice. This was 20 days before he was going to come here (where I live and where he is from). He has been doing the season there for the last six years… it lasts for 10 months, then he comes back to the city, sometimes goes on holiday, then goes back there to do the season. 10 days before he was coming back, I had been noticing him cold for a week so I asked him and he avoided saying anything. When I insisted, he said he coulnd’t promise me he would adapt to living here in the big city (where he lives is REALLY small), that he hated this city and the years when he worked here, those jobs where hell (he lives in a cold place where he is paid extra for unafavourable conditions and works in a very nice – hegh category restaurant). I said that we could try and maintain the relationship and later see if we would move, either he, me, or both of us to a third city), to what he answered that I had a lot of potential to grow up here (I have a pretty good career in the business world) and he had a good potential there, that maybe we weren’t at the same stage of commitment, and that maybe that he had gone too far on planning on our future together. He said that it would be better to end it now that 3 months later when it would hurt him 4 times more.
    We have known each other for 4 months and a half, I started going there 3 months and a half ago, he asked me to be his girlfriend 3 months ago, and this talk came up 25 days ago. It’s been 15 days since he came back here and we have not seen each other yet. He did call, avoided to talk about this so I did the same, then when I called to see him and asked him if he had thought about it, he said that after what he was offered for his job (much better conditions), he didn’t see it possible to continue with this relationship, that even if I was his soulmate, he was seeing things more reallistically and asked me if I was ready to have a relationship with someone I wouldn’t see more than once a week (this is something that worried him all through the relationship)…
    So I gave up trying to see him, he did send a message asking how I was the day he had agreed to meet me, I didn’t answer and that night he added me to facebook, I didn’t accept and asked him if he had done it, he said that it was his phone and it was unintentional (I know this is a lie), asked me how I was and I didn’t answer again.
    I figured that this is not the way to end a relationship with someone to whom you said and showed that was one of the best things that had ever happened to you, no matter how short it was. So I decided to stop contact and do my life and if he ever thinks things over and shows he truly wants to give it a try, he will do it (he sent me a huge VASE of flowers when this started for God’s sake).
    I am very confused… such strong feelings can’t fade overnight… I swear it was true, otherwise I would have noticed… I know there is no other woman, and that he hasn’t lied to me. It COULD be that it was infatuation and then he coldly saw this job/lifestyle thing and felt fear, but again… infatuation alone doesn’t lead you to say and show ALL that much to a woman… and if you felt that much, won’t you give it a try?
    What do you think? About the whole thing and about my attitude now? Have you or your partner ever been through doubts like these? You, your husband or your ex long distance boyfriend?
    Anyone who wants to give your insight, I’d really appreciate it. I have been going through a lot of pain… Thank you.

    • Thanks for your message. Wow, your story sounds very complicated.

      Something I’ve noticed in LRD couples – especially ones that move very quickly in the beginning – is the fact that one person is more ready than the other to commit. In this case, it sounds like you are willing to relocate (take a pay cut/lose a good job) to be together, but he’s still unsure about the future. And he wants to look out for your best interest, in case something goes wrong or the relationship doesn’t work.

      I think y’all had a spark in the beginning (and it’s both good and bad you moved so fast), but now you have to deal with the “slow days” or the “low days” where everything isn’t good.

      I think the way he’s breaking off your relationship so suddenly isn’t right, though. That’s not fair to you.

  115. Danielle // 23 May, 2014 at 2:14 pm //

    Thanks for sharing this blog. I feel incredibly related to your four stages of LDR. My boyfriend and I have been dating since early high school and now we are both juniors in college. We’ve managed to endure long distance for a total of three years now. One more year until we both graduate. After graduation, we will probably try to plan to stay closer to each other. Currently we are 3 hours apart by plane.
    Today, I am at stage #2.. because he just left this morning for home after visiting me for 13 days. Usually, we only get to see each other for a short period (3-7 days) every 1-2 months. This time, because we spent a lot more time together, stage #2 is a lot harder for me. But it’s very comforting to know that someone else has been through the same situation and is now happy.
    I find that my feeling depressed when we’re apart really negatively affects my everyday life. I can’t seem to enjoy social interactions as much as I should, and I become very antisocial and usually stay at home when I can. I also become much more clingy, and my boyfriend and I text and skype and sometimes phone call almost everyday. It also makes me much more sensitive and moody, causing my boyfriend and I to fight more during long distance. But then when we are together, it’s like I become a whole new person, happier, more outgoing, more energetic. I just wish I could find a better way to cope and feel more motivation to live my life and do other things while we are apart.

    • I remember that lack of motivation and short-term anxiety/depression.
      It was really difficult to manage because none of my other friends were going through a similar thing, so I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I thought those weird feelings were abnormal – and that there was something wrong with me for being so clingy/ missing my boyfriend (now husband).

      I guess as difficult as it is to enjoy social outings, it’s important to keep a social life outside of your boyfriend (even, of course, if you don’t enjoy it as much as talking to your boyfriend). It’s hard, I guess, but it’s forever. Hopefully y’all will be able to move to the same town after graduation. Good luck!

  116. Hi Grace, Im somewhat new to this “long distance” dating, We met a great guy at a work function that my job was sponsoring we exchanged cards and we have been chatting ever since. We dated 1 month and 2 weeks steady we are both crazy about each other but he recently got a new position and relocated 2 hrs away. He has never done distance before and has reservations. This is month 3 and since he is away he mentions that he doesnt know if he can hang in there. It hurts to hear and ive been down to visit. He is also dealing with a pending divorce and just finding his fit in the new environment. I really do feel like it would be worth trying but I dont want to beat a dead horse to “make” him see. Also we sort of took a break and when we met up again we seem to rekindle things, any suggestions on what I should do from here. We still have pet names and all that comes with a “bf and gf” Am i fooling myself, since it seems like he is avoiding this discussion or just keep going along with how we feel and disregard the that we are lacking “exacts” ?

    • Sorry to hear you’re going through so many problems with your new LDR.
      I think if he is in the process of a divorce, he might be hesitant to jump into a new relationship – completely with commitments (like boyfriend/girlfriend). Added with the fact he might be trying to find himself in a new environment makes it difficult to stay the same with you.
      I think that you can just as easily be in love and/or dating and/or together without any of those “exacts.” I wish I had known that when I first met my husband – I pushed him a bit too fast to make it “Facebook official,” and he ended up getting hurt. Exacts don’t “make” a relationship.

      I guess just try to be there for him and make yourself a part of his new life – and hopefully everything else will fall into place?

      • Hi Grace, I appreciate your feedback. Here are some updates, I decided to let things be and end the dating in April. I only invested a small amount of time, so it wasnt too much of a loss. He ended up becoming more distant once things ended. So i feel like i dodged a bullet. He also was fond of a “female best friend” who he started dating once we ended but it seems to be out of convenience and not a solid foundation and they are very casual but more power to them. lol I have since moved on since April and recently have been talking to someone who lives about 1 hr away and is very open and agreeable in terms of dating and getting to know each other. He visits my town on holidays so that is nice also the communication is more fluid and happens often. I will keep you posted. I do agree with you that if the person has the right mindset and is open and willing to put in time and effort things can work in LDR. Appreciate your post/blog!

  117. Hey grace.. First of all congrats for surviving a emotional holocaust like LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP.. Cut to: Me.. I once thought myself to be the most reasonable, logical soul ever born in my clan.. But all of it changed the moment I realized that I was desperately in love with this Armenian girl I was chatting for years. It was she who first confessed her feelings for me. By that time, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted a melodramatic relation like this. It was not like that I didn’t know girls in my homeland, but there was a sobbing little romantic monster inside me who agreed to take this biggest risk of my life – the impact of too much ROM COMS I guess.

    It didn’t work our on several occasions and I ended up sending her away. There were emotional outbursts from both ends, some sexual frustrations that worsened the whole thing. And we were blocked from each other lives for months. She probably tried to move on and started dated a local guy. Meanwhile, I went after my career and thought this whole relationship to be yet another episode of a crucial life.

    I am writing this piece while sitting somewhere in her city Yerevan. Yes, something brought us back together. She changed her life upside down, left her boyfriend and welcomed me inside her world with open arms, despite of what happened before. I, on the other hand, spent my entire saving for this 11-day romantic tenure. This is my last day here. My menacing flight is tomorrow which might take me away from her for some more villainous months. I am still trying to be that logical guy who thinks this is all stupid. But i am still doing it, and i might do it again and again until I have her for lifetime.

    This is a strange feeling Grace.. May be there is no answer to it. I think both God and Love are away from the logic we live by. I am hell scared for myself. But the real thing is, I could be hell worse without her.. And if it doesn’t go well… You are surely welcome to read about my sorry life on my blog.. Follow now.. LOLZ..

    (Humor helps me..)

    Yashu Gola
    New Delhi, India

    • Wow, thanks for sharing.
      That was really brave of you – I think it’s so cool that you both risked a bunch for a chance to make it work (her leaving the local guy and you dumping all your savings into that trip).

      I really hope it works out well for both of y’all.
      Love and that feeling of helplessness is terrifying – but if it works out, it is totally worth it.

  118. Hi Grace!
    So my boyfriend and I have known each other for about 15 years but recently reconnected before he moved to Arizona. we dated for 2 months and then he left. We are currently still together and we had plans of even moving in together and me moving to Arizona after a year. We already knew that this would be a challenge, us living so far away, but we decided that we would still try. It has been almost two months since you left, but I rarely hear from him. We had discussed that when he left, he was going down there for work purposes and to get his life together. I knew this and I told him that I wanted him to focus on that and so because of that, I would not text him all the time. Because I also did not want him to feel like I was bugging him. But, I am already starting to have doubts because I don’t hear from him that often. Any advice for me?

    • It’s difficult to tell. While I can understand you not wanting to bother him while he figures his life out – I think it’s ok to text him/talk to him more often. I mean, if he’s figuring his life out and getting into a working habit, it makes sense for you to also be a part of that picture.

      I think doubts are normal, especially if you don’t get to communicate with each other that much. Perhaps just have a long talk about a new communication/texting schedule?

  119. Michellee // 2 May, 2014 at 12:33 pm //

    All of these comments really inspire me and reassure me. im really very young (15) and hoping that my love for my significant other isnt just an affinity, though im sure its not, its been a happy year for us :) But the age is a major restriction, we met online and have met once before ( wonderful time), but now we’re back to our own lives and i miss his presence, hes all i dream of. Any tips on how to make the waiting a bit more bearable? id really appreciate it :)

    • Young relationships are always the hardest (it seems) because people don’t necessarily take your relationship seriously AND you have to wait quite a while before you have the money, job security, work experience to be able to be together in the long run.
      My advice: don’t stress the little things. There will be problems and hardships, but as long as you remember WHY you fell in love in the first place (and remember how much you both want this LDR), then you will be fine :)

  120. Anonymous // 2 May, 2014 at 11:34 am //

    Dear Grace,

    Thank you firstly for your kind advice.

    I have spoken to the guy that I was seeing and at first he was supportive of my career decisions. A week later there was a shift of mood from him. He became distant and had cancelled some dates to see me.

    I confronted him if there was anything wrong and he said he does have an issue of me heading overseas to do my international development work. He also said that he is not ready for anything serious.

    To be honest I felt it was my fault things didn’t work out and should have explained to him properly on how the overseas contracts work. But seeing other posts made by fellow readers, it takes a lot of strength, love and genuine feelings for both men and women to make an LDR to work.

    I felt it was right for me to tell him now rather than hide it later to avoid hurting him.

    Thank you for taking your time writing to me. Please keep up the good work in your blog.

    Take care, Jean

    • Hi Jean,

      I’m so sorry to hear that it didn’t work out. But I’m glad you were able to have “the talk” with him.
      What I’ve learned the most from my own LDR (and from watching friends in both successful and unsuccessful LDRs) – both people have to be equally committed, open, and ready to face the distance.
      I’m sorry to hear your partner wasn’t fully supportive of a LDR… that’s really hard.

      Best of luck with your career! I’m sure you made the correct decision. Honesty is always good.


  121. Kristol // 1 May, 2014 at 11:23 pm //

    So I would like to share and get your feedback on my current situation….first of all your story made my heart smile :) …so very sweet!! And congratulations to you both!
    20 years ago in high school I had a crush on the cutest boy I thought existed knowing I NEVER had a chance with him. Over the years after a divorce we started talking but I knew he was always out of town working I never pursued it…that went on for about 5 or 6 years of him trying to go out. FINALLY after my last relationship he contacted me again and I said “what the heck”, I’m not wanting anything serious so I got on a plane to go see him. I have now been back to visit a few times. This started a few months ago…..the feelings are amazing…just like 20 years ago but a closer feeling (on my part & he says the feelings are mutual). But just in the past week or so he’s kinda gotten a little distant…which his schedule has changed too to where he is working nights and of course I work during the day. He still text and talks alot like he use to but it’s different in some ways. I’m getting hesitant about continuing afraid of hurt & of the unknown….Can you please give me some advise??

    • Thanks for sharing.

      I think jumping into any relationship – especially one with a complicated and long history – can be scary. The one thing to remember is that there are no guarantees with “love.”
      Maybe it will work out. Maybe it won’t. But you won’t know unless you try.

      Just keep an open mind and talk to him about it, I guess. He might be going through some internal conflicts right now (hence it feels like he’s pulling back) – maybe you can be that friend for him to talk to right now. I would say go for it, though, because if you don’t, you will regret it. Does that make sense?

  122. Melon pie // 22 April, 2014 at 12:56 pm //

    Hi Grace.

    I love your post. It speaks truly and recognizes the realities of long distance relationships. I am happy that your relationship has worked out and it gives people like me who are in ldr’s much much hope. I wish i could get to where you are right now, but i am still in an ldr.

    I have been in an ldr for almost 3 years now. I met my bf in the summer one year, but after the summer, he had to go back home across the ocean. We decided to stay in contact and it went on from there. We have visted each other, but the leaving part is always painful. It is tough but worth it since both of us are very committed to each other despite the distance. I don’t think I have ever wanted to replace my S.O with other activities or hobbies because we skype every day and it feels like we are part of each other’s lives. I think before I got to that point, I already accepted and surrendered to the pain and simply tried to spend as much time talking with him rather than replace the time with other things. Or perhaps I might opt for the replacement method in the future, but since you posted this, I will be extra careful (thank you ^_^). However, there is always that steady depression during the times we cannot talk…as you mentioned in your post. It is so hard to live with that hole… Which is why ldr’s are so tough that many don’t dare to try. I find that those with ldr’s don’t expect to be in one….it happens and they find ways to deal with it…. Or end it out of frustration.

    Aside from my little blurb on ldr’s… I did have a question. Did you have any isues with the people around you accepting or not accepting your ldr?… Or even the fact that you pursued your ldr as far as marriage? I think it is wonderul that you got to where you are now, but if I even bring up this prospect with my parents, they will be against it. Despite what I say, they still believe that my relationship is casual and will remain in denial about my seriousness with my ldr. Even when i speak with my friends about my serious ldr, they always end up saying something about how it might not last because being at the age that we are (almost finished college) those are the tendencies in their eyes.

    The people around me have little faith in ldr’s because it is not their norm. How do you suggest i tackle this problem? Or perhaps i shouldn’t care at all about what they think?

    Thank you so much for reading.

    • Hi,

      It’s actually pretty funny because I ended up graduating college a semester early (and tying the knot a week or two after classes finished), before moving to Japan with my new husband. There were a couple of people who were… a bit worried (since I was 21 – age is always fickle, and they thought I was “giving up too much” in this relationship). I didn’t have anyone outright oppose. I was also lucky enough to have several friends who have been and/or are currently in LDRs, so they understood where I was coming from.

      I think people were more accepting because I made it very clear to everyone involved that when I left to Japan (to return to the states to finish my degree), Ryosuke and I would either be engaged or broken up. I wasn’t interested in perusing a long distance relationship unless it had a finite, ending goal and both of us were equally committed. Thankfully, he was on the same page, and proposed around our one year anniversary. Looking back, it seems callous, but I needed that “end goal” to justify what I was doing.

      I found it difficult to talk about my LDR problems with someone who hasn’t experienced it. They tended to give bad advice (not intentionally). Oh well. To each their own.
      Thanks for commenting, and let me know if you have any additional questions!

      • melon pie // 23 April, 2014 at 4:53 am //

        ^__^ Thank you for answering!

        It is very fortunate that you had friends who also experienced LDR’s. Like you said, it is difficult to relate to others when they have not been in LDR’s as well…and hence, difficult to ask advice from them. In the end, I tend to discover how to solve relationship issues on my own and give advice to my friends in non LDR relationships. The best aspect about LDR’s is that it forces you to truly communicate with your partner since that is all you can really do. Much of the time, my friends have communication issues they don’t understand, but to me, it feels like common sense or so easily solvable since I am faced with the task of knowing how to properly communicate feelings, etc every time I skype with my boyfriend. I’m sure you probably knew this already, but it was worth mentioning since you knew how to tackle “missing your partner” in a realistic and positive way.

        My last questions I guess are: what was it like to finally live with your partner? And did you have any immigration issues? Did the “moving” and new “non LDR” lifestyle affect you and your partner in away? (good or bad).

        • I get that. I’ve found being in a LDR was helpful because I didn’t quite realize in our “regular” relationship that it was possible to spend every day with your significant other without having a “real” conversation. It was really easy for issues to get swept under the rug. But with the distance, literally the only thing we COULD do was talk, and so we were able to overcome a lot of little differences.

          In a short answer, yes, living together was a bit odd after doing the distance for so long. To make matters more “interesting” our relationship is completely different depending on the country we live in. I lived with him in Japan for 1.5 months before moving back to America… that was strange and interesting. We were balanced pretty well, but I still needed his help with things. I also got frustrated if we spent too much time with “his friends” because it was a bunch of Japanese men who didn’t speak English and had no interest in speaking to me/including me in the conversation (it’s a cultural/ sexist thing). We lived together in America for 3 months before, during, and after the wedding, and that was a bit frustrating since he had to rely on me for a lot of things (he couldn’t drive in the US, I had to make a lot of the plans). Now we’re living in Japan again, going through some of the same problems.
          I think most of the problems arise from cultural and language problems (I can’t read Japanese as well as he can read English). It was a bit odd being together for so long after doing distance, but it was nice. I haven’t found myself getting frustrated at him for no reason (yet) and it seems like being in a long distance relationship has taught me to appreciate him more.

          I wrote another post about the benefits of being in a LDR, you’ve probably read it, but if not, I think it’s pretty interesting:

  123. Anonymous // 21 April, 2014 at 11:54 pm //

    I’m here to ask for advice. I’m from Singapore and I get to know a girl from Korean recently via an chat application. As we chatted with one another, we really like each other and want to make this works. I’ll be flying to Korea to find her this coming June. But we won’t be able to meet each other till next coming June. May I know what advice do you have on this relationship?

    • It depends. I know a lot of couples who met through chatting online (or online games) and never had any problems. Perhaps just take it slow and see what happens? Korea is a long way away, it’s good to have a nice base of a relationship before flying over, to avoid any awkward situations or confrontations.

  124. Hi Grace,
    Good to read your experience, thank you for sharing!
    I have been together with my boyfriend since April, 2012, and we lived in the same city for months. In September, 2013 I moved to China for a year, and we have been in a long distance relationship since then. He visited me in January and we had a great time. I still love him a lot.
    Although, a couple of days ago he told me he is a bit worried. 3 months after I left he was depressed nearly every week for a day or two and was desperate to see me. It has been 3 months since he visited me in China, but he doesn’t feel desperate this time and he is worried that his feelings might be changing. He still thinks a lot about me and wants to be with me, hold my hand and go for a walk and do things together, but he is worried.
    I told him that maybe he learnt how to deal with my absence and that he knows I am going home in July for good. Plus it is spring in our country, which means that he can spend more time outside doing things he likes and not sit at home alone on the dark, cold winter nights – which i think makes a huge difference.
    Have you or your boyfriend ever had a similar experience? Do you think he is worried for a good reason? or maybe I am right and his circumstances are just different this time and this makes him less hung up on the distance between us?

    • Hi Lan,

      It’s hard to tell. It really is. On one hand, he has probably figured out how to adapt to living without you (and that can be very good) – because the human body is really good at adapting. Really, it is. And this is good, unless his method of adapting is to kind of replace you with someone else… and then that’s bad (obviously). I don’t think you necessarily have to worry, it sounds like he still loves you and y’all have been able to talk about this, but do keep in mind when he gets back, he will have changed a bit (and therefore your relationship will have changed too). I hope that helps and/or makes sense.

  125. Anonymous // 13 April, 2014 at 1:53 am //

    Dear Grace, thank you for sharing your experience with LDRs and advicing your readers of what lies ahead and how to cope with it.

    I am currently in a new relationship with a guy that I have met online about a month ago. Things are very well between us and we are comfortable with each other. 1 month is definitely not long compared to some of the above posts. I have been offered an assignment overseas for international aid/development. He knew very well from the beginning that being in the humanitarian aid sector is one of my career goals before settling down. If all goes well, I will be shipped to this assignment in 1.5 months time and it will go on for 11 months. I do intend to come back home (Australia) after the assignment plus for Christmas as well.

    I am scared to tell him this opportunity as 1) I don’t know how he will react and 2) our relationship is still new and I fear he might not be up for a LDR. He is a genuine guy and I am willing to do LDR with him. I’m not sure though if I am hanging into false hope/daydream versus the reality of being in a new and soon to become LDR… that is if he is willing to do this as well.

    My question is….How will I approach him and tell him of this opportunity without leaving it too late? It is unfair in his part if I leave it to the last minute. And how can I re-assure him that I do want to make it work without giving him an ultimatum at the same time. I am confused as to whether I should look for another opportunity locally whilst building a firmer foundation with him. And then, try again to look for opportunities overseas.

    I don’t want to lose him to be honest. I’ve dated a few guys after a failed long term relationship, and so far he’s been the best out of everyone I’ve met.

    Thanks in advance Grace and I’m happy for both of you and your husband.

    • Hi,

      Thanks for your message. That seems to be difficult.
      One of the reasons I was hesitant to date my husband in the first place was that he was moving back to Japan in six month’s time (after we started dating). It was hard…

      I think you should bring up your future career plans (and the possibility of going over-seas) as soon as possible. It is best to not have any up-front expectations. He might want to continue on doing the distance; he might not. However, regardless of what y’all decide, “real life” never follows plans. I know several LDR couples that decided to do the distance, only to fight and break up later. I also know other couples that decided NOT to do the distance, but found themselves talking to each other every day and ending up once again becoming a LDR couple while their partner was gone.

      It’s complicated.
      But it sounds like you’re very serious with this relationship, so hopefully it will work out. I hope you found my advice helpful!

      • Anonymous // 22 April, 2014 at 12:15 pm //

        Dear Grace,

        Thank you for the thoughtful insight and being honest at the same time. I have spoken to him about my immediate future career plans and he is happy and supportive of me chasing my goals. He is happy that my dream is just around the corner and it will help me broaden my perspective on which sector of international development I would like to pursue.

        Amongst the happiness, we have not talked about what we are going to do once the “all-go” arrives. He is aware that I am waiting on an another opportunity and that he suggested that once I have received these choices, then “we go from there”.

        I might sound paranoid but, I’m not sure what he meant by that. “We go from there” as in end the “so-called relationship” or try. A few of my friends have encouraged me to keep pursuing my career and to end the relationship so I could concentrate on learning from these new opportunities. They also said along the lines of keeping in contact with each other and once the assignment is finished to see if the feelings are still there.

        I would like to stay positive and believe it could turn out just fine, but at the same time I am worried that I could be expecting too much. I am still cautious of the relationship as it is still new, however I am the type of person that gets attached easily. (Definitely something I am still working on).

        • I’m so glad y’all were able to talk about future plans – and that is wonderful that he is so supportive. He sounds like a great guy. That always helps in a ldr.

          I think he means “we go from there” as a sort of “no sense making a decision now if we don’t know all the facts.” Your relationships can take any number of turns after you hear back from all your choices, so perhaps he is just being economical and figuring you can do the heavy talking when all the decisions have been made.
          One on hand, while I would LOVE to say peruse your career over the guy… I’ve seen both sides of that equation. We have a good family friend who broke up with the guy she was in love with to do her career, kind of assuming when she was 28 – 30 she would settle down and get married. But 30 came and went, she quit her job, and she’s going on 40, still single (the guy moved on and got married). Then again, I also have friends who have turned down the ideal school/job for a guy, only to break up months later.

          Really, it’s up to you.
          I don’t think it’s a problem to fall too fast. I’m the same way – at four months, Ryosuke and I decided to get married (we waiting until we were together for at least two years before formally tying the knot, though).

  126. Awesome read!

  127. You made this seem so negative?
    I’ve been in a LDR for the past 4 years.
    It has it’s UPS and downs.
    But this will just scare people.

    • I disagree. You have to be realistic when you think about being in a LDR. This post is not scary, it’s honest and supportive.

      • Thank you very much.
        I tried to write this as honestly and realistically as I could. I’m surprised by how many people have been able to relate with what I’ve written – for a while it felt like I was the only one who was going through this.
        I think it is important to be able to voice fears and concerns about distance in a LDR.
        Anyways, thank you for your support.

    • I mean if you’ve been in a LDR for 4 years and haven’t experienced most of what I wrote in this article, kudos to you and your significant other. That’s awesome.
      I would go out on a limb and say the “rest of us” don’t have it as easy. I had a very, very difficult time adjusting living away from my boyfriend, turned fiance, turned husband. Even now, he’s halfway across the country on a three week job training event and all I can think of is “Oh man, not again…”

  128. Anonymous // 1 April, 2014 at 9:23 am //

    Thanks for this post. I have been In a LDR for 4 years, and only saw him the first time I met with him. It’s been hard for both of us, but we seem to love each other more day by day. I will finally see him this year after my college graduation in May.

  129. Nivedita // 27 March, 2014 at 9:01 pm //

    What a beautiful write up. I came here through the HuffPost blog you’d written about the benefits of being in a long distance relationship. I’m in India and my boyfriend is in the US now for work. It’s been 5 months since he’s gone and we have no idea when he will be able to come back. We have been dating for the past two years now and were close friends before that. I can so relate to all the four stages you have mentioned here. It is very tough especially with the time difference and both our work playing a huge part in deciding how and when we can communicate. But he’s not exactly very vocal about his feelings (although he is 100% committed) and I feel unloved most of the times. I’ve tried telling him the same so many times but we end up fighting with him saying he’s not like me when it comes to being affectionate and vocal about his feelings for me. I know this is not such a big deal but I’m a girl who likes being told once in a while that I’m pretty or that he loves me.
    Anyway, like most of the comments said, everyone has a different story and I hope mine works out too and we get a happy ending as well. Thanks for writing such touching blog posts. Gave me a lot of strength. :)

    • Thank you so much for your comment. I guess if you’ve read the other comments – my advice is kind of the same. Your relationship during its long distance phase is much different than when you lived together/in the same city.
      You won’t be able to “communicate” the same – and I really advise you sit down and have a clear conversation (no arguing or yelling, just a re-evaluation of priorities and expectations) about what the future of your relationship should look like and what responsibilities both parties have.Of course your boyfriend cares – but now both of you have to deal with a new aspect of your relationship you’ve never tried before.

      In any case, I wish you the best of luck!

      • Nivedita // 28 March, 2014 at 1:17 am //

        Thank you so much for replying Grace. And please keep up the good work you’re doing here. It helps to read such helpful stuff and to know there are so many others who are also going through the same thing. You have found a faithful follower in me now! :)
        Take care.

  130. Great post. I’ve been in a LDR for almost 3 months, and he’s finally coming back in about 3 weeks. I think this is actually the most difficult part of the LDR, knowing that his return is drawing closer, but it seems to be taking so long.

    Still, this post has been very helpful.

    • I used to keep a notepad next to my bed so every time I woke up I could check and see “only fifty more days left”

      It made it seem shorter but unbearably longer at the same time…

  131. My relationship didn’t start in person, it started online. My boyfriend came down this past week and just left today. My heart hurts so much and I constantly have these thoughts of: “Will I forget him when I wake up?” “Will I still love him?” “What’s going to happen?” I know these are just crazy, stressful thoughts but I was wondering if you or anyone had been through something similar. This isn’t my first LDR, but it’s still so rough on me either way. I definitely miss him and love him right now through all of this crazyness in my brain and my heart. I just hate having these terrible thoughts.

    • I know where you’re coming from. It’s really hard. Those feelings never really go away. I especially struggled with the “what’s going to happen now?” and “What if I stop loving him in six months.”

      Thankfully it never happened – we’re happily married now (no more long distance – FINALLY!).
      Hang in there. It’s rough, but it’s possible. And good luck!

      • Your reply has definitely made me feel a lot better. It is much different when someone has actually been through it. I’m glad to know that my thoughts are not unnatural. He went back to his dorm today and I probably won’t be able to see him again for 4+ months but I’m sure I can get through this. I go back to classes tomorrow; seeing my friends again will probably help me a lot. Thank you again.

        • I’m glad I could help. I would say especially if you’re still worried and having problems, check out the Long distance subreddit ( )
          It helped me get through some rough times. It’s a bunch of people going through the same thing that share their stories, answer questions, and give bits of encouragement.
          In any case, best of luck these next four months!

  132. Nice post, my relationship with my fiance was even long distance at the first place. I was introduced by his sister who’s my friend in post graduate program. Before the engagement he used to visit me like once a month. We’re getting married this year, but we can only meet once in three months. He gets limited leave in his company, and we plan to spend more time after we got married, so we have to bear it.
    I don’t know but my cycle is kind of different. I can happily see him off after we spend our time together. At this point I haven’t miss him. The first two weeks is totally okay for me, but after more than 8 weeks it’s getting painful. I know my frustration is nothing compared to you, even compared to my friends who can only meet like twice a year.
    The point is my depression gets worse as the time goes by. I don’t know when can I hit the acceptance phase. Now I miss him more than ever. So much that it might interfere my daily routine. We talk in the phone everyday, but it’s different. There are many things and problem happens lately. I got depressed easily, but I only share 50% of my anxiety since I don’t want to make him worry too much. I want him to be physically here.
    What can I do to ease this pain? Seriously, I don’t know what to do anymore.

    • It’s hard, I guess. I do really understand where you’re coming from. I kept up with this same cycle from this post (we once went 6 months between visits, but then he came to America, we got married, and live together).
      After the wedding, he went back to Japan about 2.5 weeks before me to set stuff up. I thought it would be fine (we had been living together for about 3 months at that point + honeymoon). It was awful. I can’t even describe it – and that’s so weird. We had been doing LDR for nearly two years, had spent more time together (3 months) than we had before, and I was still more lonely than ever when he left.
      At that point, while we were Skyping, I was just kind of like “not again. I can’t do this again. I can’t do this whole LDR thing anymore.” It really freaked me out.

      Thankfully I moved to Japan about a week after that revelation, so it really wasn’t a problem, but I’m scared to think what would have happened if I hit that point before the wedding, while we still lived in separate countries.
      Anyways, what I’m trying to say is I think your reaction is normal. It’s not weird. And seeing your fiance every three months is pretty damn awful, when it comes to LDR. Never feel like you have to compare your relationship to others’ relationship.
      I guess, is there any way you can see each other more? If the 8 weeks point is the danger point, is there any way you can visit him (or vice versa) ever 8 weeks?

      Sorry I don’t have more helpful advice…

      • Thanks Grace for your kind reply. It’s really nice to hear from someone who actually have experienced it..^^
        I just noticed that my depression was come from work and family problem, not solely from how I miss him. Also about the wedding preparation that freaks me out. I used to feel okay in the past because I didn’t face these kind of problem I’m currently facing.
        I started my new job in the university in early February this year. I have to adjust myself in the new environment and I have to face the pressure in my new workplace. At the same time I have to take part in the wedding preparation. Friends said that wedding preparation supposed to be fun. But it’s no fun at all when I have to do that without my significant other. It’s also frustrating when I have to deal with some of my annoying relatives, related to the wedding.
        I noticed that the problem wasn’t really about him, I just wish that he was physically available for me to get through these tough times.

        • Trust me, I completely get that. I had a lousy, stressful time planning our wedding. He only flew to America about a month before the wedding; everything else I had to duke it out with family members. It was pretty stressful.
          But, you know, the wedding is the end goal – and all you have to do is make it until then. My wedding went off without a hitch and was absolutely lovely. I’m sure yours will be too.

          And really, the wedding (and wedding planning) is nothing like you expect it to be. I had a stomach ache for WEEKS after because of the stress. Now I’m happily living with the husband and it all seems worth it.
          Good luck in the upcoming months!

  133. A fight to success // 4 March, 2014 at 5:13 pm //

    Grace, and everyone else
    I met my boyfriend when I was 16. He was a foreign exchange student at my high school and both sophomores. I am now 17, but I will be 18 in 3weeks. My guy and I will be officially 2 years next month.. I came to this post for hope, because they always do, especially when I read everyone’s comments, good or bad they help in some way. He lives in Germany and I in America. We have only been seeing one another once a year so far, as the plane ticket are extremely expensive. We have hope to bump it up to twice a year before we end the long distance by attending college together and simply visiting our families together. Anyway.. This summer I plan to visit him for about two months then I will come back for college. How ever, my mom wants me to leave in July but I would like to go in hun till August. I feel that I must have these two months. My family is also making it hard by saying I should only stay for a month. It kills me to hear people say just go a month later as if any of them know what it is like to be away from someone for so long. . Lately I have been thinking about moving to his country but I guess I have to see for myself first.
    What should I do about summer? Should I go in June, and kinda have a war with the family, instead if July ? My boyfriend was furious to hear that I would possibly come even later.. And I would be 18.. It’s just my mom and as she would say (money) but he and I will be paying for it..

    Also he is a grade under me since he came for one year in my country.

    To anyone in a international or just normal long distant acne relationship, if you truly love that person, then don’t give up!! And age doesn’t matter as you can see.. Just have hope and work through those tough spots. Opinions appreciated


    • Hi Kyra,

      Sorry to be responding so late – I’ve been travelling (again!). I think you should go for the summer. I mean, you’ve earned it. You need those two months. I understand where your mom is coming from, it’s really hard to cut the strings on your children – especially when they are going to a foreign country, but y’all have been together for two years. And you obvious know him pretty well, can financially afford it, and could use this experience to further your relationship.
      All LDRs involve risks (emotional, physical, giving up possibilities, etc). Sometimes they pay off. Sometimes they don’t. You kind of just have to jump and see what happens.

      If the two months go well, then, perhaps consider looking at Universities in his country. Or he can try to study abroad near you.
      I feel like if you don’t go for the full time, you will regret it…

  134. I am just starting to hit the first stage. Urgh.. I feels so horrible. I don’t want to leave his side.
    Any idea how I can enjoy the remainder of this trip (about two weeks left) and not have this hanging over mg head?
    I think what gets me is that we don’t have a definite date for him to come visit mw anytime soon since he can’t afford it right now. I live in California and he lives in Texas.
    We’ve been together for two years. And every time we separate it just gets harder. :(

    • I really don’t have much advice for the first stage. All I remember is it being AWFUL. While it’s really difficult to have “fun” without your S.O. there with you, I always found looking toward the future cheered me up. Or I used to record videos on my camera (me talking while walking around to interesting places) – my husband really liked those.

  135. Grace: I had asked you for advice before about the Japanese guy I met who said he liked me but didn’t want to date until he was no longer studying abroad and got closure with the ex who cheated on him before he arrived here.. That was 3 months ago. Since then, he has still been making plans with me for Japan like taking me to Nobano- no-sato and to Disneyland in Tokyo, among other plans, when I study abroad there next year. He came to my house for Christmas and has even hugged me, held my hand, cooked for me, and stayed all night with me in my apartment. However, nothing has been mentioned again since November on how we feel about each other. I haven’t really talked to him about it, but I asked him a question to which his response was that he’s really scared of getting hurt again that he has changed since his girlfriend cheated on him — that he no longer expects anything from the future. ….It seems he’s always taking a step forward and then two steps back with me, and I’m assuming him being scared of being “broken” again as he put it is why. Do you have any advice for me? I’m falling in love with this guy and have no clue what to do or say to him. It’s getting really difficult.

    • That sounds really tough. I wish I knew what to say…
      I wouldn’t worry about the “label” thing of boyfriend/girlfriend or the “feeling” talk – I went though similar things before my husband got together. We were kissing, hugging, making plans for when I studied abroad in Japan, and eating dinner together every night for nearly a month before we ever had the “talk” about becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. He kept skirting around the issue until I told him “I don’t hold hands in public with people who aren’t my boyfriend” while we were on a date. The next day he asked me out.
      I thought the whole timing of it is… weird.
      I mean from what you wrote, he is totally in to you. But for “closure” he is holding himself back?
      what kind of ‘closure’ does he want? To be able to yell at his ex? Or just talk through the ending of their relationship?

      The only advice I can give is to be “you” and pretend nothing about this is bothering you. I mean, he obviously fell in love with who you are – so if you keep playing it cool, it will be easier for him to fall more in love.

      • I’m not sure what kind of closure he needs or why he has to talk to her in person. I don’t understand that part. He mentioned needing to get money back from her. He just goes back and forth between doing or saying something that makes it seem like he’s into me and then will completely back off. Since he says he’s so afraid of getting hurt again even if he makes a deep and meaningful relationship, I’m not sure what to do or what that means for us ever being anything. I don’t know how to help him and explain that not every relationship ends badly like his last.

        • That’s… tough. I wish I knew what to say. The money bit sounds slightly complicated, though.

          I would just give unconditional love, regardless of what he does. I later learned that my husbands previous girlfriend (the one he broke up with after he met me) had cheated on him a lot and used to say really nasty things to him when they fought. It took months, if not years, for him to be able to trust me not to cheat on him while we were doing long distance. Emotional scars last for a long time… but I think constant and unconditional love can “fix” most scars from past, damaging relationships.

          • Anonymous // 5 February, 2014 at 6:45 pm //

            Thank you so much Grace! I really appreciate your advice, and I love your blog so much! You and Ryosuke make a wonderful couple, and congratulations on getting married!

          • Thank you :)
            And I really do hope it works out with you and your guy! Keep me posted~

  136. Isabel Travis // 20 January, 2014 at 7:49 pm //

    What brought me here is my boyfriend who lives in the Netherlands just had his flight back today after being in America with me visiting 3 months making every moment count. We are both 19 and have been together for 9 months.we are deeply in love and plan on doing whatever it takes to get married and live in either one of our countries together happy and never have to say goodbye again someday. When I first met him it was ONLINE. So crazy.. How the internet can work. We eventually talked online and became friends. We talked all day every day every second and after a month I grew to like him, and just had to meet him. I came up with this crazy idea for him to visit me in America for just 10 days. We didn’t want to and were afraid to fall in love cause we both knew it would make things complicated. But the day came , and I waited nervously at the airport to meet this person I have only met online. Our parents had skyped before OFCOURSE so I knew he wasn’t a creep (like most catfish episodes) but the moment we saw eachother and talked, nothing was awkward and it was just as perfect as I imagined. God brought is together for a reason and he saved my life in many ways. But after 3 days I knew I loved him and it came out from both of us. At first I thought it was just young love that wouldn’t last but look where we are now. After the ten days we had to see eachother again. So his parents invited me to stay in the Netherlands for two months over the summer I became close to his family and it is basically my second home now. But leaving was the hard part. I had never felt such sadness and love for people in my entire life. We grew more in love everyday. It was the hardest goodbye of my life. We waited another 3 months then he came back to America and stayed longer from October to now. I just feel so sad and sick of saying goodbye which is the whole point of me saying my whole story. I just want all of your long distance relationships out there to stay strong. If you’re as deep in love as I am than anything can happen! 9 months with a guy dr a whole different continent and still going strong. The key is to have as much fun to ether as possible when you are together, cherish every moment, and just be madly in love. Soon it will be a year together, and in 3 months I’ll be back in Europe w

    • Isabel Travis // 20 January, 2014 at 7:55 pm //

      *with him.after this summer, there would be only 2 more goodbyes for a long time. 1- after summer and 2- after I visit him during Christmas break. That is because I’m planning on going to school in Amsterdam next fall. We would be together for four years staying at his house and studying together. We have plans and planning is the key to all of this . Believe me .. Anything can happen. But once you get past the sadness, you just have to think to move on with your life normally while you’re apart until you are together again. Anything can work even if you are on the other side of the earth from
      Your loved one

      • Isabel Travis // 20 January, 2014 at 8:03 pm //

        Also even though I try not to be sad too much the first week him being away I still am and It feels impossible to stop that feeling how or what do you think could help that?

    • That’s so wonderful :)

      I hear more “sad” or “Failure” LDR stories that sucess ones – stories like yours always make me smile! Thanks for sharing!

    • My boyfriend is from Netherlands too, we also met online, unfortunately my story isn’t the same as yours. It’s been a year and a month since we started being a couple but we haven’t met yet. We both can’t afford the plane ticket yet cause we’re ten thousand miles away and we’re still saving. We both feel that our love and relationship is for keeps but our situation is just so hard. We both have met each other’s family online, have made plans for the future, but it’s difficult beinh away and not having an exact date when to meet, when to finally make our dreams come true. :(

      • Ouch, that sounds rough… I know quite a few LDR couples who haven’t been able to see each other yet – or only can afford to see each other once every 2-3 years. That’s pretty rough, I wish all y’all the best.
        And you aren’t alone, really, I know several couples who are in LDRs with people they haven’t been able to meet face-to-face (yet). Good luck!

  137. Hi

    I dont know where to start from but I will jump into the point. Me and my GF bee doing LDR for 5 years and she brokeup with me out of the blue saying she doesn’t feel the love any more and we both should move on. for like 4.3 years we were addicted to skype. 8 months prior to breakup I noticed that she would hate coming on skype and make excuses and would be totatlly exhausted to give me any time. She would chat less and her chat quality sucked. It went on and on for 8months until she brokeup.

    So I am assuming she probably chose the Replacement method and replaced me with her family and TV and her friends. You mentioned that you did that as well, but I want to know how did you realize this and stopped replacing your bf ??? How did you over come it.

    I am on NC with my gf and its been just a week. I really want my GF to read this so she realize what she is going through and maybe We can get back together. I really do miss her and love her (so did she in past ALOT). Please give me some advise as well if you can.

    • Hi San,

      Thanks for the message. It’s hard to tell… but that sounds like the Replacement method. I realized I was doing it when every day Skyping became a chore – I would rather watch tv or play online. Once I pretended to be offline until my episode finished – and realized I had a problem. So we talked it out and decided on shorter Skype sessions.
      It was hard, but at this point we were already engaged and I didn’t want to “replace” him. I just wanted Skyping to be less of a hassle – and wanted to see him. So I guess my situation was a bit different than yours.

      I would try to see her in person and figure out what exactly about Skype she doesn’t like. Or perhaps she is just tired of LDR – and y’all need to find a way to live in the same city?

      • we both are tired of LDR. We dont have a sure plan when we are going to meet and that is what frustrating us and I think the reason why she ended. But when i told her I would come for her, she simply refuses and tells me to move on . I am doubting if she is dating some one else. could that be reason ? She loved me to death though :(

        • I doubt she is dating someone else (although I don’t know her) – typically in LDR when someone finds someone “new,” they tell the other person.
          I really don’t have much advice for you – although I was in an LDR for nearly two years, we had a serious end goal in mind (I would move to Japan), so it was easy to ignore the heart-ache for a while.

          I would recommend looking at the Long Distance Subreddit – there are lots of people on there who have been in LDR relationships for years – without a serious end goal (who is moving where/when?). They might have some more tailored advice?

          • Thank you very much Grace ! I have one tiny problem.. I am on NC with my gf and I want her to come across this blog and read the Replacing part. I dont want to email her directly because i am on No contact thing. Can you do me a favour and email her this exact page as If you were advertising about your blog ? I want her to read this and maybe she change her mind ? I am desperate to get her back. If its ok I will give you her email address on here and then delete it once you get it

          • I would love to help, but I’m very wary of my blog/email being labeled as spam… It’s happened to a lot of the other bloggers I follow. Do you have a mutual friend who could pass it along to her? Preferably a friend who doesn’t know y’all broke up, so they can send a message like “Hey, I read this article about Long Distance and it make me think of you! How much of this do you think is true?” or something like that?

  138. Love this article. I’ve been doing so much reading. So happy to have found this. Ty!!!
    Been in a ldr for 5 months. It’s so hard. I’ve never been in love an now that I am it’s a ldr. Sometimes I feel like my gf finds ways to keep me off her mind. I want this to work. I love her but I have so much doubt. :/

  139. Anonymous // 8 January, 2014 at 11:16 pm //

    Love this post! my boyfriend just moved away for work and I’m finding it really hard to be without him. This helped hearing the positive aspect you have on long distance dating posting our next date on the fridge was a great idea I think this will really help.

    • Good luck with the distance! The first couple weeks/months are the worst – but I promise it does eventually get better!

  140. Anonymous // 1 January, 2014 at 7:35 pm //

    I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my partner for 15 months. He lives in Canada and I live in Australia. We actually met online and he came here for five weeks between June-August. I’m planning a trip there for around May-June next year, staying for six months. I have been through all of the stages you listed, except for the replacement part or the surrender part. I agree with a lot of what you said on here, it’s insightful. I would just like to add that I think in order to keep a long distance relationship there has to be a lot of honesty and time spent together. Although you can’t physically be with them, it’s best to spend as much time together as possible. You should try and formulate clear plans to see one another and know realistically how often you can see them, and whether you can cope with that. I can only see him once a year, at most. But I am fine with waiting, he is as well, because we both know that we are going to stay together for a long time and we are very committed. I think to be in this kind of relationship, it’s about having a lot of trust, being realistic about your situation, honesty with your partner and learning to communicate well so you are both on the same page. I have to say that also, a perk of being in a long distance relationship is that the longer you have to wait for that person, the more enthusiasm you have in seeing them, and it can be fantastic to plan your time together and all the things you will do together when you’re with them :)

  141. Thank you so much for sharing this. My girlfriend lives 8000 miles away and I’ve been living with this hole in my heart for some time now you put it all into perspective for me. Thank you

  142. The beginning of your relationship sounds similar to mine. My boyfriend was also studying abroad (here in the U.S.) from Japan, and we lived in the same dorm (right next door to each other). We also dated for six months until he had to return to Japan, and then we spent just over a year apart, but still “together.” I visited him in Tokyo for a month this summer, and that was really nice. We’ve been dating for a year and 10 months, and there have been rough times of course, but over all, our love for and commitment to each other (and dedication to communication–even when what he have to communicate about is hard/uncomfortable!) has kept us strong. Reading your blog gives me comfort and motivation to know that there are others out there going through the same things that Mitsu and I are going through, and that they (you) are happy and successful in their relationships. Wishing you all the best. :)

    • Thanks for sharing! Your story sounds pretty much identical to mine (except I was lucky enough to kind of follow him to Japan a couple months after he left). I wish you and Mitsu the best!

      Planning the future for an LDR is always a bit scary… so it’s always nice to hear from others :)

  143. This is tooo adorable!!! I hope you two live forever happily together! You two are sooo cute!!!! I can tell you really love him and it seems like he really loves you too. Nothing is better than true love.

  144. My bf and i have been going on LDR for more than 5 years now. It’s really crazy, bloody tough. I live in Singapore and he is a texan living in CT for now. I don’t want to count the days and months that we have been doing this. All my friends think it’s a big feat. I am happy to know that there are people out there who go through the same things that i go through and can understand how i feel. He is stuck in usa, studying his phD, hopefully to finish by next year march? (cross fingers) I try to go over to usa as much as possible. This time, we went to japan together. Japan is an amazing place.

  145. man

    me and my girlfriend have been struggling super hard. def been off to a real rough start.

    we dated for 7 months before going long distance, were involved for about a year, and have been acquainted and friendly for 3-4. either way time is irrelevant to me, i want to spend my life with her.

    had to move away, shes in school, im living with my parents now working on moving somewhere in a year or so, and not closer to her, much further away.

    weve been long distance for about 2 months. theres quite a bit of fighting, even a short but serious break up. majority of the time spurred on by jealously and my insecurity, though ive been working on that as best i can. other times its just trying to adjust to new rules concepts and dynamics that will have to exist to make the relationship work.

    overall it really sucks. its hard as shit, depressing, and just grueling. but when i see her its like a life changing experience. but yeah thats like 1-2 days out of 30 every month. the hardest thing is the fighting. before everything was smooth almost always, but my insecurities from past relationships etc were really drawn out.

    really strugglin tho. when we fight it gets super shitty, shes never been one to open right up, needs a lot of finesse to get the words out, and its just really fucking sucking. fuck

    • The fighting is the hardest part in a long distance relationship. Even if you are lucky enough to see each other once or twice a month, it is still hard. Communicating always seems to be the biggest issue.

      Good luck helping her open up!

  146. Anonymous // 8 October, 2013 at 10:51 am //

    thank you for the blog post. it’s so true! we (japanese and chinese) just got separate for one month, and the first and second stage is what i’ve experienced for the past few weeks. He will study university in US next year. Although we had discussed about getting married and living together in the future, i sometimes wonder about the uncertainty of future. it’s really hard and challenging.

    • It is really hard and challenging. And while getting engaged certainly helped my long distance relationship be stronger – it is also scary. The uncertainty is something all LDR couples have to deal with…

  147. Is that last picture at Niseko?

  148. Nice post, thanks for this.

    Me and my girlfriend are in an LDR for 5 months. We’re 15 hours apart in different timezones and we have no definite ending date. Yet we hold on as we both want a future for each other.

    Thanks for your very inspiring blog posts.

  149. very heart wrenching. I’ve been long distance with my boyfriend for 3 years and its been so hard. I’ve thought of giving up countless times. God its hard. I love him so freakin much it kills me to even think of giving up. We are going to leave both of the places we live in a come together in the middle(texas) he recently just moved there and now he’s waiting on me. Its so frustrating because I haven’t been able to save a dime with the crappy job i have. Someday soon I will be there with him finally. We plan on getting engaged

    • I hope it works out for you! I think it is incredible you have been able to keep up a successful long distance relationship for 3 years! I wish you the best :)

  150. Siobhan // 27 July, 2013 at 9:39 am //

    Thank you for writing this. My boyfriend and I are only 4.5 hours away, but I’ve been in the exact same boat as your description here. Everyone has their own story but we all will agree that it sucks badly till it ends: be it through separation or togetherness.

    • gracebuchele // 27 July, 2013 at 10:11 am //

      Such true words. I think everyone’s long distance is different – but it is hard. It is so hard.

      • Anonymous // 6 March, 2015 at 9:43 am //

        HAI grace my name is jhen i meet my boyfriend through fb and he lives in india and i am living in philippines its beeb 5 months that we were together i miss him so much he is too much busy… but i underatand him cous he is studying and its been a month that we didnt talk… its really hard for me sis because if he wanted to see me theres nothing i can do just to send him pictures.. i love this boy ao much grace he is my life . But sometimes i used to be busy just not to missed him every minute he is poppng in my mind.

        • joanne. Marie. Habayeb // 26 September, 2015 at 6:53 am //

          That’s. Id true yet if a heart love another. Heart that person of that hard to not try that person heart in any bad way that person should not take a person heart for granted because they don’t know that person heart no matter how much they love you a person should get to know that person because they don’t know what type of heart that person have to order to hurt themselves commit suicide or do something wrong or hurting from the little emotional things that that person do today for love combine between a heart of a person and if you don’t know that person heart how could you award that person’s pain how could you a ward that person love back in give themes for wrong to love how could you do something to hurt a person heart when you have to learn that person heart you can love somebody if u talking long distance. Only if u matt in person. you have to learn that person heart if you love somebody you do not take the heart and misleading in miss guided and discombobulated because you don’t know that person heart because you say you love that person .try to hurt that. Person. In learn that. Person. Heart. Before. U award that. Person. Hurt for love ..god knows. Every. Heart in love everyone. If u disobey. God in u know. God still love but yet if u. decided with Satan and keep doing wrong do you think God will loved you then do you think not sure god want you a good heart so do not hurt people hurt if you do not really know the heart the knocks it hurt people heart if you do not really know that person and what that person learn that person heart before you choose to hurt anybody not buy website. Or Facebook. Or Google. Learn. In person. Because. People. Can tekl u anything. Online. In when u learn. Them. In person. Its not the heart. You felt for. .so did not take people heart for granted because you don’t want to God godforsaken. your heart and for take it or leave you or walk away from you do not play with people emotional because you do not want God to play with you when your ex fight for love did not unless you know that person personally and you know what type of heart in that person have but if you do not know what type of hurt that person has did not do anything wrong to hurt somebody heart for no reason or for without a cause god knows. That much amen. Joanne. Marie. Habayeb.

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